MORE MISCELLANEOUS DRIVEL BY NORWEGIANS
(TAKEN FROM A RATHER LONG LETTER)
OR: HIDDEN ARTICLE #4
This hidden article consists of the second half of interesting
things that could be taken from the record length 845 Kb Ultimate
Crazy Letter sent by some Norwegians to us.
Again, I have parted the individual bits by "*****" bits.
Suicidal Thoughts of 42 Silly Horses
FAR OUT in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of
the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles
is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-
descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still
think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.
This planet has - or had - a problem, which was this: most of
the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.
Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of
these were largely concerned with the movements of small green
pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the
small green pieces of paper which were unhappy.
And so the problem remained; lots of people were mean, and most
of them were unhappy, even the ones with digital watches.
Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big
mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And
some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no
one should ever have left the oceans.
And then, ine Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man
had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be
nice to people for a change, a girl sitting on her own in a small
cafe in Rickmansworth suddenly realized what it was that had been
going wrong all the time, and she finally knew how the world
could be made a good and happy place. This time it was right, it
would work, and no one would ever have to get nailed to anything.
Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to tell anyone
about it, the planet was unexpectedly demolished to make way for
the new hyperspace bypass, and so the idea was lost, seemingly
About fourty-two thousand lightyears away, there was another
planet. This planet was inhabited by small hairy creatures that
looked like gorillas. They were called pebbits. Even though one
shouldn't believe it, these creatures had never even heard of
digital watches. This could explain why the pebbit who was hit by
the watch that somehow had travelled through space from the
obliterated planet as it was obliterated, didn't know what to do
with it, so he threw it in the closest trash bin while he
sweared, something that one usually would do when silly toys pops
out from nowhere and lands on your head.
Tolstin stared in the ceiling. He had just woken up. He
scratched his head with one of the fingers, he didn't know
exactly which one it was, of the left hand as he tried to think.
After half an hour he gave up, dressed, went out of his flat,
pressed the elevator button, returned to his flat, went to the
fridge, took out a hairy chocolate bar, called it dinner and ate
it, killing several minute flees that had moved in.
The next thing he knew was him standing in front of the mirror,
staring at the reflection of his small, fat, hairy, gorilla like
body. "Perfect," he thought as he turned around, opened the door
he was about to walk through, went through it and closed it again
behind him. To his surprise, the elevator had now reached his
He entered it and pressed the button with the lowest number on
it. He watched the display as it counted floors left to go.
He closed his eyes and tried not to fall asleep.
The elevator stopped, the door opened and a young female pebbit
entered the elevator.
The elevator stopped to let the female pebbit out.
Tolstin fell asleep.
Half an hour later he woke up as the elevator once again
stopped, and four quite young female pebbits entered, giggling.
He looked at the display.
"Hooray!" he thought as he had found out that it only was seven
minutes left of his travel. He took his lunch out of his bag and
He was at the ground floor. The door slid open and he stepped
out. The giggling female pebbits ran as fast as they could out of
the building only to be run over by a big lorry whose driver
wanted a bit fun. It was a pitty, 'cause there was blood all over
the lorry, now. People crowded round him and helped him clean up
the mess. A police officer miraculously managed to get through to
"Did you just run over four female pebbits?" he asked the
"Well, in fact I did that. And I did it on purpose." the lorry
"In that case," the police officer answered, taking a medal out
of his pocket. "you have honestly deserved this medal for you
contribution of lowering the population of this planet.
The lorry driver happily took the medal stepped back into his
lorry and ran over the crowd that was in his way, spoiling blood
and cerebral matter all over the place.
The party the night before had been quite exhausting, so the
fact that An felt slightly tired at work was no surprise neither
for her nor the owner of the shop in which she worked. She would
close her eyes if she had the chance, but since she wanted to
keep the job, she forced herself to keep them open. The door was
already open, so she only had to walk through it and empty the
bucket before she refilled it. She reentered the shop and
continued the washing. The shop should be clean at all times so
that the customers wouldn't have to show the disgust for all the
blood that would be spoiled all over the shop sometimes.
Well, that's what the planet was like. Alive in one moment, and
as soon as you are 16, the chances of you getting killed suddenly
becomes the same as before; 70 percent. This was because
everybody did everything to get medals and lowering the
population. Also, the fact that the population was as enormous as
it was, was one of the reasons why everybody were castrated as
soon as they were born, which again meant that the entire planet
would die after that generation.
The door bell rang as a man stepped inside. Blood dripped down
from him. He walked over to a few clothes and started looking at
"May I help you?" The voice came from the shop keeper who had
stepped out of her office when she heard the door bell.
"Nah! I'm just looking around," the man replied and started
touching the clothes.
"In that case," the shop keeper said. "Look around in heaven,"
Then she shot him with a rifle, blasting his head off. "An, clean
up the mess."
And An did so, wondering why the Holland there had to be so much
blood to clean up all the time.
Recording from Beyond 3000, a popular TV programme that used to
send information about totally new products and inventions that
would change the future.
A digital watch consists of three main elements: The display
that displays a random number at any time of the day, the glue
that makes sure that you won't loose it the next year, at the
same time making sure that you ruin it next time you are in the
shower, and the speaker that makes sure to annoy everyone around
the owner of the watch.
Since no one like this, they always tried to remove the watch.
However, the glue used was a super glue, so tearing the watch
away, usually meant tearing the arm away, which usually meant
that the victim died because of the loss of blood.
Why people at all bought watches was a complete mystery to
everybody, but the companies that produced the watches earned a
lot of money on it, and lots of medals for the people they
The digital watch is the ultimate answer to our over-populated
And here is the inventor of the digital watch, dr. Aut Omation.
B3000: Dr. Aut Omation. The digital watch is an incredible
invention. How did you think of it?
Omation: Well, in fact, I just found something in the trash one
day. It was something I never had seen before, but there were
lots of random numbers that were worth watching, so I called it
the digital watch. Of course it took some time to think of the
glue, but once that was settled, the medals started coming
through the mail.
B3000: But dr. Omation. Is there any other use of it than
Omation: Well, yes! You could buy it as a gift to you girlfriend
or boyfriend so that he/she dies, or you can take it
with you to school and give it to your best friend.
B3000: Honestly dr. Omation. Don't you think it hurts a bit to
get you arm torn off? Especially if you do it yourself?
Omation: Nah! Just put it somewhere on your face, and then get
stick it somewhere on a car where it won't let go. Wait
for someone to start driving and...wonna try?
B3000: Well, I...
Omation: Here. Take this digital watch free. Just put it between
your eyes or something.
B3000: But won't it hurt a bit?
Omation: Nah! It will go faster than you can say "Holland".
Here. Let me start the car.
Omation: I told you so!
So, ladies and gentlemen, go and buy your digital watch NOW! The
cost is only 5 Pebbiton Credits. Buy two and get the third free.
Tolstin usually went to this bar, even though he never liked it.
He always seemed to get in trouble with the others. But that's
what one had to expect when one lives on a planet like this.
The bold male started walking towards him. "You know, Tolstin. I
promised I'd make a potato ball out of you if you showed your
face in here again."
"But I'm wearing a mask, can't you see? Hey, man! I don't want
trouble? You don't want me to show my face anymore? Okey! I
won't. I'll wear a mask instead."
"Shut up, potato ball!"
"And I'm already a potato ball! You said it yourself!"
Tostin was lucky. He was born with an IQ of 42, instead of the
average 21, and he had learned to use these extra 21 against
others. The bold male pebbit thought about his statement, and
came to the conclusion that it probably was right. In fact, the
brain didn't have the capacity to think any further.
"All right! I'll let you go this time, but if you show that mask
in here again, I'm gonna buy you a digital watch!"
An threw the bucket out of the window. It was broken, so she
didn't even think of picking it up again. She just looked down to
make sure that she had hit someone with it.
She stole a jacket from the shop, opened the door and went
through it. "I'm off, Joanna!" she yelled as the door closed. She
closed her eyes and tried to think of something beautiful, but
since she never had seen anything beautiful in her entire life,
she gave up and started thinking of piles of dead pebbits. She
even concidered buying some digital watches. But her economy just
wouldn't let her.
A lorry passed by and made sure to drive through a puddle of
blood at her. Her new stolen jacket was wet all the way through.
She hated those drivers.
Splattered in the rear mirror of the lorry a couple of seconds
later was the reflection of An, drenched by the roadside.
For a moment he felt good about this. A moment or two later he
felt bad about feeling good about it. Then he felt good about
feeling bad about feeling good about it and, satisfied, drove on
into the night.
WE ARE SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR READING, BUT THE AUTHOR IS
TERRIBLY SORRY THAT THE STORY SO FAR HAS BEEN WITHOUT ANY
MEANING, AND ALSO IT HAS BEEN TOO BLOODY. THANKS TO SOME LOVELY
INSPIRATION, HE HAS DECIDED TO SHOW MERCY AND TRY SOMETHING ELSE
THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE STORY TILL ANY OTHER INSPIRATIONAL
SOURCE SHOULD POP UP FROM NOWHERE.
Tostin got into the bus wondering what his long sausage like
thing between his feet was. All he knew about it was that only a
few people on the planet had this thing. As far as he knew, the
normal procedure was that things like that was removed straight
And he also knew that people who had these things were hated
among "normal" people who were, as they said, castrated. And he
knew about the flowers and the bees. But what that had to do
about his long sausage like thing, he didn't quite understand.
He sat down in the front of the bus, which happened to be the
first seat he saw in the bus that happened to be free. In fact,
it was the only seat in the bus that was free.
His head relaxed as Acid Reign played "Motherly Love" on the
stereo of the bus. It was in fact very strange that there was
such music on the bus at all, since only a few people on the
planet liked that kind of music anyway.
The bus stopped to let another passenger on. Strange, Tostin's
brain thought. After all, the bus was full.
Good night, cruel world
by Gard Eggesb¢ Abrahamsen
The sun was hanging just a few inches above the horizon and
descending. The wind blew a nice breeze and the sky was clear. In
the horizon, there was a city, and leading to it, there were
several roads. These roads were completely free of traffic. The
figure who was walking by it was therefore a lonely figure.
The few friends he had called him Rick, and Rick had given up
the hope that a car would actually stop and pick him up instead
of cheating him to run after it and take off before he had the
chance to say hello to the driver. He had counted several
episodes like that that day, and that made him feel slightly
upset, and he would really love to kick the average driver in the
arse, even though the average driver was innocent.
His feet ached after all the walking. It would be a salvation
finally to get to rest. To find a place to do so, however, seemed
to be a problem for a tramp with no money.
With envious eyes he stared at a small white house. Through the
windows, he could see the light from a fireplace. He could barely
imagine the warmth that could be found inside. Slightly
depressed, he walked on till he found an old, shut down factory.
The floor was hard concrete, but okey to lie on. At least he
wouldn't get soaking wet if it started raining.
He lay down on the floor and slowly closed his eyes. It was hard
to imagine that it was a good, nice, comfortable bed, but he
managed to fall asleep anyway, since he was used to hard
In his dream, he had wings to fly with. And he flew high above
the clouds. The view from up there was so beautiful, and he
wanted to stay up there forever. But as he was flowting so nicely
through the sky, the wings suddenly dissolved and left him
hurling towards the ground.
His eyes grew bigger and bigger as the ground came closer, and
all he could think of doing was screaming, as if his scream would
help him. However, the scream just made him more nervous. But he
kept on screaming in panic.
Suddenly he woke up. Strange as it might seem, it wasn't his own
scream that had woken him up, but the scream of a female human
being whose life seemed to be in danger. His back hurt, a fact he
under these circumstances chose to ignore. He went on his toes
over to the window and peeked out of it. As he had suspected all
the time since he had woken up of the scream, a young and
beautiful lady was being robbed by some bad guys with dangerous
"A damsel in distress," he thought and pulled his gun out of his
pocket. Slowly, it was cocked by his right thumb before he dared
to step out into the dark alleyway.
He shot a warning shot into the air.
"Okey, shitheads! Let the lady go!" he shouted at the pitiful
figures who now were standing there with open mouths. They
hesitated for a second. Then, the one of them who was holding the
lady's bag dropped it before he started to run as if his life was
at stake. The helper toddled a bit and ran off following the
footsteps of his boss. Rick breathed easily. He didn't like guns,
and he didn't like violence. And most of all, he didn't like the
thought of using the gun.
"Welcome to my humble abode." Rick said calmly to the female he
had rescued and put his gun back in his backpack.
The lady stared at the weather beaten face of the man who had
saved her life. Then she looked at the building the man had
called his home. Wondering what she should say, she just stood
there open mouthed before she carefully asked a question she
seriously wanted an answer to. "Is THIS your home, then, mr...?"
"My friends call me Rick. This house, yes, it is my home at the
moment. One place today, another one tomorrow. You know how it
"I'm Hellen." She said with a small smile on her face, peeking
into the warehouse through the broken window. It was cold and
unpleasant. She then looked at Rick. "It must be awful to live
here," she said. "Why don't you come to my place? That's the
least I can do for someone who has saved my life."
Rick nodded as a positive reply to Hellen's suggestion which,
for a tramp like him, was a very rare proposal. He grabbed his
backpack and followed her a couple of blocks before they stopped
outside a small white house. He was slightly amusemed as he
recognized the house to be the house he earlier that day had been
looking through the window of.
This was the cause of the small smile on his face when he
followed Hellen inside. He felt how the living room gave him a
nice and warm welcome as he entered it. This was what he had had
so hard to imagine. Slowly, his hands dropped the backpack onto
the floor and instinctively reached out towards the fireplace to
absorb the warmth that radiated from it.
Even the feet felt a sensation about it. It was as if today's
long walk hadn't affected them at all. He hurried to take off his
shoes to enjoy every second of this incredible feeling of
The sofa he had to sleep on was very soft and comfortable. It
was a softness he had never before experienced in his life. He
felt he was doing something wrong using the sofa as a bed when he
still had his dirty clothes on, but it was better than ruining a
real bed with them.
But that didn't matter right now, because he was asleep. And in
his dream, he found out that he was still falling down from the
sky. The earth was closing in, and as he studied the landing
site, he suddenly realized that he would land in a trash can, and
that most of the planet was filled with trash.
There was a loud crushing noise as he landed. He smelt the
presence of a rotten egg. A wet feeling went through his clothes,
reminding him of where he had landed. But his filthy clothes
didn't bother him much. What bothered him was that the trash can
was being emptied by a trash collector. He was pushed into the
compressor and felt how the machine started to squeeze all life
out of him. His own scream awakened him.
He got up on his feet and walked over to the window to peek out
through it. A white car was leaving the house, and in it, he
caught a glimpse of Hellen. She didn't seem to pay much attention
to some kids who were playing in the street and almost got run
He yawned as he entered the kitchen. His right arm stretched out
to pick up a note that was lying on the table. The handwriting
was very beautiful, he thought. Very pleasant to look at. Not at
all like his very ugly handwriting.
It was a short note about Hellen having gone to work.
He put the note back on the table, walked slowly over to the
refrigerator and opened it to allow himself to take out the milk
and some food which he then consumed.
With restless hands he rushed through the backpack searching for
money. He took it all and went for the shop, bought some
Spaghetti Bolognese for his last penny and then searched through
the house to find out where Hellen kept her plates. Even though
he wasn't quite used to using all the fancy electric equipment,
he managed somehow, and he worked hard to have dinner ready for
Hellen when she came back.
And she really was quite surprised when she came home from work
and found the table set for dinner. On the middle of the table,
there was a candle light burning slightly romantic, she felt. By
the candle, there was a pan with the best Spaghetti Bolognese she
had ever seen and smelled. On one of the chairs, Rick was waiting
for her. He was still wearing his filthy clothes, which was a
contrast Hellen thought was very exciting.
She sat down on the chair opposite to Rick and sent him a small
smile before she started eating, enjoying every mouthful of the
best Spaghetti Bolognese she had tasted in her life. Even Rick
was surprised at himself. He had really overdone himself this
When she was finished, she gave a big kiss to her hero of the
day. Some bolognese stayed put on Rick's cheek. She saw this and
laughed a bit of it before she wiped it off.
"Now, lets see today's episode of Family Ties, but then you must
be off." she said carefully as she turned on the television and
tuned in on the right channel without paying any attention to the
quite surprised look of Rick's face.
"But I thought I could stay here?" he tried.
"Shut up! I'm watching Family Ties. Leave if you can't shut up!"
Slightly confused and a bit reluctant, he picked up his backpack
and walked slowly through the door, which he had to open himself.
He heard the door slam shut behind him and felt the ground
vibrate under him.
Through the window, he could see Hellen sitting quite relaxed in
front of the television. A strange feeling of hate crept into his
brain as he walked up the street heading for a building he knew
he was guaranteed a possibility to sleep. He hurried to pump the
pest of hate out of the mind and lay down on the hard concrete
floor to sleep, using the backpack as a pillow.
"Good night, cruel world. I'll see ya' tomorrow." he whispered
as he closed his eyes as he went to sleep, trying not to think of
what tomorrow would bring him.
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.