"When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action: They
rented out my room."
THE FIRST HIDDEN ARTICLE
(WHICH IS HARDLY WORTH HIDING AS IT'S HARDLY CONTRAVERSIAL)
A little something for those of you with no taste at all.
Written by one C.W. Address and true name known with the ST NEWS
If you always suspected that Shakespeare's plays where not
really written by him at all, but where devised by those mystery
people known only as 'The exam board' as part of a secret MI5
research project to test the boredom threshold of Britain's young
people, then you may be suprised to find that you were absolutely
This disturbing plot, known as 'Operation Grey Socks', was
uncovered by some bored HCC members when during a particularly
uninspiring english lesson they found the skeleton of William
Shakespeare himself in the bottom of Mrs 'Red-pen masacare'
C******* (This name is blanked out to protect us from the
official secrets act). The skeleton was still holding an
original manuscript which we felt you might want to hear. Please
note that Shakespeare did have a rather crude sense of humour (In
fact it quite appeals to certain people here).
"There was a story, once of two
Stupid people in a stew.
One was Romeo, one Juliet
(And this is how they really met!)
There's something that was not explained,
How Juliet was varicosed-veined,
(And this I want to make quite clear)
That Romeo was a ravin' Queer!
It wasn't even properly said
That Romeo had the Friar in bed,
That Juliet would eat 'till sated
(She had her stomach nickel-plated!)
There was, of course, some quite large fights,
With plastic swords and pale brown tights.
Lots of screaming and mutilated faces,
(Repeated hits to the kegs with maces!)
Really messy, (guts and lunch!)
(Screaming as a back goes "Crunch!")
Soldiers yelling "Eat my club!"
(Or playing dominoes down the pub!)
(And now it might be elaborated,
How Romeo and the Friar mated,
While watching videos (triple-X rated)
of Juliet while she masterbated!)
He asked the Friar, who answered "Ooohhh, Please",
And hunkered down upon his knees.
(Gripping Romeo's cock), he grinned with malice,
(And smeared it with wine from the holy chalice!)
Enough now of that sordid tale,
(The Friar was looking rather pale),
And now to Juliet (who once was good),
Before becoming woefully obsessed with food.
By saying she's a really fat shit,
Would understate things (Quite a bit!),
While she was eating steak and gammon,
She was also causing widespread famine!
Now, at a club was where they met,
Romeo, and Juliet.
Through the crowds, to the bar, strutting,
(While the Friar and the Nurse were rutting),
He said "Ho! Love, will you tarry?",
She said "Romeo, will you marry?",
He said "O.k., but I'll still want to see -
My friends that are even more bent than me!"
And so, you've seen what the production was missing,
(It's not all balcony scenes with tits and kissing!)
I'll leave this tale, where it ends in debt,
('Cos Rome-owed what Julie-et!)"
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.