NEWS BULLETIN - MEN AND WOMEN ARE NOT ALIKE by Dean Tabor
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the
following topics, these facts have emerged:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship
- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it
on a semi-regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart
out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men
Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after
the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and
say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll
never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.
But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us".
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone
call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are
community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40
seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as
part of the foreplay.
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
This is why high school romances rarely work out.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They
just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and
they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use
ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal
pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you,
she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the
store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items
left in his fridge are half a lime and a Blue. Then he goes
grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the
time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed
tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of
course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to
go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she
WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring,
finishes putting on her makeup...
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and
dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.
One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh,
gee. That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man
will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that
were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful
women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the
ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles,
have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
Peanut Brain and Useless.
END OF NEWSFLASH.
Note: This file was taken from the NEABBS (a Dutch Bulletin Board
System). We thought it nice to include in this issue of ST NEWS.
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.