THE THEORY OF DARK SUCKERS by Paul Holmgren and Holly Stowe
Originally published in "Nutworks".
For years it was believed that light was emitted from an
electric bulb; recent information has proven otherwise - dark is
sucked into the bulb - therefore, the bulb is a dark sucker.
There are many types and sizes of dark suckers. The largest
manufacturers of dark suckers are General Electric and Sylvania.
Some modern dark suckers utilize solid power to operate
properly. Solid power units can be purchased from Eveready,
Exide, and Duracell.
The dark sucker theory proves the existence of dark suckers as
well as proving that dark is heavier than light. Some
examples are as follows:
Electric bulbs: There is less dark near the electric bulb
than at a distance of 100 feet when it is operating; therefore,
it is sucking dark and can be classified as a dark sucker. The
larger the dark sucker, the greater the distance it can suck
dark. The larger the dark sucker the greater its capacity of
dark. The dark sucking capabilities are evident when the dark
sucker has reached its capacity and will no longer suck dark.
At that point you may notice the dark area on the inside portion
of the dark sucker. The larger the dark sucker, the larger the
area of dark found within. This type of dark sucker can be
made directional by placing a shield around a portion of the unit
or behind it. This will prevent dark from entering the
dark sucker from that side thereby extending the range of the
dark sucker on the unprotected/unshielded side.
Candles - primitive dark suckers: There is more dark 30 feet
from a lit candle then there is at a distance of 3 feet.
Proof of it's dark sucking capabilities is relatively simple.
Examine a new unused candle, notice that the centre core is not
dark. Ignite the center core. Allow the center core to burn for
about 5 minutes. Notice the lack of dark around the candle.
Extinguish the candle flame. Notice that the center core of
the candle is now dark. The center core is a dark sucker
protected by a soft insulator to extend it's life
expectancy and maintain rigidity to verify that this primitive
dark sucker is operating properly. Ignite the center core and
allow it to burn for a minimum of 2 minutes. Pass a clean pencil
over the top of the flame, left to right,approximately 3 inches
above the center core. Notice that there is no dark on the
pencil. Pass the pencil over the center core now about 1/2 inch.
Notice that the pencil now has a dark area. The pencil blocked
the path of the dark being sucked to the core of the dark
sucker. This type dark sucker is very primitive and does not
suck dark any great distance nor does it have a large
Dark sucker solid power units may be purchased locally at a
variety of outlets. Size does not determine the life expectancy
of the dark sucker solid power unit. These solid power units
work with many modern dark suckers, and absorb dark from the dark
sucker. The absorbed dark is converted to solid power within
An example of the conversion of dark into solid power in the
automobile of today. Notice an auto in use during dark
hours. Two (possibly four) large dark suckers are located
on the front. On the rear there are two (or 3) smaller dark
suckers with red filters. You may also notice several dark
suckers with yellow filters. These filters are required to
remove a percentage of red and yellow from total dark so as to
energize the solid power unit. The solid power unit permits the
auto to be utilized during hours of no dark by the dark it has
absorbed. The number of dark suckers varies with the age of the
automobile. Newer automobile solid power units require a
greater percentage of red filtered dark. Older units
generally require more non-filtered dark. The solid power unit of
the automobile has a dark interior. This can be proved by
cutting the solid power unit in half.
Dark is heavier than light. Dark always settles to the bottom of
a lake and/or river. Submerge just below the surface of a lake
and you will notice an absence of dark. Lower yourself to 15
feet below the surface and you will notice a degree of darkness
even on a sunny, bright day. Lower yourself to 50 feet (or
more) below the surface and you are in total dark. Ergo, the
dark has settled to the bottom; therefore, dark is heavier
than light. Modern technology has allowed us to utilize the dark
that has settled to the bottom of large rivers through the
creation of turbines which push the dark down river to the
ocean, which has larger holding capacity for dark and is a
common safe storage location. As the dark is passed through the
turbine, a percentage of solid power is removed and transmitted
to various short term storage plants for many usages. Prior to
turbines, it was much more difficult to move the dark from rivers
to storage areas such as deep lakes or the ocean. The
Indians would paddle their canoes very little and not very
deeply if they were going in the direction of flow of dark so as
not to slow it down. However, if they were travelling
opposite the natural flow of dark, they would dig their paddles
very deep and rapidly to assist the flow of dark to its ocean
Dark is faster than light. If you would open a drawer very
slowly, you will notice that the light goes into the
drawer. (You can see this happen.) You cannot see the dark
leave the drawer. Continue to open the drawer and light
will continue to enter the drawer; however, you will not see any
dark leave the drawer. Therefore, dark is faster than light.
Go into a closet, close the door, and turn off the dark sucker.
Have a friend open the door about 1 inch. Your friend will not
see any dark leave the closet, nor will you. Have your
friend open the door until half the closet is dark and half is
light. Since 2 objects cannot occupy the same space at the same
time, and you do not feel any change in pressure, by
compressing the dark, it is logical to assume that dark is faster
One last proof.
What is a by-product of movement of dark? Heat. What is a by-
product of dark suckers? Heat, again.
Therefore a dark sucker generates heat during its operation,
sucking dark from the surrounding area.
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.