"Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!"
"Q: Why don't employers give blondes coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to re-train them."
"Q: Why did the blond(e) get fired from the M&M factory?
A: (S)He kept on throwing out the w's."
"Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear."
"Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 'What's a lightbulb?'"
"A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The
brunette says suddenly, 'Awww, look at the dead birdie'.
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, 'Where?'"
HIDDEN ARTICLE NUMBER TWO
THE SHIT LIST
Another one of those funny article found in and pinched off the
Untouchables disk mag. Thanks, Matt. We love you sincerely,
deeply and devoutly.
Finally, one of the first hidden article does NOT contain any
dirty song lyrics or any of the other usual stuff. Where would we
BE without UNT (gettit - it rhymes).
That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit
on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet.
CLEAN SHIT, or TEFLON COATED SHIT
The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but
there is nothing on the toilet paper. Make sure you look in
the toilet to make sure you've actually done it.
RIGHT NOW SHIT
You'd better be within ten seconds of a toilet. Usually it
has its head out before you get your pants down.
WET SHIT, or GOOEY SHIT
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still
feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between
your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a
brown stain. On top of that, it leaves sortof permanent skid
marks in the toilet.
SECOND WAVE SHIT
It happens when you're done shitting. You've pulled your
pants up to your knees, and then you realize that you have
to shit some more.
BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT, or POP A VEIN IN YOUR
FOREHEAD SHIT The kind where you strain so much to get it
out that you practically have a stroke. This shit is reported
to have killed Elvis.
SPLIT INFINITY SHIT, or BALI BELLY SHIT
The kind of shit where you shit so much you lose 30 pounds.
SUBMARINE LOG SHIT, or KING KONG SHIT, or COMMODE CHOCKER SHIT
The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush
the toilet without breaking it up into a few pieces. This
usually tends to happen at someone else's place.
That's the kind of shit you have the morning after a long
night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread
marks left in the bottom of the toilet. The BEER DRUNK SHIT
variety is particularly smelly, too, and will usually occur
when someone is waiting to use the bathroom.
"GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT
It's the kind where you want to shit, but all you do is sit
on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP SHIT
That's the kind that hurts so much coming out that you swear
it's leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS SHIT, or POWER DUMP
That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your
butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
The kind where a yellowish-brown fluid shoots out of your
butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the
whole time chronically burning your anus.
MEXICAN FOOD SHIT, or SCREAMER SHIT
A class all it's own. You'll know it's alright to eat again
once your arsehole stops burning.
CORK SHIT, or FLOATER SHIT
Even after the third flush it's still there. How to get rid
of it? This also usually happens at someone else's place.
That's shit...er...that's it.
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.