"Even as a child I had to show you which bit of your mother was
serving the drinks."
Blackadder, in "Blackadder the Third", addressing Baldrick
HIDDEN ARTICLE NUMERO FOUR (THE FIFTYFIRST IN TOTAL)
- or -
- or -
CHEESES OF THE WORLD (UNITE?)
by Chris Holland
This article has been hidden because it's been used before in
the slightly amazing "DBA Magazine" issue 12. It's written by
Chris Holland, editor of "Maggie".
But first, I don't want to sound paranoid, however...
The last two or three times I have received something from
Holland, it has been opened by these chaps...
HM Customs and Excise
Kent CT16 1EH
The little explanatory note follows...
"We chose to have this letter/packet opened as part of our
selective checks for drugs or other prohibited goods which are
sometimes concealed in letter mail."
"This is the only reason it was opened and we assure you that
the privacy of correspondence is always respected."
"The law requires the Post Office to produce to us selected
postal packets and if necessary to open them for our examination.
Authority for this is contained in Regulations 11 and 12 of the
Postal Packets (Customs and Excise) Regulations 1986."
Which is fair enough, but this has happened three times
recently, once with an issue of ST NEWS (issue 9.3), and twice
with letters from DBA.. This must mean that British customs have
assessed DBA as being twice as likely to corrupt my morals than
Richard Karsmakers and ST NEWS!! (Ha! what morals?) Perhaps DBA
really stands for "Drugs By Airmail!?"
Now on to the main stuff...
('Borrowed' from the Inconceivable Sci-Fi Convention literature..)
There are many types of cheese available in the World. In fact,
the amount of different kinds is staggering. You just would not
believe the number of different types available. The majority are
produced synthetically by industry or on specialised farmsteads
but some occur naturally - these however, can usually be removed
with the application of a little warm water and some soap.
So here below is a quick look at just some of the cheeses you
could be sampling this weekend.
-Canadian Beaver Cheese-
Probably the most startling thing about this cheese is not its
taste or texture, but the fact that beavers can make cheese at
Goes particularly well, ironically enough, with beaver meat.
Made mostly in Holland, this cheese is manufactured not so much
for eating, as for finding. Its unique round shape allows it to
roll out of the carrier bag into the boot of your car as you
drive home from the supermarket. There it will stay, as its small
size and reflective wrapping make it almost impossible to find
for some time. Weeks will pass and you will start to notice an
unusual smell, only slight, and impossible to trace. You will
spend endless hours checking your feet for dog poo and wondering
"Where the bloody hell is that smell coming from?" After some
weeks you will find it lurking in the corner of your car boot. ON
NO ACCOUNT ATTEMPT TO SMELL IT as blindness will normally occur,
followed by violent retching.
If it fails to fall out of your bag in the car, fear not, it
will usually lose itself in the fridge.
Goes well with, er, nothing really. Except, probably air
-Goat's Spleen Cheese-
This is another cheese to avoid unless, of course, temporary
blindness is your bag. This was first made by the French as a
kind of revenge on the rest of the world for believing that they
actually ate snails, thereby forcing them to eat snails for
The concept of the cheese may sound sickening enough, but that
is nothing compared with how they make it. Suffice to say that
the goat rarely survives and if it does, it is usually completely
incapable of controlling it's bowels for some years.
Goes well with people you don't like.
-Mein Kampf Cheese-
This is one of the most expensive cheeses ever sold to a private
collector and what is more, it doesn't really exist.
Now this is a delicacy. Truly a king of cheeses, it is
delicately prepared by skilled Yorkshire craftsmen who have been
making it for nearly two hundred years. Its flavour is so
delicate and smooth as to literally melt on the tongue, and its
bouquet is a treat for the nostrils. It goes well with almost any
dish and is a delightful way to end, or indeed, start an evening.
However, due to its unfortunate name, no-one ever buys it. They
have warehouses of the stuff in Yorkshire... Which goes some way
to explaining the smell up there.
The only cheese in the world rated by its % per volume. Not that
it's alchoholic. That would only be putting it mildly. It comes
in two varieties, red or white, and tastes divine, whatever you
choose. The most highly prized of these cheese, however, is the
Chateaux Wogawoga Armpit. Its flavour is reminiscent of a very
fine wine, whilst its kick is similar that you would receive from
a female mule at the wrong time of the month.
Goes well with anything, but particularly more alchohol.
-EC Directive Cheese-
This cheese resembles Swiss cheese in as much as it is very full
of holes. After that, I'm afraid the cheese goes downhill. It has
perhaps the most unappetising odour I have ever come across, and
a texture resembling that of brick.
Its basic ingredients were strictly controlled by the European
Parliament ensuring that only the finest ingredients from every
EC nation were used. So considering it has so many parents, it is
not surprising to discover that this is one bastard of a cheese.
It is usually forced on you at government functions and leaves a
horrible taste in your mouth which, I'm afraid, you're stuck
Goes well with absolutely nothing.
(Laboriously copied out by CIH - April '95!)
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.