"In two words: Im-possible."
THE ENCYCLOPAEDIA HOLLANDICA
by Kai Holst
This encyclopaedia was submitted by Kai, about two months after
I had devised the "Encyclopaedia Norwegica Revisitas" (the
abridges and revised version). As I wouldn't dream of letting you
miss out on the other side of the coin (i.e. the Nutties' vision
on Holland and nuttiness in general), it's featured in its
complete and utterly uncensored version here. Entries similar to
the ones in my version are conincidental, but just serve to prove
the Universality of It All!
All I have done is changed the layout a bit, and added the quote
Welcome to the Hitchhikers Guide to the second flattest country
in Europe! This unique encyclopaedia is intended to be used as an
explanation when you come across internal jokes and expressions
in the other articles, but it is also a fair representation of
the cumulated impressions our recent journey to The Netherlands
left me with. A few things to note are...
* All records written in Bold.
* Different explanations are marked 1), 2), 3)...
* To Swedes, this is a perpetual encyclopaedia. See Perpetual!
* Holland and The Netherlands are both commonly used as the name
of the nether regions. In this encyclopaedia, I have only used
24892: According to the SCR philosophy, this number represents
the answer to life, the universe and everything.
42: 1) According to Douglas Adams, this is the answer to life,
the universe and everything. 2) The number of times you should
expect to be drowned by your closest friends if you're mad enough
to enter a Dutch public bath.
Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø: Norwegian citizen; Student, editor of
SCR, author, coder and more. Known under a lot of preudonymes,
most of which are listed in this encylopaedia.
Amsterdam: The capital of Holland. Drug-capital of Europe.
Antidote: Norwegian Virus-Killer, programmed by Kai Holst in
cooperation with Geir Øyvind Vælidalo. Not released commercially
yet. Extremely and utterly fast and competitive.
Aphrodite: The perfect woman. Adored subject of discussions
among several known Dutchmen as well as Norwegians. On the
finger-scale Aphrodites will be rewarded with 10 or 9½!
Aurora Borealis: Northern light. Atmospherical phenomenon which
can be observed in the areas surrounding the magnetic north pole.
Baldness: The state of being without hair. Richard shows strong
symptoms of suffering from B.
Bath: (Or: Swimming-pool) Death trap.
Bel Canto: 1) Norwegian group from Tromsø. Plays beautiful,
eerie music which soothes the mind. 2) Italian form of music. In
Italian, "Bel Canto" means "Beautiful tune/melody".
Black Metal T-Shirts, wearer of: See Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø.
Carey, Mariah: OK voice, nice body, crap music. Richard's PAM.
Cheese: Type of food found all over the world. Some brands have
gained international fame, such as the Dutch Gouda and Norwegian
Jarlsberg. Brown variants of cheese exsts, but these are known to
be successful in Norway only.
Coder: Person who writes computer programs. Often very correctly
considered to be anti-social individuals.
Coding: State of productivity. Often achieved after consuming
one or several types of alcohol. The result of coding depends on
the confidence on the coder.
Confidence / Self-confidence: Seldomly found in Holland.
Crazy Footnote: (Short: CF!) Short variant of Crazy Letter.
Crazy Letter: (Short: CL!) Highly unusual form of communication,
usually found between members of the Norwegian and Dutch ST-
societies. Minimum length of a CL is 131072 bytes (128 kB)!
Filled with various drivel, but is also the original source of
many literary masterpieces, some of which have been published in
both SCR and ST News.
Crazy Letter, Ultimate: Ultimate Crazy Letter of approximately
845 kilobytes! Written by Gard Eggesbø Abrahamsen.
Dutchmen: Dwellers of the nether regions; Known as Dutchies or
Digital Disasters. Avoid if possible, tame othervise. Treat with
care, and feed thrice a day.
Eggesbønes: Small (!) place in western Norway.
Eggesbønes, Dweller of: See Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø.
Everlasting: See Perpetual.
Finger-scale: Scale often used by Norwegian males to describe
the outlook and intelligence of females. The scale goes from 1 to
10, with 10 being the best.
Fireworks: Small missiles, often used in assassination attempts
against any unfortunate Norwegians visiting the nether regions.
Foldable One, The: See Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø.
Hair: Status symbol. This can probably explain the difference in
confidence noticed between Norwegains and Dutchmen. See Baldness.
Hardrock Café: Place in Amsterdam where brill music is played!
Heavy Metal: Ultimate Music!
Heavy Metal Worshipper: See Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø.
Hogshead: The amount of Coca-Cola annually consumed by the
average Dutch Student. In USA, this equals 62 gallons (234.5
litres); In great Britain it is 52½ gallons (238.5 litres).
Holland: Small country firmly situated on the coast of the North
Sea. Home country of Dutchmen. Known for monotonous landscape,
foreign ministers who cannot speak proper English, the most
dangerous habits known concerning fireworks, great cheese and
their colonies during the 16th to the 18th century. Population
unknown, though internationally regarded as "too big". Bitterly
cold in winter; rumoured to be slightly less so in summer.
Holst, Kai: Formerly unknown Norwegian. Programmer, journalist,
author, encyclopaedia (ST News) and student. Co-editor of SCR and
frequent contributant to ST News. Loves Jennifer. Currently lives
in Øvre Årdal.
Insanely Witty One, The: See Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø.
Jennifer: PAF of Kai Holst, living in USA. Scores a natural 10
on the finger-scale!
Mack: The best beer there is!
Midnight Sun: Phenomenon to be encountered in the polar areas of
the Earth: In the summer the sun doesn't go below the horizon in
areas north/south of the respective polar circles. Of great help
to all who want to party all night long.
Miranda: 1) Richard Karsmakers's PAF. Exceptional cook! 2) One
of Jupiter's moons - heavenly body in more than one meaning.
Modesty: Expression relatively unknown to Norwegians.
Moustache: Facial hair-growth. Known to look utterly silly on
most long-haired persons.
Netherlands, The: See Holland.
Nobel, Alfred: Inventor of dynamite.
Norway: Land of the Midnight Sun, the Aurora Borealis and the
Vikings. In international relations, known as Slartibartfast's
masterpiece and the land of fjords (Mostly green ones). Also the
home of Nutty Norwegians!
Norwegian, Loneliest: See Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø.
Norwegians: Species of nutty human beings with various abilities
and skills concerning Computers and Literature. Believed to be
descendants of Vikings and kidnapped Dutch virgins. Perpetually
laughing specimens are known to exist.
O.U.C.H.: Norwegian coding crew. The initials have no meaning as
of today, but feel free to send suggestion to the SCR editors!
O.U.C.H. Home Vid': The most successful of known home-vid's.
Humouristic and entertaining!
O.U.C.H. Home Vid', Director of: See Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø.
PAF: Abbrevation for Primarily Adored Female. In spite of the
rude direct meaning, these words describe warm love and devotion,
and not lust of flesh. The first letter can be changed to achieve
priority expressions: "P" means primarily, "S" means secondarily,
and so on.
PAM: Abbrevation for Primarily Adored Musician. See PAF.
Paragon: Not a thing to be found in Holland.
Party: Pastime known to most people. Usually involves music,
food/drinks, lots of people in high spirits (Both male and
female), and perhaps even a video or ten.
Perpetual: See Everlasting.
Pestilence: 1) See Dutchmen or Norwegians, depending on your
sympathy to the other nationality. 2) Dutch band (SUX). 3) Most
non-Norwegians impression of brown cheese.
Plantiac Vieux: Divine drink with an alcoholic contents of 35%.
Cannot be described with words.
Plantiac Vieux, Hater of: See Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø.
Posthuma, Stefan: Absent.
Quartermass Experiment: Undescribable bunch of Dutch maniacs.
The kind of intelligence these guys seem to possess is not what
we'd usually call intelligence, but rather a kind of creative
madness mixed with an interest in computers. Cool guys, though!
SCR: Scriba Communis Responsi. International Norwegian diskzine
edited by Gard Eggesbø Abrahamsen and Kai Holst. Based on a non-
absurd idea of magical numbers, and features intellectual
literature as well as humorous tales. SCR is published for the
Atari range of computers and IBM PCs.
ST News: International Dutch diskzine edited by Stefan Posthuma.
Olders known to have survived on the Atari ST, currently being in
its eight year! Features a variety of computer-related articles,
as well as special literature issues!
ST News Encyclopaedia, Walking: See Holst, Kai.
Topless One: See Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø.
TOS: The international abbrevation of Tromsø Airport.
Tromsø: Paris of the North! this city is known to have a surplus
of beautiful girls, the best beer there is and Midnight Sun!
Ultimate Crazy Letter, Creator of: See Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø.
Utrecht: The fourth biggest city of Holland.
UVK: Dutch Virus Killer written by Richard Karsmakers. Very
successful in spite of serious lacks regarding speed and user-
Venus: 1) Perfect female. See Aphrodite. 2) One of the planets
of our solar system.
Vikings: The warrior race of ancient Scandinavia. Famous for the
journeys westwards to North-America and eastwards to Turkey and
Russia, and infamous for frequent kidnapping of Dutch virgins.
Virgin, Oldest Norwegian: See Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø.
Virgins, Dutch: Females who found themselves the object of
desire of Vikings approximately a thousand years ago. According
to Dutch belief, many of them were kidnapped and brought to
Norway. See Vikings and Norwegians.
Virus Killer: 1) Computer Program written to search out and
obliterate so-called computer viruses. See Antidote and UVK. 2)
Programmer who has written such a program.
White Noise: Brilliant CD-Shop in Utrecht.
Woman: Female creature. Carbon-based lifeforms of the female sex
are the sole reproductive possibilities of intelligent Earthbound
species, ie. most mammals, even humans. Women are the primary
target of male affection and desire, though known to cause dire
sorrow by turning them down. See Aphrodite.
Zealot of O.U.C.H: See Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø and O.U.C.H..
ÆæØøÅå: The special characters of the Norwegian character set,
appearing after the Z. In certain nether regions looked upon as a
pestilence, though extremely adored by most Norwegians.
Øvre Årdal: Small place sitiated in a mountain crack in western
Norway. Not worthy checking out, except for the magnificent
nature! The name can be translated to "Upper Yearwalley" or
"Upper Orewalley" with a little imagination.
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.