"Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily I love you' on
the back of the bill."
'Byte your BIT's'
Hello and welcome to the long waited sequel to the critically
acclaimed Pervert's monthly (Issue 1). This time we take a
sophisticated look at the world of (mild) perversion and things
you can do with a chest expander (Number 5 is right now
desperately trying to expand his chest, but then he always did
want to be Dolly Parton!)(-no I bloody well don't...didn't...
whatever!!!!!!!-Ed.)(That's because you're now trying to expand
your legs!). Let us continue... Time for the contents:
Editorial - Better read it!-Ed!
How to be a complete Pervert (Beginners level) - the second
part of Number 5's essential guide which takes (or perhaps
cums) off where our last issue left off.
Competition! (10 Words) - Win loads of goodies in our first
ever competition of staggering proportions! (And what
proportions they are!)
Reader's Letters - Any comments? Then send them in!
Pervert's Forum - It's time for you to write pervertedly!
(or perhaps not.)
The "I don't want a friend, I just need a lover" appeal on
behalf of Thea Gibb - read it and get your pens out guys -
it sounds as contrived as hell but honestly we're serious.
Sports News - our sport features desk brings you news of
the hottest new female Ice Hockey team - Plus an exclusive
Story time - Yes! It's time for the first instalment of our
amazing new story guaranteed to do more for you than your
hairdresser ever did! It's "The last of the Bouffants"!
So don't just sit there fiddling with your joystick - get
Hello and welcome fellow readers,
This should be the first article you read after our brief intro
and please allow me to thank you (and especially Richard) for
your support of our first edition (which I was amazed to find
included in ST NEWS Volume 7 Issue 3). Personally I thought it
was rubbish and generally brought down the whole tone of the disk
mag. Having accomplished this primary objective I was amazed to
find Floppyshop ST (PD outlet) commenting on our "highly amusing"
article (or words to that effect (I can't find the bloody
leaflet!)). Anyway I certainly hope you will enjoy this edition
which is again full of many pointless and perverted articles
which' reason for appearance is beyond human comprehension.
We would like to begin corresponding with our readership in many
(or perhaps only one) columns. Hopefully we will cover many
topics from perverts' dreams to the meaning of life but we NEED
YOUR HELP! YOU must write into us (addresses given at the bottom
of the document). More info can be found in the various articles
included within the rest of this document. Please write
(anything!) but above all enjoy what you read...
After we have all slapped ourselves (oo-er!) on the back for our
heroic efforts in the first issue we are presented with the
problem of how we are going to make this issue even bigger,
better and bouncier (oo-er!) than the previous one. After
dredging our stagnant canal of ideas we have come (oo-er!) up
with some new ways to entertain and captivate the collective
consciences of the perverted. While I try to work out what that
sentence meant Number 5 will continue in his quest to find the
meaning of the ultimate question: What is an oo-er anyway?
How to be a complete pervert: Part 2 (beginners level)
Welcome once more, all you budding perverts, to Number 5's most
prestigious column in this mag. Last time you were introduced to
the concept of the OO-ER. For those of you who missed our first
edition (YES YOU! YOU should be ashamed of YOURself! Go to your
local PD library and buy ST NEWS Volume 7 Issue 3 immediately!!)
I will briefly recap:
"The OO-ER is a saying that is used by any self-respecting
pervert when a statement is made (normally by some other party to
the pervert him/herself) that contains sexual connotations -
Whether or not (and not is usually the case) the original
statement was meant in this way or not e.g. assume that a
football coach is talking to his manager as they both watch a new
goalkeeper trying out for the club.
Coach: "He's a good 'un that one boss."
Manager: "He is indeed. That one could catch the balls on a male
cheetah going at 90mph!" - OO-ER!!!
Hopefully that pathetic example has allowed you to vaguely grasp
the concept (OO-ER!) of the OO-ER. If it didn't then you should
have read Part One!!
Anyway, on to today's lesson.
Having discovered the basic fact that spontaneity is required
for the most funny and original OO-ER's we will now stop looking
at the whole sentence and concentrate on the more sophisticated
art of finding an OO-ER from one WORD!
How to go about it (OO-ER - you see that was spontaneous!):
Firstly you must note that words will fall into the two
categories described in Part 1 - e.g. The ACTIVE (obvious) or the
PASSIVE (more imaginative (and subsequently more skilful)) OO-ER.
First let's start with some examples.
"Steamy", "Bondage", "Hot", "Passionate", "Penis", "Vagina", "ST
Format" (oops! Sorry! That's not perverted - just crap!) (Please
don't libel us, we were telling the truth! - Ed.).
All these words have obvious sexual connotations. Put bluntly
they are VULGAR! Use such words as these for practice perhaps but
rest assured that no matured, experienced (OO-ER), or skillful
Pervert (in our sense of the word as opposed to the common
misconception) would be heard dead saying such obvious OO-ER's
(and that would not be just because they're dead!).
Now then let us quickly advance closer towards the true, pure
aim of a Pervert (you don't actually know what this is yet but in
time you shall discover the truth for yourselves (so keep reading
all our mags as we may have a competition on it later)).
"come", "feud", "dissimilitude"
All these words do have sexual connotations if you can use one
of the true arts of the Pervert - word definition morphing
(better remember that for future competition use). That is to say
one takes a chosen literal meaning of a word (as found in a
dictionary) and then derives through warp drive (that is the
drive that forces a Pervert to find perversion through a warped
mind, NOT something out of Star Trek (Great program now I come to
mention it)(No it isn't - Ringpull) - let me show you some
"Come" means to 'come too'. In common usage this is also used as
'Come in'. Subsequently 'come' becomes 'cum' and 'cum in' remains
an unfinished sentence and so we have our sexual connotation and
so we cry "OO-ER". That was easy wasn't it! You'll be doing it
before you know it - Really you will because it will be the only
way you can WIN OUR AMAZING COMPETITION (details in competition
For some final help here are answers for the other two examples.
"Feud" is an 'argument over'. So, to achieve our aims we shall
choose to complete the sentence as follows 'is an argument over
which man gets to go at which end of the woman' - this of course
leads us troilism (or three for fun!) and subsequently the chance
to shout our "OO-ER!"
"Dissimilitude" - means 'a comparison by contrast' e.g. Number
5's is very big, compared to a wild, rampant Stallion! Definite
sexual connotations so feel free to shout the four lettered
Lastly you will notice that I have not included any objects in
this Passive set. A full explanation of such perverted things as
'cookers' was given in Part one and so all you good and dedicated
Perverts-to-be out there who read the first instalment will have
a slight head start in our competition which appears later in
this document and to which all of you should go to immediately
now that this amazing piece of literary mastery is completed.
Which it is!
The Bloody end (OO-ER! - kitchen-knife-painful-mate!)
Look, just go away and read the rest of this document while I
contemplate the meaning of life.
N.B.: Don't miss Part 3 out in our very next edition.
"How to be a complete Pervert" was sponsored by Mass ovation
plc. in association with the Mr Marjacq life accomplishment fund
for the preservation of swimming pools for young women.
Forget the national lottery! Put away your pools coupon! Stop
placing bets on how long it will take the kettle to boil! Drop
that Microprose crossword (it was too easy anyway!). Now it's
time for the ultimate challenge of intellect, endurance and
Well, dear readers I can see your eyes light up at the prospect
of wining loads of goodies. Pervert's Monthly does not promise to
bring you a competition every edition but what the hell - there's
First of all the brilliant, unbelievable prizes that are on
A Free copy of the hottest new HCC release - 'Minesweeper'
A pair of official Santa Claus musical boxer shorts
Plus for every entrant with 10 worthy answers you will be
entitled to join the club of elite perverts and we will send you
an official certificate of perversion. Being a member of the
elite perverts club will entitle you to such benefits as a a free
invite to the HCC Hogmanay party (bring your own bottle), entry
at Lieutenant rank in the War of the Perverts (See perverts
forum), the right to be perverted with pride and if you are
really perverted you will earn the right to join our band of
perverted writers here at PM.
"What must I do to win some of these incredible gifts of value
and importance?!" I hear you cry. Well, it's very simple really.
As mentioned in 'How to be a complete Pervert Part 2' earlier in
this section, there are many ways in which one simple, innocent
and wholly respectable word can become devious, amusing and
This whole competition is based on this fact and if you have not
read Part 2 then:
1. Go and kill yourself.
2. Be re-incarnated as a fly.
3. Wilfully throw yourself onto a spider's web where you should
purge yourself of all guilt before finally being devoured alive.
4. Be re-incarnated (again) as an intellectual of the first
5. Commit suicide again (as an intellectual would never read
this!) by bungee-jumping off of the Leaning Tower of Pizza with
cheese-wire wound around both of your testicles (Don't be afraid
of the fall - it won't kill you - the cheese-wire and sudden
impact with the Earth will!)
6. For the third and final time be re-incarnated as yourself
(before you first committed suicide) and read Part 2 of the
7. Return to this point and read the 10 words listed below. Put
these words on a piece of paper and then write how you would make
each of them perverted (an example is given below). Finally send
this to our address which is below the example and 10 listed
words which are given below.
The best entries will be published and prizes sent - WE WOULD
LIKE TO HAVE SOME ENTRANTS PLEASE! So start writing now. Here's
Albumen - (Now I will quote from my dictionary:) "any tissue
within the seed-coat other than the embryo itself - e.g.
endoSPERM and periSPERM." Thus the use of 'sperm' gives an active
OO-ER and so one can shout "OO-ER".
OK then, you can now have a go at these (use a dictionary if it
helps and remember - you can pick words out of a sentence to
create an OO-ER or the definition itself could be an OO-ER (you
might be able to apply it to a sexual act etc.) finally remember
that the physical properties of an object may be OO-ERish).
10. Xenon (the inert gas)
Well? Do you think you've managed it? This Perversion can
require a good intelligence you know - not everyone is capable of
it (Ahh! Impotency! - OO-ER!).
Anyway if you have your answers then pop them in an envelope and
send them to:
Perverts Monthly magazine,
25 Kiltrochan Dr.,
I hope to be hearing from you soon!
Now to give your brains a rest we have a word from our sponsors:
Ever want to get away from it all? (After that competition you
Ever wanted to lose weight rapidly?
Ever wanted to get rich on the Gob-stopper exchange market?
If so, then Ethiopian Express Tours is for you.
Our luxury airliners (chartered from the US air force (So where
is this Bosnia place anyway?)) will quickly and comfortably air-
drop you out to a small Ethiopian village. Once there you will
experience total peace (Because no one has the energy left to
speak), speedy weight loss (through dehydration) and the
starvation experience of a lifetime.
So book now to ensure your place on the next flight out to the
McDonalds-beating trip of a lifetime!
Yes, well, I don't know about you, Ringpull, but I can't wait
for my free complimentary tickets.
No, neither can I, but only so I can sell them to Bosnians on
the black market.
(Xenophobic? Us? Never!)
Enough bad taste for the moment, so now Ringpull's monthly
outlook at life in a grotty little Scottish village called
Balfron (Yes, I'm leaving here in the summer!!).
That's strange, the power light on Number 5's ST just went out.
Does that mean I'm hallucinating when I see this wonderful issue
of PM on the screen before me? Well, it was too good to be
Seasons Greetings! Yes, I know it's not Christmas... wait a
minute, it is Christmas! No it isn't! ... Let's sort this out:
The odds are roughly 365 to 1 that you are reading this on
Christmas (In fact they are much higher as you wouldn't wait
until Christmas to read this (and I'm sure you have much better
things to do on Christmas)).
OK, so it probably isn't Christmas, but I am writing this on the
25th of December 1992. Just to prove it I shall insert the
system date in here: 25 December 1992. (I love these word
processors!). I have buried through the old wrapping paper,
jumpers, socks, empty selection boxes and returned presents from
last year to uncover my ST and do some writing while I try to
digest my Christmas dinner (Did you know I just corrected a silly
mistake in the first paragraph? I should write this column as a
macro rather than a document, it would be much more interesting).
It is a typical Christmas family gathering here: It is raining,
we are all wearing silly party hats, the cat is up the tree and
we are all wishing that my little brother had received some
headphones with his keyboard, his playing is dire (and I don't
mean straits). There is some good news however, I am now the
proud owner of "Mostly Harmless" by Douglas Adams (Well, at £13 I
wasn't going to buy it myself). I shall read it soon and keep
Don't you hate it when you think you have saved something and
you turn the computer off? (Yes, I know what you are thinking.
You are thinking "What a stupid prat, he wrote lots of
interesting and exciting stuff and then lost it all due to sheer
incompetence") It now appears that I will have to write the next
two paragraphs again.
It is now 27 December 1992 (Alternate+D: Insert date!) (By the
way the time is 22:02:56!), I have just been to visit Number 5 to
laugh at his Christmas presents. An executive portable gym!
HaHaHaHa! I really shouldn't laugh, someone (my uncle to be
precise) sent me a Filofax! Aaarrgghh! The embarrassment! The
shame! Everyone will think I'm a yuppie!
The filofax is now down the back of the bookcase along with the
batteries from my little brother's keyboard. I can now be seen
in public again. By the way, have you seen the crossword from
issue 2 of the Microprose newsletter? I have only 14 and 17
across and 16 down to go with 4 days till the closing date.
14. Swamp-living is unwell in between (7)
Okay, that's a tricky one. Especially as there are only 6 boxes
to put the letters in. I will give up on this one. By now you
are no doubt wondering why you are reading these seasonal
ramblings, so here is some of what is known in the trade as
This is a computer magazine after all so lets peel of the layers
of operating systems and byte some bits. So, the Falcon is here
(you thought I was going to say landed, didn't you?) so no prizes
for guessing what we shall talk about first (If you want a prize,
see our competition!).
The question that must be on everybody's lips at the moment is
"Where is Ringpull going to get the money for a Falcon?"
Unsubstantiated rumours are flying around involving bank
robberies, corruption, forgery and quick trips to Taiwan to break
into an Atari factory (And don't forget the rumour about the
grandmother, a Chippendales video and a certain girl from down
the road). Those with some moral values will be pleased to know
that I have in fact saved £50 of my own hard-earned cash already.
Atari sent me some info sheets that seem to concentrate more on
the Amiga 1200 than the Falcon but even through all the anti-
Amiga sales pitch I can see that it is a promising machine. I
pick up a copy of "ST Format" in the newsagents and it says don't
buy an A1200! (By the way, have you heard of a machine called the
Falcon? No, but don't buy an A1200). I turn on the television
and wait for adverts telling me about all the educational,
musical and professional possibilities of the Falcon, but all I
get is "Buy an Amiga 600, it's so small you can pretend it's a
Nintendo" (Keyboard optional extra).
OK, so Atari's marketing isn't too hot, but I don't see how they
can lose with this machine. It has the specs of a NeXT system
for a fraction of the price! Pity it doesn't have the NeXT
operating system too, but then maybe they could release NeXT-Step
for the Falcon?
But what I really want is a Falcon040. I get a tingling
sensation all over when I think of a 60MHz 68040, I have erotic
dreams about DSPs and I lust for possibly the most desirable
object on earth, a detachable keyboard!
P.S. Atari, perhaps you would like to send me a Falcon (For
development purposes of course).
I haven't slagged of Microprose yet in this column so here
I would like to state at this point that I don't have a grudge
against Microprose and I think they produce excellent software.
I am only making suggestions so that they bring us even better
games (No hard feelings guys, look on it as free advertising).
This month we discuss some of the technical aspects of
Microprose games, in this case serial (no cornflakes please!)
links and hard disk installation. The big question is "Why are
these found on most of the Amiga versions of the games but not on
the ST versions?". Serial links are an extremely good feature in
a game, especially a flight simulator. It may seem heartless
killing all those innocent computer controlled planes, especially
when what you really want to do is brutally massacre your best
friends (Well, at least I do!). Hard disk installation is
invaluable with large games, and those of us with loadsa RAM
(HaHa No.5! How can you survive with just 512K?) can install the
whole thing on a RAM-disk. Microprose, please in future provide
these features in your ST games!
Another thing you will want to work on is Falcon compatible or
Falcon specific versions of your games. You might think "F-19"
or "F1-GP" is good on an 8MHz ST but just imagine the speed on a
16MHz 32-bit machine! Or a 60MHz 68040! Archimedes nowhere!!!
Weeee! Mmmeeooww!! Rat-a-tat-a-tat!!...
[We interrupt this column to allow Ringpull to run around the
room pretending to be a plane and a Formula One car.]
It's now time to don the Arran jumper, the tasteful gray socks
and assume the Barry Norman position (Crossed legs, hands on
knees) and take our regular look at what's happening down the
local cinema (And why not?).
Not too many films reviewed here as they won't give me a free
pass for the cinema (I'm a film critic, honest!).
It's not exactly recent, but I saw 'When Harry met Sally' on the
telly last night and I thought it was very good. Get it on video
now, or even better, hold your local cinema manager hostage until
he promises to give you a special screening on one of the big
wide screens (I feel that films are nowhere near as good on TV).
An interesting film that was in the cinema recently was 'Peter's
Friends', a good film with a cast full of British TV comedians:
Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie and Tony Slattery. The plot basically
involves them spending a holiday in Peter's (Fry's) country house
and then destroying all their relationships.
One of the big films of the year was 'Batman Returns', basically
"Batman" but with a new villain and Michelle Pfeiffer replacing
Kim Basinger. A good film with lots of evil businessmen, freaky
super-heroes and Gotham city is even more gray and miserable than
here! Some people (No.5 in particular) would also recommend it
for the added attraction of seeing Michelle Pfeiffer in a rather
tight fitting Catwoman costume.
An extremely good film which you should definitely see is 'Blade
Runner - The Director's Cut'. I personally have not seen the
original but this version is very good. This film is the way
Ridley Scott meant the film to be in the first place and
dispenses with the happy ending.
I could have told you about all the films that where on over
Christmas but I keep forgetting to watch or video them, I guess I
am just to lazy to be bothered watching TV.
Time to interrupt all this sensible, respectable stuff and bring
you a special report from the HCC Hogmanay party. "HA!" you say,
"Just a bunch of computer freaks getting drunk and playing every
two player game they can find", but I must correct you there, it
involved a bunch of computer freaks drinking sensibly and playing
every two player game they could find.
I must tell the truth, a couple of people did get a slight bit
tipsy, although how they can get drunk on two cans of cider is
beyond me. Highlights were: special screenings of No5's videos
(please don't ask), eating lots of cheesecake, Watching Ringpull
trying (and almost succeeding) to play "Layla" on a small plastic
toy guitar with only four strings, making a mess of the carpet
and watching a certain person (who shall remain nameless) trying
to take advantage of other people's wives (shame on him,
especially at his age).
Not much to say here at the moment, the only album I have bought
recently is Eric Clapton's 'Unplugged' which is acoustic versions
of some of his old songs and some others. Quite pleasant
listening and good for embarrassing people who are in the record
shop with you: "No, you're not going to buy an Eric Clapton tape
Another album worth considering is Genesis's 'The way that we
walk' which is a live album with most of the old Genesis hits.
One album you should definitely not touch (not even with a Big
Blue Barge-pole is 'Boss Drum' by the Shamen. What is this
electronic garbage? Why are those people talking over the top of
it? Why is there so much green on the cover? I am currently
living in shame as my brother bought this album and he actually
Our local attempt at musical fame, now known as 'Service 107'
has a new album out called "Banknotes". It is a whole half hour
long (wow! (said Zaphod)) and contains original material. I have
not heard it yet as Woliz won't give me a copy unless I pay for
it and I am not paying for it. I am still trying to talk him
into letting me be his marketing agent but he still won't give me
a free copy!
While we are on the subject of useless Christmas presents (which
we weren't - Ed) what are you supposed to do with an electric
toothbrush? Yes, I know, brush your teeth. But what a waste of
money for something you can do perfectly well with you own hands
I should really now go and study for my exams next week but
there is a very high probability that I won't...
READ MORE IN PART 2 OF THIS ISSUE
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.