The sixth ST NEWS issue of
will deal with various more or less inhibited tactics of
Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards
an epidemic epic by
Started off on the Grand Quest for True Love on the windy
morning of April 3, a Wednesday. Checked the place where I'd
been dropped off and saw there was a taxi stand outside but this
was no hot news; I'd just paid for the ride out here because
Lefty's sounded like as good a place to start an impossible
mission as any.
Cracked up my speed a little and took on a faster stroll than
hitherto. Opened the door of the dilapidated building and went
right up to the only woman in the bar. All muscles no play makes
Larry a naughty boy? Better get myself one of the good ol'
whiskeys before checking out a place the likes of which would
have been restricted from most b-movies - I had the nasty feeling
this place was frequented mostly by roaches and their likes.
One smell of that whiskey was enough to convince me that I
might as well stay sober for a while. A certain urge arose and I
went into the back, where my attention was caught by two items -
one of which was a drunk who was lying in the middle of a small
pool that was testimony to the fact that he just hadn't made it
to the restroom. I offered the poor lamb my whiskey and damn if
he didn't start making noises; took a little while but I did end
up with a remote, whatever it was good for. I never could say no
to a sucker.
Went into the lavatory and finally found a place free of
roaches; probably on account of the fact even their kind couldn't
survive this kind of a stench. Did some interesting reading - and
not all of it in the newspaper - and picked up a diamond ring en
passant. Washed my hands and got the hell out of there before
I caught some kind of infection.
On my way outside I noticed a naugahyde door that no doubt led
into the local pimp's domain but despite a certain longing I
remembered one of the first lesson's my mother gave me and
decided not to investigate a place that was bound to have an
unpleasant surprise for those not equipped with the necessary
Outside, I called a cab.
Hello all you adventure players and once more welcome to the
sixth issue of Crimson's Column, which will take a closer look at
the habits and interests of Mr. Larry Lafser, or:
LEISURE SUIT LARRY IN THE LAND OF THE LOUNGE LIZARDS by SIERRA
First of all, let me point out that Leisure Suit Larry (LSL)
is not like most of the adventure games I usually write about.
LSL has nothing to do with sword & sorcery, dungeons & dragons,
cloak & dagger, whatever. LSL is a game reportedly for adults
only; and although I am not at all interested in (and usually
turned off by) a lot of software in the so-called softporn
category because in my personal opinion it's basically tasteless,
cheap and ugly, I dare say Sierra's (remember King's Quest?)
Leisure Suit Larry is a completely different story altogether
because a) the programmers have had the good taste not to become
vulgar or obscene in terms of visual or textual detail and b)
these very same programmers have realized that the best way to
make a semi-sexual adventure acceptable to a large public is to
put the accent on humor. Which is where you have the reason I
like, and thus write about this game - LSL is so full of
witticisms, sarcasms and ironics that I played and finished the
whole thing in less than a day. (I hereby admit a moderate state
of intoxication did exist.)
Did that taxi arrive yet? No? Good, let's finish with the
usual bla-bla about how anyone not familiar with my stories but
interested in them (or in the ethics involved) should turn to the
section of ST NEWS where the making of back orders is explained.
So far ST NEWS has published Crimson's Column articles on (in
chronological order): Sundog, the Frozen Legacy (FTL); Phantasie
(SSI); Brataccas (Psygnosis); Roadwar (SSI) and Barbarian
(Psygnosis) - take your pick.
Ah! Here's the cabby.
Cabbie nearly drove me over but must have realised that
custumors need to be alive to pay their fares. I entered,
wondering just how long I'd be able to keep in my breath. I gave
up and after a short exchange we decided that the local
convenience shop was definitely a must for a new-in-town. I made
a senseless call at a public phone there, then went in quickly as
the swaggering figure of a drunk arrived, accompanied by a dog
with an obvious fascination for hydrants - and other slow-moving
elements on the pavement.
I bought three items in the shop, the last of which could have
been handled more discreetly by the bigmouth owner. I was highly
inclined to just walk out without paying when I saw the .44
behind his counter. No way to outrun a bullet.
Outside, I traded the first item for a little pocket knife
(you never know when a knife comes in handy) and subsequently had
the cabbie drive me over to Lefty's again. I was somewhat curious
about that naugahyde door and besides this hot new item was just
burning in my pocket.
I rapped my knuckles on the door and the sliding panel
revealed the bloated face of the pimp. Gave him the password and
subsequently entered a basically empty room where the only
important item - not counting the pimp - was a tv set with the
knob broken. I tried to get past the pimp upstairs but he
wouldn't let me, and my name isn't Larry if I have to pay to get
laid. So I took out my weapon (never thought I'd be grateful for
that remote control) and switched on the television.
"oh John! - oh Marsha!
Oh John! - Oh Marsha!
OH John! - OH Marsha!
OH JOHN! - OH MARSHA!"
Another boring soap opera. The pimp looked vaguely interested,
but not enough to leave his place by the staircase. I switched
channels from one dreadful program to another and although a
couple of times I was absolutely sure that this was it the pimp
seemed not to think anything much of my taste - he did keep on
watching, which urged me into continuing the checks.
Somewhere in the umpteenth show, right at the time of my third
yawn, I reached the "cultural level" of the pimp and witnessed
the astounding speed his oversized body achieved while making its
way to the television. I bumped into him, he pushed me away and I
quickly went up the unguarded stairs.
The room upstairs was occupied by a repulsive hooker the likes
of which would have scared off a rhinoceros. I made a quick
search through the apartment and, figuring that she liked gum
much better anyway, made myself the owner of a box of chocolates.
Before confronting the girl on a sexual level, I took off my
clothes, ignoring the look of utter disdain that disfigured the
already repellant face as I wrestled with my newly acquired
hifi prophylactic - no wasted luxury in this place.
I went through the moves but it was all far from satisfactory,
if only because a midnight stand is not my idea of the Great
Love. I did not forget to remove the rubber as I dressed again,
sad and melancholy. Anyway, doubtful about the reaction of the
pimp I evaded the stairs and left through the window. Trying to
move the ladder I found it was stuck; an attempt to make it do
what I wanted it to do resulted in a fall - right in the middle
of a (yuck!) trash container. I did pick up something interesting
there and, getting out quickly, I went to the front of Lefty's
and once more took a cab.
Went straight to the casino to find out if there was any
action in this town and met a guy who seemed to think he was Adam
or something. I never did find a decent slot machine in that
place but blackjack's my specialty so I had a little fun at the
tables and decided to check out the rest of the joint. Went to
the back and noticed a disco pass occupying valuable space in the
ashtray; I had the good manners to take it out. Passed by the
elevator on my way to the cabaret, where there was a show going
on. Them dames could dance, you betcha!
Got up with the elevator all the way to the roof. When I came
out I noticed a real nice-looking but somewhat overdressed
desk-clerk handling paper work. Thinking how much nicer it would
be to handle each other, I started some smooth talk. Nice chat
altogether (could you ever resist a woman by the name of Faith?)
but I finally had to conclude that some chemicals were needed
here. Now where had I seen a bottle of familiar-looking pills?
Somewhat turned off by the unhappy sequence of events, I
decided I might as well spend my lonely evening in the local
disco. The bouncer pretended to recognise me when I showed him
the pass; he was a well-educated kind of guy. I went inside and
damn if I didn't get the impression that half the male population
was eyeing a beautiful blonde sitting at a table all by her
lonesome. I went over, and something in her eyes told me that I
needn't ask to sit down - just do it. Acting on instinct, I
offered a rose.
Fawn seemed to just love roses - before I had a chance to ask
she was out on the dance floor waiting for me. I ignored the
jealous stares from the male population and did my very best to
impress her with some fancy footwork.
Back at the table, she accepted two more items (Fawn was so
intensely beautiful and charming I would have given her anything)
and before I knew what was going on we were talking about getting
married. If I had a quick hundred for the Honeymoon Suite. I
didn't, but Fawn, although a great teaser, promised to wait for
me while I did my thing at the Casino.
I did more than just my thing and left with the maximum
allowed profit, figuring that a sophisticated girl like Fawn
would probably have an expensive taste - also, I realised that
wedding services aren't usually free.
She was still there when I got back, and we went to the Quicky
Wed church. The only place we could find and it was cheap in
everything - except the fee. Wed and well, Fawn told me to meet
her later, in the Honeymoon Suite. I went there, and somehow
something just wasn't quite what it should be. Some champagne,
Room service was non-existent; the phone downstairs had been
viciously violated. I dropped in at the cabaret to see if there
was any chance of getting a bottle but the ancient enter-
tainer never stopped talking. He did tell me a couple of new
The only thing left to do was go back to where I'd used the
phone before and hope the little dog wouldn't piss on me. I
ordered some fine wine to be delivered to our room at the Casino
Hotel and went back as fast as I could.
Fawn was ready, willing and eager and before I knew it I was
undressed, on the bed and anxiously waiting. Fawn was fooling
around with some rope and I was just about to ask her what kinky
stuff she had in mind when I found myself tied to the bed - and
alone, Fawn having taken all my money and a good deal of my self-
respect. What a bummer; was this true love?
I did what I had to do and used the little pocket knife to cut
myself loose. Checking my wallet, I noticed Fawn had taken all
except that well-hidden ten bucks. At least I could rebuild a
small fortune at the Blackjack tables.
Feeling down and blue, I reached for the magazine I'd bought.
Searching for the centerfold, I came across and article about
window washers fastening themselves to buildings with ropes. Not
interest... wait a second! Pills. Faith. The hooker's window.
Maybe this night wasn't lost after all!
A few hours later I left the Casino, again with the maximum
profit. Seeing how the cabbies were asking more and more ominous
amounts of money, I was glad I'd taken the trouble - especially
since the only alternative was walking the streets, and that's
not a very safe thing to do these days.
I entered Lefty's and was more than surprised to see the pimp
still completely absorbed in front of the television set - it
must have been broken for years. Silently applauding the
existence of 24-hour sex-shows, I moved up and, ignoring the
hooker, went through the seedy bedroom and out the window.
I took the rope Fawn had left (it seemed our short marriage
had been good for something after all) and tied myself to the
balcony. I smashed the window with the hammer and got the
familiar looking bottle of pills. Couldn't make out much of the
label but pills don't fly - and I'd recognise a good stimulant
any time of the day, thank you.
Went back to the Casino and all the way up again. The chat
with Faith took some time and didn't end where it should have
ended - when I gave her some pills, she went sex-mad. Which was
alright with me, but she went in search of her boy-friend. What a
I did notice something interesting on her panel now that the
distraction was gone - a button. Pushed it, and heard the
door to a private elevator sliding open. Hmmm.
I stepped through and came out in a penthouse. Most of the art
wasn't really to my liking, but when I heard the bubbling outside
I detected a bathing female the likes of which would have molten
the heart of Stone Golem. I walked over, ready for the umpteenth
rejection and disappointment - when she actually, spontaneaously,
smiled at me. I was so absolutely thunderstruck I couldn't even
She just sat there and looked at me; I just had to look
elsewhere. When I saw here name on a towel I suddenly knew what
to do; there was only one thing to offer a girl named Eve.
What followed next is not something to relate to a perverted
public that has no perception and lacks all feeling for romance.
Let it suffice to say that my Grand Quest proved successful after
all - and that neither Eve nor I will ever bother you again.
That is, if that little round man from Sierra doesn't bug us
So far so good and let's hear it for Larry-boy - he had a hard
time under my scrutinous supervision but I guess a happy ending
always makes up for everything.
I've heard some interesting news lately about new products
coming out in the Sword & Sorcery "tradition", which is just in
time because for just a second there I was through with all my
games (just finished Phantasie III) and actually wondering when
the next goody would hit the streets. But what with Ultima III
around and word of Rings of Zilfin and the Bard's Tale on their
way I doubt if I'll get a chance to get bored.
Comes the time to say good-bye and so long and good luck and
so on - perhaps (if only for the sake of consistency) I should
dissuade myself from becoming pleasant-mannered and just
repeat the mentioning of the dangers connected with negative
fanmail before I once more supply the international mob of gamers
with my address. I am happy to report that the amount of
unpleasant reactions has reached the level on which it is no
longer necessary for me to give supplementary nourishment to
Pterry (my pet Pterodactyl).
All positive reactions appreciated by
Lucas van den Berg
6511 RL Nijmegen
Loc. Tel. 080-238586
-- The Netherlands --
A young man married is a man that's marr'd.
All's Well that Ends Well
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.