Dedication Time

Oh beautiful Norway, I worship thee
Yet in the crystal ball I foresee
Thy beauty might not last long
To be captured in yet another song
For thou art inhabited by madmen
Living alongside yonder glen
Frøystein and Torbjørn are but two
Ronny completes this crazy crew
Writing letters, insane and immense
Even audio tapes offer their suspense
But the worst has yet to be
When two Dutchmen come to visit thee
Plantiac, ST NEWS and deafening cries
Will come to see thy Winter skies
Oh beautiful Norway, what lies ahead?
It's the Dutchies you should dread!
An anonymous poet that would be stinkin' rich
if he'd published this poem. But he didn't, so
he's now still poor and chasing dreams.........
(And lying in the gutter, clutching a brown paper bag)

REVELATION TIME by Richard Karsmakers

Now it is time to reveal why we dedicated this issue of ST NEWS
to a rather large group of people instead of the usual individual
(like a girl, or guitarist, or programmer): It's revelation time!

The story is like this...

Early in 1987, I received a package from someone called Ronny
Hatlemark. He sent empty disks to put ST NEWS on, an enchanting
postcard of fjords and his hometown Ørsta, and a note in which he
stated that he would love to become the ST NEWS foreign
distributor for Norway, where he lived.
He indeed became the ST NEWS foreign distributor for Norway, and
it turned out to be one of my best bets. Ronny succeeded in
creating a vast reader's circle in Norway, and really was a very
good distributor - like all our distribitors should be!

That was the end of the story.
Or was it?

When Stefan took over ST NEWS, his typical humour was more and
more present throughout the issues. Way up north, in Norway to be
more specific, Ronny was still distributing ST NEWS. But when he
read this change in style, he decided not only to spread the
disks, but also to start writing communications that were
henceforth to be known as 'the Crazy Letters'.
Ronny and Stefan wrote the silliest and sometimes utterly absurd
letters to each other, and a good friendship between the two
flourished.
Soon, Ronny became without doubt our most avid reader. Someone
that made making ST NEWS worth while. Stefan and I had even more
fun making the issues, and everything went on as it had been
going: With enthusiasm and pleasure, we created ST NEWS issue
after issue.

End of story?!
No!!

Another ethusiastic (and equally crazy) Norwegian started
writing, too. His name was Frøystein Hustadnes and he lived in
Austefjorden. First he only wrote to Stefan, but now he writes
with yours truly as well. If you ask me, Frøystein can even be
considered to be crazier than Ronny. And Frøystein also wrote
VERY LONG letters. An excerpt from one of his letters was
contained in the previous issue of ST NEWS - the article about
the earth being flat. Just like Ronny's letters, those written by
Frøystein also displayed fantastic use of English in a very
humorous style, and a sense of humour that's unparalleled.

Yes. The Norwegians ARE crazy.
But is this the end of the story?
No! Not by a long shot!!

The latest proof of the Norwegians being extremely and honestly
crazy reached Stefan the day before we finished ST NEWS Volume 4
Issue 2. There was an audio tape in the mail. Now this is nothing
to get all too excited about. But it wasn't some home taped piece
of music, and not even a highly exclusive Yngwie J. Malmsteen
concert bootleg tape; instead, it featured Ronny and a good
friend of his, Torbjørn, talking. The tape also featured some
Norwegian music as well as some GREAT Malmsteen stuff.
Stefan wouldn't be Stefan if he wouldn't answer to that
appropriately, whereby he was faithfully assisted by yours truly:
The sixty minutes of Ronny and his friend were enough to inspire
us to send them back THREE HOURS of Stefan'n'me! Metallica,
Napalm Death, Sodom, burps, breakfast sounds, assorted people
yelling in the microphone, us two getting awfully drunk....a true
'real time' tape!! Nothing was too mad for us when we made the
tape. There were sounds of Stefan in the morning shower, sounds
of beernuts being dropped in a small wooden bowl, sounds of Dutch
money falling to the ground, and of course enormous amounts of
chatting (and even us singing Dutch songs and crying Metallica
choruses).
If these crazy Norwegians would now still react, this would
prove that they truly were our kind of guys. The idea about an ST
NEWS Home Vid' tape to be made especially for Ronny and his
friends ripened in our sick minds. Another idea also ripened: Why
not visit Norway in the winter, and create an ST NEWS issue
there?

And?! Did Ronny and his friends answer?
Or was this REALLY the end of the story?
No. Not by the length of a ten-foot battle lance...

When Stefan came to visit my place, a week later, we wrote a 60
Kb 'crazy letter' to Frøystein. The letter featured stuff that
would be quite inappropriate to quote here, but the main thing
was filled by enormous stories about religious nuts and a fight
involving reli-nuts of various sects , reli-nut-kids, Cronos,
Korik, a girl on our floor called Miranda and Stefan'n'me; it
even touched the borders of X-rated material.
Later that week, Stefan indeed received a letter from Ronny: A
quite enormously positive reply to the crazy tapes, one might
say! Of course, we were thrilled: The poor guys were still
recovering from their flabbergastin' experiences listening to the
tape, and the letter also mentioned the creation of a video tape
there: Soon, we would see and witness these Skandinavian
thoroughbreds in LIVE ACTION (er....don't think too deep on
that)!
Doubts were beginning to rise with regard to Frøystein, however.
He had still not replied to our 60 Kb letter. Was he offended
because of some of the language we used? Was he trying to
conceive an even longer letter? Or had he simply passed into a
coma after reading 60 Kb of ultimate madness?
Had he finished reading it at all?

Will we ever know?
Yes, because this is still not the end of the enchanting story!
Really?! You must be kiddin'?
Really! And I ain't kiddin' ya, pal!

Days passed. Weeks passed. It even seemed as though months
passed.
Nothing to be heard from Frøystein, still.
Even more doubts began to arise with regard to this poor guy,
and even with regard to the other two. They had still not sent
anything more, nor had they replied to the list of questions we
sent them for the "Who do we think we are?" article in this
issue.
Were they mad at us? Were they insulted? Had they played back
the crazy tapes and only then realised the true hard core of the
things we said and did? Had Norway perhaps ceased to exist? Had
the prime minister of Norway (whatever was his name?!) started an
export embargo on data carriers (sequential media included)? Had
Slartibartfast decided to redesign the fjords and were our
friends now too busy demonstrating against it?
Or were they indeed creating a CVT (Crazy Video Tape) of many an
hour length? Was Frøystein perhaps writing a 300 Kb Crazy Letter?

A long time went before we knew.
And will that lead to the end of the story, damn it?!
Who knows. But for the moment it will still continue a bit.

Two weeks before this issue of ST NEWS was finished, Stefan
called me. He was obviously very excited, and I had to urge him
to calm down before he continued speaking.
He had had mail from Norway. No video tape yet, but a Crazy
Letter that beat all the previous attempts with regard to length:
It was 80 Kb in length, and was written by Frøystein, Ronny and
Torbjørn (that's a bit more then 25 Kb per person - so Stefan and
myself are still actually better with 30 Kb per person!!). Not
only did the document contain the answers we needed to add to the
"Who do we think we are?" article, but also some of the most
ultimate craziness conceivable.
So approximately exactly one week before the finishing of this
issue of ST NEWS, Stefan came to me. On Sunday the 14th and
Monday the 15th we started writing an answer. We wrote and wrote!
We stopped from 07:00 AM to 11:30 AM on Monday, to catch up with
some sleep, and we continued after it with even more valour.
When Stefan left, on Monday evening 08:00 PM, the letteer had
reached a size of a bit more than 80 Kb. Now it was up to me to
make it longer.
Tuesday evening saw the final length of the Longest Crazy Letter
ever conceived: 137199 bytes.

Is that the end of the story?
Probably not, but there's no more to say now.
OK. So let's quite this crap.
If ya wanna.
I do!

*****

Glossary
(Revenge of the Mutant Dutchies)

For those of you not familiar with Norway, Norwegians, or madmen
in general, I have included a small glossary of subjects related
to any of the above.

2 CM: Generally, this is the depth of a ->Norwegian's brain,
measured from the outside of the skull bone on. The rest of the
huge head is filled by a very common substance - spaghetti.
Alida: Norwegian for a place where you empty your garbage cans
(serious!). In Dutch, it's the name of a rather nice and cuddly
girl living on my student's floor that makes Divine Chocolate
Mousse Dessert.
Brundtland, Gro Harlem: The human prime minister of ->Norway.
Some ->Norwegians do not seem to be all too fond of him. Then
again, some do.
CL: Crazy Letter. A piece of wood transformed into some or other
white stuff that is mostly rectangular, thin, and allows to be
written on. Indirectly, this is in fact proof that Norwegians are
NOT illiterate - in spite of what is thought in all countries
except Norway. Magnetic sequences on a disc-shaped carrier of
ferric oxide, put there using a computer system and a text editor
or word processor, are also referred to as 'Crazy Letters'. The
latter specimen is a way of saving money, really: A 60 Kb crazy
letter would cost you over 20 pages DIN A4 (and lotsa stamps
sending them) rather than one disk (and just a bit of money spent
on stamps).
C(A)T: Most of the time called CT: Crazy (Audio) Tape. A long
piece of cellophane containing magnetic particles arranged in
such an order that playing it back using a cassette deck causes
utter abhorrence and reverse movements of anyone's gullet.
Typical example of distaste and oral rape. They should make a law
against it.
CVT: Crazy Video Tape. An equivalent of the above that contains
audiovisual information rather than only audio. Its sole purpose
is to shock people, and they should therefore make a law against
this is well.
Computer: Something surely not designed by ->Norwegians, but
often utilized by them to create ->CLs. Talking about 'good
technology falling in the wrong hands'...
Fjord: Something designed by ->Slartibartfast
Frøystein: A specimen of ->Norwegians, dwelling in Austefjorden,
a place that appears to have no nightlife other than
Frøystein sitting behind his computer, typing ->CLs. Sometimes
also referred to as "the F-Word".
Glossary: Something that, when written by any of the members of
the editorial staff of ST NEWS, should not be taken too
seriously. Keeping this in mind, ->Norwegians will probably take
it seriously.
I Ching Calculator: Something that has nothing to do with
->Norway, ->Norwegians, or madmen in general, but that allows you
to make calculations of which the answer is upto 4 (otherwise,
the answer will be "A Suffusion of Yellow"). When pushing the
blue button marked 'red' on it, its screen will display a 'Chun'
sign and display the following message on its LCD display:
THE JUDGEMENT OF KING WEN
Chun Signifies Difficulties At Outset, As Of Blade Of
Grass Pushing Up Against Stone. The Time Is Full Of
Irregularities And Obscurities: Superior Man Will Adjust
His Measures As In Sorting The Threads Of The Warp
And Woof. Firm Correctness Will Bring At Last Success.
Early Advances Should Only Be Made With Caution.
There Will Be Advantage In Appointing Feudal Princes.
LINE 6 CHANGES:
THE COMMENTARY OF THE DUKE OF CHOU:
The Horses And The Chariot Obliged To Retreat.
Streams Of Bloody Tears Will Flow.
Malmsteen, Yngwie J.: Together with the Saab 9000 Turbo, Bjorn
Borg and the Volvo 780, the only sane and/or good thing to come
from Skandinavia, probably because of his non-Norwegian origin
(he's Swedish). Plays a piece of a tree labelled "Fender" with
six long pieces of thin metal and a long coiled wireleading to a
couple of large boxes labelled "Marshall" (or sometimes
"Marsnall", when a piece of the 'h' breaks off due to travel
wear). Does this quite fast and quite brilliant, too.
Mental Institution: Place where people end up after having seen
the "Union Demo". Mostly inhabited by people stemming from a
country called ->Norway, or people that have been, in some way or
another, been in contact with them.
Mjollnir: The name of the sledgehammer wielded by a strange
deity dude called ->Thor. Often found next to a defect Coca Cola
Vending Machine.
Monkey: A kind of furry, quadruped mammal from which all humans
as well as ->Norwegians must have derived, in some far away and
very obscure past. On the contrary to other folk, the -
>Norwegians have succeeded in remaining very much the same as
these ancestors, sometimes still even still walking on all fours.
Mørdørous Gnærhelm: Owner of a famous restaurant in Ørsta, who
does not like stupid foreigners to think he's a Kentucky Fried
Spermwhale Dish on the menu card. He is quite broad, though he
hasn't been seen lately, after an encounter with Cronos Warchild.
Norway: A country in Skandinavia, inhabited by strange folk that
were even given credit for the unofficial discovery of the U.S.
of A. If you ask me, these people were totally, utterly and
extremely uncapable of doing so, and history probably mixed them
up with the Dutch (that were at the time busy defending
themselves against Norwegian Viking invasions).
Norwegians: People living in ->Norway. They have this weird
tendency of reading disk magazines and mimicing them in a rather
strange language that no civilised human beings can read (Only
Norwegians).
Ø: An ASCII character that is quite often present in the name of
->Norwegians or the place where they live. This is very tiresome,
since it is not present on the keyboards of anyone else rather
than ->Norwegians, and has to be clicked from the 'alien code'
department of "1st Word Plus".
Ørsta: Place in ->Norway that MUST have a ->Mental Institution,
due to the high number of known madmen dwelling there.
Oslo: The state capital of ->Norway. A place where ->Norwegians
seem to gather themselves in rather large quantities, and thus
probably the ideal place for a Nuclear and/or Chemical Warfare
test site.
PCL: Or 'Perputuum Crazy Letter'. A typical example explains it
more than adequately:
Norway?
Yes. Norway.
Norway?!
Yeah! Are you deaf or something?
No.
Oh.
What?
Oh!
Why didn't you say that right away?
I did! <--------------------------------+
What? |
I DID!! |
Why didn't you say that right away?-----+
Ronny: Strange but true: The Norwegian distributor of ST NEWS.
If there will ever be a scale on which to grade insanity, he will
be '10 on the scale of Ronny'. Momentarily resides in Ørsta
(DC?).
Simca: Collection of furniture and scraps of metal on four
wheels, driven by a certain ->Norwegian and thus reduced to an
utterly deplorable brand of car. I'd rather be caught driving a
Citroen 2CV...
Slartibartfast: The designer of the ->Fjords. Look carefully:
You might see his signature somewhere over there.
ST Klubben: A Norwegian disk magazine, written in Norwegian and
thus totally incomprehensible to non-Norwegian (sane) people.
Looks very much like ST NEWS, and thus (Brag, brag!) looks very
well indeed.
Thor: A immortal divine flying around on a thundercloud,
wielding a sledgehammer called ->Mjollnir and owning a private
Coca Cola Vending Machine (read the latest Douglas Adams book!).
He mainly occupies himself with shooting up passenger desks at
Heathrow airport engulfed in balls of orange flames, or reducing
innocent ->Norwegians to something that can only be collected
using a ->Vacuum Cleaner.
Torbjørn: Also sometimes wrongly accused of being named Tobjørn
(or even TOBJØRN TOBJØRN TOBJØRN TOBJØRN TOBJØRN TOBJØRN!).
Another fine representative of what ->Norwegians are like: Mad
and utterly crazy. Dwells in Ørsta.
Vacuum Cleaner: Device, only too often labelled "Nilfisk", that
allows you to suck up the remains of rather reduced ->Norwegians.
Sometimes also used to irretrievably devour bread crums, dust or
the awfully expensive golden gem-inlaid earring your mum lost two
weeks ago.