How to Avert Snow Slides

HOW TO AVERT OR ABATE AVALANCHES OF SNOW
By cand. surr. F. Hustadnes B.A.,M.S.,LL.D.,Y.E.H.,Y.E.H.,Y.E.H.

Again, Professor Hustadnes has treated us on another of his
highly scientific theories....read it at your own risk!

A profound research has been paid to the gist of snow-slides:

How to restrain or to avoid them. Snow-slides are indeed a
serious pest, and they must absolutely not be considered in-
significant. There is no certainity of you not waking up one
morning amidst a scattered house and thousands of tons of snow in
the event of there having been no snow-slides in your environs to
this day, nor is flat terrain a corroboration of this; faults may
suddenly and drastically distort your surroundings in such a
manner that being caught in a snow-slide becomes highly probable.

Snow is a knavish enemy of people in general. It is a member of
an undergroup of the CISC (Communion of Iniquitous Sputum
Caputes), the same - hitherto privy - umbrella organization as,
e.g., the BBC (Big Bug Conspiracy) and the AEEP (Association of
Exacerbating Exigous Progenitives) are members of. All the
undergroups of this organization have specialized in one par-
ticular manner of impeding or ending human life. The CISC was
formed to better coordinate the activities of the various groups,
an ambition in which it has had much success.

In order to secure people from snow-slides, the methods hitherto
having been used are the twain of:

1) Avoiding the problem by moving to equatorial regions.

2) Building veritable hills of stone and soil on the side of
impendency.

These methods are not sufficient, nor advantageous. Insufficient
because, in the case of 1), with the global permeating
meteorological disorderliness of today's, snowdrifts may gather
anywhere. 2) involves the risk of the shelter acting submissively
to the slide and being used to increase the destructive effect of
the slide. Smaller avalanches also endanger the protectory
through their ability to utilize their, nevertheless immense,
kinetic energy to uphold their motion uphill. Thus, snow may come
from the least expected direction to destroy your substation. To
pose as effective, a barrier has to environ the area to be
protected.

The economical, aesthetical, social and juridical impediments
ought to restrain most people from using any of these agents of
protection. Preferable are the methods of:

3) Dissolving the problem.

4) Melting the problem.

5) Ascending the victim
a) by means of chemistry.
b) by means of apathy.

6) Descending the problem.

Three - dissolving the problem: A quantum sufficit of an alkali
metal (preferably rubidium) is strewn out in the direction of
impendency. This can be done using a powder-gun when a snow-slide
is approaching. To prove completely effective, the layer ought to
be approximately twenty centimetres thick, one metre broad, and
as long as the breadth of the snow-slide. The snow-slide passing
the alkali metal will very effectively be eliminated. This is,
without doubt, the most effective method of stopping avalanches.
Impeccable it is not, lamentably. The main adversities are as
follows:
a) Not only the avalanche, but also everything else in the
vincinity of the snow-slide will be higly effectively
eliminated by the reaction.
b) The weight of a rubidium layer, two decimetres thick
and fifty metres long, is exactly 15320 kilos, a weight that
reduces the mobility of the user to some degree.
c) The user will be killed by an enormous number of
eager, small bequerels (bequerels are organized in a
subdivision of the CISC) long before any avalanche can
endanger him.

Four - melting the problem. This technique is ideal for
protecting houses. A giant electric heater environs the house, so
that intruding masses of snow will be reduced to the far lesser,
in mass and in cohesion, substance of water. The heated water may
be used in production of energy for use with the electric heater.
Other advantages than the power production are that the climate
will be stabilized and the burglars, the collector of revenue,
progressive pedlars, stepmothers, the postman and other pestering
intruders will be eliminated when approaching the pent in house.
The investments can be covered by utilizing excess warmth for
banana production and likewise, or by selling excess electricity.

Five, a) - ascending the victim of the snow-slide. This is, like
method number three, based on chemical reactions, albeit not any
destructive to the surroundings; the agents are devices as common
as zink buckets and car batteries. Both can be acquired quite
easily, and their removal is very often but good for the health
of the owner. The batteries are carried in a bucket. When an
avalanche approaches, the batteries are punctured by the victim,
and he will gently ascend, due to a reaction between the zink
bucket and the sulphur acid in the batteries through which
hydrogen is released. The hydrogen gas will fill the bucket so
that the bucket will function somewhat like an air balloon. The
reaction will corrode the zink bucket to the point when the gas
will gradually leak out through the bottom so that the bucket,
with its load intact, will sink to the ground. Of course, the
hydrogen produced in this manner is not nearly enough to lift a
person. Therefore, at least fifteen batteries must be pressed
into the bucket, using the same compression technique as used in
packaging products that has to be returned in the original
packaging for the warranty to be valid. This technique is,
unfortunately, kept secret by the firms utilizing it. If every-
body knew how to recompress their products, there would be no
point in their compressing the products in the first place! Of
course, fifteen batteries and one bucket weigh very much. To ease
the transportation of this device, another, permanently active
and almost similar, device must be utilized. In order to make it
permanently active, the zink bucket must be covered with a
larger, acid resistant container.

Five, b) - ascending the victim by means of apathy. Those who are
in the fortunate situation of having read the triology 'The
Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy' ought to be familiar with this
technique. By lacking any interest in one's own situation when
being on the point of hitting one's head violently against the
ground, one will miss the ground and float gently up into the
air. This usually is very difficult; to be on the point of
gaining a concussion of one's brain is indeed worrying. To be in
the way of an avalanche, however, is a situation in which a mere
impact with concrete seems insignificant. A person falling to the
ground will inevitably concentrate on the avalanche and
consequently miss the ground. He will then gently float above the
avalanche, not even noticing that he is flying. Sooner or later,
however, he will loose interest in the snow-slide, and inevitably
notice his flying. He will then fall to the ground.

Six - descending the problem. This may be the ultimate solution
to the problem of snow-slides; but, since still in the early
phases of diplomatic preparation and coordination, nothing
further will be revealed here than that hatchways, remote
contollers and the flying vehicles described in paragraph
five a), are going to play an important role.