"What does a dyslexic insomniac agnost do?
He wonders all night whether there's a Dog."
THE UNCENSORED, RE-EDITED, REVISED AND BLATANTLY ABRIDGED 1993
*** ENCYCLOPAEDIA NORWEGICA ***
- or -
ENCYCLOPAEDIA NORWEGICA REVISITAS
by Richard Karsmakers
(with original additions by Stefan Posthuma and Gard)
This final issue of ST NEWS tries to feature a slice of the
history of the magazine, and has for that purpose dug up some of
the old reference bits from older issues to feature the ultimate
reference section. This second version of the original
"Encyclopaedia Norwegica" (which was featured after the Norway
Quest, in ST NEWS Volume 5 Issue 1), was prepared to show a Dutch
angle at the visit of Kai Holst and Leif Claus to my place. It
was released first in Volume 8 Issue 1, and is used here for the
second and final time.
Nutties have come and Nutties have gone. Ever since Original
Nutty Ronny Hatlemark (a.k.a. Ynnor the Divine One) first
contacted us and instigated the general principles of Nuttiness
and Crazy Letters, the world has kept turning. Water passed under
bridges, stars supernova'd, suns imploded. We gained new friends
and lost some.
To capture the entire concept of Nutty Norwegians, it has been
decided to re-feature and ruthlessly revise the "Encyclopaedia
Norwegica" that originally appeared in ST NEWS Volume 5 Issue 1
(early 1990) - where it was featured to enhance the general Sane
People's Understanding of the real-time articles associated with
the ST NEWS "Norway Quest".
This time they visited us. Enough reason to do some
revi(sit)ing, which resulted in 123 items to be encyclopaedisized
Legend: "»" indicates a cross-reference.
12 YEARS: The critical age beyond which »females are no longer
considered attractive by some particular »Norwegians. Also, this
seems to be the age at which young Norwegians reckon it's a good
idea to spend all evening tonguekissing whilst dancing to music
played by Disc Jockey »Claus, Leif Einar.
2 CM: Generally, this is the depth of a »Norwegian's brain,
measured from the outside of the skull bone on. The rest of the
huge head is filled by a very common substance popularly known as
spaghetti. As we all know, only a slight percentage of this
nourishing material is actually used - the rest is taken up by
24 HOURS: Maximum time allowed for any demo to be hacked if one
is to earn the honoured title of »Hackbear, Lord. So far this
title has been earned only once, by »Ose, Torbjørn.
48 HOURS: Movie starring Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy, filmed for
the sole purpose of extending your vocabulary of four-lettered
words and the like. Twice the time needed to hack any demo if one
is to earn the title »HackBear, Lord.
ABRAHAMSEN, GARD EGGESBØ: Specimen of »Norwegians with A: A very
funny name, B: A strange habit of writing bootsector viruses, now
seemingly defunct, C: A specific allergy against furry animals
and alcoholic liquors, D: An insanely witty look ever present on
his face, E: A very specific taste in outward appearance, clothes
and music, and E: Perhaps not rather so minute proportions. Also
known as Drag The Insanely Witty One, The Foldable One, Oh Gard,
The One Responsible For Previous Issue's Corner Of Lament, The
Loneliest Of Norwegians, Zealot of O.U.C.H., Main Editor of
Scriba Communis Responsum, The One Who Got Clobbered Over The
Head With A Baseball Bat, Wearer Of Black Metal T-Shirts, The One
Perpetually In Love With A Multitude Of Women, Creator Of The 845
Kb Ultimate Crazy Letter, The Oldest Norwegian Virgin, The
Infinitely Insultable One, The One (And Only) Hater of Plantiac,
The One With The Silly Excuse For A Moustache, Thinnest Of
Northerners, Dweller Of Eggesbønes, Director Of "OUCH Home Vid"
Parts One To Three, Heavy Metal Worshipper, The Topless One and
The Minute Microbe.
ABRAHAMSEN, JARDAR EGGESBØ: Brother of »Abrahamsen, Jardar
Eggesbø, who is possibly just as zany but probably a lot more
successful with »females.
ADAMS, DOUGLAS: Author of the extremely absurd five-part trilogy
called 'The Hitchhickers Guide to the Galaxy. Since »Norwegians
regard these books as 'very funny', Non-Norwegians should take
extra care reading them.
ADVERTISEMENTS: Something for which »Norway is claimed to be
famous all over the world for. However, doubt may be cast on this
claim as it was made by He Who Is Probably The Most Chauvinist
Norwegian To Roam The Earths, »Claus, Leif Einar.
ALIDA: 1: Norwegian for a place near »Ørsta where one empties
one's garbage cans (seriously). 2: In Dutch, the name of a barely
remembered girl that vaguely makes the words "cuddly" and "nice"
enter your mind but that rather less vaguely calls to mind words
along the lines of "bitch", "tart" and "not-quite-so-lovely".
Creatress of the Divine Dessert, nonetheless, which is probably
the only reason for her to go down the annals of world history.
ANDRESEN, IVAR F.: Operasinger after which the famous »IFA
pastilles are called. He seems to have suffered from a »sore
ANNE-GRETE: Species of »female »Norwegian, about which can
safely be assumed that she is a typical former inhabitant of
»Barstadvika. Incidentally, she's also the girlfriend of
»Hatlemark, Ronny and mother of »Jeanette.
APPLEDOOR, CHRISTINA: Fictitious character occurring in ST NEWS'
"Oh Yeah II" (Volume 7 Issue 2), based on a certain Tiny
Moustache'd Norwegian's love life.
BARSTADVIKA: Town in »Norway where the females are said both to
be lovely as well as laugh-easy. When they laugh, everybody
starts laughing. Actually, Barstadvika's town motto is "SMILO ET
SMILEN OT" (which is latin for "To laugh or be laughed at").
BEL CANTO: On the contrary to many »Norwegians' prior tendency
to think »Dance with a Stranger is the best Norwegian band, Bel
Canto actually is. Also known outside »Norway, especially in
France and Germany. But we're working on it.
BRENNSNUT: Norwegian meal consisting of all kinds of leftovers
and other good stuff, causing severe disruption of the metabolic
system in a way almost surpassing »Lada icecream. When translated
into post-modern English, is means 'Running Nose'.
BRUNDTLAND, GRO HARLEM: The human ex-and current prime minister
of »Norway, born on 20-4-1939. Some »Norwegians do not seem to be
all too fond of her. Then again, some seem to be anyway. In
earlier days, she was thought to be a man, but this has been set
straight. Also see »Brundtland's Wrath.
BRUNDTLAND'S WRATH: The curse invoked upon mortal editors and
master correspondents after having said that Mrs. Gro Harlem
Brundtland actually was supposed to be a male. This wrath
displays itself by miscellaneous apparitions of a certain vaguely
female (and, indeed, vaguely prime-ministerial) shape.
BRUNOST: A Norwegian kind of brown cheese, of which the foul
taste implies that its full name was actually 'Brundtlandost' and
that it actually comes from between the toes of »Brundtland, Gro
Harlem. Everybody aiding the sale, production and/or distribution
of Brunost should be sent to Siberia wearing G-strings only.
BUBBLE BOBBLE: A nice little game published by Firebird around
1987 that is just as cute as a certain girl (with the same name
as a garbage disposal place near Ørsta) used to be. When playing
this game not quite to their satisfaction, any given member of
the »female part of the »Norwegians will press F10.
BUDDHIST MONK: Someone (or something?) that succeeds in being
just as sober as »Ose, Torbjørn, on New Year's Eve, even when on
the brink of a new decennium.
CAMPER: Vehicle in which »Norwegians tend to drive around with
loads of dogs (preferably »Papillons). During the holidays, when
the dogs are kept quiet with rabbits called Tina and cats called
Knis, innocent tourists are stored in it - preferably in
CAR DATING: A process by which any given car parks on any given
location in any given Norwegian town, waiting for any given other
car to park next to it. After this meeting stage, the windows are
wound down and the people inside those given cars start chatting
merrily. This often results in small traffic queues, especially
on Saturday evenings. Perfect locations for this are parking lots
(e.g. that of the »Esso station), but it also happens in the
middle of a street ofttimes.
CAT: 1: In the old days also called CT: Crazy (Audio) Tape. A
long piece of cellophane containing magnetic particles arranged
in such an order that playing it back using a cassette deck
causes utter abhorrence and reverse movements of anyone's gullet.
Typical example of distaste and oral rape. They should make a law
against it. In the long history of CAT production, they are known
to have been sent to »Norwegians as well as Extravagent English
and members of the Dutch Spirits of Doom (in this last case they
have been filled with the sound of 354 farts). 2: Creature with a
furry coat and four legs (specimens on Gordon Shumway's planet
have a tendency to have less, though) that »Norwegians like to
dress up in shirts and shorts, and that »Papillons like to ride
horseback on. In »Norway, these creatures are more often than not
CF: 1: Crazy Footnote. Small, post-modern version of the »Crazy
Letter (or CL). Especially »Holst, Kai tends to write these. The
thin line between "CF" and "CL" is believed to be at 128,000
bytes. 2: Abbreviation of 'Completely Forgotten', an all-too-
common excuse nowadays.
CHILI PEPPER: 1: Dried and grinded version of a small vegetable
that is used in the more exotic countries of this Earth to spice
the food. 2: When discovered by an ST NEWS editor in a Norwegian
kitchen cupboard while making »Spaghetti, efficiently used by the
aforementioned editor to make Norwegian eyes water. 3: Very
powerful drug used to enhance the conciousness of the more
wealthy inhabitant of the planet Googolgulpex. It causes powerful
halluciations that cause the subject to believe he is actually a
CHOCOLATE: A delicacy Norwegians tend not to put on their bread,
in spite of the fact that is reckoned normal by the Dutch. As a
matter of fact, most countries other than the Netherlands
consider this strange. None of them ever complained about the
taste, though, so it's a miracle no non-Dutch manufacturers have
discovered this hole in the market!
CL: Crazy Letter. A piece of wood transformed into some or other
white stuff that is mostly rectangular, thin, and allows to be
written on. Indirectly, this is in fact proof that »Norwegians
are not illiterate - in spite of what is thought in all countries
except Norway itself. Magnetic sequences on a disc-shaped carrier
of ferric oxide, put there using a computer system and a text
editor or word processor, are also referred to as 'Crazy
Letters'. The latter specimen is a way of saving money, really: A
60 Kb crazy letter would cost you over 20 pages DIN A4 (and lotsa
stamps sending them) rather than one disk (and just a bit of
money spent on stamps). The current Crazy Letter record length is
846,830 bytes, and was written mainly by »Abrahamsen, Gard
Eggesbø, during 1990. Also see »Crazy Footnote (or CF).
CLAUS, LEIF EINAR: Norwegian from »Vadsø who has strange
opinions about the age beyond which girls are no longer
considered in their prime. Whereas regular mortals, and even most
other »Norwegians, might regard this age to be around 35, this
particular species of Norwegian would rather have them at »12
CLAUS, SANTA: A member of the Claus family who might not be
directly related to »Claus, Leif Einar, but who does share the
approximate location of dwelling and a peculiar affection for
CVT: Crazy Video Tape. An equivalent of the above that contains
audiovisual information rather than only audio. Its sole purpose
is to shock people, and they should therefore make a law against
this as well.
COMPUTER: Something surely not designed by »Norwegians, but
often utilized by them to create »CLs, »Scriba Communis Responsum
and demo hacks. Talking about 'good technology falling in the
DANCE WITH A STRANGER: What some people claim undoubtedly to be
the best Norwegian band (well, that's what the »Norwegians claim,
anyway). As of late, it seems that »Bel Canto is chopping off
part of their market.
DATING, CAR: See »Car dating.
DEAD: See »death.
DEATH: 1: State of being more easy to attain than »sanity, at
least for Norwegians. 2: An American band that makes,
surprisingly, death metal. Most popular song is "Pull the Plug",
cried along by all present at heavy metal parties.
DECADE, RIPPER OF THE: See »Ripper of the Decade.
DELTA FORCE: An originally German demo/hacking group originated
in 1986 or 1987, which has in the mean time become just about the
biggest living freak show in the world of computing. It includes,
among many others, »Øygard, Karl Anders, and »Ose, Torbjørn.
Previously known as TDF, The Delta Force. Editors of the infamous
disk magazine "Maggie".
DF: Acronym for »Delta Force.
DIVINE FLUID: See »Plantiac or »Fluid, Divine.
ESSO: Also called Exxon (not to be confused with Exxos). Big
international company that A: Likes making drunken captains crash
mega-tankers into the beautiful Alaska coast, B: Makes a habit of
building places where »Norwegians like to get brainmurderingly
drunk and fire tons of fireworks on New Years Day, and C: Likes
EXCESSIVE QUANTITIES: The number of A: Dutch tourists stored in
a Kennel Zitka »camper, which is only surpassed by the number of
dog's hairs that they find between their teeth each morning, B:
»Papillons that are able to balance on the back of »cats called
Knis, C: Farts produced by an ST NEWS editor after eating
»Brennsnut, D: Wounds inflicted on the body of an ST NEWS ex-
editor after falling on the last patch of »ice down »Skåla, and
E: Norwegians presents at one time in a room that is estimated to
be no larger than four by four metres.
FEET: Singular 'foot'. Something which one should never wilfully
connect with those of »Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø, if one is to
avoid the continuous affections of this particular »Norwegian.
FEMALE: The gender of about 50% of all »Norwegians, and probably
the most sexually active population of humans this side of the
known universe (inferior only to the female members of the
Admirers of the Big Arcade Joystick (With Microswitches)). Mainly
prey upon helpless foreigners wielding a booklet called
"Norwegian for Travellers" who thinks (and exclaims) that they
look approximately four years older than they actually are. They
are known to fervently dislike long-haird, »moustache'd members
of the opposite sex.
FJORD: 1: Something designed by »Slartibartfast, and containing
green »water. 2: In ancient Aztec cultures, this literally means
'utterly and minutely insignificant piece of woven cloth made of
the purest and softest texas cotton in which us mortals can
neatly blow clean our nasal cavities'. In post-modern English,
this can be translated to 'hanky', about which Madonna once sang
FLUID, DIVINE: See »Divine Fluid.
GLOSSARY: Something that, when written by any of the members of
the editorial staff of ST NEWS, should not be taken too
seriously. Keeping this in mind, »Norwegians will probably take
it very seriously.
GUKKULUKK: (Extract from the "Encyclopaedias of Magic", Volume
I) Magical dance. Performer dances round its subject whilst
clapping and doing silly things, looking intensively at the
subject and generally having fun. The effect is that the subject
will find itself starting to feel very funny about the performer
in a very funny way. If the subject is under the »Haaa spell, it
will tip over and not remember anything about what happened
between the Gukkulukk and the next time it gets to breathe fresh
air. The fresh air will be used for recovery. If this recovery is
interrupted by further attention from the performer of the
Gukkulukk, a crush is bound the strike the subject. (Rough
translation into 'real world' lingo) The movements made by a
female during which she may or may not risk an occasional glance
at a certain »Norwegian who will immediately think his growing of
a »moustache has paid off. Fainting may be induced. Usually it's
the prelude to a story with a not particularly happy ending.
HAAA SPELL: (Excerpt from the "Encyclopaedias of Magic", volume
I). Spell that will awaken the subject's optimism as well as
making it aware of the existence of the spell caster. Often used
together with the »Gukkulukk. (Rough translation into 'real
world' lingo) Nothing in particular, except that this particular
bit of nothing in particular serves to trigger hormone production
and totally insane behaviour.
HACKBEAR, LORD: Alternatively, though less generally, known as
"Ripper of the Decade": Highest titles to be earned in the
hackin' scene, first introduced and awarded in the dusk of the
eighties by the ST NEWS editorial staff to »Ose, Torbjørn.
HATLEMARK, RONNY: Strange but true: The ex-Norwegian distributor
of ST NEWS. If there will ever be a scale on which to grade
insanity, he will be '10 on the scale of Ronny'. Momentarily
resides in Ørsta with »Anne-Grete and daughter »Jeanette. Should
he ever write a book, his CV will mention him having worked in a
furniture factory and a PC shop.
HOLE: Something that is in the sky - but you should never ask
Yngwie why, for he doesn't know.
HOLST, KAI: Highly active member of the new levy of Nutty
Norwegians. He is both talented writer of GfA Basic as well as
English. Current place of dwelling is »Øvre Årdal, but he tends
to move about a lot.
smaller the Norwegians, the bigger the words they can learn by
heart. This is an example of a little Norwegian (»Abrahamsen,
Gard Eggesbø) and a big word (the above). It is also the password
to a 'hidden screen' in TCB's "Cuddly Demos", as well as that of
a Zealot demo.
HUSTADNES, FRØYSTEIN: A specimen of »Norwegians, last believed
to be dwelling in Austefjorden, a place that appeared to have no
nightlife other than Frøystein sitting behind his computer,
typing »CLs. Sometimes also referred to as "the F-Word",
"Frøykid" and "Frøyboy". Likes playing with toys - specifically
gayly coloured plastic toy trucks and "He-man" puppets. When he
starts crying...well...everybody starts crying. Nothing is known
is this illustre being after early January 1990. He is believed
to have become »Sane.
ICE: See »Water, stiff.
IFA: A kind of liquorice-like small tablets which exist in the
'white' (salty) and 'black' (non-salty) variety. They taste damn
good, and are rumoured to be good for your throat (if we should
believe the guy after which they're called - an opera singer
called »Andresen, Ivar F.).
JADE GAMES: Fictitious (or perhaps not) Norwegian software house
that is supposed to be the first step of certain »Norwegians'
road to global fame.
JAMO: Brand of loudspeaker that all »Norwegians seem to own. Be
they dynamic, they cannot match Magnat or JBL speakers in fine
quality (sleep out, pals!). Not necessary to say, the ST NEWS
editorial staff owns Magnat and JBL equipped audio devices.
JEANETTE: Particularly cuddly young »female »Norwegian who is
still about 11 years off a certain Norwegian's critical age. Born
on June 13th 1992, which happened to be the exact 7th birthday of
the Amazing Cracking Conspiracy.
JULEBUKK: Strange habit brought into practise by certain
»Norwegians. It mainly consists of giving away solid wooden
shoes, flirting and generally acting nutty and brainmurderingly
drunk. Often, the occurance of this event is put on video by an
KOSS, J.H.: Norwegian skating dude who just so happens to have
been beaten to the European Skating Championship in Heerenveen
(the Netherlands) by Dutch skater Falco Zandstra on January 24th
1993. Eat dirt, dude!
LADA: 1: The cheapest kind of hydro carbonate motioned confused
aggregate of translongitudidumali revectoring ferroglacial
structure enveloping furniturecollectorexciting items available
in Norway and made in Russia. This aggregate has a peculiar
effect on its owner annex driver - which soon becomes obvious
when looking at the incredibly low indication of its speedometer.
2: A popular icecream brand on Multifizzic Omega, which causes
severe disruption of the metabolic system. Also used as insect
LEFSE: Piece of food that looks like a rectangular pancake
transformed into a piece of cloth with which people sometimes
tend to clean their kitchen sinks. Tastes neutrally, and is used
to put other food on, after which is should theoretically folded
around it (or not, Elin?). Since Lefse is incredibly weak, this
is practically impossible.
LHB: Acronym for »Hackbear, Lord.
MALE: The gender of about 50% of the »Norwegians, that might be
sexually quite inactive (rumours even claim 'inadequate') but
that largely compensates this by writing long »CLs, taping long
»CATs and (though sparsely) »CVTs, and generally translating
every small program (including the whole desktop) from English
MELSHORNET: A mountain about 800 metres high, and also the
highest point ever reached by an ST NEWS editor in the Northern
MENTAL INSTITUTION: Place where people end up after having seen
the "Union Demo". Mostly inhabited by people stemming from a
country called »Norway, or people that have been, in some way or
another, been in contact with them.
MJOLLNIR: The name of the sledgehammer wielded by a strange
deity dude called »Thor. Often found next to a defect Coca Cola
MOLDE: A town not too far off »Ørsta, associated with »Ose,
Torbjørn. It is the place where he persues his academic carreer
and launched many an email means of correspondence from.
MONK, BUDDHIST: See »Buddhist Monk.
MONKEY: A kind of furry, quadruped mammal from which all humans
as well as »Norwegians must have derived, in some far away and
very obscure past. On the contrary to other folk, the »Norwegians
have succeeded in remaining very much the same as these
ancestors, sometimes still even still walking on all fours. This
is not half as terrible as what happened to the Librarian at
Unseen University in Ankh Morpork, though.
MØRDØROUS GNÆRHELM: Owner of a famous restaurant in »Ørsta, who
does not like stupid foreigners to think he's a Kentucky Fried
Spermwhale Dish on the menu card. He is quite broad, though he
hasn't been seen lately, after an encounter with Cronos Warchild.
MOUSTACHE: Something that some »Norwegians grow on their upper
lip in a desperate attempt to look older (or, so they usually
claim themselves, because they just like it). It's known to put
off »females, and provoke others to start clubbering the person
wearing the moustache.
MUCKY PUP: 1: Bunch of utterly deranged people thrashing some
instruments and thus producing some sounds that are liked by all
Norwegians, Nutties, or madmen in general - as well as the ST
NEWS editorial staff. Lyrics are littered with dirty words. 2:
Someone who really neglects everything he can possibly neglect -
including the cleaning of his room and himself, and the sending
back of disks and the like. 3: Something that everybody actually
is - some to more extent than others.
NEWLINE SOFTWARE: A true 16 bit software house in Norway (and
the only). They are thought to have released a game called
"Plexu" but they're now believed to be as broke as MPH.
NOK: Also called Norwegian Kroner or Norwegian Krones. Currency
of a land in Northern Europe called »Norway (inhabited by
»Norwegians). Its value is about 3.8 NOKs to the Dutch guilder.
NOROL: Highly original name of the biggest Norwegian Oil Company
(and probably the only one). They recently found out that a thick
black fluid springing forth from unsuspected depths in the earth
can be converted to a yellowish liquid that functions to animate
cars and other items containing a non-electric/non-nuclear
engine. They are now very happy.
NORRØNA: Place in »Ørsta where one can eat something that does
not taste like a »pizza, but is called so nonetheless. Usually,
this place if inhabited by elderly or senile »Norwegians. At
times, innocent foreigners are taken there and females from
»Barstadvika start laughing incontrollably.
NORWAY: A country in Skandinavia, inhabited by strange folk that
were even given credit for the unofficial discovery of the U.S.
of A. If you ask me, these people were totally, utterly and
extremely uncapable of doing so, and history probably mixed them
up with the Dutch (that were at the time also highly busy
defending themselves against Norwegian Viking invasions).
NORWEGIANS: People living in »Norway. There are about 4 million
of them. They have this weird tendency of reading disk magazines
and mimicing them in a rather strange language that no civilised
human beings (but only Norwegians) can read. Correspondingly, the
meant disk magazines cease to exist, after which English
replacements are erected (see »Scriba Communus Responsum).
Ø: An ASCII character that is quite often present in the name of
»Norwegians or the place where they live. This is very tiresome,
since it is not present on the keyboards of anyone else rather
than those of »Norwegians, and has to be clicked from the 'alien
code' department of "1st Word Plus".
OIOIOIOIOI: 1: In Norwegian, this means "Beat it, stupid
foreigner, and destroy that copy of 'Norwegian for Travellers'"!
2: In Italian this means: "Oh...how I love thee....but I forgot
my lyrics!" 3: In Spanish, this means: "My pants are too tight!"
4: In ancient Aztec, this means: "Would you please be so kind as
to take the lower part of your bottom extrements off my humble
lower parts of my bottom excrements?" 5: In English, this means:
"Oioioioioi!" 6: On Googlugulpex, this is considered to be a
severe insult, resulting in the offender being banished to a
planet called 'Terra'. This happened for the last time about
1,000,000 years ago, and resulted in apes suddenly acting
intelligent, having a soul, and (though at a somewhat later
stage) making war (and love) and »computers.
ORIENTER GALOPPEN: Something that some weird »Norwegians do for
fun, and which mainly consists of staying in tents for a long
while and running through a forest where someone obviously tried
to make you get lost. When showing slides of this event, each
given slide projector will promptly develop AUTO-DEFOCUS.
ØRSTA: Place in »Norway that MUST have a »Mental Institution,
due to the high number of known madmen dwelling there.
OSE: A large number of »Norwegians actually turn out to have
this for a surname. Concluding, it can be told that anyone called
Ose is A: A Great Guy or Great Gal, B: An Excellent Hacker (when
his name includes 'bear' as well) and, C: Extremely Fertile. Also
see »Ose, Morten, »Ose, Ole Jørgen and »Ose, Torbjørn.
OSE, MORTEN: Typical specimen of »Norwegians with a surname of
»Ose. Very nice person. Easily influenced into liking »Mucky Pup.
OSE, OLE JØRGEN: (Most of the time called Ole J. - 'Olu Jay!')
Typical specimen of »Ose. This particular one earned our utmost
respect by rocketing our egos skyhigh and always being in a good
mood, smiling widely.
OSE, TORBJØRN: Sometimes wrongly accused of being named Tobjørn
(or even TOBJØRN TOBJØRN TOBJØRN TOBJØRN TOBJØRN TOBJØRN!).
Another fine representative of what »Norwegians are like: Mad and
utterly crazy. Dwells in »Ørsta. He seems to have an awful lot of
cousins (see other Ose entries). In some of the last days of the
eighties, he earned an award called »HackBear, LordLord, by
hacking the »Thalion Sound Demo. He is known to have hacked all
demos without use of any additional hardware, many of which have
appeared on HackBear Demo Menu Disks. In 1991, he joined the
illustrious »Delta Force, together with his apprentice »Øygard,
Karl Anders. He is currently the Norwegian distributor of ST
NEWS, too, and programmer of the CPX module of the "Ultimate
OSLO: The state capital of »Norway. A place where »Norwegians
seem to gather themselves in rather large quantities - one fourth
of the total population so I've heard - and thus probably the
ideal place for a Nuclear and/or Chemical Warfare test site. By
now they should have disposed of all inner-city traffic by means
of the tunnels they were building in 1989/1990 which at the time
caused lots of inner-city traffic queues.
ØSTERUD, LARS-ERIK: Species of »Norwegians that A: Drives very
carefully, B: Drives very responsibly, C: Drives very slowly, D:
Laughs zanily, E: Likes hitting people's solar plexus and F: Uses
the term "obliterated in an eldritch way" rather a lot. Also
believed to be the only person in the Western World to posses a
sixth link virus, which has not yet been supplied to the virus
killer fraternity due to G: His total declination to respond to
O.U.C.H. HOME VID' III: The sequel to (indeed), similar videos
called "I" and "II". It's been in the making for at least 18
months and still nobody has seen anything of it yet, even though
repeated requests have been made known to its director and
producer to the extent of him sending it to other mortals.
ØVRE ÅRDAL: Small town on the Norwegian coast, well south of
ØYGARD, KARL ANDERS. Species of »Norwegians that saw the title
"Ripper of the Decade" whizz RIGHT past his nose. Nonetheless,
co-responsible for lots of hacking. Has in 1991 joined the
notorious »Delta Force.
PAPILLONS: Kind of very cute and cuddly, four legged, furry
animals that many people refer to as dog, but that should be
referred to as something 'beyond dog'. They are quite small yet
know how to make the air vibrate quite frantically. Cats and
rabbits hate their guts.
PCL: Or 'Perputuum Crazy Letter'. A typical example explains it
more than adequately:
Yeah! Are you deaf or something?
Why didn't you say that right away?
I did! <--------------------------------+
I DID!! |
Why didn't you say that right away?-----+
PIZZA: An Italian delicacy that, according to »Norwegians,
tastes better in »Norway than it does anywhere else in the world.
When served in »Norrøna, however, it totally fails to convince
anyone from it being a pizza at all. Typical Norwegian statements
such as the above, when uttered outside their native country,
succeed in aggravating the host considerably.
PLANTIAC: A brown fluid that, when sliding down a person's
gullet, instantly warms the entire abdomen and creates a feeling
of generally being happy and relaxing. However, it contains 35%
of a certain chemical compound of which abuse will result in
something called a hangover (which feels like someone is
battering your head with an Amiga power adaptor). The current
limit of drinking Plantiac without getting a hangover is 500 ml
per person per night (performed by the ST NEWS crew of course).
It is known to be instantly liked, except by some females and a
Norwegian called »Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø. During the first
Dutch-Norwegian encounter (New Year 1989/1990), two litres of the
stuff were consumed by about a dozen people. During the second
encounter (New Year 1992/1993), five litres were consumed by less
than half the amount of people.
PYRISEPT: Something that you'd better have handy when climbing
the ice patched slopes of a mountain called »Skåla - especially
if you've already broken a glass earlier during your holiday
(thereby severely cutting your elbow) and thoughts about 'bad
luck' are already devastating your mind.
PUP, MUCKY: See »Mucky Pup.
QUANTITIES, EXCESSIVE: See »Excessive quantities.
RIPPER OF THE DECADE: See »HackBear, Lord.
RUNE: A particular species of »Norwegians that raised the hopes
of ST NEWS editorial staff members by exclaiming to 'be there'
when they came to visit his home country, and then let the
aforemeant staff down by not showing up (thus, of course,
inflicting a thousands ST NEWS wraths upon his mortal being).
Henceforth officially excommunicated from the ST NEWS loving ST
world. Coincidentally he has actually never been heard of since -
possible he is one of the few Norwegians who have attained a
mental state referred to as »sane.
SANE: A state of mind virtually unachievable by single male
»Norwegians. Be as it may, it is currently believed that
»Hustadnes, Frøystein, is in fact sane in such a degree as to
have developed an aversion against anything even distantly
associated with »computers, fellow »Norwegians (at least those of
the Nutty persuasion), »ST Klubben and Nutty Mankind In General.
SANITY: See »sane.
SCRIBA COMMUNIS RESPONSUM: A Norwegian disk magazine produced by
»Abrahamsen, Gard Eggesbø, and »Holst, Kai. It has a totally
different approach to everything (including life, so it seems).
Bloody good, actually, but slightly filled with the first
mentioned Norwegian's stories about his continueing attempts at
acquiring a satisfactory love life. All these stories don't have
a good ending and usually involve too little space in a car, a
baseball bat or a peculiar ritual called »Gukkulluk. The disk
magazine as such includes introductions into a new belief, as
well as theories behind "42" not actually being the answer to
life, the universe and everything.
SIMCA: Collection of furniture and scraps of metal on four
wheels, driven by a certain »Norwegian and thus reduced to an
utterly deplorable brand of car. I'd rather be caught driving a
SKÅLA: Minor mountain at the back of Ronny's parents' ex-house,
that is only a minor couple of hundred metres high. Its
icepatched slopes are notorious, however, and already have a
number of victims on their list. Highest point on the world ever
trodden by an ex-editor (and future ex-ex-editor?) of ST NEWS.
SLARTIBARTFAST: The designer of the »Fjords. Look carefully: You
might see his signature somewhere over there, though probably not
on a »Fjord but on a mountainside!
SNOW: Something that »Norway is supposed to have pretty much of
during winter time, but which refruses to fall from the heavens
if anyone comes to fill the winter skies with Plantiac, ST NEWS
and deafening cries.
SORE THROAT: 1: That from which world famous operasinger
»Andresen, Ivar F. seems to have suffered a lot. 2: Earache
recording band, originating from Great Britain, that was the
first to record 101 songs on one LP.
SPAGHETTI: 1: Incredible mass of thin threads of Italian pasta
cooked and mixed with a brew of ground beef and tomato sauce.
Normally devoured by Norwegians, but when prepared by an ST NEWS
editor who has the tendency of adding large amounts of onions,
paprikas and »Chili Pepper to it, consumed with the utmost
caution. 2: When associated with programmed code, an expression
of disgust uttered by any decent programmer when beholding the
source code of an inferior.
STEWART, ROD: English pop singer who A: Happens to be admired by
a guy called Asbjørn, B: Happens to be played the whole evening
long on a New Year's Eve party at Asbjørn's, C: Is really lousy
and D: Cannot sing.
ST KLUBBEN: A Norwegian disk magazine, written in Norwegian and
thus totally incomprehensible to non-Norwegian (»sane) people.
Looks very much like ST NEWS, and thus (Brag, brag!) looks very
well indeed. Unfortunately it's »dead.
ST NEWS: International disk magazine founded in the Netherlands
in 1986 without which there would probably have been no reason to
do this encyclopaedia, no »ST Klubben, no »CL's and no »CAT's.
SYSE, JAN P.: Believed to have been prime minister of »Norway.
Was reknown for his exciting New Year's speeches, which may just
have been the reason behind the fact that »Brundtland, Gro
Harlem, is prime minster(ess) again.
THALION SOUND DEMO: A supposedly heavily protected demo that was
hacked in a minor »24 hours by »HackBear, Lord.
THOR: An immortal divine flying around on a thundercloud,
wielding a sledgehammer called »Mjollnir and owning a private
Coca Cola Vending Machine. He mainly occupies himself with
shooting up passenger desks at Heathrow airport engulfed in balls
of orange flames. He used to acquire some fame for having reduced
innocent »Norwegians to something that can only be collected
using a »Vacuum Cleaner, though the particular innocent Norwegian
in question is believed to have grown immune against it by means
of having achieved a state of »sanity.
TOILET: Somethat that, when in the Netherlands, causes
»Norwegians to frown due to the fact that their shit has not
disappeared below water level. When in Norway, it causes Dutchmen
to swear due to their bums seeming to have disappeared below
water level for a short instant.
TV CHANNELS: Something that the »Norwegians only had one of (the
NSK). They seemed to be happy with it, though some preferred to
have dozens of channels and then buy a satellite dish and Filmnet
decoder. In the mean time, there are several other TV Channels.
Even »advertisements are known in »Norway now, having been
introduced somewhere in 1990.
UTRECHT: City in the central part of the Netherlands where some
Nutty Norwegians spent days around New Year 1992/1993. The city
has never been the same, nor the particular abode where they
stayed, almost perpetually insulting the host.
VACUUM CLEANER: Device, only too often labelled "Nilfisk", that
allows you to suck up the remains of rather reduced »Norwegians.
Sometimes also used to irretrievably devour bread crums, dust or
the awfully expensive golden gem-inlaid earring your mum lost two
weeks ago. The Norwegian-reducing activities have not been
recorded after the decennium previous to the one we're in now.
VADSØ: 1: One of the northmost town in Norway, almost directly
above Finland and even more north than Lapland. In winter there's
perpetual night, in summer constant day. It's probably a lot
better than most Dutch towns. 2: A common expression in Holland
that is applicable to people who are so fat that they screw up
other people's biorhythms by merely being. An uncanny coincidence
with the day/night rhythm in the actual town of Vadsø.
VID' WE FOUND NO NAME FOR, THE: The Home Vid' produced around
New Year 1992/1993 when the first Nutty Norwegians set foot (and
indeed, kept setting foot) on Dutch soil. It features a scetch or
two, an impression of Bagdad during the Gulf War, a registration
of the QX+Satellite Video Orgy and quite a bit more that is
hardly interesting for those of the »sane persuasion.
WATER: A substance that is quite common this side of the known
universe, consisting of a bipolar set of hydrogen atoms attached
to an oxygen atom, and (in Norway) something that, A: When coming
from a tap, is mind-freezingly cold, B: When in a fjord, is nose-
shiveringly green and C: When coming from a shower, refuses to
wash off soap. As so happens, it is the most precious (and
extremely RARE) substance on the planet Googlogulpex (at the
other side of the unknown universe), where the polution uses it
solely to grow Brussels Sprouts.
WATER, STIFF: A version of »water that is slightly (or not quite
slightly) below zero degrees Centigrade. However, it seldomly
suffices to support the weight of an Amiga freak, an ST NEWS ex-
editor and an ST NEWS ex-foreign distributor at the same time.
© 1993 The ST NEWS Editorial Staff. It is expressly forbidden to
duplicate this text by any means, especially with the
intent of using it in a Norwegian medium :-)
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.