"The world is fucked and so am I. Maybe it's the other
way round, I can't seem to decide."
Stop it you're killing me / Therapy?
MUSICK OF IT ALL
- or -
THE ULTIMATE, LAST AND COMPLETE GUIDE TO TRUTHS CONCERNING MUSIC
(TERMINATING ALL KINDS OF MYTHS AND COMPLAINTS)
the mysterious Lars "Music Guru" Johansson
Sometimes I get some sort of an afro hairstyle, a typical grunge
beard and act like a drug-crazed dog to the sound of dear
diseased Kurt Cobain's fabulous Nirvana. At other occasions I
wear nothing but black clothes, grow a monstrous hair and
violently bang my head to the nasty sound of Sepultura, or even
better, Dismember (Entombed has gotten too commercial, savage
beasts don't sell their mutilated bodies).
In the morning I like to drift away to Beethoven's, Gynt's,
Mozart's and the other dead blokes' nice classical tunes. I can
lie there and envisage myself in a wonderful park together with
the sexiest chick in the world. When I'm in a heavy mood I join
Metallica's crowd when Sandman tucks me in and nothing else
matters. In the night I want to follow the ecstatic masses that
are grotesquely devoting themselves to the beat of Prodigy. If I
get any time left then I make my way thru the joint fog that has
arisen to hide the crazee faces of the Cypress Hill mobsters. The
L.A. spliffters have done some pretty nice stuff, like Insane in
the brain, When the sh-- goes down, I ain't goin' out like that,
Stoned is the way of the walk and I wanna get high. Cypress Hill
is an example of the actual existence of good hip hop/rap
constellations. If it's a dark (or kinda brownish) evening, then
it might be an idea to plow around in the middle of a cotton
field, in pursuit of the lost blues. When I feel like a priest,
an atheist and an anarchist at the same time I just have to get a
crest and heal the world together with the permanent punk chaps.
There's a time and place for all kinds of music, even if it
sometimes is a junkyard at midnight. I get so tired of all those
people who devote their lives to discuss what kind of music that
is superior. What a bloody waste of time! Therefore I've decided
to type this article so that you poor fellows don't have to
discuss the matter no more. Yes, it's very thoughtful of me to do
I can't see why there should be one style of music only. I mean,
there are lots of animals in the forest's fauna. It's great that
there are plenty of music styles in the sonic flora. Listen to
what you like and don't care about the rest! Mind your own
business and everybody will live happily ever after. Personally I
prefer different kinds of music at different occasions. It also
depends on which mood that I'm in at the very time being.
I read something about House music written by the editor,
Richard, of this mag. He was obviously pissed off with all kinds
of dance music, I believe. I think that it's a good thing that
techno and rave music exist because you need it on the dance-
floor! Perhaps I'm expressing an opinion that the younger people
of today have. I mean, you have to rave every now and then,
sortof. Perhaps is rave the modern courtship and the monotonous
voices might be mating calls, who knows? Freud. You don't need
LSD or such crap to rave. You can rave with or without alcohol.
The rave/techno dance is a way of using all superfluous energy
and expressing all basic emotions. I mean, you don't get to use
your feet and arms properly when you headbang. Bang your head on
Friday and Rave on Saturday to give every part of the body what
it needs. You can reach a magical level on the dance-floor if you
train your senses. Use your own energy! The drawback with
headbanging is that you can get Whiplash damages on your neck,
that is what I got once. I couldn't really move my head without
feeling a terrible pain for several days. What about techno
dancing then? Well, I've gotten damages from that too. I have had
internal bleedings in my feet and other wounds on my poor feet.
Well, it's better than wounds on your butt due to sitting too
much. Techno and Rave music is a must on the dance-floor. But,
you don't really need it at home. You're supposed to dance to it,
not sit at home and listen to it. You're supposed to listen to
pure noise at home! Why not swap the Guinness for Therapy's
latest album. Perhaps you can sell your collection of empty
Budweiser (I hope you know what Monty Python says about American
beer) cans and buy a Metallican (I hope you know what it is).
Listen to your lower instincts... Don't forget that you can be a
straight edge dude and still rave like a maniac.
The best band right now is Therapy? 'Troublegum' is a superb
album, buy it now! Therapy? proves that Ireland is more than
Irish coffee, Guinness, Irish folk songs, House of Pain, Sinead
O'Connor (Skinhead? Yawn!) and U2 (the most overrated band ever).
Therapy? is what everybody like me needs! Troublegum contains
nothing but songs that will become historical one day. Every song
will obtain cult status one day (hopefully tomorrow!). Long live
Screamager, Trigger inside, Femtex, Nowhere, Stop it you're
killing me, etc. Give Therapy? some f&#kin' Grammies now! I think
I'll quote Therapy? a little in the end of this trash (or was it
thrash, it depends).
What I'm trying to say with this article is that I think that
it's good that there is a variety of sounds in this world. I need
diversified sonic impressions to survive this earth thang. I'm
not saying that I like all kinds of music, but I like more than
one style. One rule is: fast music is good music. If it isn't
fast then it needs to be heavy.
-> Move to the groove <-
Let there be no doubt. The road is straight. The freedom is
close. The key to success lies in the palm of your hand. Please,
can I rent a place to store my heart in? I'm in never neverland!
Yes! A beautiful world lies to my feet. And, the world that I'm
talking about is no world else than the fantastic world of
frequencies. Yep, sounds built up of different frequencies,
frequencies formed in different patterns, patterns played in
different orders, tunes collected in small plates of pleasure and
senses in full action. That's what the world of music is! That's
the place to be, no doubt. Get deep and dig into the fabulous
smorgasbord of music! My mind is sparkling of ideas. Just like a
growing potato next to a fertile goat. Or a fetal tissue waitin'
for rebirth... Or perhaps the other way round?! Ahem.. (and that
is ahem, not amen). Nope, this is the truth, and nothing but the
truth. All objections overruled.
There I was, pointing the rifle to my temple once again. I
didn't fear death no more but I couldn't choose whether to
squeeze the trigger or not. Big drops of sweat covered my body
and my arms were shaking. My heart hammered. All I had to do was
to pull that damn trigger. "What are you waiting for?", I asked
myself. I couldn't aim too well because of my shaking arms. My
mind was full of temptation. Death ruled my thoughts. "Why me?",
I said to myself. It wasn't exactly twilight of the gods but it
was bad enough as it was. Psychological pain. Doom. Time to end
this human life. Time to resurrect. Time to rehearse. A single
ticket to eternity, paradise awaits me. I closed my eyes and
squeezed the trigger. "BAAANG". I'm dead I thought. But when I
opened my eyes again I realised that I had missed. Goddamn it!
This was my third attempt. Then, suddenly, I woke up from my
mental meltdown and screamed at the wind. Aaaargh! This was the
result of twenty years of mental degeneration and oral
incontinence. My slandering big mouth had ruined my entire
life... And, as if that wasn't enough, my fave pet had died in a
car crash, my beloved sheep. Well, as I'm already discussing it,
I could tell you that it was pink, but I'm not sure whether I
will do that or not. Ooops, I guess it's too late to decide that
now.. Anyway, later on, I loaded a real ghetto blaster, and guess
what? I didn't commit suicide. Five seconds later I was
resurrected by the lovely sound of the ghetto blaster.
Moral: Never use a gun, rifle, flame-thrower or whatever. Use a
ghetto blaster instead! If you do so, you might be able to read
"and he/her lived happily ever after", in the history of your
life... That is, if you're going to attend your own funeral, I
Do you understand what I'm trying to get you to understand
without understanding that you understand it? Anyway, I wouldn't
wear a T-shirt saying "I'm too stupid to understand logarithms".
I would prefer a T-shirt with the text "I don't give a fuck about
algorithms"! But I'm really glad that some people like maths. I
prefer other methods to get high. One method is to wear platform
Listen to whatever you like and do whatever you like as long as
it doesn't hurt anybody. Bang your head often and let your feet
bang a little as well.
Bonus quotes! Yes! Therapy?!!! Troublegum... Some rather short
"Now the dream has gone and your friends just tell you
lies, then you realize you gonna die anyway.
I think I've gone insane
I can't remember my own name
I think I've gone insane"
Die Laughing / Therapy?
"Don't belong in this world or the next one.
Wasting every day to my own end.
Feeling awkward, feeling clumsy, hating.
Everything I've ever done before.
Then you leave me, like the others.
Leave me too much time on my own.
On my own.
On my own.
On my own".
Unbeliever / Therapy?
"Here comes a girl with perfect teeth.
I bet she won't be smiling at me.
I know how Jeffry Dahmer feels.
Lonely. Lonely. I was awkward as
a child. Blueprint for my wretched
life. Confidence. I've been denied.
Lonely. Lonely. Something in my head
it won't switch off when I'm alone.
I've got a trigger inside"
Trigger Inside / Therapy?
I must say that Therapy? has created the most interesting lyrics
of today. It's just brilliant. It seems like Therapy? has got the
recipe for perfect texts.
I'm trying to figure out if Mexico is a better country than
Ireland. What I mean is that Mexico has got Tequila, Corona,
Tacos, Tortillas and cactuses. Ireland has got Guinness, Kilkenny
(what about Murphy's?, ED.), the green landscape, folk songs,
friendly pubs and Therapy?. I s'pose Ireland is the winner so
far.. Yes, it is!
Do something more creative than to decide what everybody should
listen to. Well, I've got to stop this, I'm killing you. Listen
to thrash metal, hardcore, heavy metal, grunge, blues, classical
music, blues, rap, hip hop, rave, techno, pop or whatever. Try
new musical experiences as well. OK?
Peace 2 U, Woodstockers!
P.S. I need Therapy? and you might need it to without knowing
it... Word up!
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.