"You often read about what sex can do to your mind and your
health. I decided to stop reading."
" GO FORTH AND TOS "
by Number 5 and Ringpull of Tour de Force (HCC Division)
Just recently we (i.e. the editorial staff of ST NEWS) received
this column from the hand of two Scotsmen. As we considered it
quite funny (understatement there) we couldn't actually keep this
It needs to be noted, however, that this column might not be
suitable for people who don't like creative use of base English,
or for people who have some taste (albeit rudimentary).
This article has been published in an uncensored form - only the
layout was altered and, we'd like to believe, considerably
enhanced. The above quote was also added by us (we do that with
just about all the articles we do, even the ones written by
By the bye, the name of this column - or at least the "monthly"
bit in it - should not be taken too literally.
Welcome to the very first edition of Perverts Monthly produced
by members of Tour de Force. This issue contains various pieces
of literary crap from those in a Higher English class (Hello Mrs.
Campbell) The exciting articles you can look forward to in this
How to be a complete Pervert
Top 10 OO-ER's
Now over to my assistant editor, Ringpull... In case he did not
tell you, the guy who typed the bullshit above was your editor,
Number 5. Now for our first Perverts Monthly exclusive: How to be
a complete (and utter) pervert.
The following article explains the use of the most fundamental
expression needed to be a complete (and utter) pervert.
Yes this expression is truly versatile. It can create humour
and mirth in any situation. So when do you use OO-ER? Easy, any
time someone has just said something with sexual connotations.
"Hello Pete. Been riding again I see"
"Oh yes, there's nothing I like more than a good ride!"
So you see that is a rather obvious example and not too funny as
it is a preconcieved idea. OO-ER's are far more funny on the spur
of the moment.
Anyway, by the passing of the 'push-it-in-pull-it-out' (OO-ER!)
ammendments act of 1991, OO-ERs' have been sub-divided into 2
Section 1 - the active OO-ER!
The active OO-ER is easy to explain. Simply, it is an OO-ER
which is immediatly recogniseable as an OO-ER connotation.
I.e. If you play Badmington (I do) then just think how OO-ERish
it really is (and it is). So why is doubles so much more fun
than singles? Because it's FOUR-play!!(OO-ER!), or another
example is: What is the best name for a female nymphomaniac
badmington player? AnNET, because she keeps having cocks' flying
over her! (OO-ER!!)
Section 2 - the passive OO-ER!
The passive OO-ER is basically one which has a lot of thinking
involved so that only really sick-minded people (like me!) can
think of them quickly. These tend not to be so funny, but you
get a kick out of them when someone says, "O.K. then. Explain
that!". A prime example is that disgusting word: 'kitchen'.
Don't get it? Well let's think about a kitchen. What does every
kitchen have? A cooker of course! Still don't get it? (not very
sick are you!) Well what does a cooker have on it? KNOBS!!-OO-
ER!! (NOTE: If at this point you STILL haven't got the joke then
get out of the room and become the POPE!)
As I say practise and you will get a lot of fun out of the 'OO-
ER'. You may also find that it spreads well to other people who
will start using it without realising it - then you can slag them
off for being dirty minded! (AH!Hypocrisy!)
Watch out for some future text from me, some of which will
probably contain the 'OO-ER' and read the top ten OO-ER's
elsewhere this month.
-NUMBER 5 (chairman of the board of standards and
classification for the use of 'OO-ER' (now both passive and
active by the passing of the push-it-in-pull-it-out ammendments
NOTE: no responsibility is taken by the author (that brilliant
and very modest Scotsman, NUMBER 5) for the spelling and
punctuation of this promotional piece of high-quality (we said he
was modest) text. Watch out for our next demos some of which may
be designed by someone who knows what to do. (ME!)
Keep practicing, it will come (OO-ER!)
Well, I'm glad I (Ringpull) didn't bother to read any of that
but I am assured that it was utterly perverted. Now for a
demonstration of how to use this wonderfully perverted
Top Ten OO-ER's
Here are the current top ten "OO-ER's" as decided by myself on
21.5.92 in reverse order...
10. Hollywood Poker pro
09. Gilius=Thunderhead - Golden Axe (Have you seen where
his hand goes when he's "standing"?)
08. Speedball 2 box illustration (The guy holding a ball
in his hand - is this a form of lower disembowelling?!
And what about the guy with his legs in the air?)
07. Golden Axe death noises - ST (An orgasm??)
06. Fun School 2.5 (You can make some interesting
05. Dynamite Dux intro (type nude before starting.)
04. A waggling joystick
03. A brief history of time by Stephen W. Hawking (Nice
subtitle - " From the big bang to black holes" but
shouldn't it be the other way around?)
02. 1 woman, 1 man and 1 bath filled with jello (or is
that just fun?)
This is the number one!
A game of badmington (see the OO-ER text also included this
by Number 5
Mm, yes, well, moving swiftly on... By the way did you
notice how he mentioned "Fun School" version 2.5, the
teddy's revenge. This was a total rewrite by Ringpull.
Actually it is the best bit (only bit?) of STOS coding I have
ever done. It now includes new exciting educational (?) games
like Dirty Ted, Woliz's party train, Typing with teddy
marzak and teddy kill. In case you don't read the Daily
Record, Mr. Marzak (OK, I know I spelt it wrong) was a teacher
at our school (Balfron High School) who was caught dropping his
trunks in front of young girls at swimming pools throughout the
country (Pronounced Cunt-tree). Coming soon to (in!) a pool
near you... You may also be interested in knowing about Mr.
Marzak and Thea but that is another story.
Now for some amazing lexical skill from Ringpull the second
bottom pupil in the English class of Mrs "Redpen" Campbell.
Hello liquorice lovers and welcome to Ring-Pull's column in
Perverts' monthly. What this column really needs is a really
good name but I havn't thought of one yet. How about The *ulia
Roberts fan club? Yes, thats a good name, lets try it out:
Hello liquorice lovers and welcome to the *ulia Roberts fan club.
First of all let me explain why the is a '*' in the above name.
The reason is because the * key on my ST is buggered (I am using
the '*' to replace it). If you still don't know which key is
broken it's ASCII $4A (God knows what that is in decimal).
Now what shall we talk about. How about the Cinema? OK. What
good films have I seen recently? Well there is "Hook", "The
Commitments", "Edward Scissorhands", "The Silence of The Lambs"
and "The Magic Roundabout 3". All of these are great films which
you should go and see imediately. Coming (oo-er) soon is
"Wayne's World" which looks like it will be good. That's enough
I am sure you are all sick of seeing song lyrics in magazine
articals so here is something a bit different for all the
guitarists out there:
- 10 10 10 9 9 ~ 7 7 7 5 5 ~
- 10 10 10 10 10 ~ 8 8 8 7 7 ~
- 11 11 11 9 9 ~ 7 7 7 7 7 ~
- 0 0 0 0 0 ~ 0 0 0 0 0 ~
5 5 5 3 3 ~ 0 0 0 2 2
5 5 5 3 3 ~ 2 2 2 3 3
6 6 6 4 4 ~ 2 2 2 2 2
0 0 0 0 0 ~ 2 2 2 0 0
That (in case you didn't know) was the chords from Pink Floyd's
"Run like Hell" (Top four strings only).
Well, that was interesting wasn't it. Don't worry all you bag-
pipe players, I may have some thing for you next time.
So far there are 1897 bytes in this file so I will continue
OK, so I lied. It is about a month after I wrote that and I
have been very lazy over the past month while pretending to be
studying for my exams. One thing I did learn is to never trust
Number 5 to read a bus timetable. I discovered how unfit I am
after having to run across the centre of Glasgow in 10 minutes.
The worse bit is when you run up to the traffic lights just (Yes!
My "J" key works! JJJjjjJjJj!) as the green man dissapears.
OK, enough crap, let's have some topical discussion. Why does
"Midwinter II" need so much disk access? Why can't it be
installed on a hard drive? Why does it only use the lower 512k of
my 2.5Mb ST?
COMPUTER RELATED STUFF:
I think all "Midwinter II" owners should write to Microprose
demanding that the game be rewritten to use extra memory and be
hard drive installable. This should then be supplied as a free
upgrade to registered owners. I have written to them but have had
no reply so far.
Staying on the subject of Microprose, I was looking through
their catalouge the other day and I noticed that there are loads
of games which will work on an Amiga hard drive but not on the
ST. Is this some Amiga bias in Microprose? I think we should be
Also on the subject of simulations, when oh when will "Birds of
Prey" be released on the ST? All the Amiga owners I know (we'll
keep the word 'friend' out of this) keep telling me how wonderful
it is and I need a decent flight sim because I am bored with "F-
19" and "Mig 29" is awful.
By the way, has anyone ever had any interesting missions in "F-
19" like landing on a secret airstrip or doing an airdrop? All I
get is photo recon missions. I am flying in the north cape with
veteran opponents and easy landings (I am terrible at landing!).
Does this mean I don't get any good missions until I go to a
Enough games, now some news: In case you did not know (where
have you been?!), HCC and Tour de Force are going to merge to a
form an as yet un-named Demo crew. We then hope to start work on
a mega-demo (if you want to do a guest screen then write to me).
We are having a meeting tomorrow to go ten-pin bowling (and make
the merger arrangements) and I hope to beat my hi-score of 158
which I scored today.
One last computer related item before we discuss some more
interesting stuff. Does anyone out there use the MiNT
multitasking operating system? I would like to use it more but
the only programs I want to use with it (Ice-packer and QRT
raytracer) don't work. If any one out there is using MiNT
succesfully I would like to hear about it.
I have had a letter from Stefan Posthuma of ST NEWS and it looks
like this mini-magazine will appear in ST NEWS (if Stefan likes
Here is news update: HCC is no more! We had the meeting today
(Even though Darkman and Scorpion turned up half an hour late)
and have decided to keep the name of Tour-de-force (Tdef). Watch
out for our megademo which is now in the design stage. I also
had two really crappy games of bowling where I scored about 80 in
As usual there is very little decent music about at the moment
but I can tell you about one interesting thing. The old Derick &
the Dominos album "Layla" has been remixed and rereleased and is
available either on its own or in a 3 tape/CD boxed set with 2
tapes/CDs of alternate masters, rehersals and jam sessions. The
fact that its been remixed is hardly noticable and the album is
as brilliant as it always has been. If you're looking for some
great R&B, your original copy is worn out (like mine), or you are
just a great Clapton fan (like me) then buy this now!
Don't buy the Guns & Hogs album to be released soon. Hello Woliz
you fagging bastard who can't play a guitar for shit!
ONE LAST BIT:
I can't seem to get around to actually finishing this column, I
keep thinking of more things to put in. I have just finished
reading through ST NEWS Volume 7 Issue 2 and Stefan seems
convinced the ST scene is just about dead. What will happen
I recall he said people where moving onto other computers, but
what other computers? The Amiga? The Archimedes? (surely not!)
The Super Famicon?!? It seems to me that computer users
(especially programmers) all seem to change from one specific
machine to another, i.e. so many ST owners (myself included) used
to have C 64s, while most of the ex-Spectrum owners I know now
Just because the major crews are going to stop producing demos
we don't have to give up hope, what about young upcoming demo
crews like T-def (I can't seem to think of any others at the
moment...)? Our forthcoming megademo will be overflowing with
wonderful original ideas, brilliant graphics, stunning sound and
inspired code (I won't go as far as to say excellent code).
So, if you want to help us prove that the ST is not dead
then get working and send us a screen. This invitation is open to
So if you want to write a screen, donate some music or just be
greeted in it then write to me!
Since I started this I have decided to change the name of this
column. The problem is I don't know what to call it. Answers on
a postcard please. My address used to be in this little space
here but it has been moved to the bottom of the magazine along
with all the other important junk.
You can also use this address for sending me presents, money,
letterbombs, money, money or money. Hey all you female ST users
(Are there any? I have never met one!), write to me!
I am going to round of this first edition of Ring-Pull's column
here so see you next time!
P.S. If you have a hard drive or a NeXT Cube hanging
around, send it to me!
P.P.S. Hey Atari! How about a colour ST book?
"Well, she's walking through the clouds
Her circus mind running wild
Butterflies and zebras
And Moonbeams and fairy-tales
That's all she ever thinks about
Riding with the wind
And whan I'm sad, she comes to me
A thousand smiles she gives to me free
It's alright, she says it's alright
Take anything you want from me
Fly on little wing"
Little Wing (Jimi Hendrix)
P.P.P.S. Did you know that my cat (Zizzles) is a great Jimi
Wasn't that good? Next month will be even better! I (Ringpull)
am now editing this without the help of No.5 because he is on
holiday in Aberdeen (Baa! Hi Martin!) so this will be totaly
pervert free. By the way, have you noticed the rather crap layout
of this file? This has something to do with the fact it was put
together with three different word processors, namely "1st Word
Plus", "ST Writer" and "Protext". Needless to say which one
produced the good parts of this column! I am going to run this
through the spell checker when it's finished but first lets visit
our religious corner...
Editorial note: No severely f@*ked layout remains to be seen for
you, dear readers, for it has been severely edited. We couldn't
have the crappy format originally employed in this issue or
otherwise people might start thinking weird things (or not).
Greetings, my children, and behold the first edition of
religious corner, brought unto you by Ringpull. Today we shall
study the religion known to its followers as Ringpullism.
Ringpullism is a young faith, and its holy scriptures are still
being written. These books, when written by the prophets shall be
brought together into one volume known as the "Elvis", the holy
book of the Ringpullist faith.
Ringpullism has many gods, and one supreme being: Ring-pull
himself. There are gods of many things, such as Klap-ton, the god
of music, or Je-knee, the goddess of love. The Ringpullists also
believe in an afterlife, a heavenly world of beautiful women and
Once in his life-time, every Ringpullist must make holy a
pilgrimage to the great city of San-fran-sis-co. The most
important event in the Ringpullist year is the festival of Hog-
manydrinks. This takes place on the 31st day of the twelth month
every year. Here the holy liquids are mixed and consumed in
thanks for the year just passed. The Ringpullist can then be
forgiven for all his sins from the year by the ritual of Pee-u-
king on the holy altar of Klee-nex.
Now, after this brief introduction we come to our first reading
from the "Elvis": Chapter 1 of the book of Peter.
Ringpullism! The Hand of god hath cometh down and hath plucked
of the Sweetshop Of Life the sacred yellow Liquorice Comfits,
and this god shall be called 'Ringpull', the everlasting
plonker, and he alone shall keep his people from the evil that
is Gregorism and the worshipers of which that shalt be known
throughout the lands as Webster and Hendry.
He shalt walketh amongst his peoples and they shall utter in
his wake "Here walketh Keyring!", and he will be known unto them
as 'Keyring', or 'You completely sad bastard' by his closest
And he hath commanded his peoples unto him, and lo, unto them
he exclaimed "Has anyone any chocolate biscuits?" and the the
crowd went absolutely bonkers and hath replied "Verily shalt we
make and partake in the doings of such edible confectionary as
you have mentioned, and we shall name these after another holy
spirit!" and lo, they feasted on Bourbon Biscuits.
The lord Ringpull, amidst the hustle and bustle that was known
unto his peoples' feastings, hath had a headache and hath
commanded his people "Silence, I need four hours until the
tablet that is Disp Rin shalt worketh unto me!" and lo, the
peoples were silent and were awed by his self-posession and hath
spake unto him.
"Lord, give unto us the holy worship mats." and he hath said
"Nay, nay shalt ye such as you dwell on those such that be called
'aerobics mats', ye shalt stand unto me and jog on the spot." and
the peoples knew it was so, and they summoned the minstrels Dona
Van and Jay Sun who playeth unto the people a jaunty little
number and the peoples hath spot jogged with wailings and
gnashings of teeth, and Ringpull hath spake unto them "Go, while
I destroy that which is a me-grain" and the peoples knew it was
so and hath rejoiced in the name of Keyring, the lord god and
divine aerobics Mis Ser.
The lord Ringpull hath said "Come, let us fornicate to the
Gregorist abolishing ritual of Pis Sup" but the people said unto
him "Our Lord, we have only water. Perform unto us the miracle
of 'Merry Downing'" and the lord hath answered "What, in the
name of Olaf the Flacid's pink mini-skirt is that?" and the
people spaketh unto him "Let us pray for divine influence from
all of that which is the three god parts which is Keyring. Hear
us, The Mother, The Daughter, and the other one.".
For they were forgetful and could not, with tiring mind
gropings and brain bashings bring forth his name unto them. The
lord god Ringpull remembered unto them "You mean the Holy
Spirit!" and lo, they knew it was so and spoketh unto him "Yes,
our ever remembering flatulance! Give unto us the Holy Spirit!".
The lord Ringpull, after consulting such that can be called
'Bus Timetables' said unto his peoples "You must journey by such
that is public transport for many an hour and you shalt find the
wonder that is the 'Temple Off Licence' and there shalt you find
a man, and he shall be calleth 'Dominic' and 'Peter' and he
shalt bring unto you the Holy Spirit and you will partake in
communion to the Holy Spirit and let it enter you and you shalt
be joyous and happy."
But one such that had not supped of the Gold of Bier and had
totalled the tea spaketh unto Ringpull "How do we know that this
is as such as you have spoken unto us, will we also partake of
such that is a me grain?" and the lord, Ringpull hath uttered
"Oh ye of little faith! Did I not myself abolish that which was
headached in the appointed hour? Here, is this not a pear?" and
he brought forth that which is a pear and the peoples knew it
for such because it was green and had upon it a mark from such
that is Tesco's anointing it 'Pear'. Cleansed of all doubt, they
prostrated unto that which they knew as Keyring and spaketh "We
shall go unto this Peter Dominic and partake ourselves of the
Holy Spirit and join in the religeous ceremony of
And lo, they did as they were bade and were paralytic.
And that, my children, is the first chapter of the book of the
prophet peter as carved on stone in his cave in the land of gar-
t- more. But why, I hear you ask, did he carve it on stone? Well,
the Great God Ringpull had said unto him,'You must write a holy
scripture to tell the world of the divine power of Ringpullism.
you shall produce this sacred work in the form that is known as
As-kii for use in the holy ritual of Com-pat-i-bility.' And
Peter looked down to the floor of his cave and lo, he did see a
box of light grey color and of rather ugly shape, and on the
front there was a inscription and it did read 'AMIGA'. And Peter
did slowly realize of the foolish mistake he had made, for the
Holy book of the prophet Peter had been inscribed on a small
blue rock in the gregorist form of 'Amee-ga-DOS'.
And Peter did pray for seven nights and seven days to the great
one that his wrath should not be incurred upon him for his
foolish mistake. And the great one did appear unto him and did
say, 'You foolish mortal, how in the name of Whiz-kay, the holy
spirit can I use this to spread the holy words of Ringpullism? I
can not type it all out again as that would be to break the
second comandment and to much effort.' And he did punish Peter
by removing all his cheats.
And after another seven days and seven nights of not being able
to get past the first level of any of his games, Peter did prey
unto the heavens. And lo, a small blue rock of square proportions
did fall from the heavens and land on his head, giving unto him
a most unholy head-ache. After taking the tablet that is Disp-
rin he did look upon the rock, and inscribed upon it were the
immortal words 'ST Emulator', and lo, Peter could convert his
book to the sacred form of 'toss'. And the lord Ringpull was so
pleased that he did forgive Peter and return to him his cheats.
And next month (or at least next time): The commandments of
This issue is just about finished and there is only one more
file to import into this document but unfortunately it is in "ST
Writer" format so I will have to reformat the whole thing again.
By the way, you may not know this, but this is not being written
in order i.e. we do not neccesarily start at the top and finish
at the bottom. But now... Ringpull's Report!
R I N G - P U L L ' S R E P O R T
Welcome to the first ever Ring-Pull's Report where I (Ring-Pull)
will provide you with essential guides to what to do in exotic
locations such as the USA and some not-so-exotic locations (I
can't be on holiday all the time!). This month Ring-Pull's Report
comes to you from Florida. Well, okay, it's not actually from
Florida because I don't have a portable ST to take with me to
write any reports but we can just pretend can't we.
Basicaly there are two different ways to spend your time in
Florida, either going to attractions (i.e. Disney World) or lying
on the beach or by the pool all day. Although I much prefer the
latter I managed to do a bit of both during my two week stay.
First of all I will go over the esentials of going to the Florida
attractions. Florida has many attractions including the famous
Walt Disney World and Universal Studios. Although very nice these
are also very popular so they are always packed.
First of all: Disney World. Disney World is divided into 3 theme
parks: The Magic Kingdom, EPCOT centre and MGM studios.
The Magic kingdom is Disneyland as we know it. It has been open
for about 20 years but even still it does not have all the rides
of the original so if it is the Magic Kingdom you have come for
then go to Los Angeles Disney World instead. Other attractions
well worth going to are Universal Studios and Sea World.
ADVICE: There is a large black market in attraction tickets
(Especialy Disney) so if you by a four day pass and only use 3
days you can sell the remainig day for up to $30. If you want
lots of rides (oo-er) then it is advisable to stay until closing
time. Most of the crowds will have gone and there are evening
parades and firework displays. Disney souvenirs are available
cheaply in the many shopping malls if you do not fancy paying
full Disney prices.
Now we come to my preferred way of spending a holiday - lying in
the sun all day doing bugger all. Not much advice is needed for
this except a few minor things. Do not go to Daytona Beach during
the US spring break if you want some peace and quiet as almost
every student in the eastern US will be camping on the beach. If
you want some very drunken parties then it is the place to be.
And remember, it CAN rain!
What do you do when the sun sets? well the best thing to do is
find a bar with a good live band and spend most of the night in
it. Luckily it is next door to your room so they don't have to
drag you far at closing time.
Another form of evening entertainment is Crab racing. There is
even late night racing for over 18s only (oo-er). Finaly here are
some DOs and DONTs for Florida:
DO try to pay your bills in Disney Dollars (It really annoys
DONT go to Disney on monday, tuesday or wednesday
DO show off your sun tan when you get home (That REALLY annoys
DO buy lots of T-shirts
DO eat as much as you can at the all-you-can-eat buffet (With
unlimited coke refills!)
I have no idea where the next Ring-Pull's Report will be from
but there is a strong posibility that it will be from Northern
Ireland as that is the only place I can afford to go to this
summer after going to Florida. See you in some sunny exotic
location next month!
That's that done. Now I can have a game of "Formula One Grand
Prix" (Bloddy Brilliant game!). Bye!
But now (No.5 is back!) it's time for some dirty, perverse, and,
of course, crap jokes. So lie down and hold all your bits
together my children (that religious stuff has got to me) and
laugh at these jokes just to annoy the clean-minded (and empty-
headed) Lord Ring-Pull. (Bastard! - Ringpull)
EXTRACT FROM "TRULY TASTELESS JOKES II" by Blanche Knott
This document by myself (No.5) is a selection of jokes from the
above book to show you just how good or bad these actually are.
If you like these then there are plenty more in the book and in
the first edition with the amazing title of "Truly Tasteless
Jokes" (WOW!). If you do not like the forthcoming jokes then you
may still wish to purchase the book (Well you never know! Some
people these days...)
Q: Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A: So they can look like their mothers.
A black, an Irishman, and an Italian are trying out for a TV
quiz show. The emcee explains that all they have to do is
complete the sentence and spell the word they come up with. All
three nod in understanding. The announcer's voice booms out the
first question: "Old Macdonald had a -------"
"Farm", says the Italian. "F...a...r...m...e."
"I'm sorry, right word, wrong spelling. Next please.
"House", says the Irishman. "H...o...u...s...e."
"So sorry. Right spelling, wrong word. Next"
"Farm!", says the black, "E...i...e...i...o."
Q: What do you call a mexican with a vasectomy?
A: A dry Martinez!
A four-passenger plane is half-way across the Pacific when it
becomes clear that, because of engine trouble, 3 passengers must
bail out so that the plane can make it to land. The pilot cannot
leave therefor the decision is left to the four passengers:
"Viva La France!", exclaims a young Frenchman - throwing himself
through the hatch.
After a short pause a stout Englishman gets up, says proudly,
"God save the Queen", and also goes through the hatch.
Finally a Texan stands up. Grabbing the Mexican sitting next to
him, he tosses him out of the hatch, shouting, "Remember the
Alamo!" (You can also use an Irishman here - Ringpull)
Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?
A: "Trust me!"
Q: What's black,white and red all over?
A: An inter-racial couple in an automobile accident!
Q: Did you here about the Italian inventor who developed a car
so efficient no fuel was needed at all?
A: It's called the Ronzoni Downhill
Q: How do you get 40 Haitians in a shoe box?
A: Tell them it floats!
Q: What did the Mexican do with his first 50-cent piece?
A: Married her.
Q: What's brown and has holes in it?
A: Swiss shit.
Q: What do they use in a Mexican baptism?
A: Bean dip.
A trip to the jewelry store,followed by a half-hour of begging
Puerto Rican foreplay?
"Is your husband back from work yet, Carmen?"
"Don't scream or I'll kill you!"
Q: Did you hear about the Greek boy who left home because he
didn't like the way he was being reared?
A: He came back because he couldn't leave his brothers behind.
Q: What is the definition of a cad?
A: An Italian who doesn't tell his wife he's sterile until she's
Q: How come the Mexican army only used 600 soldiers at the
A: They only had two cars.
Q: What's the definition of a maniac?
A: An Italian in a whorehouse carrying a credit card.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a
A: Three : one to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot
Q: What do you call a Vietanamese family with one dog?
Q: What do you call a Vietanamese family with two dogs?
Q: How many Mexicans does it take to grease a car?
A: One if you hit 'em right.
Q: How do you stop little black kids jumping on a bed?
A: Put Velcro on the ceiling.
Q: What's the definition of worthless?
A: A seven-foot-two-inch black with a small cock who can't play
Did you here the HARLEM HIGHSCHOOL school cheer?
We're not as dumb
As you think we is!"
Q: What do you call a black millionare physicist?
A: A nigger.
Q: Why do blacks always have sex on their minds?
A: Because of the pubic hairs on their heads.
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a bush?
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who goes through
a letter box?
Q: What do you call a woman with no arms and only one leg?
Q: How did Helen Keller discover masturbation?
A: Trying to read her own lips.
Q: What's the hardest thing about eating vegetables?
A: The wheelchairs.
Q: How do you tell the blind guy in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: Did you hear the one about the queer deaf mute?
A: Neither did he.
Q: What did the Pole do before going in for the cock-fight?
A: Greased his zipper.
Q: What's the difference beetween 'ooh' and 'ahh'?
A: About three inches.
Q: Why can't you circumcise Iranians?
A: 'cause there's no end to those pricks!
There once was a pro footballer called Smithers, whose main role
was warming the bench. Every game he would put on his pads, smear
his cheeks with charcoal, don his helmet and run out onto the
field with the rest of the team; but play after play, match after
match, season after season (OK get on with it!) went by without
Smithers getting one, single game.
One Saturday he went for a job interview and so asked Helene,
his long time girlfriend, to fill in for him. "All you have to do
is dress up in my uniform, smear charcoal on your face, and sit
on a bench; after all I never get to play" , he said. And after
further persuasion she agreed. For the first three quarters
everything went fine but suddenly in the fourth quarter one man
after another started falling with injuries. Finally the coach
barked, "Get on there Smithers!"
Rather panicked Helene went onto the field and got knocked out
in three seconds flat! When she came round the coach was
vigrously massaging her pussy."
Don't worry", he said, "once we get your balls back in place,
your cock will soon pop up."
Q: What's the dumbest part of a man?
A: His prick. (It's got no brains, it's best friends are a
couple of nuts, and it lives next door to an asshole)
Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through
50ft of garden hose?
Q: Why do women love hunters?
A: Three reasons:
They go deep into the bush.
They always shoot twice.
And they always eat what they shoot.
And for my final joke (because I'm not going to be bothered
writing any more):
Q: What do eating pussy and the Mafia have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!
by Number 5
THE END(OO-ER,a long hard one I hope!)
Enjoy that? I didn't either. However you're really going to hate
the next bit as we indulge in yet more spontaneous bull that
takes the rip out of every story everywhere.
(What he actually means is that it is story time - Ringpull)
The author accepts no responsibility for the complete lack of
standard in the following text and does not feel it a true
reflection of his normal work. However he does not have anything
else to put in this section and so wishes to express his opinion
that if you do not like the following article - GO WAGGLE YOUR
JOYSTICK UNTIL IT BREAKS!!
Introducing: THE WEIRD ONES (perverts and proud of it!)
Billy and Johnny are part-time Private Ivestigators and full
time perverts. Marching under their slogan, "We investigate
anything" (OO-ER) these are some of there heroic (eh-hem!)
exploits as recorded in Billy's journal.
Tuesday 14th 2091:
It's been a long, hard day. Very enjoyable in fact (We love long
hard things - especially using them (OO-ER)). Today Billy and
myself have just got our first job (as private investigators! -
not that kind of job!!). Some world famous diamonds, the 'cor-
blimey-they-must-be-worth-a-load-of-dosh' collection, stored in a
far exotic location (Bognor-on-the-bottom) have disappeared under
mysterious circumstances. We must find them!
Our only clue is the trail of urine leading to the pavement
where the getaway car must have been waiting.
We have used our amazing home chemistry set with 1001 uses (it
was 1000 until Johnny's girlfriend discovered what you can do
with an extra large test tube) to analyse a sample of the urine.
We have found that, due to traces of more solid waste, it can
only come (we like coming!) from one planet in the solar system -
Uranus (because it's the arse of the galaxy (hint:your-anus)).
The next flight leaves tomorrow and we're on it thanks to my
connections with the spaceport (I know one of the janitors).
In the flight out Johnny discovered the small brown bags under
the seats (some things never change!). He amused himself by
drawing a face on it and using it as a glove puppet (by the look
on its face you can tell it's got a hand up its arse!). He has
now taken to talking to it - it is now one of Johnny's Bags. I
don't know what I'm going to do with him (OO-ER!).
Our arrival at the spaceport was uneventful and, as we were not
expected at our hotel for another two hours, we decided to check
out the library to get some of that stuff we detectives call
There is only one city (more like a large town) on Uranus and as
the library keeps records of all inhabitants it seemed a good
place to go (we both needed the toilet after the ride (OO-ER!)).
The result of our research led to a list of seven likely
suspects. It could have been more except that we got thrown out
of the library for indecent assault against the librarian (we
were only trying to show our gratitude - how were we to now that,
"Do you fancy a quick one?", doesn't mean a drink down the pub on
Checking into the hotel (having been released by the police
after being charged with assault AND insulting a police officer -
I knew we shouldn't have listened to the guy who said that 'shit
patrol' was a compliment!) we decided to get a good night's rest
(as none of the staff wanted to keep us up) and tackle the first
of our suspects in the morning.
Interesting! This could be our first clue. A large swelling
occurred in my pants as Johnny and myself discovered that most
people here do not wear clothes! Unfortunatly our first suspect
was male (though I must work out Johnny's swelling?!). Even more
unfortunate is the fact that he was engaged in a five men, ten
women mass orgy during the time in question (and for a good time
before and after: These guys are potent!).
Similarily four other suspects were engaged in similar
activities. This is getting annoying as I have yet to be invited
to one of their 'Parties'.
This left two. A young , muscular , dark , heavy set , well
hung (how did that get here?) evil-looking martian and a frail
old lady who was one of the original colonists from Earth. I have
my suspicions as to which one it is (you should have seen how the
old bat looked at me!) but I need evidence.
I haven't written for a while due to being locked up (again!) in
a very interesting cell (I still have one wall left to read). It
turned out my conclusions and suspicions were wrong. Apparently
the old Lady is the wife of the governor here and that they are
very, very rich. Therefore you can see my mistake that when I
found many jewels on her person I jumped to conclusions and
started beating her around the head with my stick (OO-ER?).
However I have discovered why Johnny has a hard on when he sees
naked men. It became obvious when he jumped at the crotch of that
Marsian (who turned out to be nothing more than a phycotic mass
murderer). The jewels by the way, were found down the back of the
couch! Tisk! Wouldn't you know it!
Now I must just serve my life sentence for manslaughter and find
Johnny, who disappeared after his mad lunge.
Ah well. That's life for you...
Editor: Number 5
Assistant Editor: Ring-Pull
Production Editor: Number 5
Design Editor: Ring-Pull
Designer: Number 5
Contributors: Number 5
Advertising Manager: Ring-Pull
Senior sales executive: Number 5
Distribution: ST NEWS (If Stefan likes it)
Special Message (!) from The Editor (the "Perverts' Monthly"
editor, that is).
If you would like to send material into perverts monthly or
write a letter full of compliments (or abuse) then please do so
and we will incorporate it in a future edition.
Perverts Monthly magazine,
Tour de Force (HCC Division),
25 Kiltrochan Drive,
Or if you would rather write to your charming and delightful
assistant editor Ringpull then write to:
Tour de Force (HCC division),
Please try to include IRCs or return postage (by the way, my
house is pronounced 'Dum-breck', not 'Dumb-wreck').
(c) 1992 Tour de Force (HCC Division)
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.