THE COMPLETE AND, INDEED, *UNABRIDGED* FILMSCRIPT TO
*** THE MEANING OF LIFE ***
Transcribed by Jason R. Heimbaugh
Further edited and slightly enhanced by Richard C. Karsmakers
THE MEANING OF LIFE
GROWTH AND LEARNING
[A school chapel.]
Headmaster: And spotteth twice they the camels before the third
hour. And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh
Bilgemath by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-
Betheul-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and
the tent peg to the house of Rashomon, and there slew they the
goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. Here endeth
[The Headmaster closes the Bible. the Chaplain rises.]
Chaplain: Let us praise God. Oh Lord...
Congregation: Oh Lord...
Chaplain: Oooh you are so big...
Congregation: Oooh you are so big...
Chaplain: So absolutely huge.
Congregation: So ab - solutely huge.
Chaplain: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here I can tell
Congregation: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here I can
Chaplain: Forgive Us, O Lord, for this dreadful toadying.
Congregation: And barefaced flattery.
Chaplain: But you are so strong and, well, just so super.
Congregation: Fan - tastic.
Headmaster: Amen. Now two boys have been found rubbing linseed
oil into the school cormorant. Now some of you may feel that the
cormorant does not play an important part in the life of the
school but I remind you that it was presented to us by the
Corporation of the town of Sudbury to commemorate Empire Day,
when we try to remember the names of all those from the Sudbury
area so gallantly gave their lives to keep China British. So from
now on the cormorant is strictly out of bounds. Oh... and
Jenkins... apparently your mother died this morning. [He turns to
the Chaplain.] Chaplain.
[The congregation rises and the Chaplain leads them in singing.]
[Chaplain and Congregation]
Oh Lord, please don't burn us,
Don't grill or toast your flock,
Don't put us on the barbecue,
Or simmer us in stock,
Don't braise or bake or boil us,
Or stir-fry us in a wok...
Oh please don't lightly poach us,
Or baste us with hot fat,
Don't fricassee or roast us,
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick thy servants Lord,
In a Rotissomat...
[A classroom. The boys are sitting quietly studying.]
Boy: He's coming!
[Pandemonium breaks out. The Headmaster walks in.]
Headmaster: All right, settle down, settle down. [He puts his
papers down.] Now before I begin the lesson will those of you who
are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down on
to the lower peg immediately after lunch before you write your
letter home, if you're not getting your hair cut, unless you've
got a younger brother who is going out this weekend as the guest
of another boy, in which case collect his note before lunch, put
it in your letter after you've had your hair cut, and make sure
he moves your clothes down onto the lower peg for you. Now...
Headmaster: Yes, Wymer?
Wymer: My younger brother's going out with Dibble this weekend,
sir, but I'm not having my hair cut today sir, so do I move my
clothes down or...
Headmaster: I do wish you'd listen, Wymer, it's perfectly
simple. If you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have
to move your brother's clothes down to the lower peg, you simply
collect his note before lunch after you've done your scripture
prep when you've written your letter home before rest, move your
own clothes on to the lower peg, greet the visitors, and report
to Mr Viney that you've had your chit signed. Now, sex... sex,
sex, sex, where were we?
[Silence from form. A lot of hard thinking of the type indulged
by schoolboys who know they don't know the answer.]
Headmaster: Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the
Pupils: Er... er... no sir. No we didn't, sir.
Headmaster: Well had I done foreplay?
Pupils: ...Yes sir.
Headmaster: Well, as we all know about foreplay no doubt you can
tell me what the purpose of foreplay is... Biggs.
Biggs: Don't know, sorry sir.
Carter: Er... was it taking your clothes off, sir?
Headmaster: And after that?
Wymer: Putting them on the lower peg sir?
[Headmaster throws a board duster at him and hits him.]
Headmaster: The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to
lubricate so that the penis can penetrate more easily.
Watson: Could we have a window open please sir?
Headmaster: Yes... Harris will you?... And, of course, to cause
the man's penis to erect and har...den. Now, did I do vaginal
juices last week oh do pay attention Wadsworth, I know it's
Friday afternoon oh watching the football are you boy - right
move over there. I'm warning you I may decide to set an exam this
Pupils: Oh sir...
Headmaster: So just listen... now did I or did I not do vaginal
Pupils: Yes sir.
Headmaster: Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.
Watson: Rubbing the clitoris, sir.
Headmaster: What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hm? Why not start her
off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for
the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.
Wymer: Suck the nipple, sir.
Headmaster: Good. Good. Good, well done, Wymer.
Duckworth: Stroking the thighs, sir.
Headmaster: Yes, I suppose so.
Another: Bite the neck.
Headmaster: Good. Nibbling the ear. Kneading the buttocks, and
so on and so forth. So we have all these possibilities before we
stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.
Watson: Yes sir. Sorry sir.
Headmaster: All these forms of stimulation can now take place.
[The Headmaster pulls the bed down.]
Headmaster: ... And of course tongueing will give you the best
idea of how the juices are coming along. [Calls.] Helen... Now
penetration and coitus, that is to say intercourse up to and
[Mrs Williams has entered.]
Headmaster: Ah hallo, dear.
[The pupils have shuffled more or less to their feet.]
Headmaster: *Do* stand up when my wife enters the room, Carter.
Carter: Oh sorry, sir. Sorry.
Mrs Williams: Humphrey, I hope you don't mind, but I told the
Garfields we *would* dine with them tonight.
Headmaster: [starting to disrobe] Yes, yes, I suppose we must...
Mrs Williams: [taking off her clothes] I said we'd be there by
Headmaster: Well at least it'll give me a reason to wind up the
Mrs Williams: Well I know you don't like them but I couldn't
make another excuse.
Headmaster: [he's got his shirt off] Well it's just that I felt
- Wymer. This is for your benefit. Will you kindly wake up. I've
no intention of going through this all again. [The boys are no
more interested than they were in the last lesson on the Binomial
Theorem, though they pretend, as usual.] Now we'll take the
foreplay as read, if you don't mind, dear.
Mrs Williams: No of course not, Humphrey.
Headmaster: So the man starts by entering, or mounting his good
lady wife in the standard way. The penis is now as you will
observe more or less fully erect. There we are. Ah that's better.
Carter: Yes sir.
Headmaster: What is it?
Carter: It's an ocarina... sir.
Headmaster: Bring it up here. The man now starts making
thrusting movements with his pelvic area, moving the penis up and
down inside the vagina so... put it there boy, put it there... on
the table... while the wife maximizes her clitoral stimulation by
the shaft of the penis by pushing forward, thank you dear... now
as sexual excitement mounts... what's funny Biggs?
Biggs: Oh, nothing sir.
Headmaster: Oh do please share your little joke with the rest of
us... I mean, obviously something frightfully funny's going on...
Biggs: No, honestly, sir.
Headmaster: Well as it's so funny I think you'd better be
selected to play for the boys' team in the rugby match against
the masters this afternoon.
Biggs: [looks horrified] Oh no, sir.
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.