"I will, by the God in whom I do not believe, come!"
THE NUTTY NORWEGIANS' HOLLAND QUEST
VOLUME THE SECOND
This real-time article sequence all in all contains entries by,
in order of appearance, Leif Claus, Kai Holst, Richard Karsmakers
(Cronos of the Quartermass Experiment), Tjeerd Bruinsma (Scum of
Sewersoft), Jurie Horneman (Relayer of the Quartermass
Experiment), Laurens van der Klis (The Mind of the Quartermass
Experiment), Alex Crousen (The Nutty Snake of the Quartermass
Experiment) and Roeland (who is an independent, actually, whose
name just might actually be spelled with a 't' instead of a 'd').
Sadly, Lucifer (Eksod), the only other person to appear where
this article was written, did not get himself immortalized.
Ars longa! Vita brevis! Lucifer morti!
The first night. Bags were further unpacked, teeth were brushed
and contact lenses were removed from eyes. The first of multiple
nights without sex, too. Sometimes a shy girlfriend can be loads
of fun, but sometimes it's less so.
Yep. The first entry on this second day of the Norwegian's
Holland Quest (or whatever they call it). The portable computer
is now located in the kitchen, where Kai is enjoying some
chocolate paste on his bread. The other sentient beings in this
house are still asleep - I think Leif is sleeping off the effects
of total Plantiac satisfaction. He did actually drink quite a bit
more than most of us. I hope he won't have a hangover, for
otherwise he might not like Plantiac all that much the next time
What have we planned for today? Well, I think we'll first have
to do some extra shopping. These guys have absorbed our entire
Coke supply with the exception of one bottle that is now home
alone in the fridge, cold and without any of its brethren. I
think the purchase of a crate would be in order here. We need
lots of milk, too, and more bread.
After that we'll hit town. This means a visit to CD shop White
Noise, as well as a trial to climb the infamous Dom tower of
Utrecht - the highest church tower in the Netherlands. We'll also
attempt to get our grubby little hands on a video camera so that
posterity may enjoy our antics as well. I don't know what else we
will do, but one thing is for sure: About 75% of my virus killer
bootsectors are no longer recognized now that I have altered the
data line format. This looks like quite a major bug - and indeed
it is. I will have to fix it today, or otherwise I shan't be able
to close an eye (let alone two).
Leif is still asleep, but I predict he won't be long.
A creaking sound from the living room door indicates that,
without our interference, Leif has joined the realm of the widely
Yes, I'm up! Much to the delight of Kai and Richard, since
otherwise they would have had to confine themselves to silence, a
thing those two guys are not very good at when together!
I did in fact sleep quite well this night, although it was on
a couch for the second time. Well, I'm getting used to it. Today
I'm looking forward to investigating the city a bit more
thoroughly than we did yesterday, from the bus window. I've been
told that we plan to visit a good CD shop and we are going to
conquer the highest church tower in the whole of Holland. As flat
as this country apparently is that probably means we are going to
be able to tell the time on Big Ben and watch alpine skiers in,
well, obviously the Alps! Time will tell.
Now, finally, after an entire day of waiting, we are
ultimately going to town!!!
"Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind."
Douglas Adams quote (added by ED.)
The Dom - More than six hundred years of history now towers
above us with majestic grace and beauty. Yes, we will in a few
minutes commence on a guided tour of the highest church-tower of
Holland, which is as tall as 112 meters. I believe we will
actually get only 100 meters up ourself, but it will still be
somewhat of a change compared to the curling, twisting streets of
downtown Utrecht. My cold fingers have problems finding the
correct keys on the Z88, so we will now enter the tower itself.
On the top of the Dom, at the highest place accessible to the
public, at 100 metres (about 300 feet). The decrease of gravity
and the thinner quality of the air make different thoughts
appear. Suddenly we see tiny specks, small humans, roaming the
street in what seems to be totally unorderly fashion. It's quite
incredible, from this perspective, that those tiny maggots,
mankind, are actually capable of reason. It can be discussed
whether we actually do reason, but that is beyond the limited
scope of this real-time article.
Just now, the bells, about 25 metres below us, started to play
some tune. It sounds eeriely interesting. It struck a mighty ONE,
ONE, ONE, ONE as well. Up here, you're feeling as if you're
sitting on top of the world, really. And it's not even
particularly high on the scale of, say, any ol' Norwegian
We've arrived back at my place. Some CDs have been bought, as
well as some jeans and books. It's dark already - though by now
it has probably been dark in Norway for hours already.
It still aches to think back to those severe blows to my
biorhythm. It still feels good to think back to The light.
Leif immediately hit the shower. It didn't hit back.
No, the shower wasn't of a violent nature. It was actually quite
nice, although it took time since the water stream coming out was
in fact as unlike the Niagara falls as a stream can be and still
resemble water. Still I got through scraping off all the dirt and
putting on new clothes.
Richard is frantically trying to make sense of some of my
programming tips, even though they are actually very simple and
logical. My legs still hurt after our trip to town today; They
were frozen stiff! But dinner seems to be on its way (Food!), and
insulting Richard's way of programming has brought me into a
We managed to get hold of post cards in town, so I shall write
something later on to my dedicated friends, as well as the most
brilliant girl I ever met. We also arranged the rental of a video
camera with which to immortalize the Video Orgy and the rest of
our stay, I tasted the least hot chili-sauce I've ever tasted,
I've seen the world from a butterfly's point of view and I've had
fun. But now I think I shall get back to help Richard. He seems
to be having some problems.
Kai mentioned post cards. I have bought loads of them, 15 to be
exact, but a closer estimation has resulted in me having to write
to 19 human beings. One could almost think that one travels here
just to buy loads of post cards, sending them to all one's
friends to prove that one has actually been here, and then travel
back home. Not much point in that really. In Norwegian card is
translated to "kort" which also means "short" and that is
excactly how I'm writing my cards. I do want my right arm to
still be alive when I return to Norway!
Just as yesterday my writing is being interrupted by the table
being cleared and made ready for some of Miranda's divine
Richard is by the way quite good at playing the bass lines of
Metallica tunes on his six string acoustic guitar. He claims he
is really bad, but isn't that what people always do when they
want someone to say something nice. But anyway, he is quite good!
Dinner is getting cold. Can't have that can we?
Feeling stuffed! Now we must look at some pictures from the
Norwegian Quest thingy (1989-1990), Richard is insisting.
We're consuming that fluid again. That wetness coming down my
throat and almost making me start believing in some arcane power,
so that I would have someone to thank and beg for more!
The pictures weren't only from the Norwegian Quest by the way,
but all sorts of pictures of all sorts of ST personalities
Richard has met (lucky bastard) during his ST career - including
among others Nik of Carebears, Michael Bittner, Jochen Hippel,
Steve Bak, Jeff Minter (that Llama/Camel guy) and Peter Johnson.
I especially noted the last guy because he made the ST conversion
of "Wizball" which is one of my all-time favourite ST games. I
remember hours of "painting" that grey world in all kinds of
colours, me controlling the wizard and a friend of mine doing all
the dirty work with the cat. It's totally, mind-blowingly, first-
time-fuckingly, addictively incredible! Especially in two-player
mode where you simply HAVE to cooperate. I suddenly miss my
colour monitor terribly. Richard has got two mono ones, but that
doesn't help me much.
Right now we are waiting for a film to materialize itself on
Richard's windowed box containing an electron cannon. The film's
called "Gorillas in the Mist" and has Sigourney Weaver in it sort
of playing the main character not badly at all. It's coming up in
a quarter of an hour.
Kai is out, or he is still inside of course, taking a shower and
probably also experiencing the total opposite of "Voringsfossen"
(a famous Norwegian waterfall. I haven't dared telling Richard
about his shower's total lack of impact on your body, because he
has started complaining rather loudly on all my remarks regarding
strange things about Holland. And those remarks are adding
upwards towards very many by now).
"MY GOD I'M SO GOOD!"
Richard quote (after fixing something in his virus killer
after Kai suggested an improvement)
Those remarks becoming a crowd after a while, probably is a
combination of me being very naughty at times and this country
being extremely silly in many respects! I don't know which is the
most dominant, but I guess Richard has some strong opinion
No "Gorillas in the Mist" is the message being transmitted
through the sound waves in the living room right now. Apparently
BBC's signals and Richard's electron cannon aren't the best of
friends at the time being and that means no film!
Oooooh, that shower really hit the spot, so to speak. I feel
cleansed and comfortable, and am currently enjoying a cool drink
and a warm atmosphere. Richard is trying to calculate how long
his recognition DATA lines are on average, and I think I gave him
a couple of ideas on how to do that easier. Hey, it actually
increased? Well, tough shit for him. The TV set is currently
showing some Dutch show that I don't understand a single word of,
and the occasional tune of music is also audible. Richard wants
me to do some coding... Bye!
Actually it was sortof an invitation for him to do some of his
own enhancing on "Antidote", but as far as I can see now he is
basically screwing around with my virus killer source. Just now
he saw something rather stupid and immediately changed it. I
trust him utterly, of course.
We just ate hutspot with onions, and I'm already farting a bit.
Well, not a bit actually. A lot. As you see it happens quite a
lot that I refer to bodily processes, as has before been observed
properly by Mr. Jurie Horneman (a.k.a. Relayer of QX) during the
Delta Force ICC #2. I really don't care much about my bodily
processes, but they just happen to be prevalent sometimes.
Leif is at the moment reading the previous ST NEWS issue again.
Sometimes he smiles, sometimes he laughs out loud. I guess he
likes it, especially the Cronos in Wonderland bit.
I will have a brief look at what Kai's up to, and after that I
think I will hit the porcelain god (for the first time in two or
three days, I'd like to detail).
That was a good 'un. And Terry Pratchett (some people take a
newspaper to their little room, I happened to take Pratchett's
"Guards! Guards!" with me) was quite brilliant - at least the bit
I could read during my brief session of excretion.
Did you know that Kai is quite like a walking ST NEWS
encyclopaedia? He keeps on relating almost ancient ST NEWS
writing to current-day reality. And what's worse, he even does
this with all crazy letters ever written. Including the ones of
the old Nutty times with the F-word and Ronny, and even most of
the letters that got sent to me. At least it proves to me that
there are some people (or at least ONE) who dig ST NEWS
sufficiently to actually read most of it. I wish there were more
like that. Most people just look at me with a politely blank
expression whenever I mention Googogulpex or the Mutant Maxi Mega
Monster of Multifizzic Omega. Not so with Kai, probably. He'll
probably even remember the Mørderous Gnærhelm and the Sperm Whale
Dish consumed, a man called Gro Harlem Brundtland and a whole
host of other, even more absurd things.
All in all, we seem to have written slightly around 35 Kb by
now. It's not actually getting on as easily as last time - but,
then again, last time was at the Delta Force ICC #2 which has at
least two or three dozen active real-time article participants.
So it's quits for now.
But not after I have said that my biorhythm has already been
shifted slightly. My body tells me it's about seven in the
evening, whereas in reality it is now almost half past eleven.
That's really it for now. I am going to indulge my papillae
Wednesday, December 30th 1992
I've just finished reading through the hidden articles of ST
NEWS Volume 7 Issue 3, and I can't say I feel very entertained
having read about maggots and sick people generally. I really
don't see the point of writing such articles. The hidden ones of
the earlier 7 generations are even worse in fact concerning sick
people doing sick things to other animate and inanimate people.
What's the point? The world is sick enough as it is considering
events recently in Jugoslavia and Somalia not forgetting
Maastricht a while ago... Why in addition do we have to face the
sick fantasy of people with totally twisted mental (hopefully)
ideas of sexual satisfaction. My dick stays unchanged, at least.
Some of the articles I haven't even managed to get through fully.
Fuck, I suddenly got in a good mood, and that means I can't
continue writing this, discussion ended, point made!
The reason for my sudden permanent flash of nice brainwaves
flooding my mind was some jokes made by all of us. The jokes are
a bit rude which means they won't be included in this article
which most probably will not be hidden.
Richard and Kai are again absorbed in the transmission of
photons from their respective SM 124s enhancing (or at least
changing) their micro-organism slayers. There seems to be no end
of inspiration in finding more subtle ways in wrecking havoc
among those germs!
Richard has, by the way, recently put on the Bel Canto CD he got
for Christmas. He really seems to enjoy that eerie, mood-
inspiring music. Bel Canto by the way is a Norwegian group,
originating from Tromsø, the town where I'm from. Their lead
figure, the female vocalist Anneli Drecker, has (a small delay
here, when Richard explained his continued farting as a fault
occuring along the lines of his earlier lifespan (GAS-ATTACK - he
did it again!!! Those farts are nearing Guinnes record lengths!))
a voice totally unresembling Richard's farts. And he blaims it on
the onions we had for dinner!
Bel Canto is getting better and better. "Spiderdust" this
particular song is called, so Kai informs me with zeal. It seems
that even other people cannot actually refrain from making
references to my particular metabolics.
Anyway, I am at the moment trying to get together enough
information to recognize the "Pompey Packer" 1.9f (or something
thereabouts) in the "Ultimate Virus Killer" link virus search. As
it happens, though, the "Pompey Packer" is much too slow to be of
practical use and basically what this means is that I won't be
able to use my computer for at least another 30 minutes until it
finishes packing a <70 Kb test program file. I have had people
tell me often that "Pack Ice" 2.40 is not actually fastest or
best, but all the alternatives they see are actually either
gruesomely slow (like the "Pompey Packer") or totally
incompatible with programs compiled by "GfA Basic" (which is the
case with "Atom" 3.5). So far, "Pack Ice" still seems to be the
best around, though Kai mentioned that it might be a good idea to
actually use TWO packers when packing - one average one and
"Atom" 3.5 afterwards, which should not create problems even with
"GfA Basic" compilations.
Hm. 'Compilations' doesn't exactly mean 'programs that were
originally "GfA Basic" source files but that have been compiled
with the "GfA Basic" compiler', now does it? I hate to say this,
but the German language has the word 'compilat' to cover this and
none of the other civilized languages seem to. Not even Dutch or
the vastly extensive English dialect.
Actually, my anal explosions are getting progressively smelly.
I like that.
Oh joy. Oh pleasure. we are about to witness Movie history, as
Richard is preparing the ST NEWS Home Vid' for us, three hours of
utter madness. Well, there's something wrong with his TV set so
he has to replace it with one they have in the spare bedroom.
Well, don't expect any immediate reactions, because I anticipate
some rather un-spasmic body movements in the general direction
of our beds afterwards (three hours from now)!
Including fast-forewinding the boring bits, we have just now
finished viewing the Home Vid'. It brought up old memories, the
performance of Stefan and me doing "One" being the undubitable
climax. Although I would not want to be back at that time, things
like this make me feel nice that at least I spent some quality
time in a time I would not like to be in now.
Leif is raiding the fridge again. I guess it's a particularly
Norwegian habit to do that - much in the way it is supposed to be
a typically Dutch habit to drape your solid excreta somewhere
where you can actually examine it before it being flushed down
the irevokable pit of damnation.
I have the living-room on my own now that Richard has gone to
join Miranda in their bedroom, and Leif has correctly occupied
their spare bed. Basically he did that because the previous two
nights I've been sleeping in beds and he's been sleeping on
couches, so now we're reversing roles. Bilbo and Cronos, the two
pet hamsters, are both active and making lots of noise, so I hope
I won't have any trouble getting some sleep. That is is for the
Another night passed without as much as bothering to stay for
tea. Cronos and Bilbo trod on all night. They tend to do that
sort of thing.
Back from town. The video camera is here, and the Nutties are at
the moment breaking their fast. I got up rather early - at half
past ten, to be more exact. We are at the moment trying to think
of a title for the Home Vid' that will be made in the next few
days. Perhaps it will be "Ooh that was nice" (as opposed to "OUCH
Home Vid'"), or "The Not OUCH Home Vid'". Perhaps we'll think of
something better before we start.
Perhaps (and, let's face it, most probably), we won't.
Within several minutes (if not less) we will be off to the local
shopping mall (well, it's actually a mallette) to get the videos
for the orgy tonight, as well as some crisps and stuff.
Back from the shopping spree (or spree-ette). Have to run. We're
off to the swimming pool now.
Back again. We've been swimming quite a while, not getting out
of the water until half past four. After that we, well, got out
and went to buy various refreshments and crisps for tonight.
Now we will go and do the titles for our video.
We have just finished filming the title sequence for the "Home
Vid' Without A Name", "The Home Vid' We Found No Name For", etc.
It was pretty stunning, with a Vangelis soundtrack (unfortunately
not exclusively written for the Home Vid') and real-time artwork
by Richard. Filming was done by yours truly, and Leif was the DJ.
In less than 45 minutes we expect the Quartermass Experiment to
drop in, and then the video orgy will commence!
Cacophony plays. I feel slightly chloric, probably because of it
being in Dutch swimming water. Actually, I would like to say
that we've spent most of our time trying to drown each other. As
a matter of fact, we did a total of 42 drownings (yes, we
counted). It's quite impossible to drown Leif, by the way,
because he simply clamps into a deathly embrace and drags you
down as well.
The swimming pool was filled with very young people. Little boys
and girls, actually, not exceeding the estimated age of twelve.
Whereas I don't have any pedarastic tendencies, I have to say
that the future of mankind looks promising. At least when it is
dressed in fluorescent bathing suits.
Outside, pre-adolescents are desperately trying to get attention
by letting various firework thingies blow up. I can't blame them,
really. If you cannot make yourself stand out of the crowd
because all of them including yourself are dimwitted and like
house music, I guess this is the perfect way. And it even bothers
the people around them a bit. What more do you want?
Actually I know something that I would want. Miranda is out at
the moment, and she probably won't be back until around midnight.
She went to eat with some of her friends (actually they are
female friends, but I guess one shouldn't use the phrase
Kai is coding again. Whenever he finds a spare moment (or, even
better, two or more of them) he starts making his virus killer
even better. As it is it is already pretty damn fast and almost
four times as small as mine - but I don't mind really.
Competition is good for the consumer, and now I know I will just
have to work my ass off in order to retain my head start. Whereas
previously I was scared of the Floppyshop's virus killer taking
away piece of the market, I am now actually much more frightened
of "Antidote" doing so. The Floppyshop virus killer, by the way,
has not been supported for a considerable amount of time and I
seem to recall it not even recognizing the later immunization
(It has in the mean time been discontinued, and taken over by
someone else, ED.)
Enough from me. Any time now I expect people to drop in. In
theory we should be watching videos for the coming twelve hours -
after which we'll be knackered utterly, I guess.
Perhaps I have still stuff to say. Yes. I will make a short
summary of the videos we intend to watch. First of all, "The
Fisher King". It's a version with Norwegian subtitles which Leif
and Kai gave me for Christmas (cheers guys!). Then "The Land
before Time", the original English version that I happen to own.
It's quite good and even sortof sensitive. Now for the ones we
rented this afternoon at the video store: "Robin Hood, Prince of
Thieves", "Flatliners", "Batman Returns", "Universal Soldier",
"Father of the Bride" and "The Nightbreed". I don't know the
order yet. All I hope is that the booze and crisps will keep all
the attendants satisfied long enough.
Now I've really written enough.
I've suddenly realized that I haven't written a single line
today. Shocking really considering my previous productivity!
Anyway, today has been quite eventful already (the first guest
just arrived someone called Scum or something), and it will
become even eventfuller, with this video-orgy-thingy happening
tonight. It is in fact just about to start happening.
We had great fun at the swimming-pool today, drowning each other
42 times, blocking the glide and so on. I'm pretty exhausted
actually, but I will survive the night. Scum is a really nice
guy, he is trying bravely to read some Norwegian, succeeding not
quite a lot!
I gotta fetch something liquid to put in my mouth. Bye.
I (Tjeerd) just put Marillion's "B'sides themselves" on
Richard's CD player (he's got a Sony CDP 997 AAAAARRRRGGGHHH,
it's the best!). We're waiting for the rest now. It seems the Z88
on which this text is written is running low on batteries so
Richard will port this text to his ST. Bye for now.
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.