"Some artists achieve immortality through their work. I prefer
to achieve mine through not dying."
Woody Allen, Inside Woody Allen
HOW TO BE A GOOD MEMBER OF A LECTURE AUDIENCE
HOW TO BE A GOOD EXAM INVIGILATOR
by Brad Templeton
How to be a good member of a lecture audience
Aaaachoooo! Cough. Splutter. Wheeze. Yes I've got a cold.
There's a lot if it about. No I don't use a handkerchief. Sniff.
Sniff. Cough. Oh thanks, now I've sneezed on your notes I might
as well blow my nose on them. Zurrrrrkkk! Hoooossssh! Now what
lecture is this?
Do you think he's got this bit wrong? Well I'm sure you can
prove it quickly using matrices. Shall I ask him whether you can?
No. Something wrong? No, nothing wrong. I was just wondering if
you could prove it more quickly with matrices. Oh I see. Stick my
head in a bucket of WHAT? Oh right. Yes.
God this is so boringly obvious. I think I'll do the crossword
instead. Mixed-up caterpillar in tribal religion, we hear? Hmm.
Can you think of an anagram of caterpillar? Oh I'm SORRY. I
didn't realise you were listening to the lecturer. Oh I thought
he was proving a different theorem. Excuse me, how do you get x-
squared there? You just explained that. Sorry, I didn't realise.
Can I borrow a bit of paper? Have I really borrowed one every
day this week? Ah thanks. I don't suppose you have a pen I could
use? Yes I'll take care of it. Ooops, it's on the floor. SCRUNCH.
Ah well at least we know where it is now.
Eeeek, I've lost my contact lens. It must be down there
somewhere. Sorry, yes I'll try and look for it quietly I know
you've got a lot to cover today. Could you tell me if there's a
contact lens down there? How about the row behind? Yes it is
important I can't see without it. Oh it's all right I am wearing
it. Just got a bit of dust in my eye. You can stop looking now.
Help I'm two blackboards behind now. What can I do?
And how to be a good exam invigilator
O.K. you can start writing as soon as you get to your places.
Look would you mind sitting down? What do you mean there isn't a
desk for you? You must be in the wrong room. What's your name?
Oh. Well there don't seem to be enough desks. Perhaps you could
sit on the floor this time. Come on, let's get started.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh sorry. I've just seen the joke in question 5.
I don't know how they think of them. What a laugh exams are, eh?
Anyway don't let me disturb you. Sorry about that.
What do you want? Well why didn't you go beforehand? Honestly,
the incontinents you get round here. Well why didn't you bring a
pottie with you? Oh all right I'll find someone to escort you.
Can't have you stinking the place out, can we? Though maybe you
should have a doctor's certificate (rustle rustle). No, it
doesn't mention that. O.K. get a move on.
Creak, creak, creak, crash! Bloody hell, they don't make chairs
like they used to, do they. I bet Chippendale's chairs never gave
way when you leant back on them. Oh well, now I've nowhere to sit
down. Tramp, tramp, tramp. (God what a useless answer that chap's
writing. Even I know that 2+2 is 4 not 5. Must be nerves, poor
chap.) Oh sorry, am I putting you off? I'll go and breathe down
somebody else's neck.
Ah, this one looks calm -- he's writing away nineteen to the
dozen. A-a-a-a-a-SHOOOO!!! Oh sorry. Yes we can pick up all the
sheets of paper. And I'll try and find you a clean question
paper. What was that sheet that went through the window? Question
2? Oh well, maybe somebody will pick it up and hand it in to us.
You wouldn't have got many marks on it anyway, it's quite tricky.
Right, all writing must cease now. In fact if you knew your
stuff it would have ceased 20 minutes ago. Look I told you to
stop writing. Well you'll have to hand it in anonymously then,
won't you? I don't suppose it'll make much difference to your
Honestly the students of today just can't cope the way we had
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