"We regret we are unable to give you the weather. We rely on
weather reports from the airport, which is closed because of the
weather. Whether we are able to give you the weather tomorrow
depends on the weather."
MAC ODD - THE THIRD ST NEWS ENCOUNTER
by Mad Doc
* with special realtime appearance by PIA *
Trees whirling by,
the wind in your face,
fish in the oceans,
fat people on TV,
the carrots in your garden,
box people freezing,
children being born,
your first love...
MAC ODD DID NONE OF THIS.
Hello, hello and once again hellooooooo.
The answer to the question in the last instalment of MAC ODD was
in fact "pixie". Yep, "pixie". You can still get yourself a holy
MAC ODD TEGLSTEN if you send the solution to The Mac Odd
Syndicate, P.O. Box 11, 4652 Haarlev, Denmark. In stead of a copy
of any page from the Enterprise manual, a copy of any page from
now dead and gone magazine "The Games Machine" will be accepted.
So write the word "pixie" on a card and send it with a copy of a
page from "The Games Machine" and you will indeed receive a holy
TEGLSTEN (but only if your answer is the first to reach The Mac
The world is kind of hard to figure out isn't it? The other
"Habanalegalegag" said the silly doctor and stuffed the cucumber
into the fax machine. He was in a state of complete and utter
tomato. He was feeling quite overwritten although his left chin
had been rather nice to him that day. The sun was soggy and the
silly doctor was tired after removing all those eggs from Pink
Cow's brain. "Wouldn't it be nice to have a day or two on?" he
was thinking to himself when suddenly a particularly large jar of
jealousy fell from the totem hovering above his head and hit just
that. His nose fell off and later that day he ate it with a nice
barbecue sauce, while his family were watching "Who killed
Wabonegicu that foggy day in the town of Hovedpude".
The scene is set, the excitement is present. YOU are waiting.
All around the world the news spread like a fire. They didn't
believe it. They didn't believe it in Africa, they didn't believe
it in Thailand and they certainly didn't believe it in Sweden.
Not that there wasn't evidence enough, oh no, the facts could not
be denied. It was more a matter of people not wanting to know the
truth about this. A small organization in Belgium had been going
on about it for years, warning all the big leaders, but they had
made it very clear that there was and would never be a problem.
Some of the members of the organization ended up in mental
institutions for doubtful reasons, but no one took any notice of
it, at least not enough to stop it. Or maybe they were just more
than sufficiently bribed. After all, money was nothing. If
silence could be bought, it would be.
Unfortunately, for all the big leaders, a foreign correspondent
in Egypt saw a strange light in the sky one night when he was
camping in the dessert. He was wise enough not to report what he
had seen to anyone. He didn't rush to his typewriter to write
"UFO SIGHTING OVER ALEXANDRIA - John Simons gives you the first
hand story". It would have sold newspapers and it would have paid
off well to Mr. Simons, but for once there was really a reason to
write an article like that. The sighting had really taken place,
and that was exactly why he didn't write the article and chose to
investigate first. And that was the beginning of it all. That was
the beginning of the amazing story that would forever change the
prospects of the entire human race.
Quote from "The Book of Seldomly Used Finnish Wisdom":
"So what if she was? After all, one can't judge a crow on its
Have you ever wondered why MAC ODD hates you so much? You
probably have, but have you ever reached a conclusion? You
probably haven't. After all, it doesn't really matter to you,
does it? "Oh stop asking all those questions, it's too much for
little me" is what you're thinking at this very moment, isn't it?
Well, isn't it? It is, isn't it? Come on, sure it is? Right? It
is... Okay, so all you're concerned about is the fact that MAC
ODD hates you, because that means that you can call yourself a
true follower. It doesn't seem to matter why. But look here,
young slave, it does. Because if you don't know why MAC ODD hates
you, what are you going to do if he stops hating you one day? Got
you there didn't I? It's always best to be prepared, so listen
up. MAC ODD hates you because he's jealous of you, and the more
followers he gets, the more people he has to be jealous of, and
the higher the pressure in the jar in which all his jealousy is
kept becomes. The complete amount of hate, which is distributed
equally among all his followers is actually determined by the
pressure in the jar, and as such, only indirectly by the total
amount of jealousy.
So now you know what's coming.
MAC ODD LOVES YOU
"The silly doctor never existed!"
"I said, the silly doctor never existed!!!"
"Why doesn't anything happen?"
I'll tell you. As long as the silly doctor can still be read
about in one of the holy texts, you can't remove him. He lives
off the words of the texts of Mad Doc. To remove him from
history, it would take the destruction of all copies of ST NEWS
9.1 and 9.2. But can you ever be sure that you have destroyed
them all? Can you ever be sure that once again, it's REAL hate
being projected down on you from the bedroom of MAC ODD? No, no
way, so what then? Well, you would have to remove ST NEWS from
history also. And that's just too scaring an idea for every
significant creature in the entire universe, so you wouldn't get
anyone to do it. And you, lousy little mortal, you couldn't
possibly do it yourself. So there is no solution to the problem
of MAC ODD loving you.
MAC ODD HATES YOU
"HoHow w ththatat's's p posossisiblble?e? I I'm'm a
almlmigightht y y anand d I I woworkrk i in n
mymyststererioiousus w wayays,s,
t thahat't's s whwhy.y....."
YOU HAVE READ THE TRUE VOICE OF MAC ODD, BROUGHT TO YOU IN
Sing along with Johnny Sombrero (just for the heck of it)
The blue sky, oh the blue sky
Dust, du-dust on my cowboy boots
I looooove you, my darlin'
I can be your teddy bear
PING! PING! PING!
Or your wolfman, aWUF!
Tuuuuuurn me one, my honey
Let's riiiiide into the sunset
CHOCK! HORROR! PAC MAN ON E's
After more than 10 years on acid, PAC MAN is now on Ecstacy,
reports many STE owners who claim to have witnessed the aging PAC
MAN character eating this modern drug on their very own screens.
Some even say that PAC MAN has started listening to rave music.
Atari Corporation have refused to comment officially on the
matter, but one spokesman who chose to remain anonymous said:
"The rumours might very well be true. Due to lower budgets, Atari
Corporation have had to cut down on the weekly supply of acid to
Mr. PAC MAN, and on top of this, Mrs. PAC MAN has left him
recently to run off with some Japanese hedgehog she met in a
courtroom. It could very well be, that Mr. PAC MAN is now
experimenting with other drugs, and if that's true, I can only
say that it is a disgrace to our company. We love acid, and our
marketing department has been on it for years..." "But does that
mean that Mr. PAC MAN will no longer be working with you, if the
rumours turn out to be true?" we asked the spokesman. "Well, if
that's the case, I guess we could always get Mr. PAC MAN to
promote the Virtual Light Machine in the Jaguar CD-ROM unit for
If you have any further information about the current habits of
PAC MAN, you are welcome to send them to The Mac Odd Syndicate.
The address can be found earlier in this text.
MAC ODD WANTS PAC MAN BACK ON ACID!!!
Are you being humble? I sort of suspect that you are not. Be
humble. Be humble. Be humble in the light of MAC ODD.
Be humble and read:
Mac Odd's complete guide to insanity.
To fully appreciate the hate of MAC ODD, you have to be a little
insane. You don't have to be stark raving mad, just pretty far
out. To achieve madness, just follow this step by step guide:
1) Slam your head into a wall and keep slamming till the wall
The next steps will be revealed sometime in the future, but
until then, you must memorise this first step. To help you,
here's a little song about it...
SLAM YOUR HEAD INTO A WALL.
As performed by Mighty Metal Mutant and the Major Motherfuckers.
I sleep all day when I sleep all day
When I don't wake up, I sleep all day
When I sleep all day, I don't wake up
Will I never wake up, will I sleep all day all days?
Am I alive? Or am I food for worms?
Must find out, must find out
I SLAM MY HEAD INTO A WALL
slam, slam, slam, slam
I CRUSH MY HEAD AND I STILL STAND TALL
crush, crush, slam, slam
au! au! crush, crush
slam, slam, drip, drip
crush, au! slam, au!
crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush
Unfortunately, the song isn't any longer. Unfortunately?
Maybe it is anyway. Anyway?
au! au! au! au! au! au! au! au! au! au! au! au! au! au! au!
the sound of sweaty, puffy flesh against wooden floor
Get a step further next time - get to the next step in further
time with MAC ODD!
If you still haven't sent the 100 Guilders to Richard Karsmakers
for participating in the "Mac Odd Embraces You Interactive
Ritual", then please skip the next lines. They are simply not for
you, and you may not read them under any circumstances. If,
however, you have sent off the money, please read on. That is if
you have sent them to Richard and not anyone else. Okay, so if
you have sent them to me, no problem. Only, no one have, so it
isn't really relevant.
Why are you reading this? You didn't send any money to Richard.
What do you think this is, a bloody shareware registration? (just
to avoid misunderstandings, that was a very ironical question)
ASK RUDE QUESTIONS WITH MAC ODD TO ANNOY PEOPLE IN GENERAL
"Say, that's a nice dress. In which container did you find it?"
"Would you like some biscuits? You've eaten everything else"
"This food is really delicious. Would you pass the salt, the
chilli, the soya sauce, the ketchup and the dressing please?"
"How old are you? You don't look a day over 90"
"Oh, so you have a PC. Is it fast enough to run Pong?"
"You've got a great figure. Have you considered taking up sumo
"Did you know that MAC ODD loves you?"
And that's just where we hit the nail on the hammer again... or
something like that
OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL
The mighty MAC ODD looked down upon planet Earth, and his evil
eye was caught by the sight of his goddess, theone and only PIA;
and for a brief moment, he couldn't hate anyone.
Well, I can tell you this much. Rye bread, I have lost my
glasses. Giggle, giggle, it feels almost like sleeping. It's very
nice, and it's got gold on it, and it's full of fish. They're
great you know, and you don't see them every day. Hmm., God
(MAC ODD!) I have to squeeze my brain, it's the one where they
really turn up the volume, it's one of the latest, not the one
with the teddy bear, mind you. They're gonna shoot me through
the tiny hole, I'm sure. It's such trouble, and they don't even
look pretty, and my cat UPS, she's so quiet, isn't she lying
down just to the left of you, looking at you? It's funny,
she's so quiet. It's probably because you're typing away,
she's normally on my lap. All those small subjects. How can they
expect us to fill all those pages, we haven't got that many
formulas. Do you ever watch The Sirens? It's a very nice show you
know, with three women police officers who get mixed up in all
sorts of exciting stuff. I just thought of it, you might have
seen it. It's not like all those other American shows. Just a
bit, 'cause one of them kissed her partner the other day, but
when it comes to tuna fish, I am in utter ecstacy. Cod roe,
that's the thing. Isn't it great? Dum da dum, oh, by the way, I
haven't looked at my mail yet. SLAM, BANG, the latest edition of
The Coupon News has arrived. She lost 23 kilos in 5 months just
by sticking a bloody plaster on her arm, can you believe it?
Finally, I would like to say to everybody out there: MAC ODD
is the best! I don't know why, but he is.
The easter brew is great this year.
And PIA drank the water and thought of statistics. And Mad Doc
saw that it was good and removed the disk containing the divine
speech from the bay of the floppy drive of the PC of the goddess.
As PIA drifted off to sleep, darkness slowly found it's way back
through the infinite cracks in what the primitive Earthlings
called the time-space continuum...
MAC ODD is still watching you
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.