THE DOOM OF THE SPIRITS
There are some individuals that seem to find pleasure in writing
totally absurd stories, and sending them to the ST NEWS
correspondence address. Whether or not these writings enhance the
quality of your life on this planet we leave up to you...
Emmm...err...yes, some of it is pretty rude too, so read it at
your own risk...
I wanna work for the S.O.D.
What you get is what you see,
Uncut splatter,gore and dirt,
Mess with us and you'll get hurt,
Sometimes we take a break,
we'll slit your throat and watch you shake,
Your skull full of maggots is what we like,
If ya don't like that, well, take a hike!
Motherfuckers like you just make me sick,
I can't take it anymore, please just suck my dick!
If ya don't obey we'll have to use force,
Kick you you in the head and spit on your corpse!
We ain't people who make a fuss,
All we want to do is suck puss.
Heavy metal drives us mad,
I'll kick your ass until your dead.
Only ST NEWS can give us peace,
When we read it, our killing will cease.
In our spare time we slaughter faggots,
When we're hungry we'll devour maggots!
Your head cracked open, brains spilled out,
It'll make me mad,I'll scream and shout.
one, two, three, four,
we like to hear some hardcore!
No assholes are allowed in here,
When they see my face, they'll run in fear.
I write this Hymne cause I'm a lunatic,
I hope the rhymes will make you sick!
And when these rhymes DON'T make you sick,
I'll smash your face with a concrete brick.
I'll hunt you down like you were a duck,
Don't beg for mercy coz I don't give a fuck!
If you find this Hymne dire,
I'll set your fucking ass on fire!
If you think your getting played like a sucker,
I'll tell you, you're just a bad motherfucker.
- Evil TS
Ok, ok, it's time for another real-time article again, this time
it's been done during the visit from the S.O.D. to Digital
Insanity where they, together with ACC, Relayer and CIA, have put
together some scenes for the Christmas Coding Convention Video.
It's now about 5 minutes past 8 and I'm sitting behind the
Posthuma Mega ST, Napalm Death is currently screaming through the
room and I'm feeling just wonderful, apart from the terrible
neckache I just got from a furious headbang session while
listening to my beloved grindcore noise.
Behind me are CIA from the infamous Galtan Six and my humble
coder Lucifer the Fearsome. I'll catch ya later, Dude.
It's currently ten minutes past 8 and since my ugly and he-who-
thinks-he-can-make-good-graphics graphicsman TS told the most
incredible nonsense (as usual) I figured the time had come for me
to write something sensible now. TS has joined me right now and
I'm afraid he'll strangle me once again. He is sitting there with
a brand smile on his face while the muscles of his neck seem to
need no rest, since he keeps banging his head all the time.
Posthuma is assembling some piece of furniture right now and gets
disturbed by TS all the time. By the way, everyone, and I mean
everyone should see the video of the Christmas Coding Convention,
because it's just great. I guess the fact that I helped making it
is another reason.
Shit! Stefan has got himself a mega ST 2 and he bought it in
Germany, which usually means that it's german and with a german
keyboard. AND I HATE GERMAN KEYBOARDS!!!!!!!!!!! (Although French
keyboards are even worse, according to CIA.)
"Hallo!", Stefan's quote.
I have learned a lot during this convention. One of these is
that TS is even more weird than I thought. Ok, TS told me to quit
now, so I will obey him as usual. (sigh)
Yeah, low and meaningless mortal creature, obey your master!!
Right now, Sodom is playing on the stereo and The Lost Boys are
playing on the video recorder. (No, I mean the movie, stupid. Not
those weird things from London.) Stefan is still occupied by his
stupid piece of furniture, I wonder why? Well, he probably fell
in love with the bloody thing.
These Sodom guys are absolutely brillant!!! Their music is fast,
agressive and loud, what more do you need!
Hm, I seem to have run out of ideas for the time being so I'll
just ask CIA or that thing called Stefan alias Digital Insanity
to write something.
It looks like Stefan (the posthuman) is finished with his
furniture. We are watching the movie "The Lost Boys" (how
typical). Sodom is still filling the room with their "music". I
just heard from TS that it is Napalm Death again (It all sounds
the same to me). The movements in the room are almost nihil,
except for Stefan he's doing the dishes (he,he). The S.O.D guys
are settled on the couch "peacefully" watching the movie.
I think wil join them, CU L8ER....
The track "Evolved as one" by Napalm Death is certainly one of
their best, the way Lee Dorrian is shouting his lungs out is
simply nerve-shattering! Stefan is doing the dishes right now and
Lucifer and CIA are still watching Lost Boys. I think I'll try to
convince Stefan that he should write something here, don't you
Ha, it's not that simple mortal Stefan who is banging this mega
ST right now, it's the one, only and simply the best: LUCIFER!!!
Hey, where are the other creatures? They are not in this room for
as far as I can see. Well, never mind. They obvioulsy don't want
to see the thrilling, exciting and totally outrageous movie with
the same name some mortals in England have. Wait, they're back!
Yeah, I'm here. Cleaning up after these dudes sure ain't easy.
I've been doing the damn dishes twice already. I also assembled a
table and failed to assemble a bookshelf due to strange screws
used and I don't have the right screwdriver for them. So we have
been doing the video yesterday and today and some of the things
we have done are quite funny. Next week, Richard and myself will
put together the final version of the video and the damn thing
will be over with. I have to make a phonecall now so BYE.
-Lucifer (yes, again).
I can't stop writing. I'm afraid I have become addicted to it.
Oh no, what am I to do now? This is just horrible. Well, I guess
I will just have to learn to live with it, won't I? Tough shit!
The best redemy for it is to stop writing and watch 'the Lost
I hope there will be some visitors tonight cause I need to suck
someone's blood very soon now or I'll go totally mad and will
devour Stefan's brain, after that I'll rip open CIA's belly and
swallow his guts, then I'll examine Lucifer's spine from a
smaller distance than I'll ever will!! I'll tear open his back,
take out the bones and vomit on his remains!!!!
Grind, grind, grind!!!
The end of the Lost Boys video is quite good. Lots of screaming,
exploding and electrocuting vampires. Death by stereo!! Nice
stuff for the ol' answering machine!
I've seen the film already, so I can just sit and enjoy these
few moments of utter satisfaction behind the keyboard. The film
has currently come to an end. Time for the next film. It is
called: Night of the demons. Very promissing title... Gnah, gnah.
I'm about to leave now.. I hope Stefan can hold those two
wierdos a little bit under control (allright, a micro bit then).
I wish you a lot of luck, Stefan!! BYE.
Har,har, Stefan's brand new hamster just pissed on his hands,
Right, the bottle of vieux is empty. At last. It took us ONE
FULL DAY to empty it. I thought we'd never manage it. Suspicious
sounds arise from the television. Sounds of wild screaming,
gravelike voices, flesh being torn apart, hands being cut off and
lotsa shit more.
About five minutes ago Stefan's new hamster tried to escape
through the bars of the cage. It allmost succeeded. Hamsters are
very thin with a lot of hair around them. Stefan didn't like this
development at all. I wonder what he will do about it. In the
mean time, let's PARTY!!!!!!
Three times SHIT!!! This Vieux makes me feel a bit dizzy, the
movie is still nice though, I saw some great naked female demons
fucking some innocent boys who got slaughtered during the
proces!! Brilliant, I love uncut splatter!!
-TS (15 minutes later)
There's this real naff sex movie on RTL plus right now with the
obligatory ugly german women in it and fat german men. You'll
never see a real hardcore porno movie on RTL plus so don't waste
your time on it, take my advise for this!
Natanga (the hamster) is now prowling the appartment! It's
exploration time for hamsters now and she is at it. She almost
managed to squeeze herself between the bars of her cage! There is
about 1/2 inch between these bars. Amazing creatures, these
hamsters. The film on RTL plus is really dumb. Lame soft-porn
without any of the real stuff. Hhhmmm.... Time to watch China
O'brien, the karate-lady film thingy. Natanga is now all over
Lucifer, poor lad. I hope she doesn't piss on him...
Nope. She didn't piss on me. She regognises her master when she
meets him... Naughty Natanga. She went exploring the inside of my
blouse. Really creepy feeling, I can sure tell you that. I got
rid of her now and put her back in her cage. Hope she doesn't try
to escape through the bars again. It really gives Stefan
headaches. Poor Stefan. Nearly living on his own and already
having troubles with a roommate. Grim, gnah, smile, har, grènh
Oh no, we rented two movies and both of'em are total crap! The
first was night of the demons, a second rated horror movie with
some occasional half-naked girls, the second is China O'brien, a
stupid karate film with an enormously ugly undead butt-fucked-
bitch playing the star-role!!!
I surely picked the bad ones today. China O'brien is a third-
class shitty good-girl fights bad-guys movie that is simply
revolting. Revolting because of the uglyness of the 'heroine' who
only moves fast because of modern-day high-speed video recorders
and editing equipment. Revolting because of the plot that even
Natanga could have come up with. Revolting because of the
appaling fight-scenes that redefine the word amateurism.
Revolting because of the mystery one-man karate dude hanging
around eyeing the 'heroine' like he has fallen in love with a 93-
year old hooker from the depths of Harlem. Revolting because of
the actors who act worse than the five-year olds trying to do
their version of Macbeth in which their grandmothers play the
three witches. MEUH! (But there is something kinky about a woman
who can defeat a six-feet ape armed with a chainsaw. Brings back
memories of the Texas Chainsaw massacre)
And he's right, you know.
I wasn't finished you shithead from hell!
Revolting because of the exploding cars that are so predictable
that a 103-year old alcohol-addicted Eskimo with a severe liver
problem could have foreseen them. Revolting because of the
burial-scenes in which the tears are so fake that a New Kid on
the Block could have pissed on the grave of his grandmother and
not laughed about it.
Jezus, jezus and again jezus. That's what we say all the time
while watching China O'Brien. Fuckin' bad film. All piss-lamers:
Rent the movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Except for An Cool, of course.)
My opinion about the film:
S I M P L E M O V I E !!!!!!! WHAT A PLOT!
WHAT AN ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY-NOT-FAST-FORWARDED-FIGHTING-SCENES
CRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS MOVIE IS
SOMETHING FOR WHICH YOU SHOULD DIE!!!
If you want to have a wonderful boring time, this is your
chance! Ok, enough of that sickening film. Let's talk about
something else. No, let's not. Yes, let's. No, let's not. Why
not? Well, because, er, well......you know.......various
TS needs to go to the bathroom again. He really can't stand
I am not a WIMP!!! Who says I can't stand beer! It's just that
I've been drinking most of the beer tonight without those other
lamers touching a drop of it!! I still have to agree with Lucifer
and Digital Insanity that the film we're watching is absolute
crap!! Lucifer and D.I. are currently lying on the couch and on a
matress looking extremely lazy. I wish there were some REAL
pretty chicks on TV instead of the metalfucking-asshole-sucking-
pus-slurpin'-bastard-bitches that are currently visual on screen.
Oh please lord, let them explode, PLEASE!!!
krsp grlmbl I just can't stop cracking that stupid movie down. I
just lllllooovvvvveeeeee to shout in the ear of TS. Especially
when he is somewhat loopy and twirly.(????) Ok, I admit it. No
need to twist my leg or to pull my leg out. Officially now: TS
CAN STAND BEER.
AAAAAH, at last, China O'Brien is almost finished! The last
shitty scenes are visuable on screen right now and I can tell you
they're not worth seeing, they are in fact total and utter SHIT!!
Whatever you do, never rent this kind of SHIT movie!!!! Trust me
on this one.
Ode to a grape fruit:
Oh grape fruit, so yellow and big
On you my mind will always stick
You are so nice and round
In this battle, who will win the round?
Your shape so well, your taste so sweet
like water in a bowl, when time is heat
Signatures only on wednesday, I'm truly sorry.
The Tia Maria has done me. Misty clouds are obscuring my mind
and blocking any eye-hand coordination. Maybe it's my inperfect
senses betraying me again or are there two people on TV having
sex? Damn late-night RTL.
T-T-T-Take it off...
Well, I would like to....fm,..d....aw...34.$::?%.1....!!...
The dreaming child
Sees an ancient land
My mind is restless
I must journey there
Nice broad on TV, but she ain't go no tits.....
-TS (Two days later and at home)
Well, this about wraps it up for the tiny real-time article we
wrote during the SOD visit to the Digital Insanity home. Stefan
has been extremely kind to us, he even brought us home in his own
car so that we didn't have to travel by fuckin' train!!
On behalf of the SODs I`d like to thank you, Stefan. We had
lotsa fun making the Convention Video and I look forward to
receiving the final work of art.
With these words I'd like to leave you now, see ya!!
by Evil TS of The Spirits of Doom
"Oh, and also pass me that drill please, Geofrey", said Charles.
"Here you are, but what in the world do you need a drill for?",
asked Geofrey while shaving his legs.
"Well", said Charles, "I seem to have this problem with my
"What kind of problem?", asked Geofrey.
"They won't bounce", replied Charles while picking his nose.
"Oh right, but what do you need a drill for then", asked Geofrey
"I don't think it will help if you try to drill a hole through
your computer, would you?"
"One will never know until one tries, won't he?", said Charles
and drilled a hole through his trusty ST which reacted to this by
sending a 220 Volt power surge through the drill which on it's
turn knocked Charles completely out, momentarily that is. When
Charles regained his conscious, Geofrey said:
"Hm, that didn't really work out as it was suppose to be, didn't
"No", said Charles, "but I can't give up now, if I don't finish
these bouncing rasters by next Thursday my mother will be very
cross with me and maybe even spank me!"
"Oh no", cried Geofrey, "she can't do THAT?! That's...that's
"I will have to find another solution since the drill didn't
work out", said Charles, "Hm, my ST won't start anymore, look,
when I turn it on, the little red light doesn't light up, maybe
my ST is broken? I wonder how that could have happened?"
"Yes", said Geofrey, "this is indeed very strange, maybe the IRA
secretely sneaked into our house while I was busy with you and
"No of course not", replied Charles, "why would the IRA want to
sabotage my computer? I'm not even Catholic!"
"Then maybe it's because of the rather large hole that you just
drilled through it?", asked Geofrey.
"Hang on Geofrey! That might be it! I've read something about
this once, about a man who filled his toaster with water and that
didn't work either after it was turned on!", said Charles.
"Yes, very nice", said Geofrey, "but you can't compare your
computer with an ordinary house utensil, can you?"
"Hm, your right again, Geofrey, but I'm still stuck with a
broken computer and I HAVE to finish those rasters!", said
"Oh, but you can borrow mine until you found a solution to your
drilled computer problem", said Geofrey.
"Thank you very much Geofrey, you have proven to be a reliable
friend", said Charles.
After having connected Geofrey's computer and starting up
GENST.PRG, Charles went back to what he was doing in the first
After about 15 minutes Charles suddenly jumped up and shouted:
"Where did you shout EUREKA!! for?", asked Geofrey, "don't you
think that's hardly a way for a gentleman to express his feelings
"Oh please, do fuck off, Geofrey! Look, I succeeded, I finally
got the damn thing working!", shouted Charles.
"Oh wow", said Geofrey, "how did you manage?"
"Look", said Charles, "here's an option called 'Assemble' and
when I activate this neat little thingy it automatically runs
"Brilliant!", said Geofrey, "it's amazing what those computers
can do these days!!"
"Yes, it's absolutely great, now all I have to do is program a
waving logo and I have my first demo screen!", cried Charles.
"No,no,no,no", shouted Geofrey, "you can't call that a decent
demo screen, just a 16x16 scroll, some rasters and a waving logo!
Don't you have any imagination? Not a tiny little bit of
creativity? How in the world do you manage to get on in life?!"
"Oh, but that's very simple", replied Charles, "I work for the
"Well, that figures", said Geofrey, "but I won't bother you any
more with my extremely good and helpful advice, I'll just go out
and get myself a nice and hot slice of pizza! Arriverdeci!"
With these words he stepped out of the room and went outside.
"Oh Geofrey", called Charles after him, "watch out for the
steps, they're kind of.."
(Loud noise of someone making a 30 foot drop on a concrete
floor coming from outside)
Well, that's about it for today.
Uuuhhhhmmm... yes...errrr....I mean....should this be hidden?
Like this is not your average stuff......daisy age?
DEATH AND DESTRUCTION
At last the satanic prayers were heard by the Evil One. He
reacted in a very strange way to them, as if he was in an awful
rage. He sent his evil minions onto the earth where they started
to spread their foul smelling gasses. As twilight filled the sky,
evil became more concentrated and paranoia started to rule the
people's mind resulting in a massive wave of cannibalism
throughout the globe. Everywhere one looked corpses lay rotting
away, eyes pierced, bowels ripped out and swallowed. But the Evil
One hadn't had enough, he wanted more death, more corpses, more
He wouldn't stop before everyone was killed and therefor he
began to capture humans and torture them horribly. The first one
he caught, he ripped off the head and left the body shivering in
a pool of blood.
When the second one had been caught, he tried to use his
imagination a little bit more, so first he slowly cut open the
skin round the poor mortal's nippels, then he pulled out his eyes
and took his scalp, but the male human wasn't dead yet, so he cut
open his tummy and let his bowels flow happily out of the
screaming man. Raging across the land he stumbled upon this
beautiful female. He couldn't control his sexual emotions anymore
and violently penetrated her vagina with his flaming prick,
ripping open the lower body, with screams of pleasure he covered
the female corpse with his black sperm and with yet another yell
of delight he took out her womb and ate it. Meanwhile his minions
had captured a whole village and brought the unlucky inhabitants
to their master. The Evil one was pleased with the work of his
servants and gave them each a villager, which they all
immediately teared open and insanely slurped their brains out.
Still the Evil One wasn't satified and one by one he slowly
slaughtered the remaining humans. One male was completely
splattered by one of his fists, another one lay convulsing in his
own life fluid, slowly life ebbed away from him. Another female
caught his eye, only this time she wasn't as pretty as he had
hoped, this made him even more angry and he started cutting her
skin open using the nails from his front paws, blood was spouting
from the woman's vains covering him in red.... Gladly he opened
her skull and took out her brains, which he smelled and
swallowed. For the first time he used some sort of tool on the
next poor soul, it was a meatgrinder, in which he stuffed the
human causing a confetti of flesh, scattered helplessly across
the ground. His evil laugh could be heard three miles from there,
shaking the ground, causing houses to collapse and trees to fall
down. Morbid screams of pain and agony ruled the air afterwards.
Nothing remained, only the scattered remains of human bodies.
And yet the Evil One continued his hidious task by burning the
few living souls that still roamed the cursed land, with his
Again using his nails he neatly carved pentagrams into their
lifeless corpses. It was a feast of blood and destruction that
hit the entire world by surprise, nobody could have foreseen the
end that came so fast. The Evil One was delighted and danced upon
the cavities of his victims, there were no witnesses to his deed,
cause he had eaten them all.
Choking the remaining bodies into his mouth, he opened the
ground and went back to his burning dome of fire, deep down into
the most evil parts of hell......
-TS, The Evil One
This story was inspired by the lyrics from Slayer, Tanis, the
movies Hellraiser, Hellbound, Evil Dead I, Evil Dead II and the
great noise produced by Carcass.
Hilk & Hjilk
by Evil TS (SOD) and SKAARG
On a stormy sunday afternoon Hilk and Hjilk were playing a game
of ultracricket and Hjilk asked himself: "Who am I, what is my
purpose in life ?" (No, he didn't.....Yes, he did!!.....No, he
didn't!!) Well, alright, he asked himself: "Why am I not scoring
He found out that this was because there was a rather large
polar bear blocking his way. "Hm...", he thought, "there's a
rather large polar bear blocking my way" and exactly at that
moment the bear exploded and was thrilled to pieces. Once this
problem had solved itself, Hjilk started to score some points at
last. Suddenly, dusk fell and severely hurt it's ankle. Hjilk
wanted to go home, because his wife had promised to make him his
favourite of all favourites: Small pebbles that tend to float on
water (in exactly the same way that bricks don't) stewed in a
nice hot tarmac sauce. Hilk heard his friend wanted to leave and
was so thrown back by the idea that the hair which covered most
of his face and handpalms started to turn red, but not quite red,
more of a purple kind of colour that's closer to blue than
green.(Still with me?)
And suddenly he shouted: "Birma!!!!!" Hjilk was thinking he
ought to be surprised and asked his friend: "Why did you say
"I panicked!", stated Hilk after he had stopped pulling his hair
Then Hjilk said: "Penguins don't come from Birma!!"
"I never said they did!", said Hilk.
"Yes, but just in case you intend to say it later on", said
A penguin that just flew over from Birma and had overheard their
silly conversation shouted: "Yes, we do!", first in his own voice
and then in a strange high-pitched skweek and promptly exploded
into a big cloud of penguin dust and dead parrots.
Once Hilk and Hjilk had brushed themselves clean of the penguin
debris, they turned and left for home. On their way home through
the pangalactic hyperforest with exploding ducks and pigs all
around them they noticed what a beautiful silk sunset it was. By
this time they had arrived at Hjilk's hot-teacup-shaped house
which he affectionately called: "P.G TIPS". As they entered
through the round-teabag-shaped door, the smell of the above
mentioned meal hit him like a slice of lemon wrapped around a
large golden brick. His wife slithered towards him and greeted
him with a friendly sblopskiwrutl sound, Hjilk threw his arms
around her and kissed her on the bottom of
her....er....well...er...shape, which made the usual blubbery
She blubbered: "Dinner will be ready in a tick, so if you and
your friend would like to make yourself comfortable, you can go
and sit in our room that makes you feel comfortable" and so they
By a strange coincidence there was a large tank of fish sitting
on the couch. When our semi-heroes enter the room it says: "Oh,
I'm sorry" and retreats to it's rightful place on the comfy-
chair. (Oh no, not the comfy-chair!! Copyright 1587, the Spanish
They went and watched the fish who were swimming aimlessly as
fish do more often than not. Hilk was just about to say: "Oh,
that blue one over there is ugly", when the object of his
thinking explodes without notifying the two friends beforehand.
The other fish present in the tank follow this devastating
example and immediately explode too.
Without warning a penguin flies into the room in his private jet
with a sign round his neck saying: BIRMA PENGUINS inc. He opens
the cockpit door and parachutes on top of the burnt out fishtank
and demands to know a short-cut to the Northern Ice Sea, but as
soon as the last words passes his lips (lips? what lips?) he
Than Hjilk's wife blubbers: "Dinner is served!". Hilk and Hjilk
sit down at the dinner table and say grace. (Oh lord, thanx for
Whilst eating, Hilk asks Hjilk: "Have you noticed the large
number of exploding animals we've come across today?" To which
Hjilk's answer is:
"Yes, that's true, very well noticed, Hilk. I wonder why?" His
wife says: "Oh, it's nothing dear, probably just the season for
"Yes," say Hilk and Hjilk, "that must be it" and both explode
into a pile of Brussels sprouts.
(No, it isn't. KABLAM!! Silence....)
I've read quite a few articles in quite a few issues of ST NEWS
and some of them were pretty weird, but I haven't read one that
was purely based on total nonsense, so now I'm going to try to
achieve this task in the following story.
- Evil TS of the Spirits Of Doom.
A certain day
I wake up from some sort of subconsious dozing and I look around
I see a wall or something else made out of stone before me.
Everything around me seems to be held in some sort of greyish
A bit further on I see a piece of fabric or paper or maybe
plastic and it has a strange redish colour....or is it more
I try to stand up from the wooden thingy I am currently lying
I am now standing in the the weird looking chamber (I'm calling
it a chamber cause I don't have another word for it), when I
slowly move towards the stone thing in front of me another
strange looking object is cathing my eye...
It is presumably made out of wood and it has a piece of shining
metal stuck on it...
When I touch the metal it moves and the wooden object starts to
move in my direction....slowly but surely it moves further
towards me and at a certain point it stops revealing a void or
something behind it....
I then walk very carefully into this strange void and am
immediately startled by the size of this void that seems to be
quite empty realy... but when I look a little closer I can make
out certain objects, weird looking wooden and iron chunks with
coloured things on them. I slowly proceed towards a wooden thingy
that stands in the corner of the not so empty any more void. It
has the most ugly shape I've ever encountered, it is very chunky
shaped and has pieces of wood stretched in front of it that are
one by one put on a higher position then the previous one. I try
to stand on one of the pieces of wood and succeed in balancing
myself on top of it. Then I step on top of the next and then the
the one after the next one and slowly move higher and higher on
When I reach the top I again see another void before me that
after examining also seems to be not so empty than after the
first look I had at it. Again as in the other void I can make out
another one of those wooden things, but now it is positioned in
the middle of the void that I would now like to refer to as
"ROOM". I then start to climb this wooden thing and again succeed
in reaching the top of it, this time it was a lot easier because
this one wasn't as big as the previous. The room that is on top
of the wooden thing is very white, a large what seems to be stone
rectencular object is in the center of the room and other chunks
of brown are stationed in various other parts of the room. Than
my eye is caught by yet another wooden thingy with one of those
pieces of iron on it....
I immediatley try to move the iron piece and happily fulfill
this task with the greatest of ease. Behind it is yet another
room with a very large one of those wooden things that takes you
to a higher altitude, also there is a very big wooden thingy with
lots of metal on it. I also succeed in moving this particular
item and find myself in a realy huge room behind it, it is very
cold in here. the ceiling of this room is blue coloured with
white blurs scattered on it. I also see various chunks of metal
that are each coloured differently. I am getting realy confused
due to all this and sit down on the grey coloured ground. Than
suddenly I make out one of those metal chunks that is moving at
great velocity towards me, I wonder why...?
Suddenly everything is dark and silent...
Do you catch my drift? well....me neither....
A LESSON IN BEING ALERT
A certain person is walking down the street one day. He looks
around for a moment and concludes that he is standing in the
middle of a cross-road. he isn't really sure if he's supposed to
be there. Because, so he is thinking, maybe he doesn't belong on
this particular ball of dirt that seems to float eternally in
space, maybe there has been made a mistake by some sort of god or
another kind of pandimensional being that has put him in the
Suddenly, a small green creature appears out of thin air(this is
ofcourse impossible) and introduces himself to this certain
person, his name is Head, Dick Head. The certain person than asks
if he is a member of Inner Circle, but the creature denies this.
Then the certain person notices at last the strange situation he
finds himself in, he was now standing in the middle of a
crossroads with a strange creature in front of him.
Silence..... Than the creature starts to speak again and asks
the certain person for his name. The certain person is now a bit
baffled by this strange question, because it isn't very common
for certain persons to be asked their names by strange creatures
that suddenly appear from thin air. But he regains his attitude
again and tells the strange creature that his name is indeed
Mr.Bucket, Scum Bucket, that is.
The creature than reaches into a hole in the space-time
continuum, that he had just created by blowing his nose, and
pulls out a very old looking envelope and hands this to the
certain person who is now known to us by the name of Scum Bucket.
Scum opens the envelope and reaches inside, he pulls out a letter
which he starts to read. After reading the letter and while
reading it making strange noises of surprise, disappointment and
thirst (the third noise is quite ridiculous of course) he drops
the letter and he looks at the creature in sheer amazement, he
had been right!
There realy HAD been made a mistake, he was put on the wrong
location! Scum is now very happy and starts to dance around the
small creature who watches him with a very witty look on his
face. Scum tells the small creature that the letter had informed
him about a terrible mistake that was made by one of the gods
that had the job of putting people in the right places, he
actually shouldn't be on this particular spot, he should be
somewhere else! All he had to do was sign the contract that was
included in the envelope and he would immediately be taken to his
right location! he didn't waste any of his precious time and
signed the contract, he was already using his fantasy to imagine
the place where he might be taken he imagined this beautifull
green planeet, with no pollution, no politics, no Stock-Aitken
and Waterman, no New Kids on the Block and no worry of arriving
late at work cause he wouldn't have to work at all! Wow, he realy
was lucky this time..... Then he hears a loud KADABABOOM!!! and
the next thing he knows he is being run over by a train......
The moral of this story is: always read the small lines on any
contract your about to sign(especially the ones that are given to
you by small green creatures that appear from thin air and can
create holes in the space-time continuum by blowing there nose).
Thank you for your time.
ODE TO ST NEWS
Oh ST NEWS, so beautiful and fine,
it is for you, that I write this rhyme.
Your articles so nice and funny,
they are as sweet as a drop of honey.
You will always be the same,
at the top is where you'll remain.
As a disk mag you'll always be my friend,
above the others is where you stand.....
Thank you, thank you, sorry no autographs, why don't you read
the story below and leave ME in peace with my latest issue of ST
by TS of the Spirits of Doom
"I say fuck you, loud and clear!!", the Getto Boys rape Trilq's
eardrums while he is chilling his body in all sorts of forms. For
your information, Trilq is a distant relativ of the Ravenous
Bugblattered Beast of Traal, namely the Tremendous Bellbottomed
Bear of Blur.
"Size ain't shit!!", shouts bushwick, the most hardcore rapper
around, Trilq is now violently dancing through his room and
almost kicks his stereo to the ground, "She begged me not to kill
her, so I gave her a rose, than I slit her throat and watched her
shake till her eyes closed. Had sex with the corpse and before I
left her, I drew my name on the wall like Helter Skelter.... This
goes on in the mind of a Lunatic!!", when this song begins Trilq
really goes mad and starts to dance even faster through his room
and the obvious happens: his stereo receives a lethal hit by one
of his five feet, looses balance and smashes to the floor,
abruptly ending the music.
For a few seconds Trilq stands disorientated in the middle of
his room, than he realises the damage he's done and starts to
cry. (you have to know, of course, that the Tremendous
Bellbottomed Bear of Blur is a very emotional being and starts to
cry in the strangest of situations.)
After having wetted the floor for about three hours, Trilq dries
his tears and decides to take a walk in the mountains to forget
the terrible death of his stereo.
Having arrived at the base of the mountains, he puts on his
climbing gear and starts to walk. (The climbing gear is, of
course, totally needless, because the mountain path is paved with
golden bricks and there is also an elevator available, but this
is just for the idea.(The climbing gear))
The wind blows nicely through his hair and Trilq is feeling much
better now, suddenly he steps on a few small pebbles that lie on
the ground, he slips, falls to the ground and the pebbles fall
down along the mountainside. Trilq made a nasty fall and lands on
his head, he starts to cry again, but after five minutes he
forgets why he was crying in the first place, so he stops crying
and commences his journey. Arriving at a nice picknickspot, Trilq
looks up in the sky and sees a flying saucer coming towards him,
the machine stops in front of him and an alien in uniform steps
out. "Sorry sir, but I am the official picknickspot guard and I
have to inform you that picknickspots are nowadays an endangered
species, so I'll have to forbid you to have a picknick on this
spot", says the alien.
Then Trilq replies:" But how on Trilqiano can I have a picknick
on a different spot? If I have a picknick at another spot that
spot will automatically be a picknick spot too?"
"Sorry sir, but I'm payed to forbid people to have a picknick on
a protected picknick spot, not to solve the problems of the first
stupid alien lifeform that I come across!", with these words the
alien stepped back in his craft and took off.
Trilq was really pissed off by the previous argument and on top
of that he now fully realised in what way his life was getting to
be extremely fucked up, first his girlfriend broke up with him,
then he smashed up his stereo by accident and now this alien who
ruines his picknick. He still didn't quite understand why his
girlfriend broke up with him in the first place, all he had done
was give her a ring that he bought on some dull planet called
earth, but when she looked at the box she threw it in his face
and ran away with the words that her name wasn't Tiffany!!
Fortunately the sun begins to shine a little brighter to cheer
him up and Trilq soon gets his good mood back and goes on with
Unfortunately after a few minutes the sun thinks his job of
cheering people up has been enough and disappears behind a few
very dark clouds and within a second it starts to rain cats and
dogs on top of Trilq and he is instantly soaked, now he was like
Trilq quickly runs back home, but when he arrives at his house
it appears to be covered by an avalanche and completely
destroyed. Trilq can't fight his tears anymore and starts to cry
again, three months later he is found dead on this spot. Cause of
Roland: Marcel, quit reading that stupid mag or I'll rip your
genitals off your lower body, you filthy farting
Roland: (faint) (loud noise of someone falling on the ground)
Roland: (even more fainting) (louder noise of someone falling
on the ground)
Marcel: AAAAAAAAHHHHH (sound of satisfaction)
Roland: Huh, huh, where am I? Who am I? Why am I? How am I?
Marcel: You're on the planet Fart, You're Roland, I don't
know, in a very bad shape judging by your face.
Roland: What is this place, yuk!! and what's that smell? It
smells like rotting eggs that have been thrown up by a
dog that has had his last bath about ten years ago!!
Marcel: Let's play some music!!
Roland: But we haven't got a CD player or any CD's!!
Marcel: Oh yes we have, I've got my origami paper with me,
just give me a minute and I'll fold a nice one with
digital display and super turbo retrorockets for you.
Here you are, a beautiful CD player!
Roland: Wow,I didn't know you could do that!
Marcel: Hey, on this planet you can do anything!
Roland: Realy? Can I even drink a pangalactic gargle blaster
without getting severe braindamage?
Marcel: What's a ganpalactic bargle glaster?
Roland: Never mind....
Marcel: Okay, what do we do now. Let's have a fight. On second
thought let's go to the arcades!!!
Roland: That's alright with me, but where are the arcades?
Marcel: Oh, right here, I've got a bottle full of them. See?
nice blue and yellow ones.
Roland: This place sure is weird....
Marcel: Yeah, but so are we, so we should get along fine here.
Roland: Right then, let's swallow them arcades and play some
serious games of Teenage Mutant Ninja Farts.
Marcel: Swallow? Don't you know anything? Arcades shouldn't be
swallowed, it gives you green ears and elephant
toenails. What you should do with them is wet them
with your lips and stick them in your nose.
Roland: OK, here I go. (wet,wet,stick in nose...KABLAMM...lots
Marcel: Great! we're here! Let's kick those aliens over there
away from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Farts machine and
let's do some farting.
Roland: Yeah, come on. Hey, eggsucking pangalactians! Get your
stinkin' ass away from that machine or I'll kick you
in the ass so hard, that your breath will smell like
Roland: At last, they're gone, now let's play!!
Marcel: Hey, the bleedin' thing don't work! The bloody aliens
fucked the machine up by trying to what seems to be
sticking their dick into the slot instead of a coin!
Roland: Shit, what do we do now?
Marcel: AiDunno, Why don't we just stop making up this
ridiculous story and watch Married with Children.
Roland: No, it hasn't started yet, so I guess we'll have to
continue with it for a little longer.
Marcel: Allright, let's make the reader believe that we're
somewhere stranded on a strange planet called Fart!!
Roland: We allready did that!
Marcel: Did we? Oh, and why wasn't I notified?
Roland: You helped me with it, for god's sake!
Marcel: Did I? Well, no use making a fuss about now, so let's
just get on with it while the reader still thinks
we're really on this planet.
Roland: That's more like it! Let's go to those mountains over
Marcel: What mountains?
Roland: The ones I just made up of course, stupid!
Marcel: Oh, right, yeah, come on!
Roland: Wow, this is wicked! Look at that shadow up there in
the sky! What is it? a bird? a plane? Terry Wogan?
Supersound? No, it's a dragon
Marcel: A dragon? Boy, you certainly have a wild imagination.
Oh, well, I'll just play along. AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH,
he's eating my leg!! Roland, help me, I'm dying!!
Roland: Hold on, Marcel, here I come!! AAARRRGGGHHH, he's
gotten me as well!! AAAAAHHHHH, we'll both die!!!
Marcel: Yes, we will. By the way, what's the time?
Roland: Um, let me see... twenty to ten. Shit, Married with
Children is on!! We gotta stop this!!
Marcel: Yeah, quit the biting dragon, the show is over, We're
going to watch TV, sorry to have bothered you!!
Dragon: Damned tourists, they think they can get away with
Roland: Oh, shut up, you overgrown lizard you don't even
Dragon: Oh yes, you're right!! Pouf (sound of a puff of logic)
Roland: I'll catch you later, dear reader, why don't you just
get on with reading some of the articles in this issue
that make a little MORE sense than this one.
By Evil TS and DJ MWK
The ST NEWS editor wishes to apologize for the 48K of revolt
that just passed your eyes. I hope that your faith in mankind
hasn't been destroyed. I mean this is just some foul beings that
are beyond salvage. Just think of it as the dog turd that you
step into when you are wearing your new shoes. Inevitable as
life, the SODs!!!
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.