Ignatius' day out

Ignatius by Stefan Posthuma

Dedicated to John Kennedy Toole. He created the most brilliant
character ever. This is only a feeble attempt to approach the
amazing personality of Ignatius J.Reilly.

"BLASPHEMY!!!", Ignatius yelled at the skinny young man standing
in front of him.
"How dare you inflict your hideous views on me! Go on and
assault some other innocent bystander. Leave me alone before I
have you seized and lashed."
"But I only want to inform you about our view on life",
sputtered the young man who was dressed in a robe and had a bald,
shining head.
"Why have you chosen me to spill forth your obcene and primitive
religious babble? Has your obscure sect chosen me as a victim? Am
I to be slaughtered in front of a blood-stainded altar to satisfy
some ridiculous deity you worship? Get out of my way, I have
pressing matters to attend to."
Ignatius pushed the young man aside and headed down the station
hall. The young man sighed and tried to get another traveller to
buy some of the pamphlets he was carrying. The purpose of these
was not exactly clear to him, but he liked the fact that he
finally had something to do. It had taken him quite a while
though to remember all the things he had to say to people.
Ignatius already regretted the fact that he had entered this
station. Myrna had thrown him out of her flat and told him to go
stay with her friend for a while. Since he didn't have enough
money for a taxi, he had to take a tube to the place. His valve
made a strange movement when he saw the masses of people
assembled on the platform.
The foul wind coming from the tunnel told him that a train was
approaching. The mass of people started moving towards the edge
of the platform and Ignatius tried to manoeuvre his bulk safely
towards a vacant seat attached to the wall. But the train
thundered into the station and he got swept away by the crowd.
"Oh my God!", Ignatius yelled.
"I will lose my delicate balance soon. My physique is not
prepared for such wild motions."
Some people gave him irrated looks. Then he spotted some open
train doors and changed course towards them. He heaved himself
into the train and noticed to his horror that there were no more
empty seats. The doors closed with a whirring sound and the train
set itself in motion rather abruptly.
Ignatius was not prepared for this and lost his balance. His
arms waved wildly, in search of something to hold on to, but
failed to grasp anything steady. He did however, knock the hat of
an old ladies' head before he dramatically collapsed on the
floor.
"Oh my God! I've been paralyzed!" bellowed Ignatius as he lay on
the floor. His valve closed with a snap and his left paw landed
on a soft and sticky piece of chewing gum that was on the floor.
Some people started laughing, and in the back of the car, a
subway attendant started making way through the carriage to see
what was going on.
"Don't sit there and mock my misfortune. I've probably crushed
some vital organs and will spend the rest of my existence in a
hospital bed. Somebody help me before I fall into a state of
shock! I need urgent medical attention. Somebody signal for
help!"
"All'ight pal, why don't you get up and stop yellin'", the
attendant said to Ignatius.
"Who are you? Are you qualified to perform first aid? I refuse
to be crippled by some incompetent quack. Now stop stalling and
help me up."
Ignatius extended his left paw, forming a rubbery band between
the floor and himself. The attendant pulled a face and took a
step back.
"What are you doing you fool? Don't you see I am in severe
distress?"
"You got gum allover yaself man.", the attendant commented.
Ignatius noticed the pink mass on his hand now and turned pale.
"Disgusting!", cried Ignatius and slowly pulled himself up
"Which brainless ruminater has dropped this revolting piece of
chemical tartar?" Ignatius hollered while holding his hand in the
air like a prosecutor would display the murder weapon.
"You?" he yelled at a spotty girl who's mouth was rythmically
moving.
"Hey fatso, I ain't dropping no gum in no subway. My momma won't
let me.", she replied between chews.
"Ok mister, why don't you get that stuff off ya hand and keep
calm", the attentand ventured. He had always been told to try and
keep people calm in situations like these.
"Don't interrupt me while I am interrogating this juvenile
jezebel. She's the cause of this outrage ... "
"Hey! Ain't nobody callin' me a jezebel!", the girl said and got
up. She kicked Ignatius in the knee and headed for the doors, the
train was approaching another station.
"Seize her!", Ignatius cried. He was getting very excited now,
his head was turning red and the white spots were forming on his
hands again.
"She assaulted me in public! Somebody apprehend that teenage
barbarian! I will be maimed for life!"
The train entered the station and grinded to a halt. Again, the
momentum surprised Ignatius and he crashed into the attendant,
who was not built for this kind of onslaught and the two of them
went reeling through the carriage.
They where stopped by a post, and the attendant quickly escaped
through the opening doors. Ignatius was left, panting and
wheezing, leaning against the post.
"What more do you have up you sleeve, Fortuna, you vicious
trollop of destiny", Ignatius mumbled as he sat down heavily on
two empty seats. He looked out of the window and saw a billboard
on the tunnel wall of a young girl dressed in a bikini,
advertising some sort of sun-tan oil. His blue and yellow eyes
closed to shut out this demoralizing display of decadency and
revolt.
"Prostitutes" he mumbled as he slipped away into a state of
slumber.