COMPUTERS DO IT... by Richard Karsmakers
First, I must get off my heart that I feel deeply ashamed of
myself. I downloaded this article from a bulletin board and I
completely forgot which one! It must have been either BBS
Waterland or BBS Haarlem, both in Holland, but I am not quite
sure which. Anyway, I didn't write it myself (except for some
additions I made to the original concept) and just found it funny
to read through and thought that you might find it funny as well.
Hence the inclusion of it in this issue of ST NEWS.
AM Disc Jockeys do it with Modulated Amplitude.
AT&T does it in Long Lines.
Accountants do it for profit.
Actors do it in the limelight.
Actors do it on camera.
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick.
Alexander Portnoy does it alone.
Algebraists do it in groups.
Algebraists do it with homomorphisms.
Algol programmers block it out.
Algorithmic analysts do it with a combinatorial explosion.
Alpinists do it on the rocks
Alvin Toffler will do it in the future.
Anarchists do it revoltingly.
Anesthetists do it painlessly.
Apl programmers do it in a line.
Arlo Guthrie does it on his Motorcycle.
Armadilloes do it avec l'amour (Fr., "despite their armour").
Artists do it in the buff.
Astronomers do it all night long.
Astronomers do it in the dark.
Australians do it down under.
Auto mechanics do it under hoods, using oil and grease.
Babies do it in their pants.
Bach did it with the organ.
Bakers do it for the dough.
Ballet dancers do it on tip-toe.
Banana pickers do it in bunches.
Bankers do it for money, but there is a penalty for early
Bankers do it with interest.
Barbers do it with Bryll Cream.
Barbers do it with scissors.
Baseball Players do it with their bats.
Batman does it with Robin.
Beethoven did it apassionately.
Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra.
Bell Labs programmers do it with UNIX.
Bicycle racers do it with at 90-110 rpm.
Bicyclists do it with a cadence.
Bicyclists do it with chains.
Birds do it, bees do it, even chimpanzees do it ...
Blitzkrieg players do it in five minutes.
Bookkeepers do it for the record.
Bowlers do it in the alley.
Bowlers do it with balls.
Bridge players do it with a partner.
Bridge players do it with finesse.
Bus drivers do it in transit.
Bus masters do it with slaves.
Businessmen do it in the black.
Businessmen do it in the red.
Butchers do it in the raw.
C programmers do it their way.
Carpenters do it indoors.
Carpenters do it tongue-in-groove.
Catholics do it A LOT!
Chem E.'s do it in packed beds.
Chess players do it in their minds.
Chess players do it with royalty.
Choir boys do it unaccompanied.
Clu programmers do it in clusters.
Cluster analysts do it in groups.
Cockroaches have done it for millions of years, without
Collectors do it in sets.
Combinatorialists do it a countable number of times, sadly.
Combinatorialists do it discreetly.
Comedians do it for laughs.
Computer programmers do it logically.
Computer scientists do it all night long.
Computer scientists do it bit by bit.
Computer scientists do it discretely.
Computers do it in ASCII, except IBM's which use EBCDIC.
Conductors do it rhythmically.
Confectioners do it sweetly.
Construction workers do it higher.
Cows do it in leather.
Cryptographers do it secretly.
Crystallographers do it with groups.
Cuckoos do it by proxy.
DJs do it on the air.
Dancers do it to music.
Dark horses do it come-from-behind.
Declarative programmers do it productively.
Delivery men do it at the rear entrance.
Dentists do it orally.
Dentists do it painlessly (HA!)
Dentists do it with drills.
Diamond cutters do it harder.
Divers do it deeper.
Divers do it underwater.
Doctors do it with patience.
Don't do it with a banker. Most of them are tellers.
Donuts do it with cream or jelly.
Drummers do it to the beat.
Drummers do it with rhythm.
Dummy's partner does it with dummy's hand.
E. E. Cumming does it with ease.
EIS customers do it with a mask.
EIS customers don't do it in Dallas.
Economists do it with inflation.
Economists don't know how to do it.
Electrical Engineers do it with more frequency and less
Electricians do it in their shorts.
Engineers do it with a first order approximation.
Engineers do it with precision.
Entrepreneurs do it with creativity and originality
Executives do it in three piece suits.
FM Disc Jockeys do it in stereo, and with high fidelity.
Factor analysts rotate their principal components.
Faith healers do it with whatever they can lay their hands
Farmers do it in the dirt.
Farmers do it with cows, sheep and other assorted animals.
First fiddles do it violently.
Fishermen hang him in the water.
Fluid Mechanics do it smoothly.
Flyers do it on top, upside down, or rolling.
Fortran programmers do it with double precision.
Fortran programmers do.
Four wheel drivers do it in the mud.
Frank Lemmen now does it in the army.
Frank Sinatra does it his way.
GCA controllers do it with a refined approach
Gardeners do it in bed.
Gee, I wonder how Oral Roberts does it?
Geologists do it eruptively, with glow, and always smoke afterwards.
Golfers do it in 18 holes.
Golfers do it with their putters.
Good power supplies do it with high regularity.
Graduates do it by degrees.
Group theorists do it either way.
Hackers do it top down.
Hackers do it with UNIX (eunochs).
Hackers do it with bytes.
Hackers go to it.
Hairdressers do it with curling irons.
Ham radio operators do it with higher frequency.
Hang-Gliders do it in the air.
Hardware buffs do it in nanoseconds.
Hayden did it as a surprise.
Hedgehogs do it cautiously.
Heinz does it with great relish.
Hermits do it alone.
Historians did it.
If it feels good, do it.
Inductors dissipate after doing it.
Jockeys do it with whips and saddles.
Joggers do it on the run.
Jugglers do it until they drop.
Jugglers do it with more balls.
Julia Child does it with asparagus and Hollandaise sauce.
Lawrence Welk does it with feeling.
Lawyers do it in briefs.
Lawyers do it in front of the Judge and Jury.
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Let Your Fingers Do It.
Librarians do it by the book.
Librarians do it silently.
Lifeguards do it on the beach.
Linguists do it cunningly.
Linguists do it with their tongues.
Lions do it with pride.
Lisp hackers do it in cars.
Lisp programmers do it between the parentheses.
Lisp programmers have to be bound to do it.
Logicians do it consistently and completely.
Machinelanguage programmers do it with the right MOVEs
Magicians do it with rabbits.
Mathematicians do it continuously.
Mathematicians do it necessarily and sufficiently.
Mathematicians do it with a small imaginary part.
Mathematicians do it with imaginary parts.
Mathemeticians do it exponentially!
Mathmaticians do it an uncountable number of times.
Mathmeticians do it with pencils.
Mayor Daley does it 5 times every election day.
Milkmen do it in the morning.
Miners do it with a bang.
Ministers do it only on Sunday.
Ministers do it vicariously.
Miss Piggy does it with Kermit.
Monopoly players do it for hours.
Morticians do it gravely.
Mountain Climbers do it on the rocks.
Mountain climbers do it abysmally.
Mountaineers do it showing excellent technique on the peak.
Musicians do it with rhythm.
Mussourgsky does it at an exhibition.
Nahh, real mathematicians do it discretely --
anyone who does it
Nixon did it to us, but we did it to him.
Nobel laureates do it in the bank.
NTC resistors do it exactly the other way around.
Nurses do it with patience.
Operators mount everything.
Orthodontists do it with braces.
Oscillators do it repeatedly.
Particle physicists do it energetically.
Pascal programmers do it in variant ways.
Pathologists do it with corpses.
Patients do it feverishly.
Pedofiles do it on their knees.
Pheasants do it under glass.
Photographers do it in the dark.
Physicist do it a quantum at a time.
Physicists do it ultra-relativistically.
Physicists do it with charm.
Physicists do it with high energy particles.
Physicists do it with stangeness.
Pilots do it to get high.
Pipefitters do it with blowtorches.
Plumbers do it with snakes and helpers.
Podiatrists do it with feet.
Poker players do it with their own hand.
Politicians do it to make the headlines.
Polymer Chemists do it in chains.
Postmen do it at the front entrance.
Priests do it heavenly.
Prince Charles and Lady Di do it royally.
Prince Charles does it in succession.
Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
Procrastinators will do it when they get around to it.
Prof. McCarthy does it with a LISP.
Professors forget to do it.
Programmers do it depth-first.
Programmers do it routinely.
Programmers do it top down ( or bottom up or with stepwise
refinement or ...).
Programmers do it with Unix.
Programmers do it with bugs.
Programs do it in loops.
Psychiatrists do it like crazy.
Psychologists do it best at variable intervals.
Psychologists do it with rats!
Psychologists would like to do it with 95% confidence.
Public Transport does it with delay.
Quantum Mechanics do it with uncertainty.
Ranchers do it with cows and sheep.
Real estate brokers do it on the ground.
Receptionists do it in the vestibule.
Recursion theorists do it in one go (Kleene normal form
Reporters do it for the sensation it causes.
Researchers do it with control.
Robbers do it under arms.
Robots do it mechanically.
Roofers do it up on top.
Roosters do it coquettishly.
Rugby players do it with leather balls.
Sailors do it ad nauseam.
Sailors in Inland China do it seasonally.
Schematologists do it haltingly.
Schmitt triggers do it only once (*sigh*).
Scientists do it experimentally.
Scotsmen do it with Amazing Grace.
Second fiddles do it vilely.
Secretaries do it with no mistakes.
Secretaries do it with their fingers.
Sheep do it when led astray.
Shubert didn't finish it.
Skunks do it instinctively.
Skydivers go down faster.
Snakes do it in the grass.
Snipers do it with a bang.
Snobol programmers do it in strings.
Soccer players do it for kicks.
Soldiers do it standing erect.
Sopranos do it in unison.
Sparrows do it for a lark (hearsay).
Spies do it under cover.
St. Matthew did it passionately.
Statisticians do it approximately normally.
Statisticians do it with a little deviance.
Statisticians do it with deviates.
Statisticians do it with probability 1.
Statisticians probably do it.
Steel workers do it hotter.
ST NEWS tries to do it all over the globe.
Stock brokers do it on the margin.
Stragglers do it in the rear.
Structured programmers do it repeatedly or else.
Superman does it faster than a speeding bullet.
Surfers do it standing up.
Surgeons do it incisively.
Swimmers do it in the water.
Swimmers do it under water.
Swimmers do it with strokes.
System programmers do it in overlays.
Systems Programmers do it with pointers.
Tchaikovsky did it pathetically.
Teachers do it with class.
Teddy Roosevelt did it softly, but with a big stick.
Tennis players do it in sets.
Tennis players do it with a racket.
Testators do it willingly.
The IRS does it to EVERYBODY.
The Mets did it in 69.
The folks at Smith-Barney do it "the old fashioned way".
Topologists do it on rubber sheets.
Topologists do it openly.
Transformers do it by coupling.
Transputers do it millions of times per second.
Truants do it absently.
Typesetters do it between periods
Typists do it with their fingers.
UNIX don't do it.
Undertakers do it with corpses.
Unix wizards do it with unchecked conversions.
Ushers do it in the dark.
Ventriloquists do it with their mouths closed.
Violinists do it with long strokes.
WW I GIs did it over there.
Wagner did it for hours.
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips.
Welders do it with hot rods.
Well diggers do it in a hole.
Windsurfers do it standing up.
Wrestlers try not to do it on their backs.
Yankees do it frugally.
Yellow Pages do it with Walking Fingers.
Zippermakers do it on the fly.
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.