"Man is the only species neurotic enough to need a purpose in
Reginald Perrin, The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin,
THE MAO-KAO HOLY WARS
by Roy Stead
The war raged on for many centuries, a tide of desolation
engulfing the ravaged plains of the Taims's home planet.
No single Taim was quite sure how the War had started, nor
precisely why the two religious factions - Mao and Kao - had
found themselves locked into a life-or-death struggle with each
other. Each faction, after all, was equally as holy as the other,
and their religious and social beliefs were identical - each
revering the near-legendary Mother of their races, known only to
them as Homet, the Holy Mother.
But fight they did, and a bloody fight it was.
Our tale begins as the Mao sect all but faces extinction at the
hands of the Holy Kaos, and prepares for one last attempt to
save their threatened race - the leaders of the Mao are trying to
contact their worshipful Mother, Homet.
"And I say that Mother Homet is best reached using the Rite of
The Unborn Calf!" shrieks the leader of the Taimish Mao sect,
"So let us attempt the ceremony."
Unconvinced, but with no better ideas, the Maoish priests
gather into a huge circle, better to perform the Rite of The
Unborn Calf. The incantations begin, a low chanting providing the
backdrop to the bizarre actions performed within the circle.
Slowly, a blurred window appears in the circle, and a wizened
face comes into sharp focus within that window. The Holy Mother!
"Please, Oh Mother of Our Race, come to aid us in our need,"
requests the High Priest. All fall silent as the revered Mother
"This is Mother Homet. I'm afraid that I'm not in just now, but
if you would care to leave a message after the burst of heavenly
music...*CLICK* Sorry about that - Hello? This is Mother Homet,
I'm afraid that I cannot be seen to show any preferential
treatment towards any of my children. however, if you would care
to visit me, then maybe we can work something out. Sorry - must
dash, I've left the iron on...*CLICK*"
The window disappears, the chanting ceases, all is quiet. The
priests and congregation turn to face their leader: "What are we
"Well," says the leader," If Ma Homet won't come to the Mao
Taims, then the Mao Taims must go to Ma Homet..."
Roy Stead is a major force in fourth world metaphysics research,
holding - as he does - a masters degree in Pan-dimensional
psycho- dynamics. There is, unfortunately, some debate as to
whether such a degree exists, but - in the words of a small, pink
pussycat which Mr Stead encountered one day, "Miaaaoooow...."
Mr Stead's solicitors have asked me to add that the small, pink
pussycat, mentioned above, could - no doubt - have written the
story attributed to Mr Stead, had the feline not had other, more
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.