The Owner's Manual
CONGRATULATIONS ON BUYING YOUR NEW PULENBERE FRASHNED
READ THIS FIRST!
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except
that you will undoubtly destroy it via some typical bonehead
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU
ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT
IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR
CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR
VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD
ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST
BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT,
YOU KNOW THAT?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out
that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six
days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to
assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean
nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to
protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than
to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS
CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH
SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS
PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it
is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now
seriously considering backing out on the whole thing inasmuch as
he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control
when he decided to pop the question. You see, it is not without
irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR
ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE
PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and
you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh
in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he
enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer
grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to
your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't
make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at
Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because
nobody cares, that's why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the
latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group,
which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing
hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances,
developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong
is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the
revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small
Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.
DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct
sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE
YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE
ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF
THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE
TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO
HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN"
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our
advising that NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the
battery. Next taking the earth section may cause a large
occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is
a very maintainance action, as a kindly small virepoint from
4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with
but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be
warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as
shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2,
during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the
Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge
from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of
evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.