"Will the last person leaving East Germany please turn out the
DBA Magazine quote
ST SOFTWARE NEWS
by Richard Karsmakers
This article may contain explicit points of view you may find
insulting, as I considered it necessary to slag off society and
the world in general. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Wednesday, June 17th 1992. Early in the morning.
This year was destined to be a Great One. Early in it I already
discovered some prime bands that I had, some way or another,
succeeded in not hearing anything of so far. Paradise Lost.
Whistler Courbois Whistler. Fear of God. I love music and I can't
live properly without it. These were valuable additions to my
Earlier, last year to be more precise, Rush had released their
"Roll the Bones" CD. I was eager to go to their May 3rd concert,
the first time they would perform on Dutch soil in four years!
Late February I went to get tickets. The damn thing was sold out
already for some weeks and I was quite pissed off.
Yngwie Malmsteen launched his 'highly acclaimed' "Fire & Ice" in
February. Not his best of albums but at least it would mean a
world tour again where I could go and see him. When his fanclub
sent me his tour schedule, dark clouds gathered above my
subconsciousness: The dude didn't seem to consider it necessary
to pay a visit to Holland at all! Not even to nearby Belgium or
the western bit of what used to be Western Germany. So that meant
no Malmsteen for me this time 'round.
I survived the lack of both of these concerts. I mean Rush might
be the biggest cult band but they're not in my list of absolute
priorities. Malmsteen is on that list, however, but I could
survive without seeing him because, quite simply, he's a git. I
could slam his solo debut in the CD player any moment and
probably enjoy it more than whatever he would do on stage now.
Then, yesterday, I got a call from Lucifer (ex-SOD). He just
called to say that the November Metallica concerts, two in total,
had already been sold out.
Excuse me? Sold out?
Yes. The sale had started Saturday, June 13th. In little over
two days both concerts had been sold out. That implied no
Metallica for me this time - which I had severe reasons to feel
pissed off seriously for! By November I would not have seen them
for over 2.5 years. Add to that the fact that Metallica is going
to take a 1.5 year break after this tour (which ends early 1993),
and what you eventually have is someone who will not have seen
his favourite band in about 5 years by the time they get to
I felt depressed utterly. The strange thing was that I had not
known anything about the concerts. I had read the hardrock
magazines only the day before but they had said nothing about any
forthcoming Metallica concerts, let alone some of them happening
in Holland! Was I losing touch with reality here?
The fact that I simply hadn't known in time made me feel even
more depressed. Had I perhaps been in a coma for a week or two?
That very same evening a friend who has no TV at home visited my
place to watch "Red Dwarf". He's into hip-hop and that strange
sortof English dance music. When he left he inquired whether I
was going to the Metallica concert, quite innocently. Did the
whole f@*king world know about the flippin' concert or WHAT?!
By the time I went to bed I was feeling more depressed than I
had ever felt since the day we almost couldn't find Magnetic
Scrolls during the LateST NEWS Quest (see ST NEWS Volume 4 Issue
4, or the Final Compendium). Probably the whole thing had been
mentioned on the radio - I mean after "Enter Sandman" and
"Nothing Else Matters" Metallica have gotten quite a bit of radio
airplay. I guessed the entire concert had been sold out to
teenage girls who think Hetfield is a hunk. I guess it's the
other side of fame. More people know Metallica now - but apart
from the fact that it earns them more dosh, is it worth while
missing out on all the true fans for?
I can already see the teenage girls at the start of the gig.
Hey. I know that. Isn't that their first hit...er...er...
"Exit Sandman" or something? Yeah. Nice song. A bit loud though.
After a quarter of an hour, during which some of the older songs
have tortured their erect nipples, they will sit out the rest of
2.5 hours of intense Metallica without really enjoying
themselves, fingers stuck in their ears. Maybe some of the
younger girls' fragile bones will be physically reduced to ashes
by the noise that only true and real Metallica fans can learn to
cope with. I can picture myself at home, the thought of smeggin'
retarded teenage mutant heavily made-up anorexic hip-hop flare-
trousered will-be tarts being at a sold-out Metallica event
eating its way through my insides.
Enough of that, though. We're here to read something about
recent software releases on our beloved, faithful ST. I have to
put aside my violent feelings of anger and frustration. I must
learn to cope with the sight of those potential Metallica concert
visitors (i.e. any teenage girl) walking around town. I have to
learn to suppress the urge to kill them in the hope of a
Metallica concert ticket falling out their incredibly fashionable
Maybe I will get over it. But I doubt it.
Recently (well, quite a while back actually) Scottish Floppyshop
sent me their program "Family Roots" - an extensive genealogy
program that is supposed to cater for the needs of all those
souls that feel happy digging in their past (and in their
family's). It took almost three years of research to develop and
it's said to be easy to use for the beginner as well as
comprehensive enough for the semi-pro genealogists.
You should preferably try not to confuse 'genealogist' with
'gynaecologist'. Or, perhaps, the first it just the necro-variety
of the latter. Never mind this note. If I continue corrupting the
minds of our innocent readers by writing trash like this, I
suppose we'll also soon end up on Budgie's black list of disk
magazines that are supposed to corrupt your mentality.
End of note.
Wednesday, July 17th 1992. In the evening.
I got tickets!
After having called about two dozen people in and around
Utrecht, I finally got an address of a tobacco shop at about half
an hour's cycling from where I live - where they were supposed to
have some tickets left still.
I immediately went and bought myself their last remaining
tickets, 12 in total. Within half an hour after I bought them, I
had already sold seven of 'em. They were second rank tickets, of
course, but that will not prevent me from flipping out. I am
looking forward to it already. The venue location (which I also
called) mentioned the possibility of a third concert being
planned. I'll just have to keep myself informed - I might be able
to acquire some first rank tickets for that at a later date.
This year might yet turn out to be a rather nice one.
Back to "Family Roots".
My dad's a genealogy nutter. His idea of fun is hanging around
in damp city hall basements and read through falling-apart
ancient church memoires in search for the name "Karsmakers" or
anything slightly resembling in. He spends a lot of time roaming
through graveyards, enthusiastically scanning obituaries in old
newspapers and a lot of stuff similar to that. So far all this
research got him to trace back our family to somewhere in the
17th century, when our name was written something like
"Kersemaeckers" (i.e. the way people usually spell it quite
spontaneously when I want to have my passport or driver's license
Of course it's quite interesting to know where your family roots
are. For example it feel good to know that my family (or at least
the paternal side of it, as the maternal side is not known at all
as my mother was born of a prostitute and a German army officer
in 1941 - sounds like a blimmin' soap, doesn't it?) roamed the
southern parts of Holland (called "North Brabant", remarkably)
for all that time. As a matter of fact almost all my paternal
ancestors roamed in a quaint little village just south of
Eindhoven called Waalre (which is now a resort for suburban
yuppies with a ridiculously high percentage of millionaires). At
least it told me where I should want to live once my University
career is finished.
On the contrary to some other family tree utilities I have seen
earlier, "Family Roots" does not let you enter the appropriate
specifications using a database-like screen but instead utilizes
an enormous "work window" formed by a 20,448*4,600 grid where
each entry takes up four boxes. Which is good, I'd hasten to add.
The necessary family connections are drawn on this grid as well.
You can change magnification, allowing you a detailed or more
general look at your family tree.
You can right-click on a person's entry and "pop!" you will get
all information which can be edited as you wish. This includes
stuff like (surprise!) name, sex, children, occupation, religion,
date of birth, date of marriage, date of death and six user-
definable flags. Editing is intuitive and easy. Relationships
(spouse, parent, child, etc.) can be made by dragging lines from
one box to another, after which you get a dialog box allowing you
to enter the specific sort of tie. This also automatically
updates all other affected entries.
The program has extensive search options built in. You could
quickly scan for persons answering to particular criteria, for
example. Output can be to the screen, but can also be put on a
The program isn't supplied with a printed manual. Instead it has
an ASCII file on disk or you can rely on the built-in HELP
screens. Personally I considered this sufficient, but priced as
it is one would certainly have expected some kind of printed
documentation. Thank Whoever the program is user-friendly so you
really don't need lots of help after an initial getting-used-to
I think my dad would have bodily juices spontaneously excrete
themselves from various openings if he could get his hands on
this program. Never before have I been so profoundly glad to live
on my own instead of with my dad (and, believe me, I've been
proverbially happy to be away from parents for years already!).
A rating would be stupid for it's no game. But "very good" would
fit the bill nicely, I think. If I would have been a mormon I
would have been seriously thrilled.
"Family Roots" may be obtained at £24.95 from Steve Delaney,
Floppyshop, P.O. Box 273, Aberdeen, AB9 8SJ, Scotland, United
Kingdom. Thanks, Steve, for sending me the review copy!
Saturday, September 26th 1992.
Indeed, a third Dutch Metallica concert will happen. As a matter
of fact it will happen on December 7th and I will go there, too.
Lucifer Eksod will join me, as another matter of fact.
This time the location is the "Brabanthallen" in 's
Hertogenbosch (Stefan's ex-place of living) which means that
there are no second-rank seats such as is the case with the other
One could say I am happy.
Next bit of "ST Software News" now.
The Terrorists' Handbook
People get pretty sick nowadays. Only two or three days after an
El-Al 747 flying straight through two flat buildings in a
southern bit of Amsterdam the jokes involving Boeings and that
sort of thing were already going around. Similar happened when
the Herald of Free Enterprise capsized, some years ago near
Belgian Zeebrugge. Sometimes people get very sick and decide
Kuwait should be theirs all of a sudden, or think it would be
neat to go outside wearing a Rambo thingy in their hair and shoot
two dozen innocent people in the street. Sometimes people get
heinously sick and blow up tourist cars in Holland that they
think belong to English folk. They kill coppers and soldiers and
generally act like a bunch of f*@king morons just because they
happen to believe in God (who doesn't exist anyway) in a
different way from their adversaries. And need I mention some of
the ex-USSR republics or Yugoslavia, where so-called 'humans' are
slaughtering harmless women and children because they just happen
to be born into an ethic group of which the skin colour varies
barely discernibly and of which the opinions vary less than the
average politician's before and after an election? Other sick
persons kill others who happen to want to live on the same patch
of ground that is supposedly 'promised' to them by some divine
force - people who now get down to doing the same thing that
happened to them in World War II, albeit perhaps slightly less
radical but nonetheless berserkedly senseless.
We live in a crazy world, a severely f*@ked up place. So why
should I have been surprised when I staggered across a series of
text files called "The Terrorist Handbook"?
Maybe I had always been so naive as to think that ST folk were
generally smarter than 'normal people'. OK, you have the odd
stupid ST user who doesn't know shit about his machine but those
are stupid in an innocent way, hardly the kind that would go out
and assault a girl in order to ventilate their frustration of not
being able to install a "Calamus" printer driver.
The people who typed in "The Terrorist Handbook" are not stupid
in the aforemeant innocent way. As a matter of fact they are not
merely stupid but less intelligent than a piece dropping from the
arse of a retarded pig (to use a slightly Anglicized Dutch
proverb, afterwards loosely adapted for additional effect). The
only people worse than them are the people who actually wrote the
book from which these text files are supposed to be a one-to-one
The only good thing about it is that it granted me a good excuse
to start blithering a bit about the general craziness of the
world around us. A world in which people kill others for
ludicrously unimportant reasons. A world on which females are
easily impressed by BMW cars. A world in which masses of people
have themselves herded into stupid bargains by washing powder
commercials. A world, too, on which people wearing suits & ties
are considered to be more trustworthy. A world in which reverends
preach their beliefs on national networks while fornicating
secretaries when the cameras are turned off. A world in which
people don't care about rain forests or ozone layers or pollution
because they don't suffer yet - even though everyone will suffer
eventually. A world in we actually believe politicians.
But let's get down to actually reviewing the thing. I won't be
It's crap. It's far too serious to be considered funny or
artistically provocative. Go and spend your money on something
more useful. Any PD library that stocks this shit should be made
victim of the stuff explained in these text files.
No rating, for I'd rather not resort to negative figures.
Sunday, November 8th 1992. 01:45 am.
My ears make somewhat odd sounds only audible to myself, but not
the general cacophony of random high bits that I usually get
assailed by after a Metallica concert. As it happened, my neck
possibly aches more from craning it rather than from gently
bobbing my head up and down in a violent way.
Of course, the concert itself, taking place in Rotterdam's Ahoy
Hall, was excellent. Even the much slagged-off initial 25-minute
band documentary was quite interesting (they cleverly edited it
to contain some typical Dutch scenes) except for the far-too-
serious actual bits of interview. Thankfully they were few and
Metallica's new stage looks neat, their music sounded almost as
if straight off the CD, with the exception possibly that the
drums sounded quite a bit too loud if you were sitting on the
ring (which is were I was, together with some other friends among
whom were Lucifer (ex-SOD) and Evil TS (not-ex-SOD). We sat quite
far off, but luckily not too far to be needing binoculars.
They played for about 2.5 hours ranging from 20:40 to 23:10. To
get an idea at what they played, check out the track list of "The
Four Horsemen" in the "Did you know that..." column. They left
out "The Four Horsemen", the "Orion Part II" bit of the bass
solo), "Drum Solo" (they did do the guitar solo, though), "Of
Wolf and Man", "Damage Inc." and "Breadfan", and added "Battery"
and "Stone Cold Crazy".
To me Metallica is certainly still the prime metal band, even
with their last album having become, let's say, somewhat more
accessible. This was the hottest concert this year, without a
There were remarkably few will-be bimbos of the abovemeant
anorexic variety, by the way.
I am looking forward zealously towards December 7th, when I will
see Metallica again - this time from a more advantageous
position, hopefully right in front of the stage.
One more short review to go.
Around the World
Right in time for it to be included in this issue's "ST Software
News" column I received Floppyshop ST's budget game "Around the
World". The game is designed by The Pixel Shop (TPS) who have
already acquired some fame by their previous games released
through Budgie under the name The Happening Boiz.
In the game you play Phineas who has to boldly go through fourty
levels of rocky mayhem that some of you may know from games the
likes of "Boulder Dash" (or "Rockfall", or "Emerald Mine", or
something else for there have been countless clones). You will be
hindered by falling rocks, closed doors (to which keys will have
to be found), creeping fungi and Waynes. The latter are meanies
that try to touch you, an event which will result in
instantaneous death. With only three lives to go, this boils down
to a game that is certainly not easy to play.
"Around the World" is quite competently programmed, with just
the right amount of bells'n'whistles (neatly fading and flipping
screen switches, coloury hiscore table, that sort of thing) not
to make it the sort of game you'd expect in a megademo menu. The
screen scrolling routines are meagre, but thankfully do not
deduct anything from the game's playability.
All in all "Around the World" is a decent game with its pros and
cons. Design is OK and so are the graphics (the music is actually
rather good, too). Scrolling is quite meagre and gameplay not too
original. The packaging is very neat indeed - sortof a disk-sized
wallet in which fit the disk and the concise printed manual.
That leaves me with thanking, again, Steve Delaney of Floppyshop
ST for sending me this nice little game. It's good to know that
there are still dedicated people around on the ST now that Martin
Dryden's SWSL quit. The Floppyshop ST address could be found
earlier in this article already. "Around the World" costs a mere
£9.95, but if you want to check the game out first you can order
a usable demo disk for £1.00. Note that this demo disk also
contains usable demos of "Family Roots" and "Professional Virus
Killer", so it would probably be a good idea to get that disk
And herewith we come to the end of a stinging, scolding issue of
"ST Software News". There weren't many titles to write stuff
about either, so I'll just have to tell you that I hope you'll be
back next time, when I hope I'll be back with more software to
Before I totally leave, however, I would like to reflect
slightly on the MTV Headbangers Ball "Wherever We May Roam 92"
Metallica Special that was aired in Europe on the night of
Sunday, November 8th 1992 (on the same date as Metallica's second
successive gig in Rotterdam, Netherlands).
I can be fairly brief about it.
Most of it was complete crap.
I can also expand a little, however, which indeed I will.
Kai Holst (one of the New Nutties, or at least Recent Rascals)
told me of this MTV Metallica special during a telephone
conversation this week. With regard to the program contents, MTV
bits I had caught since then told me there would be (and I quote)
"Metallica videoclips galore", "exclusive live footage" and
"going down to the gig with Metallica in Birmingham's NEC".
What it came down to was that you principally got a fairly bog-
standard Headbangers Ball broadcast with interviews in-between
(none with Jaymz, though, for he wasn't feeling well). We got two
video clips ("Wherever I May Roam" and "The Unforgiven"), one
exclusive live thingy ("Harvester of Sorrow" taped in Moscow
during "Monsters of Rock" last year, taken from the "For Those
About to Rock: Monsters in Moscow" Warner Home Video) and three
extremely partial shots at what Metallica was like during the
actual Birmingham gig (a total of three minutes perhaps, which
were ill produced indeed).
The only interesting bits where the ones where Vanessa "I can't
help it I'm a tart" Warwick went down into the Metallica stage,
talking with Metallica's tour manager, Ian something. She even
went onto the stage a bit which, according to her silly giggling,
probably got her to experience an orgasm.
All in all, we got the answers to about ten viewer's questions.
Whereas I had expected Metallica and nothing but Metallica,
Headbangers Ball also featured at least a dozen of the usual
video clips involving the proverbially flailing hair in slow-
motion, songs about love, lots of glam, silly ballads - the sort
of thing you would normally get on MTV.
I had expected a lot more of it. Clearly, Ms. Warwick (or at
least the people that actually do the show, for she seems but a
figurehead attracted to get more dumb male viewers) used
Metallica as a means to get more viewers to an overall fairly
average Headbangers Ball.
I'll just have to wait for those two Metallica home videos due
out any day now.
And with this additional bit of criticism, I will close this
column down for good. It's a good thing nobody ever reads this
column anyway (I normally don't read its equivalent in other disk
magazines, anyway), for otherwise I may have trod on many
Bye for now.
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.