Nitro

SOFTWARE REVIEW: NITRO BY PSYGNOSIS
Review by Richard Karsmakers
Story by Stefan Posthuma and Richard Karsmakers
(During/after the consumption of just about a bottle of Plantiac)

"Aaaaaarrrggghhhhh"
Oh my God, that alcohol went down very smoothly.
The hooligan acted as if he threw away the bottle in a way
hooligans do when trying to impress someone or something after
taking a swig.
Lula thought he did this in such an exciting way that she rubbed
his scrotch and whispered something horny into his ear.
"Oh yeah, oh yeah," the hooligan (who happened to be named
Sailor) moaned as he gave her a wet kiss in her neck.
"Ya know, Lula," Sailor bragged, "I nicked this car specially
for you. 'Cause I...you know..."
She sighed into his ear, thereby slightly moistening his anvil.
Two erect thingies could be seen under her tight blouse.

Surgeon General Interrupt: No you're not going to do this. You
can't. This is the most utter shit conceivable. How much did you
guys drink?
Writers: Not much, yet, but we're getting to the one litre mark.
Surgeon General (continues): Oops. Then I guess I'd better call
out a 'no holds barred' warning for everybody who's into
virginity, prudence and chastity.
Writers (nodding their heads while breathing awfully of alcohol
out of their mouths): Yeah. That would be a gooooood idea.

"You look, like, fingerlickin' horny, Lula," Sailor breathed
back, now on his turn moistening her anvil - and more.
"Uuuhhh...", Lula hesitated.
"What is it baby?", Sailor softly rasped.
"Do you realise that this is to be read by innocent ST NEWS
readers?"
Sailor seemed to be thinking for a few seconds.
"Yeah, f.ckem", he muttered.
"But do you also realise that we are at this moment doing 110 on
a busy highway?", Lula sighed; the erect thingies slowly
dissapeared and she suddenly thought the way in which he handled
the bottle wasn't quite as exciting after all.
"Come on, I just want to....you know."
He was losing his patience a bit. Why didn't girls instantly
and blatantly succumb to his most primitive of basic desires?
"You know what daddy always says," Lula added shyly.
"I wanna go all the way tonight," Sailor confided in her.
"Will you love me forever?" Lula wanted to know.
Sailor thought.
"Will you buy me a dog?" she continued.
"Oh shit no. Not a dog. The only good dog is a hot dog, you know
that." Sailor's thingy was now also getting pretty limp.
He saw a drive-in and parked the car there.
They were playing "Gone with the Wind".
The car next to them was making rhythmic motions - and it
wasn't moving to the rhythm of the wind.
"Look at them," Sailor tried, "they are having fun..."
Lula didn't even look him in the eyes. "Not until we're
engaged."
"I suppose slipping a cheap Cola pulling ring on your finger
won't help?" Sailor wondered.
She looked away from him, insulted. She found herself intensely
studying the rhythmic moving of the car next to them.
Embarrassed, she looked away from that. She found herself looking
at two ants doing something on the ground.
"Aaaaaarrgghhhh..."
That alcohol surely went down smoothly again.
"You know, Sailor," Lula said, "that alcohol is known to
decrease a man's capabilities during the act?"
"Dunno. Don' care, really. Doesn' put me down."
"Well, that's what they say on the 'TV Doctor', anyway," she
continued.
Their foreplay (or whatever you'd like to call it, for it is
probably and surely no foreplay) was brutally interrupted by some
rampant beating on their car.
They both looked up rather startled. They saw a granny that was
beating on the hood with her umbrella.
"Say, you young rascals," she started to croak with a voice that
sounded as if it needed some oiling by a three-hour session of
fellatio, "are you fully aware of the fact that your immoral
behaviour can be observed and studied by at least twenty-three
honourable citizens of the State of Mississippi?"
Twenty-three honourable citizens of the State of Mississippi,
zipping their zippers: "Shut up, you old fart! F.ck off! We want
to see some serious porking here!"

Surgeon General Interrupt: Dit is hartstikke banaal, man! Dat
kan je niet maken!
Writers: English, please.
Surgeon General (continues): This is completely vulgar, man!
You can't do this!
Writers: Try us.
Surgeon General (continues): Oh my sweet heaven. Help me in this
brave battle against orgasmic orgies of putrified pornographics!
Heaven: Shut up, you old fart! F.ck off! We want to see some
serious porking here!
Surgeon General (continues): Well...er....I wouldn't mind seeing
some myself, but you can't really admit that in public, can you?
Heaven: Sure you can. You have our blessing. You're no
politician, are you?
Surgeon General (continues): OK Sailor! Go for it man! Pork the
bitch!

"Do you hear that, Sailor?" Lula whispered in a very low voice.
She wasn't sure if she actually heard something or not. It was
just a kind of magic or something.
Mysteriously, the two erect thingies appeared again.
"Sure I did," Sailor says. A peculiar kind of smile wrenched his
lips.
"Ooooh, Sailor...."

*****

I am glad to say that Psygnosis (and I hereby include Psyclapse)
have managed to launch a game that captured me. Not that it
completely swept me off my feet - no. It's just a very nice game.

It's called "Nitro" and it was fairly unknown before I received
it. There had been but a few advertisements in the press ('the
press' meaning the best mag of all, "Zero") and from what I had
seen I expected some kind of souped up "Super Sprint" that would
be a lot less playable.
I am happy to admit that I am wrong and right. First, it is
indeed somewhat of a souped-up "Super Sprint". Second, it's not
worse on the field of playability (well...maybe just a teeny
weeny bit).

Ever seen Gremlin's "Super Cars"? Ever seen the 8-bit game
"Rally Speedway"?
"Nitro" is what these games should have been. "Super Cars" was a
tad too easy and "Rally Speedway" was relatively boring (no oil
and all that stuff on the road). It's a vertically scrolling
racing game with top view on the scenery and the cars.
Yes. Not just one car but several cars. The game, just like
"Super Sprint", can be played with up to three human contestants
against a fourth computer contestant. Two can use the joystick
and the third will have to do with the keyboard. This adds a
whole new dimension to the game, and makes it instantly more
appealing to anyone (at least to me).

"Nitro" entails 32 levels, which are set in four different
scenery (each 8 levels in one of 'em). There's the city, the
forest, the desert and the wastelands. The graphics throughout
the game are average but very fitting. Everything is clearly
defined, and the in-between pics (the ones that are displayed
when entering one of the four different scenery, after every
eight levels) are even splendidly done. The cars are also
perfectly drawn in all their rotations.
A very neat thing is that several tracks of each set of graphics
are done at night. This means that you see some reflections on
the road, the other cars and your/their headlights. Really nice
and even innovative.

The thing that makes "Nitro" an OK game is the fact that the
difficulty curve is just right. Each time one plays the game, one
gets a bit further. One sees another level with other challenges,
and one finds out more about the bonuses you can gather. One
learns the tracks by heart, and one knows where what can be
collected. This is often the most difficult thing to do about a
game (I would like to say that it's at least as difficult as the
actual programming).
While we're on the field of programming: Is "Nitro" any good on
the technical field?
It ain't. Though execution is OK, everything is just average.
The vertical scrolling is blocky, but lucky enough that doesn't
disturb gameplay much. The only irritating thing about it is that
is grows worse if you're stuck and the whole screen then seems to
shock in utter horror.
Music isn't much to get excited about, nor are the sound
effects. But everything is nice and functional. Nothing too
excessive, and gameplay is good - and that is actually the most
important thing, isn't it?

"Nitro" is a very nice game, though I can't possibly understand
why it's been launched on the full-price Psygnosis label (25
quid) instead of the mid-price Psyclapse label (which would have
meant 5 pound less). That's about the only bigger disadvantage of
the game. The rest is all pretty OK, and I am sure I will play it
quite a bit more before I will eventually lose interest.

Game rating:

Title: Nitro
Company: Psygnosis
Graphics: 7
Sound: 6
Playability: 8
Hookability: 7.5
Value for money: 6
Overall rating: 7+
Price: £24.95
Hardware: Color monitor required
Remark: Very nice game, though a bit
over-priced

Thanks to Roy Barker of Psygnosis for sending the game!

First note: Plantiac is a very nice kind of alcoholic liquor
(if you didn't know).

Second note: Please, dear reader, do not think that the
introductory novel was some kind of childish thing we did to get
our kicks.
No.
It was a mere trivial persiflage at the male chauvinism
portrayed by e.g. the cover of the game packaging. No harm
intended.

Third note: We hope you believe the second note.

Fourth note: Actually, the second (and third) note are a load of
cock's wallop.