A VISIT TO THE NUTTY NORWEGIANS
- or -
HOW TO MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF IN TWENTY LANGUAGES
- or -
A TRIP UP NORTH WITH CRONOS WARCHILD
- or -
OH BEAUTIFUL NORWAY I LOVED THEE...
- or -
CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF A FEMALE KIND
- or -
HOW TO MAKE A NERVOUS WRECK OUT OF YOUR BIORHYTHM
- or -
SHIT, WHAT'S THAT TOWEL DOING IN THERE?
- or -
WHERE DID ALL THOSE OSES COME FROM?
- or -
A NUTTY IMPRESSION OF A CERTAIN PART OF NORTHERN EUROPE
- or -
ON THE RUN FOR THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT
- or -
NIGHTMARE ON BJØRKEVEGEN PART XIX
- or -
INTERLUDE TO THE ENCYCLOPAEDIA NORWEGICA
- or -
A FIRST LESSON IN NORWEGIAN FOR TRAVELLERS
- or -
THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO NORWAY
- or -
ENGLISH FOR NUTTIES
by Stefan, Richard, Ronny, Lars-Erik, Torbjørn, Karl Anders,
Frøystein, Gard, Elin, Ole J., Morten, Bent, Kjetil, Bjørn,
Simen, Knis (the cat), Hanne-Mari, Anne-Grete and Bjørge
All individual people writing in this article are entirely
responsible for what they have written. No responsibility
whatsoever goes to the editorial staff of ST NEWS, unless where
they have written themselves.
You might at times be left wondering about the rather strange
setup of this article. Please remember that this article was not
only 'real time' typed, but also recorded on a walkman and later
typed out. This might result even in two stories being told at
the same time...
Part III - Friday, December 29th 1989
I just had a pee outside, and I can hear that Torbjørn is
enjoying the Stakker "Humanoid" CD we gave him when he came in
(this CD single, he had complained months ago, was not available
in Norway - and I didn't play it that often, so...). The mutant
sounds of brutal acid are carrying far in the night over Ørsta.
Everybody's having a ball, so it seems: Except for us, since we
"TURN OFF THE F.CKING RADIO!!!"
Yours truly quote
Everybody's asleep, and the temperature is dropping rapidly (we
turned off the heater because it made too much noise). It made me
wake up, since it's really VERY cold (to put it mildly).
Everybody else is asleep, though I am afraid I will have to wake
up Stefan to turn on the thing.
Sleeping went remarkably well. I only got awake about twice -
one time, the temperature seemed to have lowered itself below
zero. No snoring this night (eh, Richard?), though Richard is
momentarily farting like hell.
"A wall is but a rather strange replacement for a girlfriend."
Richard quote (lying crouched to the back wall of the camper)
We hear Metallica! Vivid memories of nights, mornings and
afternoons filled with this great music come into our sleepy
minds, and succeed in hunting away all remains of rest.
Yours truly quote
Gard is eating Corn Flakes without anything?! Raw?!?
Gard just interviewed me (something to do with having to
interview a professional programmer for school), and we will now
leave bed, have a shower, munch, and harass Ronny.
(Remark by Richard, added while editing this text: Gard must
have been mistaken. Since when are people fooling around on UNIX
and/or PC systems PROGRAMMERS?!)
During the last half hour, I have mainly went to the loo,
showered, and severed some of the hair off my cheek's skin
(thereby luckily not severing my entire head off my body).
We just had breakfast. They surely have an enormous amount of
dogs here. Especially the small ones, Papillons they're called,
are VERY cute and cuddly. In the hall of the Hatlemark residence,
there must be about a hundred prizes hanging that those dogs have
won over the years.
Gard just puked in the loo downstairs. He claims he's allergic
to dogs, and so does Lars-Erik. Add to that that Gard claims to
be allergic to Plantiac......I guess there's no reason not to
make an end to your miserable existence, is there, dear Mutant
We stroll to downtown Ørsta, down a street called Vallageila.
Ronny just told us that there are only four million people living
in Norway (a country at least six times as big as the Netherlands
with its 14 million inhabitants).
At this moment, we're buying something for Frøykid, who is
scheduled to meet us this evening. We're served by a girl called
Leia, and Ronny seems to know her.
When we cast our yes on a multi-coloured plastic truck that is
made in Singapore, we decide that it is definitely the ultimate
gift for the F-word.
Since Richard again wants to send a postcard off to Miranda
every day, we had to go to the local post office - which is the
exact location where we are now.
Whilst walking further through Ørsta, we notice that most
Norwegian cars have a power plug hanging from their front
bumper. Lars-Erik explains that this is for the engine heater
that prevents the cold from freezing an engine overnight. Also,
just like his Lada, an extra heater in the passenger's
compartment can thus use 220 volts.
I just nearly went flat on my orifice as there was some
unexpectedly slippery ice here.
We have returned back at Ronny's place, and we have sent off a
great deal of postcards to a great deal of people all over the
world (including Steve B. and Jeff M. with whose names you might
Ronny's room is surely small, but fortunately an open window
takes care of a fresh supply of equally fresh air.
Some minutes ago, we were called upstairs by pop'n'mom
Hatlemark, and they enabled us to make some pictures of the many
Papillons walking through this house. Some of the pictures must
surely be good, as at a certain moment Elin (did I already say
that she's Ronny's little sister? I guess I did...) took a rabbit
called Tina and had it be mugged by the dogs.
The rabbit didn't seem to like it, but couldn't do much to
prevent anything, really. It tried slapping the dogs with its
tail, but when it discovered that it had one of those fluffy
small ones, it cancelled the attempt.
We will now get the Frøykid, who just called and is waiting
for us to fetch him and his ST system from Austefjorden (which is
where the F-word dwells, in case you didn't know and did care to
Stefan, Ronny, Lars-Erik and me are now driving a certain orange
Lada towards a certain dwelling along a certain fjord. WE'RE
GONNA GET THE FRØYKID! Ronny spent over five minutes trying to
get all the ice from the car's windows (thus making several dirty
words disappear that the staff of a certain international disk
magazine had written in it), and now the car is completely
surrounded by condensed glass.
Ronny just got a brilliant idea.
Before we will go to fetch little Frøyyie, we will go to the
Alida - the local garbage dump, as some of you might recall from
ST NEWS Volume 4 Issue 2.
Stefan will make a picture there, and send it to a certain girl.
We've arrived at the Alida. It surely looks messy.
Stefan made a pic and seems to glow with joy after having done
so. The sadist.
"Orsta has only one cop."
Ronny quote (in connection with people illegally dumping
garbage at the Alida and the likelihood of them being
Again we wonder as the sun sinks behind the mountains at such a
desperately early hour and the darkness is again falling upon us.
Ronny is telling us that he will probably have to join the
Norwegian army in the summer. He doesn't want to go, but can't do
much against it (he's probably too healthy and isn't subversive
enough). It will be the third Army Artillery Regiment in
We just entered the town of Austefjorden. There are loads of
pictoresque little lights here, and small roads lead down to the
town that seems to be built partly on the ledge of a fjord cliff.
The car almost got stuck in some kind of severely deranged,
undescribable bend in the road leading to Frøystein's place.
We're standing before the Hustadnes residence. It's a big house
with a Volkswagen Golf L before it.
The door opens....
A form immeasurably bigger than anything we could have suspected
arises from the house and introduces itself as Frøyboy...well...
He nearly cripples my hand as he shakes it.
"Is that the Aiwa walkman?"
F-word quote, bending over at the microphone currently
recording every word and sound
I just tried to obliterate a guy on two wheels by going past him
with open door. I closed the door too soon so he still lives (I
got chicken, actually).
So he's lucky.
We are now pausing in Volda (Ørsta's neighbour town in which
everything is smaller, uglier, more expensive and generally less)
to enable Frøystein to bring back a video tape he seems to have
A quick glance on the label told me it wasn't anything he isn't
allowed to see (he's only 16 or 17, remember?).
Back in Ørsta again!
A well known urge is manifesting itself.
Where can we buy crisps and Coke?
After a very quick (and, I might add, very succesful) quest for
Coke and various munching stuff, we are now back at Ronny's
That car was surely very cold.
We just had dinner, and we also took a group photograph. On the
picture, someone called Kjetil Homme was also present - whom we
had not exactly met today, but whom we had seen wandering around
in Ronny's room earlier.
We just started the actual real-time article on Frøyboy's
After dinner and a short photo session, we are now all gathered
again in the room of Ynnor the Divine One. Just now, two
additional Norwegians dropped in, and it is difficult to believe
that at this moment there are actually twelve people in here (in
a room that is estimated not to be any bigger than 4 x 4 metres).
Just for the sake of completeness: The people present here are
the ST NEWS crew (YEAH!), Ronny, Frøystein, Torbjørn, Gard,
Elin, Karl Anders, Kjetil, Lars-Erik, Ole Jørgen Ose and Morten
Ose (the latter two are the ones that came in latest and they are
related to Hack the Ripper alias the Hackbear - cousins).
Yes, there are fourteen people in the room. Now when I am locked
in a room with thirteen other people and the temperature is
rising slowly but constantly, I always get visions of mass-
slaughter, total obliteration and other ways of getting rid of
twelve others (I won't hurt little girls, so Ronny's sister will
be spared). A can of drop is convienently located next to me and
Gard Eggesbø Abrahamsen alias Minute Microbe is sitting next to
me and is looking quite insanely witty.
Hey! I'm not called Minute Microbe. I'm called Zealot, and
there is only one good reason for that. I'm a Zealot, see. Right
now, Lars-Erik is digitizing some pictures of Stefan and some of
the other people in this over crowded room. Richard is talking
about how difficult it is to pronounce my name. Torbjørn is
sitting at my left side, and he looks at the screen as if he
expected me to let him write anything. Now, they are complaining
about how slow I am at typing.
Stefan just sat on the monitor-cable and the screen went black.
That's why there are som many spelling mistakkes hre. I must also
mention that Richard managed to break a glass yesterday, just by
leaning on it.
The Visualizer (Karl Anders) peeked at the screen, and now
Umpire (Kjetil) is doing so, too. I wonder what they are
thinking. I hope he isn't going to ....
Well, I guess I have to write some kilobytes for this article.
Richard is farting all the time, the temperature is kind of high,
the room is crowded, there are not enough chairs, we only have
two computers (Ronny & Frøystein), all in all I guess we could
call the situation pretty chaotic. I am just sitting here typing
away on Frøykids computer (with a "Wrong machine" monitor). Well
I won't write anything more right now, I think Frøykid will write
something so I'll let him have a go at the keyboard.
Richard has forbidden me to write some of my poetry, so I'll
just continue the real-time stuff..
"Everybody, before you do something, look around you before you
Lars-Erik is displaying a file with all the passwords for the
ABK-BBS, on which he is the sysop... There are.. girl's names,
actions connected with those beings, beer and so on (did you know
that 'pils' is the most common password in Norway?). Richard is
pleaing for that small text file, but I don't think he will
Frøystein (Not Frøykid. I'd have beaten up Stefan for
introducing that name, but because of his size, I won't (he's so
small he'd go to pieces))
19:59 (by the way, my clock is about 4 minutes too fast)
Breathing. Breathing. Breathing. For the first time (since the
start of this (Richard quote: Fart!) whatever-ya-lika-call-it
terribly long day, I'm finally sitting in front of a keyboard and
just drivelling away using this real-time article to empty my
sorrows on. It's been a tough day to say the least. Terrible
explosions are taking place (a new year is nearing...), and
laughter (as a result of a joke) fills the room. Which joke, you
"-You seem so nervous.
-It's because I'm fishing.
-That's strange, fishing usually calms people down.
-Maybe, but you're not allowed to fish here."
Stefan quote: "Norwegian jokes!". Anyway, as I was saying, this
has been one hell of a day. A few hours ago, we were driving to
Austefjorden to pick up Frøystein. I was very worried about my
room then. Was it still the same room or had the size been
increased with all those people in it? Apparrently, the room is
still the same, so it seems. Well, why bother you with all my
worries. Someone looked up to see what was going on on the other
computer right now, and Lars-Erik said: "GfA Basic!!!". I guess
he's a great addict (no?). A terrific happening has just taken
place; someone opened the window the temperature lowered itself a
few degrees (phew!) and a cat jumped in through the window.
Everybody seem to be alive still, though...
Ronny (whose room has been 3D Invaded)
I just got to hear that Ronny is supposed to have eaten one cat
and one of the eight (cute and cuddly, yes) Papillon dogs. Lars-
Erik is laughing insanely, and I was told to sit down here and
The main problem is that I don't really know WHAT I should type.
Something just happened so that everybody started babbling in
some strange and obscure dialect that some call Norwegian. I
don't have the slightest idea what it all was about, and I
haven't the least intention of finding out.
Well. I guess that I will quit again and give the keyboard to
one of the Utterly Nutties.
Well, I'm not one of the Utterly Nutties, but I soon will be if
I keep on typing on this totally warped keyboard. I mean the ) is
where the ( should be and there are even keys that give different
characters than the one labeled on them. Typical Norwegian I
presume. Anyway, the temperature has dropped somewhat and I feel
a bit less hostile towards all the beings in this room. Frøyboy
is sitting next to me and I hardly take the threats seriously. I
think if I breathe hard enough, he will be blown off the couch.
Gard the Minute One just loaded a file called 'LOSTBOYS.PRG',
which, together with 'SCROLLDE.PRG' is infected with a link-
virus, according to Lars-Erik. Ronny is now quite insanely
worried about the contents of his hard disk device.
OK, they put on Humanoid now and I cannot do anything else but
to freak out hard-corelyish.
This keyboard really should be touch-sensitive (the harder you
type, the bolder the characters). Stefan just turned down the
volume on Ronny's stereo, as he was afraid his feeble body would
fall apart because of the bass drums. That stereo is truly great!
I can't say that of the artistic value of the music currently
playing, though.. Someone is waiting, but that person waiting
This is Morten of Digital Creativity speaking....Tell me, who
can survive this world without the ST and without food (don't
laugh, because it's silly, silly indeed)? They are still trying
to find the link virus, Stefan and Richard are mad (just found
out), but the music that they like is very good. But Frøystein
doesn't like it at all. What the f. shall I write now? I don't
like this, I don't like this at all. øoergh I'am dea...........
Ohhh no !!!!! I don't wanna do this !!!!! Well, maybe I'll have
too (hey, put down that bazooka)... This is Lars-Erik typing (I
don't drive the car right now :-) They are close to get their
hands on the link-virus now... Well, I might as well tell
something about myself. I live in Oslo (and had the pleasure
(????) of driving Stefan and Richard from the Airport to Ørsta -
they will no doubt have written about THAT already). When I don't
study at the University in Oslo I run Norway's best (and only :-)
Atari bulletin board system. I even wrote the system myself
(it's much better than anything else, and Public Domain :-)! They
are still trying to get to the virus.... If you have lots of
money (to pay the phonebill) and a modem - please call my BBS +47
2 13 26 59. Of course you have tried my famous and great
communication program - MiniTerm (you haven't !!!!?????). If
you want to reach me call the BBS or write e-mail to
email@example.com on usenet.... Somebody wants to kill me and
delete all this crap so I better talk about something else....
On the trip here no one complained about my Russian car (maybe
they didn't want to be left in the middle of nowhere in one metre
deep snow with the possibility of freezing to death :-)
Somebody tried to cut the air in the room with a knife - it
broke. Ahhh... They are going to play cards !!!! Hey - wait
The first Plantiac of this evening is now being drunk. But the
Norwegians are all a bunch of bloody sissies, and only Ronny is
an exception to this rule and he is delicately sipping some
This is Ole Jørgen Ose of Digital Creativity speaking! I am
mayby the greatest fan of Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band
in Norway. When I say greatest I mean that I simply love
everything Bruce has made over the years, all the records and
everything else. Sorry I have to go now! I will write some more
later! See ya!
They just run the Enigma demo of ST NEWS Volume 4 Issue 4, and
when they wanted to reset the computer hung and showed a
They turned the ST (a 1040 STF) off and switched it on after
about 10 seconds.
The demo was still there, in all its expostulating glory.
When they turned down the power for twenty seconds, I proudly
proclaimed: "If it will NOW still be there I will go outside and
stick my head in......"
They turned it on at that precise moment and it was still there.
Wasn't I lucky that I hadn't finished my sentence yet.
"...the fresh Norwegian air!"
The machine had to be switched off for a massive THIRTY seconds
before it finally booted normally.
Speaking of a slow machine....it must be the general low
temperature here, that has also succeeded in slowing down the
activities of most Norwegians' grey cells!
Richard is wrong. It isn't the cold. It was simply Ronny's
computer that's very very very very very very very very very very
slow. My own computer has erased the entire memory in
0.0000125738 milliseconds. It's just half-a-meg, though.
The walls are jumping up and down and shaking like crazy as
Ronny's stereo is set to 1/4th of its power. It's Joe Cocker and
it isn't trash-metal, so I must say it is just pure luck I'm
still alive (Don't ask me how Richard and Stefan manage to
Right now, I saw Stefan with a Commodore sticker on his head
and a Norwegian potato-crisps in his mouth. I can understand
that. He didn't survive (As I thought in the parentheses above).
This is the local police. My name is Peter Nilsen. I am very
sorry but this crazy article has to be stopped. The consequenses
of this article could be terrible. This text must never be
published in any magazine or other mass-media. I am sorry, you
have to delete this file. I am sor... ZAP !!!!! (ahhh at
last we got rid of him).
--- RIP ---
Some great music is coming out of Ronny's above above above
above above mentioned stereo, positively affecting the atmosphere
in the room. WOOSH (a silent WOOSH). The intelligence level in
this room just raised drastically.. Could it have been because
Stefan the Stolid left the room?
Is it time for some of my poetry now?? Not yet??? OK, I'll spare
you the pain. Having a look at Gard's low-res display program
suits me better at this time, when I really should try to hitch
hike the thirty kilometres home instead.
Stefan and Richard has left the room and Lars-Erik just entered
to say that Ronny's (very very VERY VERY VERY VERY ) little
sister going out with four dogs at the same time, and even Stefan
can't handle ONE dog (I know. I've seen the ST NEWS home-vid).
Will she be alive when she returns?
As the two guys are now out of the room, I'll now show you how
good I am at writing poems....!!!!!!!!!
I am great
and all the demos I create
Surely must be the best
You've got in your chest
Right now, Lars-Erik is turning green as he is trying to bend a
spring. Kjetil is about to remove me from the keyb...
I must express my distaste with the music being played here.
Generally it is monotone, loud and noisy. The exception to
confirm the rule is the one time Lars-Erik tried to play a
cassette with his own selection of ABBA's greatest hits... But
unfortunately for him, no one else seemed to enjoy this. Now some
strange Norwegian music is played - Jørgen Slips, they say. It
resembles Prima Vera for those into Norwegian music. Richard
seems eager to say something, so I'll just sign off. Thank you.
I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!!
I have been walking with Stefan and Ronny (we went at 21:58) to
have a short go at breathing the Ørsta night air, and
accidentally we gazed upward and saw it.
The Northern Light (or Polar Light, or whatever).
It was slightly vague, but we saw it anyway.
We also had a go and drank from an Ørsta river (one that is just
as minute as Gard, actually). It tasted utterly tongue-
devastatingly cold, but fresh and clean nonetheless.
But I don't want to write much more, since some of that stupid
Norwegian music with stupid lyrics on familiar tunes is making
such a mindshakingly earobliterating noise that the whole room
(including the ST we're typing on) is vibrating.
Boy. If only we had taken Sodom's "Mortal Way of Live" CD with
This is the dead Morten speaking....Stefan and Richard had a
breakdown when there came a man in the door, and he is called
Bent Ådne Ose. He is in fact Torbjørn's brother.
Hey, Bent's on the keys. I passed this house earlier this
marvellous nice evening in one of these great Volvos (144 1972 &
-73 model. I just love Volvos. I'm trying to get hold of a 164
with about 160 hp. Lars-Erik nearly cut of his hand right now. At
least one scratch. Passing by the house I met Torbjørn and Kalle
(Karl Anders) on their way to Sæbø. That was round ten o'clock .
I was driven home by my private chauffeur Knut. Then I went to
the loo for a while. Some time later I put my ass down on top of
my great Vespa scooter and drove around in Ørsta sliding from
side to side . The roads are slippery. But I reached this place.
It could be done without looking. Some loud music came out of
Ronny's room. Well what can I say. The screen is not acting too
well. Richard tried to repair it by hitting Frøysteins computer.
It only got worse. Well let me give the keyboard over to some
other. I'm no good writer. Bye!!!!
The screen is acting funny indeed.
Torbjørn has (temporarily?) left us to bring Karl home, and just
about five minutes ago the two Ose cousins left us as well.
I just slammed on poor Frøykiddie's ST and now it seems to
function quite well.
But I won't say more, since otherwise Murphy will strike.
I just noticed the absence of a rather young Nutty One called
Frøystein and he hasn't even taken his present home with him!
Gard is trying to pack OUCHLOAD.NEO with his own packer, but it
isn't going too well. I haven't heard any nasty words yet, but
many funny noices. The reason why things wasn't going to well,
was the Ghost Virus. He switched off the computer for a while.
Let's see whats happening, It's only me (Bent) and Gard in the
room now. Im shaking with cold, so my handwriting is a bit
distorted (thank God I'm writing on a machine). I wonder if I
should go to fetch my gloves lying on my super mega great
scooter, but I'll probably leave this refrigerator within a short
while. The dogs are barking outside. Somone is coming in the main
entrance. It was Bjørn. Time is now 23:10. Ronny was here a few
seconds moving das Fenster (German, I think) a bit closer the
wall of the house. I'm beginning to get mighty iiritated on some
stupid trash noise coming out of Frøysteins Commodore 1084
monitor, probably also caused by something like cold. Bjørn (not
computer freak) helped me with this problem by turnin' off the
volume. Gard is now fixing some cosmetic details on his packer.
Richard, Stefan and Ronny just came down after a really good
dinner (so I've heard).
Richard, Stefan and Ronny went upstairs again to watch a video.
The film is called "Døden kjører Porsche". Probably something
like "Death is driving Porsche" on English. I saw the film
yesterday, and don't feel like seeing it again. Torbjørn and Karl
Anders popped in right now (23:23). We are now four guys in this
room. The screen has acted just great the last half an hour. Karl
Anders brought som real MUSIC to us now. "METALLICA ONE"
especially imported from Japan. Really nice, I think. I feel
warmer already, but my back is aching. I've been sitting here for
quite a long time now. I think I'll eat some candies from the
Dutchies. The box is now unfortunately empty. I took one bit.
Karl Anders one and a half. That was all. Torbjørn says the movie
is called "No Man's Land" on English. I think I'll take a trip to
the loo again.
Torbjørn and me have just been a trip to Sæbø to pick up my
forgotten belongings, a nice one hour trip. I picked up some
hundred disks which I am now hopefully going to sell for 10 NOK a
disk, and some of my new CDs, which I actually got this very day.
One of them is a very especially imported CD, 'ONE' by the
masters themselves, it even contains a track never before
released on any other Metallica disc: Breadfan (well...it was
actually released on the "Harvester of Sorrow" CD single earlier,
ED.). I haven't really had time to listen very much to it, but so
far it is great (who'd have guessed). Hmm, it seems that I just
sold my 10 first disks, I guess I must be quite a business
Gard is now kinda trying to improve his packer, which I kinda
don't believe he will kinda manage to do. Right now he is kinda
making some kinda bad jokes, and I kinda don't bother to kinda
even laugh of it.
Ha! Right now there's a car chase on the video, so I'll just
leave the keyboard alone and watch the movie.
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.