"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good
men to do nothing."
HOW TO BE A WALLY
brought to you by Slasher Bog of 'Special FX'
(in a moment of madness)
History affords many examples of famous men and women who
narrowly missed being Wallies.
Sir Francis Drake, for instance could so easily have been a
Wally if instead of playing bowls on Plymouth Hoe, he'd been
playing Crazy Golf.
Boadicea could have had the honour of being history's first
female Wally if instead of fitting blades to the wheels of her
chariot, she'd stencilled her name on the front or decorated it
with a couple of fluffy dice.
King John could have been a Wally if he'd signed the Magna Carta
with a giant novelty biro. So could King Arthur, if he'd covered
the Round Table with woodgrain laminate.
Nero, too, missed a golden oppertunity to be a Wally by fiddling
while Rome burned instead of playing a medley from Evita on the
Of them all, perhaps King Alfred came the closest to being a
Wally when he burnt the cakes. He wasn't to know that Wallies
don't cook their own - they prefer Mr Kippling's Coffee Gateaux
from the local Spar shop.
They and many more like them were unlucky. They didn't know the
They Got It Wrong.
You, on the other hand, are more fortunate. Thanks to this
Document you can learn all you need to know to become a Wally.
With practice, patience and application you can avoid their
mistakes and Get It Right, if not first time, then at least on
your twentieth or possibly thirtieth try.
But first, what exactly is a Wally?
A Wally, for the benefit of those of few benighted souls who
don't already know, is someone who keeps the current issue of the
"TV Times" in an embossed imitation leather binder. He drives a
customised Ford Escort with his name stencilled on the windscreen
alongside that of his girlfriend, Go Faster stripes on the sides,
and probably a sticker on the back that says "My Other Car's a
Porsche". At heavy metal concerts you'll find scores of
apprentice Wallies, but the real hard-core Wallies are easy to
spot: They're the ones bobbing up and down at the back, playing
Many Wallies are also headbangers (sorry MUG UK, but if the cap
fits!), but it doesn't necessarily follow. All headbangers,
however, are by definition Wallies.
The person who sabotaged your office/college vending machine by
gumming up the works with foreign coins was probably a Wally.
Those people you see waving scarves and fluffy toys and grinning
inanely at you from the back of coaches are definitely Wallies.
The person who tries to sell you double-glazing and tells you
he's installed it in his own home is a Wally. If you believe him,
you're one too - and you don't need any help from this document
A Wally is someone who has a sticker on his steering wheel
saying "Belt Up - Be a Life-saver" - and still forgets to wear a
seatbelt. His idea of gardening is to buy a roll of nylon lawn,
lay it in his back garden, attempt to mow it with a Flymo (coz
"It's A Lot Less Bover Wiv a Hover!") and accidentally slices
through the flex. He has been known to shave his chest hair in
order to stimulate the growth.
Being a Wally is a doddle - a piece of cake . Right?
Wrong. It's time this idea was knocked firmly on the head. Being
a Wally is not just a question of swanning around in an acrylic
sweater, wearing Brut, or taking the occassional joy-ride in a
supermarket trolley. It is all these things, but it is also a
great deal more. It can mean standing outside Granada or Vision
Hire showrooms in the pouring rain and watching a six year old
episode of "East Enders". Or boldly forsaking the safety of a
car in Safari parks in order to offer prawn cocktail flavoured
crisps to the Lions. Or braving carbon monoxide poisoning by
picnicking within inches of passing juggernauts. Or riding three
at a time on coin-operated rocking horses in C & A's. Often it
involves risking life and limb. In some cases your own!
Above all, being a Wally is a state of mind. It's writing
glowing testimonials in the visitors' book of a Little Chef - and
meaning every word of it. It's not being able to work out the
right-of-way system at mini-roundabouts. It's preferring
Coffeemate to milk. It's being genuinely unable to tell Stork
from Butter, and being proud of it.
Today's highly-skilled all-round Wally makes all this seem
deceptively simple. How many times have you watched Wallies
holding arm-wrestling matches in Inter-City buffet cars or
spraying each other with Fanta in suburban shopping precincts and
thought to yourself: I could do that! The trouble is, it may look
effortless but in actual fact being a Wally takes long hours of
practice, grit and determination, and a great deal of patience
and understanding on the part of your family and friends. Yes:
it's a long hard slog before you earn the right to wear the
coveted order of the Sick Parrot.
Take Wally home decor, for instance. As every Wally knows, a
lounge is a room containing a cosily glowing log-effect gas fire
with imitation brass fire tongs, and a bar strung with fairy
lights and decked out in sumptuous black crackle vinyl; it also
usually contains a glass-fronted bookcase containing classics of
world literature bound in handsome hand-tooled vellum and printed
on toilet paper, plus a mysterious green-glowing object
containing slowly drifting chunks of ectoplasm.
But how does a Wally know that this is the correct, indeed the
only, way to adorn his home? After all, there are very few
magazines to point him in the right direction - no Ideal Wally
with full-colour spreads of Wallies sprawled casually on orange
nylon hearth-rugs or leatherette settees watching Celebrity
Snooker; no helpful colour supplement articles listing Wally
accoutrements. So how does he do it?
The answer is simple: Flair. Whereas a novice such as yourself
might be tempted to introduce a touch of stripped pine or a
Hockney print and ruin the whole effect, the experienced Wally
never puts a foot wrong. Whether he's decorating his home or
arranging postcards, novelties or executive desk toys at his
place of work, the real Wally Gets It Right.
Of course, in the early stages you can't hope to match that kind
of prowess. But there are obvious bloomers that you can avoid
with the help of this little document (It's up to you! The World
is your Oyster!).
Embarrassing little slips of the tongue, like saying "I couldn't
agree more" instead of "This is it", or announcing that you're
"delighted", or "thrilled" when you should be "over the moon".
Social 'Faux-pas', like putting an empty crisp packet straight
into a litter bin instead of blowing it up and bursting it;
opening a can of lager and forgetting to give it a good shake
first so that you can direct a jet of froth over your fellow-
Wallies; throwing up in the bathroom at parties, unaware that the
correct place is the kitchen sink: they're little things; but
they can mark the difference between being a Complete Wally and
just A Bit Of A Wally - and let's face it, if you're only going
to be A Bit Of A Wally, you might as well save yourself the
trouble and not be a Wally at all.
It's tough to have to say this, but one thing this document will
help you understand is that not everybody out there can be a
Wally. Yes I Know! But one has to be brutally realistic about
this. Some people, such as High Court Judges (well perhaps one or
two!) and Buddhists, will never be Wallies in a million years
unless of course they were deprived of the right kind of stimulus
during their early childhood - the Yorkie bars, the chance to
browse through Mum's Barry Manilow albums, watch Good Morning
Television, or flip through Dad's week-by-week pictorial
encyclopedia of The World At War. Maybe when other kids were out
posting empty Kentucky Fried Chicken boxes through old ladies'
letterboxes they preferred to sit at home glued to the Open
University. Maybe their parents were never prepared to make the
sacrifices or give them the breaks. Who knows? Maybe they just
didn't have it in for them from the start.
That's bad news.
The good news is that in spite of all that, Wallies are
definitely on the increase. Look around you. You can probably
think of several 'occasional' Wallies and at least one dedicated
full-timer in your immediate circle of acquaintance. Time was
when there was one in every office. Now there's more likely to be
a whole gang of them, who come roaring back from the Local Boozer
after lunch and spend the entire afternoon pinching bottoms,
chucking darts at Playboy centrefolds and twanging rubber bands
at each other.
There are other pointers to this massive upsurge in the Wally
population. In the past it was not uncommon to see the odd pair
of Wallies gamely getting plastered on duty-free booze and
lurching drunkenly around the passengers lounges on board Cross-
Channel ferries. Nowadays they're coming out of the portholes. In
fact, so many Wallies seem willing to part with hard cash for a
far-sighted ferry operators have even laid on special day trips
for this very purpose.
Today Wallies can be found in all walks of life: In schools,
technical colleges, government departments - even universities.
Indeed, there's growing evidence that our institutions of higher
education are turning them out in ever-increasing numbers.
Oxford and Cambridge, to be fair, have been creating a goodly
proportion of the nation's Wallies over the past few centuries.
However, until recently their intake was limited to sons of
clergymen, Wallies with pots of money, blue-blooded Wallies
stunted by generations of in-breeding, or Wallies with some kind
of elitism is now a thing of sporting prowess. Happily, this kind
of elitism is now a thing of the past; taking their lead from
other more forward-looking universities, Oxford and Cambridge
have started opening their doors to Wallies from all strata of
There are also signs that after a slow start the Wally
phenomenon is beginning to catch on abroad. At the risk of
sounding a bit chauvinistic, this is largely due to the selfless
missionary zeal of hordes of invading British Wallies who, while
on holiday or attending international sports fixtures, have taken
the oppertunity to show the continentals how it's done - often
receiving for their pains harsh treatment from armies of
uniformed killjoys and jackbooted petty bureaucrats. Many British
Wallies have even had to suffer fines and imprisonment at the
hands of narrow-minded continental officialdom - usually for so-
called 'crimes' no more serious than the wrecking of football
stadiums, the wholesale looting of shops and the burning down of
Luckily this doesn't seem to have dampened their spirits. Quite
the reverse: It's made them all the more determined to go back
and have another bash next year.
OK! enough of all that stuff! and we'll get down to the nitty-
gritty of how some of you out there can turn yourselves into
Wallies OR can see just how much of a Wally you already are (and
this includes Females too!) so without further ado here we go...
A Few General Tips
1) In order not to blow your Wally creditability you must
remember that sports kit must be spotlessly laundered and
overalls must be covered with filthy and unmentionable
stains - NEVER the other way round.
2) Your score on the Space Invaders should either be
astronomically high (suggesting that you practise every
minute of the day) or pitifully low (suggesting that you
will never be any good at it no matter how much you
practise) - NEVER merely middling or respectable.
3) If you are unfortunate enough to possess a clean driving
licence, NEVER produce it in the company of your fellow-
4) ON NO ACCOUNT leave Penguin Classics on the rear window
ledge of your car (or as you should learn to call it,
"motor") alongside the nodding dogs and fluffy dice. This
could damage your Wally creditability so seriously that you
might never regain your friend's esteem - not even by
showing that you can remember the words of an entire Bucks
Fiz number and can perform the dance steps too.
Another way to blow you Wally creditability is to commit some
unwitting breach of Wally Etiquette. Wally Etiquette consists of
the following crucial points:
1) When travelling on the tube, you will entertain other
passengers by swinging from the straps like a monkey,
chasing other Wallies up and down the carriage, and
needlessly obstructing the doors with your foot.
2) When entering a building via swing doors, always go round at
least twice and before exiting, give them a hefty push so
that anyone still left inside gets their arms and legs
3) When travelling on a main-line train, it is essential to sit
in the luggage rack, scratch your initials on the mirrors,
and when leaving, open the door and spring out before the
train has stopped moving.
4) On noticing a television interview being conducted outside a
football ground or in a shopping centre, be sure either to
loiter inanely in the middle distance or to crowd around
with a group of other Wallies, pulling funny faces, shouting
"Hello, Mum" and giving thumbs-up signs to the camera.
5) In restaurants, always address the waiter as "John" and show
your appreciation of a really first-class Chicken Vindaloo
by swilling it down with at least three pints of Newcastle
Brown Ale and regurgitating the lot on the pavement outside.
6) Do not smoke between courses. Try and keep a fag on the go
throughout the meal.
7) When forced to tell a bare-faced lie, always preface it with
the words, "I'll be honest with you".
8) On finishing a packet of crisps in a pub, do not forget to
blow it up and burst it, showering people with the leftover
bits at the bottom of the bag and causing them to spill
9) After giving vent to a stream of four-letter words, always
ask your listeners to pardon your French.
There's no quicker or easier way to lose what little Wally
credibility you have in these crucial early stages than to let
slip the wrong word or phrase. How many would-be-Wally shop
assistants, for instance, have seen all their hopes dashed simply
because they greeted customers with the words "Can I help you?"
instead of the more correct, "What can I do you for?". To avoid
Batemanesque scenes, observe the following rules:
1) On colliding with a police patrol car while practising your
emergency stops in a busy suburban high street, express
surprise by saying "Strike a light". NOT "Good heavens".
2) On winning a huge cash prize in a Reader's digest Lucky
Numbers Prize Draw, you are "over the moon". You are NOT
3) On failing to be selected for the office table football
squad, or being given the elbow by your girl-friend and
having to go to all the trouble of peeling her name off your
windscreen, you are "sick as a parrot". You are NOT
"annoyed" or "browned off".
4) To express agreement with a proposition, don't nod or say
"absolutely". Say, "this is it". E.g: Wally A: "You win
some, you lose some". Wally B: "This is it".
5) Your saturday-morning shopping expeditions to Mothercare
with the wife are NOT "a bore". They are "a pain in the
6) The correct response to a joke or amusing remark is "Like
it, like it". NOT "How priceless".
7) A person who OD's on Ritz Crackers and Sun Pat Blue Cheese
Spread is NOT "a greedy pig", he's a "gannet".
8) Your two-week wreck-a-hotel-room-in-all-the-historic-cities-
of-Europe coach tour was NOT "wonderful" or "marvellous", it
9) Lastly, in the unlikely event of your finding yourself
suddenly thrust into the limelight and asked to make a
statement to the news media, do not miss an opportunity to
use the words, "at this moment in time", "hopefully",
"across the board", "meaningful dialogue", and to refer at
some point to money either "up front" or "on the table".
The following phrases should be banished from you repertoire:
"Within reasonable bounds"
"Off the beaten track"
"A select gathering"
Thinking like a Wally
To achieve Wally creditability you must learn to think like a
Wally - and that means first of all understanding the term nous.
Nous is what Wallies have instead of common sense. It's that
breezy savoir-faire that enables you to hop without any apparent
effort out of one fine mess and straight into another even finer
one. It means, for example, knowing short cuts through
labyrinthine housing estates that end up by being twice as long
as your original route. It also means having at your disposal a
vast range of sophisticated labour saving power-tool attachments
in a garage or shed at the bottom of the garden that either fall
to pieces or turn out to be lacking some vital component on the
one occasion you want to use them. Although nous embraces a
number of useful skills - knowing which foreign coins you can use
in vending machines or parking meters; how to wind back the clock
(speedo) on your motor; how to bypass gas and electricity meters
- it's also to do with who you know. It's knowing someone who
knows someone else who just might be able to lay his hands on a
visor-louivre for the rear window of your Capri - for a price.
Lack of nous can be a handicap for you as an aspiring Wally. In
your early shots at DIY, for example, you'll probably muddle
along as best you can, putting your foot through walls, burying
yourself under piles of plaster dust and masonry and generally
being a Bit Of A Wally.
If you had a bit more nous, though, you'd have contacts in the
trade - cowboys who'd wreak far greater chaos and charge you
large sums of money for their services. All you'd then have to do
is pay them and you'd be right up there among the Complete
Unfortunately for you, nous can't be taught in a book. It's
something you pick up gradually in the course of being a Wally
and mingling with other Wallies. It's made easier for you,
though, by the fact that they will volenteer, or try to foist,
their nous on you wether you're interested or not. When you
acquired it, you can then foist it on other people. You will be
able, for instance, to pull in at the roadside when you see a
motorist in difficulties, considerably worse off than before you
Bottle is another vital quality for any Wally. It can be defined
roughly as: Valour minus discretion.
Most Wally activities call for bottle, some more than others.
Ordering "Spling Lolls" in a Chinese Take-Away requires
relatively little. Late-night shopping at Key Markets or battling
your way up the down escalator during the rush hour require
rather more. Stirding into a paratroopers' mess and announcing
that you thought only fairies had wings requires a great deal.
Whatever activity you're engaged in, the important thing is not
to lose your bottle or 'bottle out' halfway through. For
instance, when a policeman stops you for speeding the wrong way
down a one-way street and asks, "Didn't you see the arrows?", you
should reply promptly, "Arrows, John? I didn't even see the
Indians." If you simply shrug your shoulders, grin vacantly and
mutter something about it being a fair cop, you'll lose valuable
Wally creditability points; in fact, you won't be a Wally at all,
you'll be a Prat.
* Nothing beats the great smell of Brut
* Love means never having to say you're sorry
* Every cloud has a sumptuous Wallytex lining
* If you can't stand the heat, get out of the Solarium
* The best things in life are 20p off
* If you can't beat them, try taking up Kung Fu
* Never mind the content, admire the hand-tooled binding
* You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear - but you can
use it to make a very attractive novelty luggage tag
Do not confuse being a Wally with being an ignoramus. An
ignoramus is empty-headed, wheras your head should be
sufficiently well-stocked with facts and figures to enable you at
least to answer questions on local radio phone-ins and to stand a
reasonable chance of winning the latest Wet Wet Wet single or a
"Home Alone II" T-shirt - and if possible to score respectability
on "The Pop Quiz" and "A Question of Sport" as well. Not by
actually taking part in the programmes of course, but by shouting
out the answers as you watch at home, or even better, as you
stand mesmerised in front of banks of television screens in
In addition to having an in-depth knowledge of the British
Singles Charts and The Guinness Book of Sporting Records, you
should also be able to repeat all television lager, Cinzano and
Campari commercials verbatim, and your data banks should contain
copious scraps of information such as the following:
1) Names of Derby winners since the turn of the century
2) Kevin Keegan's favourite breakfast cereal
3) The combined birthweight of the England 1982 World Cup Squad
4) Star signs of the famous
5) Barbara Windsor's bust measurement
6) The plots of "Every Which Way But Loose", "Dirty Harry",
"Freebie and The Bean", "Smokey and The Bandit", "Mad Max",
"Rollerball", "Death Race 2000", and "Friday the Thirteenth
Part seventeen in 4D"
7) The words to Viva Espania
8) Jocky Wilson's preffered brand of underarm deodorant
9) Fiona Richmond's telephone number
With the help of your data banks, you should also be able to
speak authoritatively on the following burning issues:
1) Was God an astronaut?
2) Are the Russians controlling our weather?
3) Prophesies of Nostradmus
4) Dolly Parton: the silicon implant question
The Wally Look
Wally credibility means dressing like a Wally too.
Many people have fondly imagined that all you have to do to
achieve the Wally look is to bung on a mouldering T-shirt or
acrylic pully in the morning, drag a razor over the bum fluff
(slicing the top off a few spots in the process), splash on half
a gallon of Brut and thus go around looking - and in the case of
the Hell's Wally, smelling - pretty much like the proverbial
Of course this is a myth.
The following notes on Wally attire should help you.
When it comes to underpants, the true Wally dresses according to
a simple maxim: "If you want to raise a laugh, drop your
trousers." In certain circumstances, the mere act of appearing in
public dressed only in your Skids is enough to establish that
you're a Wally. But to ram the message home, make sure that your
Kecks are made of nylon and are inscribed with one or more of
* Sex Appeal - Please give generously
* I don't know what ideas you've got, lady, but these are
* Greetings from Loch Ness
* Save Wales - Send all money to MUG UK ?
* Home of the Jolly Pink Giant
* Prodwell Hydraulic Research Establishment
* Pinky and Perky
* Do Not crush
Also acceptable are: American-style boxer shorts, string
underpants, bikini briefs, sequinned jockstraps, posing pouches,
and any underpants decorated with polka dots, Union Jacks or
String vests are quintessentially Wally, and so are T-shirts
worn as vests. But in both cases they should be clearly visible;
either undo the top buttons of your shirt or wear a shirt made
out of man-made fibre that lets the vest or T-shirt show through.
This is only Wally if worn during a heatwave.
Flared trousers, golfing slacks, Stay-Prest strides or denim
jeans with buttons instead of a zip are Wally. All should be worn
slightly short in order to display your jazzy socks to full
Shirts and Ties
Matching shirts and ties, Engelbert Humperdinck frilly dress
shirts, polyester shirts dotted with racing cars, horses or other
emblems are all acceptable items of Wally wear. Stripey shirts
with white collars are deriguer for the executive Wally (but NOTE
the collar should not be detachable). Leisure shirts for disco
wear should have giant collars that streatch right across the
T-Shirts, Sweatshirts, etc. etc.
T-shirts form a vital part of the Wally wardrobe, but a T-shirt
with the wrong design or message on it is a glaring gaffe that
can spell social disaster. Unless you're going to proclaim your
membership of CAMRA or your loyalty to certain approved rock
bands, stick to sanctioned legends such as the following:
* Oh Lord, help me to keep my big mouth shut until I know what
I am talking about
* Too much Sex makes you late for work
* I'm with this stupid TWAT! =>
* Sod Off!
* Save Wales send all your money to MUG UK ?
* I am a Virgin (but this is a very old T-shirt)
* Ormskirk College of Food Technology Rag Week
Gurnsies and hand-knitted originals are definitely out! You
might risk a navy-blue lambswool V-neck with greyhound motif and
get away with it in a poor light, but the only way to be really
safe is to stick to those Wally classics, the diamond-patterned
acrylic eyeball-searer or the heavy knit white and brown cardigan
or Wally Warmer.
Shoes are the Cinderella of the Wally's wardrobe.
Hush Puppies, C & A Trainers, possibly a heavyweight two-tone
pair with multicoloured laces for best - it's not wise to sport
anything too fancy when a major part of your daily routine
consists of kicking Coke cans around shopping precincts, shinning
up lamposts and leaping flights of stairs in multi-storey car
Suits tend to be worn only by executive or business Wallies, or
by Wallies attending weddings, funerals or making the odd court
appearances following night-club brawls. Should be a three-piece
number in black, dark blue or beige enabling the wearer to pass
as Vito Coleone's right-hand man.
No CND or SDP lapel badges, please. Heavy gold signet rings,
plastic key-rings in the form of biscuits, gold 'ingot' pendants
with the hallmark on the front, identity bracelets, St
Christopher medallions, tie clips, arm bracelets, mirror shades,
imitation crocodile-skin belts with large buckles in the form of
the wearer's initials, belts with purses attached or huge bunches
of keys dangling from them: all are acceptable. Many people
apparently fail to see the point of wearing an identity bracelet.
In fact it has a simple practical purpose. It's for those grim
mornings when you wake up with a splitting headache and can't
remember who the hell you are.
Recognising your Fellow-Wally
Wally credibility means being able to spot another Wally a mile
off. The difficulty here is that everybody has their own idea of
what a Wally is. You no doubt have yours. The person who cornered
you in a train compartment and talked about custom cars all the
way from Euston to Inverness was a Wally. The joker in your
office who stuck the receiver to your phone with Superglue was a
Wally. The bloke down the road who claims to know this bloke who
knows this other bloke whose brother's in the S.A.S. is a Wally.
The point is: You think you know. Everybody thinks they know.
In actual fact, spotting a Wally isn't that simple any more.
Not all Wallies go around with woolly bobble hats pulled down
over their eyes. There are plainclothes or 'closet' Wallies too:
Outwardly respectable people doing outwardly respectable jobs
who've probably never worn a Lombard RAC Rally or Avon Tyres
anorak in their life; people you'd never suspect of being Wallies
- until one day they strip down to their Union Jack underpants
and insist on showing you their tattoos.
Then there are the soft-spoken retiring types who wouldn't so
much as fart in a telephone box - until they astonish you at the
annual company dinner by leaping to their feet, seizing the
nearest microphone, rattling off a stream of side-splitting
mother-in-law jokes or celebrity impressions, performing tricks
with their toupee and rounding off the act by setting fire to
their chest hair with a cigarette lighter.
Even more disconcerting are the people who look like Wallies or
are doing jobs traditionally performed by Wallies - sticking
labels on tins of Cook-In Sauce at Tescos or selling electrical
goods at Comet - who turn out not to be Wallies at all; instead
they're History of Art students from Oxford working in their vac,
Shirley Conran's offspring slumming it, or journalists gathering
data for articles in New Society.
So how on earth do you tell? There's no easy answer to this one,
but you may find this quick guide of some use...
Not Normally Wallies Frequently Wallies
Eastern Mystics * Post Office clerks
Brain surgeons Wimbledon line-judges
International tax lawyers Accordianists
Concert pianists ** Hi-fi buffs
Chess Grand Masters Tolkien fans
Mastermind champions *** Traffic wardens
International hit men Radio 1 disc jockeys
Marriage Guidance Former Metropolitain
Counsellors Police Commissioners
Forensic scientists Train spotters
Financial Times leader writers Griddle chefs
Polyglots Darts commentators
Sanskrit scholars Morris dancers
Rank Xerox reps
Members of the United
Nations Security Council
Always Complete and Utter Wallies
Swimming-pool attendants Wurzels
Motorcycle stunt riders Welly-chuckers
Demolition derby drivers Stumblbums
Handbell ringing teams Bicycle jousters
Square-dancing enthusiasts Bollard leapers
Jehovah's Witnesses Bellyfloppers
Headline-writers for the Sun The Miss World jury
Game-show hosts Flat Earthers
Local radio disc jockeys Canary fanciers
Druids Champion pickled egg eaters
Bikers (straights that is) Fork-benders
Nude hang-gliders All-in wrestlers
Pole-squatters Male models
Roadies Members of the Official
Yodellers Raving Monster Loony Party
Gurners Loblolly men
Gnomologists Blow Football enthusiasts
Members of the Sealed Knot Photo-booth nobblers
Scientologists / Mormons Bottom pinchers
Superannuated hippies Ballon dancers
Monocyclists Ticket touts
'It's A Knock-Out' teams Beermat collectors
Berkshire Tuttimen Professional Students ****
'Blue Peter' Presenters Hangers-on in the Royal
Ex Tory Prime Ministers Family
COBOL Programmers (P.S. don't forget the fullstops)
* Eastern mystics. It is possible to be an Eastern Mystic and
a Wally if you wear a nylon quilted anorak over your robes
and distribute leaflets in the City of London's Oxford
Street or any major city for that matter.
** Concert pianists. Can be Wallies if they wear red tuxedos,
look pretty, stick to the slow and easy stuff and sign
lucrative recording contracts with K-Tel.
*** Obviously, you can be a Mastermind Champion and a Wally if
you go on to join the regulars on the BBC Start The Week
**** These are Pseudo intellectuals, who because they think that
the world owes them a living, enrol for courses even if they
should pass them, have never had any intention whatsoever of
using the qualifications to get a job.
Well I hope that you will find this of some help in your
aspirations to become a Wally (and if not, at least see the funny
side of those who do).
Slasher of 'SPECIAL FX', 11/05/93
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