THE 9 TYPES OF BOYFRIEND
"After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-
boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus
"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home
and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
"I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
"Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket,
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts
"After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels,
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova,
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
"Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
"While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed
weasels in my new yacht, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
THE 9 TYPES OF GIRLFRIEND
Ms. Nice Guy
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, One of the boys, My Main
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
"You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a
bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable?"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady,
Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
"Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and
Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home,
and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control
"I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn.
I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena,
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly
Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars
"I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome
genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection,
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
A LETTER FROM DOUGLAS ADAMS
Remember ST NEWS Volume 9 Issue 1, released on the 42nd birthday
of Douglas Adams, in March? Remember that "Occurrences of the
number 42 in *Real* Life, The Universe and Everything" article I
did? Well, back then I also send a copy of the article to Douglas
Adams via his two known email addresses as well as his postal
addres (procured through Anita "Magnetic Scrolls" Sinclair quite
a few years before). I had never expected a reply, really, so
imagine my surprise when, on January 28th of this year, I
suddenly got a letter from his PA (Personal Assistant, I assume),
one Jane Thrift. It was totally unexpected but quite exciting
nonetheless. Together with the actual letter was a card with the
man's name and signature. That was really nice, too, although I
wonder where he got the idea that I might like such a signature
Dear Mr. Adams,
Accompanied please find enclosed an article as well as a
birthday card. Congratulations manifold, and may you turn to be
42 in many lives hereafter! I hope you have a great day, and that
not too many people will point out to you the precise
significance of your age and that sort of thing.
On the occasion of your birthday I have dedicated an issue of my
multi-media computer magazine, ST NEWS, to you. I am sorry that I
haven't enclosed the disk but A) It will be released on March
11th and isn't done yet, and B) I know you are somewhat of an
Apple afficionado but ST NEWS is a disk-based magazine that works
only on Atari ST/TT/Falcon computers.
On behalf of this dedication, however, I have spent about 18
months doing research for one of the articles contained in that
issue of ST NEWS. It's the article which you'll find enclosed
with this letter. I think its significance will strike you
immediately. I hope you will sit down one day and read through
it, with an occasional smile drifting onto your face.
Yes, I am a fan. But I am not as obsessed a fan as many will
probably have proven themselves to be, despite the appearance of
enclosed article. I just kept my ears and eyes open without
spending too much attention to the whole thing, as did a few of
my good friends. In the end I did some specific research in order
to get the whole thing to be 42 Kb in size.
Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. I hope you and your family
have a splendid day. If you would feel inclined to do me a favour
for whatever reason, I would greatly appreciate the permission to
ask you a few sortof interview questions that won't take up more
than about 15 minutes of your time.
Thanks for the fun you've given me and a lot of my friends. I
really hope your next book will be available soon,
Yours full of congratulations,
20th January 1995
Thank you for your appreciative letter of March 7th 1994 which
Douglas only read this morning. He has asked me to write and
apologise for the delay in responding and hopes that you haven't
given up hope of ever hearing from him. Last year he became the
proud father of a beautiful baby girl and all associated doting
means that he's a bit behind with his mail which unfortunately is
rather obvious to you.
Douglas is also sorry that he could not personally reply to your
letter as he is now deeply involved in the latest Dirk Gently
novel. He hopes that you understand how important it is that he
finishes soon so that you have something new to read. He was
thrilled to hear that you remembered his birthday and grateful
that you took the time to send him a card. It is obvious that you
devoted an incredible amount of time and energy to your ST NEWS
article and as soon as Douglas finishes his novel I will show it
to him. Unfortunately it would prove too much of a distraction
before then and for similar reasons he is not available for
A writer's life can be a lonely and self doubting one and
therefore encouragement and praise such as you have offered is
PA to Douglas Adams
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.