THE COMPLETE AND, INDEED, *UNABRIDGED* FILMSCRIPT TO
*** THE MEANING OF LIFE ***
Transcribed by Jason R. Heimbaugh
Further edited and slightly enhanced by Richard C. Karsmakers
THE MEANING OF LIFE
[A hotel lobby. The lift doors open.]
[Mrs Hendy is bending down in front of Mr Hendy, doing something
of an intimate nature to his camera lens.]
Mr Hendy: Oh that's much better. Thank you honey.
Mrs Hendy: You're welcome.
Mr Hendy: It was sort of misty before. That's fine.
[A strange girl in a crinoline steps forward. This is M'Lady
Joeline. played by Mr Gilliam.]
Joeline: Hi! How are you?
Mr Hendy: We're just fine.
Joeline: So what kind of food you like to eat this evening?
Mr Hendy: Well we sort of like pineapples...
Mrs Hendy: Yeah anything with pineapples in is great for us...
Joeline: Well, how about the Dungeon Room?
Mr Hendy: Oh that sounds fine...
Joeline: Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food served in an authentic
medieval English dungeon atmosphere...
[Suddenly a red hot brand sears the flesh of some poor wretch.
This is the restaurant. Dark, full of torture instruments,
stocks, Chamber of Horrors stuff.]
[They sit down. A waitress dressed in a grotesque travesty of a
Beefeater's outfit, comes up.]
Waitress: Hello, I'm Diana, I'm your waitress for tonight...
Where are you from?
Mr and Mrs Hendy: We're from Room 259.
Mr Hendy: Where are you from?
Waitress: [pointing to kitchen] Oh I'm from the doors over
Mr Hendy: Oh.
Mrs Hendy: Great...
Waitress: [reaching across to the central serving table] Iced
Mrs Hendy: Oh thank you...
Mr Hendy: Thank you *very* much...
Mr Hendy: Oh lovely... real nice...
Mr Hendy: Oh... that's fine...
Mrs Hendy: Yeah that's swell...
[The Waitress dumps a T.V. down on the table.]
Mr Hendy: Er... telephone...?
Waitress: You can phone any other table in the restaurant after
Mr Hendy: Oh that's great...
Mrs Hendy: Some choice...
Mr Hendy: Yeah, right...
Waitress: O.K.... D'you want any food with your meal?
Mr Hendy: Well, what d'you have?
Waitress: Well we have things shaped like this in green or we
have things shaped like that in brown...
Mr Hendy: What d'you think darling?
Mrs Hendy: Well it *is* our anniversary, Marvin...
Mr Hendy: Yeah... what the hell... we'll have a couple of the
things shaped like that in brown, please...
Waitress: O.K. fine... thank you sir... [She writes]... 2 brown
Number 259... and will you be having intercourse tonight...?
Mr Hendy: Er... do we have to decide now...?
Mrs Hendy: Sounds a good idea honey. I mean it sounds swell. I
mean why not?
Mr Hendy: Yeah, right... could be fun...
[Waitress takes out a condom and slaps it on the table.]
Waitress: Compliments of the Super Inn - Have a nice fuck!
Mr Hendy: Oh, thank you.
Waitress: You're welcome...
Mr Hendy: [reads:] 'Super Inn Skins' - that's nice.
[Suddenly a Hawaiian band comes through the door and surrounds
Mr and Mrs Hendy at their table, before leaving them to their own
devices, which are not many. There is a long silence.]
Waiter: Good evening... would you care for something to talk
[He hands them each a menu card with a list of subjects on.]
Mr Hendy: Oh that would be wonderful.
Waiter: Our special tonight is minorities...
Mr Hendy: Oh that sounds interesting...
Mrs Hendy: What's this conversation here...?
Waiter: Oh that's football... you can talk about the Steelers-
Bears game, Saturday... or you could reminisce about really great
World Series -
Mrs Hendy: No... no, no.
Mr Hendy: What's this one here?
Waiter: That's philosophy.
Mrs Hendy: Is that a sport?
Waiter: No it's more of an attempt to construct a viable
hypothesis to explain the Meaning of Life.
[The fish in the tank suddenly prick up their fins.]
Fish: What's he say, eh?
Mr Hendy: Oh that sounds wonderful... Would you like to talk
about the Meaning of Life, darling...?
Mrs Hendy: Sure, why not?
Waiter: Philosophy for two?
Mr Hendy: Right...
Waiter: You folks want me to start you off?
Mr Hendy: Oh really we'd appreciate that...
Waiter: OK. Well er... look, have you ever wondered just why
Mr Hendy: Well... we went to Miami last year and California the
year before that, and we've...
Waiter: No, no... I mean why *we're* here. On this planet?
Mr Hendy: [guardedly]... N... n... nope.
Waiter: Right! Have you ever *wanted* to know what it's all
Mr Hendy: [emphatically] No!
Waiter: Right ho! Well, see, throughout history there have been
certain men and women who have tried to find the solution to the
mysteries of existence.
Mrs Hendy: Great.
Waiter: And we call these guys 'philosophers'.
Mrs Hendy: And that's what we're talking about!
Mrs Hendy: That's neat!
Waiter: Well you look like you're getting the idea, so why don't
I give you these conversation cards - they'll tell you a little
about philosophical method, names of famous philosophers... there
y'are. Have a nice conversation!
Mr Hendy: Thank you! Thank you very much.
Mrs Hendy: He's cute.
Mr Hendy: Yeah, real understanding.
[They sit and look at the cards, then rather formally and
uncertainly Mrs Hendy opens the conversation.]
Mrs Hendy: Oh! I never knew that *Schopenhauer* was a
Mr Hendy: Oh yeah... He's the one that begins with an S.
Mrs Hendy: Oh...
Mr Hendy: ... Um [pause]... like Nietzsche...
Mrs Hendy: Does Nietzsche begin with an S?
Mr Hendy: There's an S in Nietzsche...
Mrs Hendy: Oh wow! Yes there is. Do all philosophers have an S
Mr Hendy: Yeah I think most of them do.
Mrs Hendy: Oh!... Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher?
Mr Hendy: Yeah... Right, she could be... she sings about the
Meaning of Life.
Mrs Hendy: Yeah, that's right, but I don't think she writes her
Mr Hendy: No. Maybe Schopenhauer writes her material?
Mrs Hendy: No... Burt Bacharach writes is.
Mr Hendy: There's no 'S' in Burt Bacharach...
Mrs Hendy: ... Or in Hal David...
Mr Hendy: Who's Hal David?
Mrs Hendy: He writes the lyrics, Burt just writes the tunes...
only now he's married to Carole Bayer Sager...
Mr Hendy: Oh... Waiter... this conversation isn't very good.
Waiter: Oh, I'm sorry, sir... We *do* have one today that's not
on the menu. It's a sort of... er... speciality of the house.
Live Organ Transplants.
Mrs Hendy: Live Organ Transplants? What's *that*?
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.