NUTWORKS JOKES & QUOTES
Recently, I have discovered the U.S. BBS magazine "Nutworks". A
kinda review can be expected in the article about disk magazines
in general, elsewhere in this issue of ST NEWS. In this article,
you'll find a small collection of some of the jokes that you'll
find in this electronic humour magazine. Thanks to Tako-Jan Gosen
for sending me "Nutworks" Issues 1 to 20.
"Why won't my program run?"..."Did you type run?"..."No but.."
(and a distastefull one at that)
There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were
approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near
prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the
girl approaches her brother and says "Hey, you got a date for the
He says "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"
"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"
"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"
"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"
"You know I don't have a date, Sis."
"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?"
Her brother nodds. She continues, "So we should go with each
The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he
tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday
evening, he will take her to the prom.
Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a
date, so the the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to
the prom on Friday.
At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad
that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's
standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.
"Hey, brother, let's dance."
He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis,
this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own
sister at the prom, okay?"
"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin.
So why can't you dance with your sister?"
So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and
after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a
In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over
at him and says, "Let's not go straight home."
He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do
"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."
He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the
country, she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some
place to park?"
"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going
parking with you!"
"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over
somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for
both of us - how long has it been since we've had a chance to
talk to each other?"
So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a
secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she
looks over at him again.
"Hey.... " she says.
"Why don't you kiss me?"
"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know
that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he
reached for the ignition switch to start the car.
She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister.
You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And
don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like
it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a
few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's
"Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his
sister had in mind.
"You know what," his sister replied.
"I can't do that with you, you're my...." His voice trailed off.
While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know,
you're a lot lighter than Dad."
"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."
(I warned you. heh heh)
Consultant is sitting there with 2 books on the desk, one in his
lap, calculator in hand, pencil poised in his teeth, paper
loaded with equations and, of course, deep in thought...
User approaches and blurts "Are you busy?"
Element : Woman
Symbol : WO
Discoverer : Adam
Quantitative Analysis : Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes
ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have
Occurance : Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly
reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities
in all urban areas.
Physical Properties : Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps)
at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a
moments notice. Totally unpredictable.
Melts when properly treated, very bitter if
not well used. Found in various states,
ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
Non-magnetic but attracted by coins and
sport cars. In its natural shape the
specimen varies considerably, but it is
often changed artificially so well that the
change is indiscernable except to the
Chemical Properties : Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, the
latter especially in the crystaline form.
May give violent reaction if left alone.
Will absorb great amounts of food matter.
Highly desired reaction is initiated with
various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and
sexy aftershave lotions. An essential
catalyst is often required (must say you
love her at least five times daily).
Reaction accelerates out of control when in
the dark and all reaction conditions are
suitable. Extremely difficult to react if
in the highly stable pure form. Yields to
pressure applied to correct points. The
reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage : Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25
Uses : Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used
on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared)
Tests : Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw,
natural state. Turns green if placed besides a better
Caution : Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and
ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen
must be used with great care if experiments are to
It is illegal to possess more than one permanent
specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is
An optimist is a programmer who writes code using ink.
Mr. Spock's Proverbs
Here are 30 familiar sayings in rather unfamiliar language. To
give you an example of what it's all about, the first one is,
"Like father, like son."
Get it? Answers supplied below, courtesy of the Ailanthus Tree.
1. Similar sire, similar scion.
2. Precipitancy creates prodigality.
3. Tenants of vitreous abodes ought to hurl no lithohidal
4. It is not proper for mendicants to be indicatrous of
5. Compute not your immature gallinaceens prior to their being
6. It is fruitless to become lacrymous because of scattered
7. Cleave gramineous matter for fodder during the period that
the orb of the day is refulgent.
8. A feline possesses the power to contemplate a monarch.
9. Pulchritude does not extend below the surface of the derma.
10. Failure to be present causes the vital organ to become more
11. Every article which coruscates is not fashioned from
12. Freedom from guile or fraud constitutes the most excellent
principle of procedure.
13. Each canine passes through his period of per-eminence.
14. Consolidated, you and I maintain ourselves erect; separated,
we defer to the law of gravity.
15. You cannot estimate the value of the contents of a bound,
printed narrative, or record from its exterior vesture.
16. Folks deficient in ordinary judgment scurringly enter areas
on which celestial beings dread to set foot.
17. Liquid relish for the female anserine fowl is the
individual condiment for the male.
18. A feathered creature clasped in the manual members is equal
in value to a brace in the bosky growth.
19. The individual of the class aves, arriving before appointed
time, seizes the invertebrate animal of the group vermes.
20. Socially orientated individuals tend to congregate in
gregariously homogeneous groupings.
21. One may address a member of the equidae family toward
aqueous liquid, but one is incapable of impelling him to
22. Forever refrain from enumerating the dental projection of a
bequeathed member of the equidae family.
23. One pyrus malus per diem restrains the arrival of the
24. Fondness for notes of exchange constitutes the tuberous
structure of all satanically inspired principles.
25. Supposing one primarily fails to be victorious. Bend further
efforts in that direction.
26. Prudence and sagacity are the worthier condiments of
27. Be adorned with the pedal encasement that gives comfort.
28. He who expresses merriment in finality expresses merriment
excelling either in equal quality.
29. A beholden vessel never exceeds 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
30. A rotating lithohidal fragment never accrues lichen.
Mr. Spock's Proverbs, in human English
1. Like father, like son.
2. Haste makes waste.
3. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
4. Beggars can't be choosers.
5. Don't count your eggs before they're hatched.
6. Don't cry over spilled milk.
7. Make hay while the sun shines.
8. Even a cat may look at a king.
9. Beauty is only skin deep (?)
10. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
11. All that glitters isn't gold.
12. Honesty is the best policy.
13. Every dog has its day.
14. Together we stand, divided we fall.
15. You can't judge a book by its cover.
16. Fools step in where angels fear to tread.
17. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
18. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
19. The early bird gets the worm.
20. Birds of a feather flock together.
21. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
22. Do not look a gift horse in the mouth.
23. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
24. Greed for money is the root of all evil.
25. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26. Discretion is the better part of vallor.
27. If the shoe fits, wear it.
28. He who laughs last laughs best.
29. A watched pot never boils.
30. A rolling stone gathers no moss.feather flock together.
My Dog Sex
Usually, everyone who has a dog either calls him Rover or
Boy or something. I call mine "Sex". Well, Sex is a very
embarrassing name. One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran
away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A cop came
along and asked me what I was doing in this alley at 4:00
A.M. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next
One day I went to city Hall to get a dog licence for Sex.
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a
lisence for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one, too."
Then I said, "But this is a dog." And he said he didn't care
how she looked. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had
Sex since I was two years old." He replied, "You must have
been a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I
wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until
after the wedding. I said, "But Sex played a big part of my
life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex." He said he
didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not
marry us in his church. I told him everyone coming to the
wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were
married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred
from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon.
When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted
a room for my wife and I and a special room for Sex. The
clerk said that every room in the motel is for Sex. Then I
said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
And the clerk said, "Me, too."
One day I told my friend that I had Sex on T.V. He said,
"Show-off" I told him it was a contest and he told me I
should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I seperated we went to court to fight for
custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I
was married." And the Judge said. "Me, too." When I told him
that after I was married Sex left me, he said, "Me, too."
Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced
and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with
the psychiatrist and she said, "What seems to be the
trouble?" I replied, "Sex died and left my life. It's like
losing a best friend and it's so lonely." The doctor said,
"Look Mister, you and I both know that Sex isn't man's best
friend- So GET YOURSELF A DOG!!!"
To Compute or Not To Compute
Transcribed from "Bloom County"
The words of Oliver Wendell Jones:
"To compute, or not to compute...
That is the question.
"Whether 'tis nobler in the memory bank
To suffer the slings and circuits of outrageous functions,
Or to take up arms against a sea of... transistors.
Or rather, transponders... transcondu-... trans...
"Oh, to hack with it."
The foreman is talking to the new employee...
Foreman: You're really going to like it here. Every Thursday the
boys go to the bar after work and get smashed out of
Rookie: I don't think I'd like that; I don't drink.
Foreman: Well, every Friday night after work we get together and
get wasted on a pound of some of the best Columbian!
Rookie: I wouldn't like that either; I don't do drugs.
Foreman: Well, every Saturday evening we go down to the local
house-of-ill-repute and spend the whole night.
Rookie: I don't think I'd like that either.
Foreman: (Suspiciously) You're not gay, are ya?
Foreman: Then you really won't like what we do on Sunday night!
This is the little subscription leaflet that you never see in
normal magazines because it always falls out onto the floor, and
lands in the dog dish. Notice how ours stays in the magazine!
Just another fine example of the superior quality of NutWorks
Of the following, which box would you be more likely to check:
+--+ YES! I would LOVE to receive issues of NutWorks magazine at
| | NO charge! This IS an amazing deal that I'd have to be
+--+ positively CRAZY to turn down! I will be anxiously awaiting
the arrival of each new issue, so please RUSH NutWorks to me
as soon as possible!
+--+ NO! I am a complete moron, and a poop-head. I'm not
| | interested in your stupid magazine, and if I see it, I'll
+--+ purge it. Don't ever send me anything. I hate you. Bleah!
If you checked the "YES" box, why don't you send a mail file
to the editorial staff and let us know? If you checked the "NO"
box, you are a mindless jerk and deserve to be nailed to a tree
by your eyelids.
Question of the month:
"So, if this Khadaffy guy is such a hot shot,
why is he only a Colonel?"
In the beginning, IBM created the hardware and the
software. And the software was without form, and zeroes were
upon the face of the disks. And the sysgen moved upon the
face of the drum. And IBM said, "Let there be system," and
it was "genned". And IBM saw the system, and it was buggy.
And IBM divided the light from the dark, and called the
light OS, and the dark HASP. And the cold start and the warm
start were the first crash.
And IBM said, "Let there be a supervisor in the midst of
core, and let it divide the regions from the regions." And
IBM called the supervisor MVT. And the cold start, and the
warm start were the second crash.
And IBM said, "Let the programs in the machine be
gathered into one area," and it was so. And it called the
area LINKLIB, and the rest EXTRALIB, and IBM saw that it was
good. And IBM said, "Let the supervisor bring forth (CLG)
initiators, and the initiators running programs, and the
programs yielding output, each to it's own dataset," and IBM
saw that it was good. And the cold start, and the warm start
were the third crash.
And IBM said, "Let there be lights on the console to
divide the wait's from loops, and let them be for the
operators and for the programmers. And IBM made five great
lights: the system light to rule the CPU, the wait light to
command the operators -- He made the PSW also. And the cold
start, and the warm start were the fourth crash.
And IBM said, "Let the disk bring forth abundantly the
utilities that hath bugs, and appendages may fly above the
system in supervisor state." And IBM created the great
compilers, and every subroutine that runneth and IBM saw
that it was good. And the cold start and the warm start were
the fifth crash.
And IBM said, "Let the core bring forth the linkage
editor after it's kind, for object modules and load
modules," and it was so. And IBM said, "Let us make users in
our own image and let them have dominion over the readers
and over the printers and over the disks and over all of the
system, and over every bug in HASP that lurketh beneath the
nucleus." And IBM created the user in His own image, and IBM
blessed them, and said, "Be fruitful and multiply and add
and subtract and divide, and fill the queues." And IBM said,
"Behold, I have given you every procedure bearing JCL which
is on the face of the PROCLIB. And IBM saw that it was good.
And the cold start and the warm start were the sixth crash.
Thus the hardware and the software were finished, and all
the troubles with them. And on the seventh day IBM unbundled
the work that it had made, and rested from producing. And
IBM sanctified the unbundling and blessed it -- because on
it, IBM rested and created a larger profit.
If You Are Unhappy
Once upon a time...
There was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south
for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly
started to fly south.
In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow happened by and crapped on the sparrow.
The sparrow thought that it was the end,
But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.
Warm and happy, able to breath, the sparrow began to sing.
Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping,
investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and
promptly ate him.
*** The Moral of The Story ***
1) Everyone who shits on you is not neccessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit, is not neccessarily
3) And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your
Bathroom poetry wouldn't be funny if you weren't sitting on the
toilet with your pants down while reading it.
What I Like About The Telephone
What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in
touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you
magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night. These
people have been abducted by large publishing companies and
placed in barbed-wire enclosures surrounded by armed men with
Caller: Hello, Mr. Barry?
Me: No this is Adolf Hitler.
Caller: Of course. My mistake. The reason I'm calling you at 11:30
at night, Mr. Hitler, is that I'm conducting a marketing
Me: Are you selling magazine subscriptions?
Caller: Magazine subscriptions? Me? Selling them? Ha Ha. No.
Certainly not. Not at all. No, this is just a plain old
marketing survey. (Sound of dogs barking.)
Me: Well, what do you want to know?
Caller: Well, I just want to ask you some questions about your
household, such as how many people live there, and what
their ages are and whether any of them might be interested
in subscribing to Redbook?
Me: I don't want to subscribe to anything, you lying piece of
Caller: How about Time? Sports Illustrated? American Beet Farmer?
Me: I'm going to hang up.
Caller: No! (The dogs get louder) Please! You can have my daughter!
The first telephone systems were primitive "party lines"
where everybody could hear what everybody else was talking
about. This was very confusing:
Bertha: Emma? I'm calling to tell you I seen you boy Norbert shootin'
his musket at our goat again, and if you don't...
Clem: This ain't Emma. This is Clem Johnson, and I got to reach
Doc Henderson, because my wife Nell is all rigid and foaming
at the mouth, and if she don't snap out of it soon the roast
is going to burn.
Emma: Norbert don't even own a musket. All he got is a bow and
arrow, and he couldn't hit a steam locomotive from six feet,
what with his bad hand, which he got when your boy Percy bit
it, and which is festerin' pretty bad.
Doc Henderson: You better let me take a look at it.
Bertha: The goat? Oh, he ain't hurt that bad, Doc. He's skittery
on account of the musket fire.
Clem: Now she's startin' to roll her eyes around. Looks like two
Caller: Hi I'm conducting a marketing survey is Mr. Hitler at home?
Clem: No, but I'll take a year's worth of American Beet Farmer.
The party line system led to a lot of unnecessary confusion
and death, so the phone company devised a system whereby you
can talk to only one person at a time, although not necessarily
the person you want. In fact, if you call any large company,
you will Never get to talk to the person you're calling.
Large companies employ people who are paid, on a commission
basis, solely to put calls on hold. These people are trained
by the airline reservations clerks. The only exception is
department stores, where all calls are immediately routed
to whichever clerk has the most people waiting.
But we should never complain about our telephone system.
It is the most sophisticated system in the world, yet it is
the easiest to use. For example, my 20-month-old son,
who cannot perform a simple act like eating a banana
without getting most of it in his hair, is perfectly
capable of direct-dialing Okinawa, and probably has.
In another year, he'll be able to order magazine
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy god mother
appears in front of her and informs her that she can have any three
wishes she wants.
"Well," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turned to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a young beautiful woman.
"Your third wish?", asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat walks across the porch in front of them
"Can you change him into a handsome prince?", she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than she
she had ever imagined possible.
With a smile that makes her knees weak, he then saunters across the
porch and whispers in her ear,
"Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
"Kinky" is when you use a feather;
"perverted" is when you use the whole chicken.
How to Know When You're Growing Older
- Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
- You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.
- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
- You get winded playing chess.
- Your children begin to look middle-aged.
- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
- A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
- You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your
- Your favourite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today".
- You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than for
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
- After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before
applying a second coat.
- Dialing long distance wears you out.
- You're no longer startled to be addressed as "ol' timer".
- The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
- The little gray haired lady you help across the street is your
- You burn the midnight oil after 9 P.M.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You get too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine
- You get your exercise acting as a pall bearer for your friends who
How to Catch a White Elephant
Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a
muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close,
drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will
be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like
muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.
After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily
muffin (with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with
you a muffin without rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white
elephant finds out that the muffin lacks rasins, it will darken in
And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.
There were five morons standing in an alley shooting heroin.
They were all sharing the same needle.
After a while, they were seen by a passer-by who started
yelling: "What are you guys doing!? Haven't you heard about the
One of the morons replied, "Not to worry... we are all wearing
WARNING: Parts of the following text deal with microcomputers.
(You know, those small boxes your kids leave lying around
in the driveway so you can back over them with the car).
None of this is virtual, in fact its almost real.
Many people are fascinated by computers. This is only natural since
they offer a release from the repetitive manual labour required for
some tasks such as filing and sorting. All good things, however can
be taken too far. Before we try to utilize a computer for a certain
task we must first decide if it is worth the effort. Will the computer
be more efficient than our present scheme? For example, a common
selling point of home computers is recipe filing. Now just imagine
how stupid this really is.
First of all, you need to have the machine nearby so you place it on
the kitchen counter. At this point, it is extremely important that
you are careful to avoid spilling things like coffee, chicken soup,
or tomato juice inside the computer. These foods are not necessary for
it, and might even cause some damage if you are lucky. If you are not
lucky then you will be the first person to cook chicken soup on a hot
cathode ray tube. Do not even put cereal in the serial interface,
unless you have a very strong vacuum cleaner.
So now that you have gotten your computer back after paying the $384.57
repair bill because you used it to defrost a chicken, you can start
using it for recipe filing. First of all you must remember to put the
disks in the drives and the bread in the toaster, not the other way
around. This will avoid burning all your data and formatting your
breakfast. Another thing to remember is never touch the computer with
sticky hands. You'll understand this when you have to walk around with
a RETURN key stuck to your hand. Unfortunatly, we can't tell you any
more about recipe filing because we accidentally used the wordprocessor
on a milkshake and the food processor on this column. Needless to say,
the computer did not survive and this is what's left of the column.
Not very pleasant is it? Next time we will show you how to get
chocolate siroup out of a keyboard.
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.