Issue 3 - "Waggling Joysticks and welcoming disc slots"
Yes, it's that time of the year when ST NEWS is released and
here as always is Perverts Monthly (er, which isn't very monthly
at all!) bringing you the best that Scotland has to offer (which
could explain our terrible economy!).
This issue is somewhat smaller than its predecessors but the
quality is just as high (well, about as high as you can get on a
small plastic bag from which someone has pinched all the drugs!).
For a fuller explanation read the editorial.
Well that's the intro so here is what's on offer today:
*Editorial - the little bit that welcomes you to a larger
*How to be a complete pervert part three. How to control the
use of OO-ER.
*Competition, Readers letters and Perverts forum. They were
introduced in our last issue and they end in this one! (Our first
*Story time - The final part of our thrilling epic, "The
last of the Bouffants"
Now read on...
"Wow, 8 inches!"
- Ann Diamond on 'Ann and Nick' talking about babies
Welcome once more to another issue of Perverts Monthly. This
issue is brought to you under under unusual conditions, namely
that Ringpull has moved to Aberdeen in Scotland - some few
hundred miles from Balfron! This move has left me somewhat
perplexed, I mean was it something I said?! Well no probably not
actually. It's more likely something to do with his fathers job,
such as he's been moved to the Aberdeen branch of BP.
Anyway we hope that his moving house etc. will not stop him
managing to write his several articles due to appear in this
issue of Perverts Monthly. If it does I'll fire him!
On a brighter note I can assure you, our treasured readers, that
we will still be bringing you many more issues of Perverts
Monthly, straining every part of our mortal beings (most
definitely an OO-ER here) to make each one better than the last
(we made it easy on ourselves by starting at a very low level!).
Some of you will notice that this issue is relatively small. Our
excuse for this is that writing articles while having panic
attacks thinking about your exam results (yes! It's that time of
year again!) can be very awkward. Hopefully (no promises though!)
the next issue will be back to normal (well as normal as a mag
like this can be anyway!).
For all you normal readers out there you can, if you like, skip
the rest of this article. However if you happen to be one of
those people who produce ST NEWS and insist on putting your own
comments into all the articles on the disk then I feel the need,
on behalf of the entire Perverts Monthly staff to make an
"Damn Scotsmen"?! "Damn Scotsmen"! Well shucky darn and slop the
chickens! Well Shoot the horse and slap me silly! Well paint me
red and stuff a crowbar up my left nostril! (OK enough!) All of
us at Perverts Monthly could not believe our eyes when we read
the aforementioned comment from the ST NEWS staff concerning us,
in our last issue, asking you, the reader, to send mail to us
instead of them! I mean what a bloody cheek! The whole point in
getting people to send mail to us was to allow them to enter our
competitions etc. But apparently you're meant to do this without
sending mail to us! Oh well.
Now that we've all got that off our chest we accept the
apologies of the ST NEWS staff and hold no grudge what so ever
against them (well, maybe just a little one). (I hope my
excruciatingly sincere apologies are accepted, ED.)
Now reader do as your title suggests and read on, this issue of
Perverts Monthly is now underway... (Oh yes and Ringpull, you owe
me a fiver - I told you I could get more than 5 mentions of
Perverts Monthly in the editorial!) (eh? - RP)
"Wait till you see it. But I need someone to hold the sheep
- from Sesame Street
HOW TO BE A COMPLETE PERVERT PART 3: INTERMEDIATE LEVEL
For the last two parts in this series you have been introduced
to the basics concerning the use of the oo-er and its meaning. It
is now time to develop these talents more fully.
The lesson this time is in selectivity of of OO-ER's. As you are
about to see, the OO-ER is so diverse that it is capable of
making ordinary conversations completely incoherent, unless you
choose which OO-ER's to comment on.
I will now talk about various, innocent things. All OO-ER's will
be mentioned but note: Those in bold are of a childish and not
particularly funny nature while those in italics are more
sophisticated and worthy of mention in a real conversation.
O.K. Here goes (OO-ER!) Wait a minute I haven't started yet (OO-
ER! I guess that means it must be coming! (OO-ER))
Enough. Already this is becoming ridiculous! I will now talk of
something completely non-perverted...
Well, (OO-ER! It's a dark, wet hole! Yes that one was really
bad!) how about a topical mention of exam results...
Let's see, (OO-ER! Peeping Tom's favourite saying! (Or whatever
their name may be!)) I gained the required qualifications for
entry (OO-ER) to university. Ringpull got an 'A' in Higher
English (all death threats to the usual address please - bombs
(OO-ER! Something that blows you, fucks you, then disappears
leaving you in pieces!) not returnable.)
Oh dear! (OO-ER! (Even though it should be pronounced
differently)) I suppose I'd better stop now. (OO-ER) This is
getting to much! (OO-ER! bring on the whips!) Even for me!
Anyway as you can see a blatant use of OO-ER's in general
conversation is not advised so use your educated minds and be
Right, that's it for this issue. Keep practising out there and
soon you'll have them rolling off your tongue (OO-ER. I think).
"How to be a complete pervert" was sponsored by Mass Ovation
Plc. in association with the Mr Marjacq life accomplishment fund
for swimming pools.
"It's fantastic, isn't it Kirsty"
- Stewart McColl, Scotland Today weather forecaster
COMPETITION, READERS LETTERS AND PERVERTS FORUM
Dear oh dear. Dear oh dear oh dear. Dear oh Dear!
What a huge response we had to our three above mentioned
articles. A whopping great 0, yes count them zero! letters were
sent to not one, not two, but all three of these articles.
Oh well, never mind. I guess this is just a reflection on the
lack of enthusiasm in the world today (then again, maybe not!).
Well despite the fact that you, our treasured readers, did not
feel like becoming a more active part of this magazine, we at
Perverts Monthly have still decide to give some sample answers to
For those of you who didn't even read the competition last time
the challenge was to find perverted things about each word in a
list we provided. Here are our answers:
1. tacks - short hard things - OO-ER (Well nobody's
2. grace - Also known as Grace "take all your clothes off in
every film you appear in" Jones - OO-ER
3. tintinnabulation - "bell ringing" - Who's bell am I going
to ring next? - OO-ER (not very difficult that one)
4. synthesize - "A man made copy of" - Call me blunt but
what's a dildo? (They do look quite nice as garden ornaments
though -Ed. Now don't start those daffadildo jokes again!-RP)-OO-
5. Photosynthesis - PHOTO?! Come (cum?) on now. We all know
what some photo's show (and it ain't yer grandmother matey!)
6. Concorde - "long, hard, sleek and goes faster than the
speed of sound" (Just like a seven foot two inch negro who
suffers from premature ejaculation!) - OO-ER
7. mitigate - "to lessen the severity, violence or evil of"
- Ahh! (OO-ER) Kinky sex at last! Was it bondage, orgy or
domination (whatever it was it was fun!) - OO-ER
8. gastronomic - "art of good eating" - well, we all know
what's worth a good lick in this life! - OO-ER
9. coalition - the joining of two parties (e.g. people)
Obviously in this case the join is a physical one made of leather
(or perhaps chains) = bondage = OO-ER
10.Xenon (the inert gas) - although inert this gas does,
under certain conditions, combine with other covalent sub stances
(oxygen being a good example) to form an ionic compound. This
means it loses its bits (electrons), which is very similar to
what happened to Ringpull's cat! (Haha, Zizzles!)
O.K. then. That's about all we're likely to see in the way of
competitions for a while but I'm sure you'll agree it's no great
loss. Anyway read on to some of the more established articles in
Which of course means you have now reached the good bit...
Here we are again, another issue, another column. Just to set
the scene I am sitting here in my back room having just got back
from my holiday two and a half hours ago. There is nothing on
the stereo so I can sit here looking out the window at the good
old Scottish rain and share these moments with you.
Unfortunately all this peacefulness reminds me that I have only a
week left in this lovely little village called Balfron (ahem!).
For after this it will be a week of packing everything, including
my beloved ST, into big brown boxes and trucking it 150 miles
north to a house on a hill in the middle of nowhere (which, in
case you were wandering, is 20 miles west of Aberdeen) where I
shall spend a hopefully relaxed year before moving again next
summer (providing I get accepted for a degree course somewhere).
In the remaining week I have a hundred and one things to do,
including writing this issue, so let's get on with it.
Just what has happened during four years of living in Central
Scotland? I've got a bit older (obviously), I've met new people,
I've got to know Glasgow, I've seen a hell of a lot of rain...
One thing I won't miss is the western Scottish climate: Cloudy
and wet. Actually it has stopped raining now, so I may venture
outside and wander up the street to see Number 5, one of the
people I have come to know since moving to this area. What can I
say about Number 5 (that I won't regret later)? ST owner, bloody
good games player (Or at least compared to me) and complete and
utter pervert. Along with him and two other weird and quite
possibly wonderful people I formed a demo crew called the HCC
(Henry's Cat Crew). I don't really know why, since we haven't
released any demos. I have written a few screens but our
collective graphical abilities let us down, so the source code
stays in my demos folder waiting for some graphics and to be
finished off. We thought of doing a mega-demo but unfortunately
I am the only ST coder in the group and the mere thought of the
effort involved makes me start yawning and reaching for my
pillow. In other peoples demos I read of how lazy they claim to
be, but if they are that lazy how do they find the energy to
finish any of their demos? After hours of thought I have come up
with a simple solution to this problem: They lie. I have a
sneaking suspicion that they are all super efficient people who
sleep for only 4 hours in 24. Well, I suppose that's what comes
from most of them being German (whoops, getting a bit xenophobic
But here is some good news: There is a possibility of a HCC
demo being finished sometime soon. It may include excellent
music, superb 3D and a lot of dinosaurs. It will be very
impressive and have nothing to do with the film "Jurassic Park".
Unfortunately it will be written on the ST, not the Falcon. This
is a shame as I would really like to write a screen for this
machine, but it is difficult when you don't own one.
But enough of talk of Scotland and demos, it's time for what's
known as 'topical discussion'...
The Falcon is still here, but not in numbers and not at a
cheaper price. I can still not afford one. No new news here.
Atari are obviously using the maximum force of their marketing
machine to sell us 'The first ever personal multimedia system'.
One thing they have done is printed the glossy brochures, which
is where that quote came from.
Leafing through the brochure I can find several mistakes and for
some reason the machine is never actually referred to as a
'computer' throughout the whole brochure. Instead it is deemed a
'personal multimedia system'. What a nice, short and concise
Another brochure I picked up in the computer shop was one of
software available and 'under development' for the Falcon. Half
of it is full of paint programs and animators. The rest is
filled with a few direct-to-disk sound recorders and a list of
games, almost all of which are 'under development'.
While I was picking up these brochures I got to see and actually
touch a Falcon for the first time. I was quite impressed by some
of the true colour slideshows. But not so with the 'mutant'
green default desktop configuration and the still present phantom
keyclick problem. I cannot really comment on the power of the
machine as there wasn't much software on the hard drive, but it
was reassuring to find out with my own senses that the machine
I am still waiting for Atari to say more about the future Falcon
machines, particularly the 68040 based ones. It seems strange
that Atari are so eager to tell us that the Falcon030 is only the
first in a series of machines, yet keep so quiet about these
While flicking through an Amiga magazine in the newsagents I saw
an article about an 'Amiga 5000' which supposedly will have a
68060 and two 68040 processors. I feel that this is probably a
panic article induced by Amiga owner's insecurity about their own
machines after the arrival of the Falcon, but even so, we will
eventually be seeing 060 based Amigas and STs so it would be nice
if Atari could make the effort to bring them to us sooner rather
On a slightly different note, "MultiTOS" has finally been
released. For under £50 you can now get "MultiTOS" and Atari's
new Vector-font-based "GDOS". "MultiTOS" will now be supplied
with the Falcon and if you already have a Falcon you are entitled
to it free. I will not be buying it though, as I already have a
pre-release version and I do not feel that it is worth the cost
of getting the proper release. There are still much incompatible
software and my ST is a bit underpowered to do the work I do
under a multitasking system, as programs run at about 50% of
their normal speed.
I am assured, however that the most important feature will be
present; being able to recolour all the desktop components as you
can in TOS 4. No more 2-colour windows!
1994, it seems, will be the year of the console as the current
batch of 16 bit consoles will be superseded by 32 and 64 bit
systems. Among these will be Sega's 32 bit Megadrive (Late '94),
Commodore's 32 bit CD console and the long awaited Atari 64 bit
Jaguar. If you haven't heard of it yet (i.e. you don't read any
ST magazines) then I can tell you that it is supposed to have a
64 bit RISC processor, 24 bit colour (i.e. 16.7 million colours
on screen at once) and something in the region of 16-channel 16
bit sound. The machine is being released in the States this
Christmas and should be released over here early next year. I
have also heard that Atari have signed a deal with the media
giants Time-Warner, opening up a huge range of film and TV
licences to Atari's Jaguar software developers.
I have also heard that Nintendo are developing their new console
too. Like the Jaguar it is to be based on a 64 bit processor and
to have specialised graphics circuits. Nintendo are developing
their 3D hardware in conjunction with Silicon Graphics, leaders
in the 3D computer graphics market. If they can produce that
kind of hardware at a price under £500 pounds it will be a very
good machine indeed (the Silicon Graphics Extreme graphics card
can display 620,000 polygons a second in 24 bit colour and costs
It should be interesting to see how the latest battle in the war
of the consoles will develop. Atari once again seem to have the
superior technology, but whether they can compete against the
amazing marketing powers of Sega and Nintendo remains to be seen.
If you want to read more of my opinions on Life, The Universe
and Computers, try looking in the 'Educational' areas of ST NEWS
as I have been writing some more technically biased articles.
There has been a definite decline in technical articles in ST
NEWS and I feel that this situation can be improved. I have a
vision of ST NEWS becoming once again the prestigious title it
once was (what is this guy on?) and this can only happen if more
of you people out there write articles. We can give people a
excellent and cheap alternative to the regular newsstand
publications, if more people put some effort into it!
Back to the real world...
I haven't seen many films recently, but I did see what must
surely be the summer's biggest film, "Jurassic Park". After
cutting through the hype, the merchandise and booking my tickets
in advance, I sat down to witness the cause of the current
outbreak of Dinomania. I must admit that I am not in a position
to give an unbiased review of this film as the main reason I went
to see it was to witness the computer generated dinosaurs.
Having read the book before, I was quite disappointed to find the
plot had been simplified quite a bit for the film, but the
dinosaurs were amazing. I know I can't really say that they were
realistic as I have never seen a dinosaur, but I'll say it
anyway; They were bloody realistic. This film is worth seeing
just for the dinosaurs, particularly if, like me, you have an
interest in computer graphics.
A week has passed since I started writing this (yes, I am a slow
typist) and I am now sitting in a small room in my new home in
Aberdeen. The room is a mess as we are drastically short of
desks to put things on and I am trying to fit two computers into
a room half the size of the one they were in previously. The
house is full of half unpacked boxes, the cat has gone neurotic
and spends most of its time hiding under the bed, and worst of
all, the pool table isn't up yet!
Also, if anyone wants to offer me a part-time job on Wednesdays
and Thursdays in the Aberdeen area, please do!
It seems like quite a while ago now, but I did go on holiday
this summer, and I of course would like to share my experiences
with you. I only do it to annoy people but no one has yet
complained about the absurd number of holidays I take.
RINGPULL'S REPORT - FROM EUROPE
It's Holiday time again! This latest report is about my
exploits in Austria and northern Italy. So lets jump aboard our
metaphorical Tardis and travel back two weeks to Friday...
The car (a rather expensive blue Audi) now has a ridiculous
roofbox on it (a cheap one from Halfords) and has been carefully
packed so that everything will fit but there will still be room
for plenty of duty-free booze. After putting the cat in the shed
and going back into the house four times to make sure nothing has
been left behind, we all jump happily into the car and head
south. 20 miles and half an hour later the novelty has worn off
and everyone is not so happy. After a couple of motorways which
are only half open due to roadworks everyone is rather unhappy.
After stopping at the services at Scotch Corner everyone is quite
upset as they have just been ripped off for some tasteless
hamburgers. At 5pm we reach Hull and everyone gets out to sit on
the pavement for the sheer pleasure of feeling something
different under their backsides.
Why Hull? Well, when you live in Scotland it is a hell of a
long drive to Dover, so rather than taking a very long drive to
the south coast and having a short ferry crossing, we drive to
Hull and get an overnight ferry. Unfortunately this is not
The ferry is quite large with a large number of fruit machines
and bars to take more money from you. Also there is the We-
replaced-the-tax-with-a-larger-profit-margin shop (also known as
the duty-free shop) where you can buy nothing you want at the
same prices as anywhere else. After stuffing myself in the
restaurant with average but plentiful food (dinner and breakfast
are included in the ticket price) I go to bed.
I am woken up in four different languages at 6 AM, but that's 6
AM European time which is 5 AM UK time and I've only had 5 hours
sleep and it's going to take 12 hours to drive to Italy and there
are already queues at the showers and the restaurant and
Several cups of coffee later we emerge from the ferry into
Europo(o)rt near Rotterdam(n) only to find that it looks very
much like Hull. There are, however, tell-tale differences such
as everybody driving on the wrong side of the road. Wait a
minute. Oh Sh*t!! Arrgghh! <Panic> <Scream> <Swerve>. Oh yes,
they drive on that side here.
After a nearly premature end to my holiday I sit back as far as
the car will allow and watch Europe glide past my window for 12
hours. From the cylist's paradise of the Netherlands to the Alps
where the Autobahn (that's foreign, that is) never actually lies
on the ground but is either elevated on stilts or tunnelling
through mountains. During this time my mind starts to wander and
brings up those unanswerable questions I ask myself every time I
drive through Europe.
Why do all the Dutch have caravans? Why is the length of the
road marked at 500 metre intervals all the way down it? How can
all the Germans afford to drive Mercedes (actually it seems that
not enough of them do. Daimler Benz will be having to fire a lot
of people soon due to this phenomenon. It might be recession.
Sorry for budding in your article like this, ED.)?
At about 10 PM we arrive at the small town of Cannero on the
shore of Lake Maggiori. Find the apartment, unload the car and
do the only sensible thing: Go to sleep.
Lake maggiori is beautiful, the weather is sunny and every one
is happy once again.
One thing you realise about this area is that there are a lot of
Germans here. Admittedly the apartments we're staying in are run
by a German holiday company, but there are also a lot of German
second homes on the hillsides and Mercedes driving around. But
at least if your Italian isn't any good a lot of the people speak
Lake Maggiori has water sports and boat tours, one of which I
took to Isla Bella, where there is a stately home and gardens
open to the public (but only if they pay). I am not a great
appreciator of art, but I must say I think the whole thing was
overdone. Why the gardens have to be full of half-naked statues
is beyond me.
You can also take a ferry across the lake to the other towns and
we did this one day to see the market in Luino. Although many of
the stalls are selling stuff for the tourists there are still a
lot of interesting stalls and a great atmosphere.
The thing I love most about Italy, after Italian women, is
Italian food. I could spend my whole holiday just eating Italian
food and looking at Italian women, and for a lot of the time I
did. The food is cheap, the portions are large and the quality
is excellent. There was a very good pizzeria about a mile down
the road and I can tell you that Pizza Hut has a long way to go.
Unfortunately after a week we had to leave Italy and travel to
the town of St. Micheal in central Austria for the second week of
Unfortunately we hit the town at the same time as a weekend
cycle race was taking place, meaning that the population of the
town had swollen by several thousand. This made it very
difficult to find anywhere to eat during the weekend.
After Italy both the food and the weather were a disappointment.
The area is really a ski resort but it does try to promote hill
walking in summer. We did a couple of hill walks, the views were
nice, the weather was changeable and the food average. This area
is best visited for a skiing holiday, although it also looks like
a good area for cycling provided you don't mind mountains. A
trip to Salzburg had to be abandoned as the weather was terrible
and we couldn't find a parking place. This was a shame as I
wanted to see the city.
After taking two days to drive back to Rotterdam, staying at
'Deutschlands grÖsstes Motel' (I quote from the pen I stole from
the room) (actually, it wasn't that big), we take the ferry back
and arrive home suffering from the traditional post-holiday
depression. This was not helped when a week later we received a
letter from 'Deutschlands grÖsstes Motel' claiming we had taken
£5 worth of drink from the mini-bar. Personally I would never
consider taking anything from one of those hideously overpriced
"It was badly handled... the government sat on it."
- Labour Spokesperson
THE LAST OF THE BOUFFANTS
Once more you brave, intrepid readers manage to make your way to
this, the final article in our wonderful mag. This time we bring
you the concluding part of our story - "The last of the
Last time our hero the frontiersman (also known as "Birdseye The
Passageprober") and his two Indian sidekicks from the Bouffant
tribe, Cupasoop and Mucus were called to General Rolfe's tent...
"G'day fellas," General Rolfe bellowed in welcome to our heroic
threesome as they pushed through the first tent and entered his
rear quarters. He was an energetic man, with horn-rimmed
spectacles and a bushy black beard.
"How you doin'? A-wah-a-wah-a-waha," he gibbered, while
simultaneously wobbling a large piece of hardboard, manipulating
his didgeridoo, and frantically running a hand up and down his
third leg. "We've got a problem cobbers," continued Rolfe. "Cora
and Pippin Apple, the daughters of Governor Worcester Apple of
Pennsylvania, have been carried off by Indians!"
"Hugeones?" Cupasoop enquired.
"Well, Cora's would fill a couple of tucker bags," Rolfe
replied. "But the chicks' frontal fruits aren't what concerns me.
If you don't get them back there's gonna be a stink like a skunk
let loose in a cesspit and I'm gonna end up swinging from a tree
with kids using my nuts for conkers".
"OK, General," Birdseye said with a devil-may-care shrug. "We'll
try and find them for you, but bear in mind that the forest out
there's as vast, green and alien to men as a branch of Bodyshop."
"But at least it doesn't have such a sickly smell," said Mucus.
"Or those soaps that are shaped like endangered animals," added
Heartened by these positive thoughts, our noble threesome left
their commander's tent.
"How the hell will we find these women?" Birdseye pondered
Cupasoop nodded sagely. "We must consult with Higherpurchase,
the great soothsayer," the wise old Bouffant said. "He knows all
things. And then some. Every man may ask him one question in his
life and have the answer given to him."
"Oh Wow! Totally brilliant!" yelped Mucus. "I've never been able
to figure out the line after 'Close friend's get to call him TC'
in the Top Cat theme song."
At the Long House of Hirepurchase
The village of the great sage was located on the shores of Lake
Itchigooli. Birdseye and the Bouffants found Hirepurchase seated
by a log fire. He was as small as the scrotum of an Eskimo who'd
just fallen through the ice.
"They say you know all things, Hirepurchase," Birdseye the
Passageprober said reverently. The ancient medicine man nodded
"Go ahead," he croaked, "test me if you want to."
Birdseye thought for a moment before speaking.
"Twenty years ago to this very day," he said, "I took an Indian
squaw from her wigwam and made love to her in the woods. What was
Hirepurchase studied the white man for what seemed an eternity.
"Pocafrontas" he said eventually.
Birdseye leapt back in astonishment at the old man's answer. So
too did Cupasoop.
"You bastard, Birdseye," he barked, "she was my fiancee. "How
His friend shook his head sadly.
"Well, you know how it is. I had a few lagers and I felt like an
Indian carry out."
"Never mind that," interjected Mucus. "What's the line after
'Close friends get to call him TC?'"
Hirepurchase's shrunken, wrinkled face broke into a grin.
"Everyone wants to know that one," he cackled. "Wait until the
end of the story and I might just tell you the answer!"
Two days later...
Following the instructions of Hirepurchase, the bold triumvirate
had moved along the banks of the Hudson River (believed to be the
only major geographical feature on Earth named after a character
played by Gordon Jackson, by the way) until they forked off to
the North near Bunkup Hill. Within a few miles they found
themselves athwart a ridge overlooking the camp of Hugeones.
"Jeez," hissed Mucus, "look at the size of their poles."
"Yeah," said Cupasoop. "It'd take a helluva lotta whittling to
pull off something like that."
"Sure as darnit need more than one pair of hands to get it up,"
added Birdseye, who was keen to show the savages that white men
were totally superior in the completely-gratuitous-penis-totem-
pole-innuendo department. "And it looks like one of the Apple
women is helping them to do just that," he added pointing to a
pale skinned beauty whose nubile nipples were pressing against
her deerskin shirt like a pair of AA batteries in a pseudo
"Cor. Er!" squeaked Cupasoop as he caught sight of her.
"That's right, Pop," Mucus stammered, "Cora. You must remember
her. She's the chick I had sex with in Philadelphia."
"How could I forget," the older Bouffant grunted, "I was
scraping that cream cheese off the wigwam floor for weeks."
"You had carnal knowledge of an European woman? How dare you!"
Birdseye cried aghast.
"It wasn't so scary," Mucus grinned. "And you know how it is. It
was a hot summer evening and slipping into a white sweater just
seemed the right thing to do."
"Way to go, boy," laughed Cupasoop.
Silently, Birdseye and the Bouffant duo sneaked into the Hugeone
village, and having located the teepee of Pippin Apple expertly
slipped between her flaps.
"Don't be alarmed, Miss," Birdseye whispered. "I am a white man.
These two Indians are my friends, Cupasoop and Mucus."
"Gosh," simpered Pippin, who was as wet and weedy as a newt
sanctuary, "what unusual names. They're so different!"
"Really?" said our heroes in unison. "We thought Mucus and
Cupasoop were pretty similar!"
Ten years later
Birdseye the Passageprober walked along the banks of the Hudson.
Many years had passed since his brilliant rescue of the Apple
sisters. His companions of those years, Mucus and Cupasoop, had
long since gone to the happy hunting ground, and thanks to
General Rolfe, Britain now controlled all of America.
As he turned a bend in the river, Birdseye found himself face to
face with Hirepurchase. He walked forward to greet the old man,
palm upraised. "How," he said.
The wise Indian looked up at him, "Doggy-style," he said, "so
neither of you get pine needles in your asses".
"You can't end on a gag as weak as that," replied Birdseye.
"What about telling me the line after 'Close friends get to call
him TC', oh wise one?"
"Well it actually goes 'Providing it's with dignity', but that
sounds crap so I always sing 'Providing it's whipped cream for
"Still not much of an ending," said Birdseye with a melancholy
"No," said Hirepurchase. "Shall we try doing the 'How' gag
"Probably better not," advised Birdseye. "With any luck nobody
will have read this far on anyway. Let's just sneak off now while
they're not looking. I could murder a pint."
AND THAT'S IT
...from us. I have just spent the last half hour feeding this
file to my spellchecker and had to wade through hundreds of words
like "hugeone" and "Hirepurchase". Maybe I should put it through
the grammar checker next! The address, as always, is
25 Kiltrochan Drive
See you next time!
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.