SOME MISCELLANEOUS DRIVEL TAKEN FROM THE ULTIMATE CRAZY LETTER
(YES - THE ONE THAT WAS 845 KB LONG)
- OR -
HIDDEN ARTICLE #3
This article is actually entirely written by Norwegians. It
consists of half of the interesting bits I was able to extract
from the 845 Kb UCL. Have fun reading it.
In order for you to be able to actually read it, I have supplied
some "*****" between the bits that do not belong together.
Let's get kicking.
Oh. One last remark: When nobody is credited, it is probably
(very) written by Gard Eggesb¢ Abrahamsen.
SHORT INTERRUPTION - A BIT WRITTEN BY HANS ARILD, THE GLADIATOR.
No!!! I want to write at least 8 bits, in other words a byte.
00101010 = $2a = %52 = XLII = The last words of Gian Battista
Rossi (archeologist). Before he died, he discovered the 42 niches
which constitute the Calixtus catacomb in Rome. Its contents were
2 mummies, both possessing 3 slaves each 7 feet tall. These
numbers (2, 3 and 7) makes 42 when multiplied, also they are all
prime numbers being the lowest of the kind, only the number 5 is
missing. Calixtus, former slave, was pope for 5 years. Somehow,
he must have known the ultimate answer, where the number 5 must
have played an important role. In those times, they used Roman
numerals. They wrote V for 5, and V is also the international
symbol for victory. He knew the ultimate answer without knowing
it. This only proves that the ultimate answer is far more
multiplex than man ever will be able to imagine.
END OF SHORT INTERRUPTION.
WE SHALL OVERCOME
The destruction of this very planet is one of the most fatal
things man has done to himself - next after war. We pump up oil
from the ground thinking it won't hurt us. We let some of it
drift away on the sea. No one will ever notice. Just a few birds
that accidently landed on it. But birds don't speak, do they?
The rest of the oil, we burn. Letting CO2 into the atmosphere.
But this time, someone noticed. The average temperature on earth
rises and threatens to melt the polar ice. But only a few people
do something about it, and that surely isn't enough. We use less
oil. We let out less CO2 and we start searching for other sources
And we come up with wind-mills. We've used them before, haven't
we? But we need lots of them to get the power we want. And the
wind doesn't always blow. So we move the windmills, build a bit
on them, put them in a fast flowing river. We make them bigger
and make big dams to assure ourselves that we always have water
to get the power from. We let the water cover and destroy parts
of what we wanted to protect.
Modern technology leads us to nuclear power. But this was new to
us. No one had done this before. And the plutonium we used proved
to be dangerous to the environement. We dig the rest of the
dangerous chemicals deep into the ground, in tunnels beneath the
sea. And we hope it won't pop up before the radio activity is
completely obliterated. This, we know, will be in a couple of
hundred years. And we continue to use the enormous power from
the nuclear plants. One day, a man at a plant was a bit tired,
and he did a minute error, but to the people around him, the
error was fatal. The plant blew up and people living miles away,
suffered for this. And we ruined quite a lot of what we wanted to
To avoid destruction of the planet earth, there seems to be only
one solution; to give up this energy that helps us reaching the
day of armageddon faster. And that includes the light. From now
on, it will be dark at night. We must give up the nice
temperature in our homes. The easy way of taking food out of the
fridge and cook it in the micro-wave oven will be lost for ever.
We will no longer have televisions and cars. Boats are the only
things we have left. And horses on the land. But how many aren't
allergic to horses? And how many don't get sea-sick? The mortals
aren't ready for this change, and still we know we've been there
So we keep on poisoning the air in which we breathe. We keep on
using lethal gasses and tearing holes in the ozone-layer. We
don't stop once on our way to armageddon.
But we are willing to slow down. We are willing to use the car
less than now, once the public transportation system is good
enough. We are willing to use roll-on. We even use the same paper
over and over again. And we are postponing the last day of earth
to another generation. Till then, we hope we've found a way to
stop the process of destruction. Or maybe we've found another
planet. We could live on Mars, they say. It's just to plant some
flowers on the polar ice. The flowers would produce air in which
we can breathe. They will melt the ice, and in a couple of
hundred years, we will be able to "move in". We simply move to
another planet we can destroy. But all won't move. We don't have
all the space-ships needed. There are many that won't let go of
their homes they've been working so hard to build. And only a few
can afford it.
Who is going to build the new houses on Mars? Who is going to
pay for them, and who is going to pay for the space-ships? Man
will pay. We will pay the price in one way or another. Pay the
price with death if we wait. Pay the price with our wellfare if
we don't want to die.
We hesitate. We don't want to die. We don't want to let the
wellfare go. We don't want to choose. And the time it took us to
choose killed us. In the wars we killed eachother. In the choice
of wellfare or death, we killed ourselves. Because we didn't
choose death. We didn't choose wellfare. We chose "wellfear" and
destruction of our homes. Our homes had to go anyway.
"No more death, no more killing, no more war, no more."
Spiff, Bidd and Bernaise in
The quest for the wounded teddybear
once again by Dlarah Nievs the Long Haired Lazy Fool
once again slightly edited by Drag the Insanely Witty One
Spiff, Biff and Bernaise had been cruising around the galaxy for
three years, now, and they still hadn't found the wounded
teddybear. They might have seen his head once, but that was all
they ever saw. They had to to find it before the evil Claymen
found it, 'cause if THEY found it, they would be so happy and
busy petting and cuddling the teddybear that they would
completely forget to steer the ship and thereby simply fly
straight into a sun causing the galaxy to be completely
obliterated in a mega-explosion, and so they would never again be
able to pet the teddybear. And, well, there wouldn't even be a
teddybear left in the universe to cuddle. The situation was
Biff looked at the radar and extraordinary things detection
radar monitor. There was no sign of the Claymen either, so what
else was there to do but listening to Metallica's BATTERY? (Well,
they could listen to other Metallica tunes, Megadeth, Testament,
MOD/SOD, Vendetta, King Diamond, Voivod, Midas Touch or some
other thrashing good music - Ed.) The CD player played and the
miraculous tune distorted the loudspeakers and everything else in
the room. Well, that was what Drag thought, as he sang.
Lashing out the Action, Returning the reaction, weak are ripped
and torn away, Hypnotizing power, crushing all that cower,
Battery is here to stay. Smashing through the boundries, Lunacy
has found me, Cannot stop the battery, Punding out aggression,
Turns into obsession, Cannot kill the battery. Cannot kill the
family, Battery is found in me. Battery.
Crushing all decievers, mashing non-believers, Never ending
potency, Hungry Violence seeker, Feeding off the weaker, Breeding
on insanity. Smashing through the boundries, Lunacy has found
Circle of destruction, Hammer comes crushing, Powerhouse of
energy, Whipping up a fury, Dominating flurry, We create the
battery. Smashing through the boundries, Lunacy has found
In a matter of a scanline, a little dot appeared on the monitor.
ZOOOM ZOOOOOOOM ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. Yeah? It was the wounded
teddybear - at last. Biff hurried to press the teddybear alarm
button, and soon, all hands were on deck. (Careful not to step on
them - Ed.) Biff grabbed three cokes from the Cokematic. Three
new cokes automatically replaced the position of being ready to
be grabbed. He went back to the others and gave one of the cokes
to Spiff. He kept the other two, and Bernaise didn't get any
coke, 'cause he only drank sauce. Spiff and Biff were quite
rapidly turned into coke mode, and Bernaise, who had been
drinking sauce (blood sauce, mind you) was already in sauce mode,
so he couldn't be turned into it because he already was there.
The distant voice of Obi When Chernobyl could soon be heard. But
it was heared by one person only: Bernaise. The message was quite
personal. "Use your sauce," Bernaise did as he was told.
Biff and Spiff were ready with their small space shuttles (they
were 525 cubic cm each) and Bernaise was ready with his slightly
bigger shuttle (it was 5670 cubic cm). The port opened and they
were off, trying to catch the fantastic cuddly teddybear. But too
late. The Claymen had already found it and taken it. Now they
were busy cuddling it and petting it and (who'd guess?) they
completely forgot that the space-ship was moving towards a sun.
The ship melted and the galaxy was obliterated by the enormous
explosion caused by it.
Since the galaxy is blown to tiny pieces of bacon, there won't
be anyone to read this anyway, so I'd better quit writing.
Inspiration by Stig A F Antonsen
Paul had to be quiet. He couldn't affort to make the slightest
sound, as he would wake up the beast if he did. No. Quiet he had
to be. He moved gently to the middle of the room watching the
beast in the sofa.
The beast was asleep. But Paul knew that the beast didn't sleep
too heavy, and that it was always on guard. It was a horrible
beast. It was about two metres high, very fat and very slimy.
Oh my god! That fucking clock! He had forgotten to turn of the
alarm! God damit! It had wakened the beast!
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggh! Who DARES awaken
me like that when I am asleep! I'll get you, fucking bastard!"
"No! Please! It was an accident!"
The beast reached out for Paul's penis. "I'll give you an
accident," said the beast. The hand was getting very close to
Paul's penis. Very very close! In fact, Paul could allready feel
the bloody hand beginning to squeeze it.
"No," Paul said. "Please! Not THAT! I beg you."
"Don't worry," the beast said as he pulled Paul's dick off.
"It's just the beginning!"
The beast then took Paul's leg and tore it off.
Paul was bleeding seriously. The beast couldn't affort Paul to
die, so he bandaged him. It then did the same to Paul's other leg
and both arms, pulled his eyes off, tore his tongue off and made
big holes in his ears.
"Fucking little toy," the beast said as it dropped Paul to the
ground. "It doesn't seem to be much alive to me. Fuckit!" It then
went back to sleep.
But Paul was a live, okey. It was just that he couldn't hear,
speak nor see. All he could ever do was to think, but his
thoughts were allways interrupted by pain and he allways forgot
what he was thinking of. This is what he thought about his new
So! This is the situation: I can't see as the beast tore my eyes
off. I can't move since I have no legs nor arms. I can't shout
for help as I have no tongue. I can't do anything. Fuck that
beast, but no. That bloody beast doesn't deserve that...No. I
have to think of SOMETHING. How abou...Aaaaaaaaarrrrrgggghh!
What happened? Nothing? Oh dear! It's that fucking pain! I
could've lived without it. I'll just have to think of something
else. Yeah! Girls! How about thinking about girls? Yeah! That
would be great. I'd like to have one right now...er...Shit! I
have no dick anymore. It's just pain now. What did I think? Pain?
Fuckit! Hey! This is getting a bit boring. I'm just here. I
can't think or anything. The pain is keeping my awake, so I can't
sleep. No! What's this? Nooo! I'd pay $100000 for someone to
scratch my back right now. Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghh! Anyone out
there who can read my thoughts? I really need hel...Aaaaarrrggh!
This surely is hell. What did I do to get here? So this is
death, or is it? I've just lost all my senses. That's all. There
is no longer any use for me in this world. Fuck me! I don't want
this fucking life! Cut it off from me! Kill me! Arrrrgghh!
I can't remember anything
Can't tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops me
Now that the beast is through with me
I'm waking up I cannot see
That there's not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God wake me
Back in the womb it's much too real
In pumps life that I must feel
But can't look forward to reveal
Look to the time when I'll live
Fed through the tubes that sticks in me
Just like a wartime novelty
Tied to machines that make me be
Cut this life off from me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, wake me
Now the world is gone I'm just one
Oh God, help me hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, help me
Darkness Imprisoning me
All that I see
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell
The beast Has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell
Just because of that God damit fucking bloody clock of mine!
Fuck it, beast! Step on me!
*** SPLAT! ***
In the heat of the sight
(A black police officer enters the stage)
"Hey! You are arrested for murder!"
"Shut up, nigger! Have a look at this!"
(An old white man enters the stage)
"What has happened here? A war or something?"
"Yeah! Take a look at this!"
(Ronald Reagan enters the stage)
"Hi! The cold war is over!"
"Yeah! I melted it!"
"Excuse me! Who are you?"
"Take a closer look, then."
"You bet your fucking ass! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhh!"
(A beggar enters the stage)
"Do you have something for a poor old beggar?"
"Yeah! Take a look at this!"
(A bugger enters the stage)
"Have you seen some animals here?"
"Animals? No! Why?"
"Hey! I wanna' fuck!"
"Yeah! The world is crazy and so am I. By the way,"
"What has been going on here?"
"I knew you would come to that part. Take a look:"
(A necrofil enters the stage)
"Aaaaaaah! Lots of bodies! Great!"
"Stop it! Those are my bodies!"
"My bodies. But I have something you should have a look at."
"Hot. I know."
(A very nice girl enters the stage)
"Have you had your look?"
"Have a look, then!"
(A blind man enters the stage and stumbles in the dead body of
"What the fuck...?"
"Oh! God! Not another one!"
"Excuse me, sir!"
"Yeah! Have a look!"
"No, sir. I just..."
"...wanted to ask you..."
"...if you could help me..."
"...accross the street?"
"What the fuck are you alive for? Haven't you had your look?"
"As I was saying, sir. I am blind."
"Oh fuck it, will you?"
"Down here!" (directing the blind man to the body of the nice
"Ah! Uh! Mmmm!"
(A man in a wheelchair enters the stage)
"What the fucking hell is going on here?"
"Take a look at this!"
"Let me borrow you wheelchair a bit." (putting the blind man on
"Hey! I'm not finished yet!"
"I don't care!"
"Go fuck this!"
"But...isn't it hot?"
"Yeah! It's hot. It...Aaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhh!"
(A white police officer enters the stage)
"Excuse me, sir. May I have a look..."
(Stefan and Richard enters the stage)
S:"What the fucking dick has happened here?"
R:"Probably some insane maniac"
S:"You mean The Absolute Maniac of O.U.C.H.?"
R:"Yeah! You know. Frode. The guy we never saw."
(Stefan and Richard leaves the stage)
(Gard, Karl Anders, Ronny, Fr¢ystein, Kjetil H, Kjetil V,
Torbj¢rn and all the other nutty Norwegians enter the stage)
Ronny:"Something has been going on here."
Karl Anders:"You can tell?"
Ronny:"Yeah! I mean...look at all these dead bodies!"
Fr¢ystein:"Yeah! Here's a man that's alive as well...G'day!"
"Hi! Wanna have a look?"
Fr¢ystein:"Yeah! Great! Sure! Etc.!"
Gard:"Hey! Fr¢ystein! Was it hot?"
Gard:"Try to make THAT in Gfa BASIC!"
Ronny:"I am quite sure something has been going on here"
Gard:"Hey! Fr¢ystein! Wake up!"
Ronny:"It even smells burnt flesh here."
Gard:"Hey! Fr¢ystein! If you don't wake up, I will format your
Gfa BASIC disc!"
Karl Anders:"You might be wrong, you might be right."
Torbj¢rn:"Yeah! I feel that smell, too. Maybe someone has burnt
Karl Anders:"Yeah! I must sample this smell and use it in my
Kjetil and Kjetil:"PIZZA?"
(Stefan and Richard enter stage)
Richard:"Did anyone mention the word PIZZA!!!!?"
Gard:"Who is that man over there, anyway, Fr¢ystein?"
Stefan:"I think he was here an hour ago, too."
(Gard formats Fr¢ystein's Gfa BASIC disc)
Gard:"I knew this would get you up!"
Stefan:"That isn't Fr¢ystein!"
Karl Anders:"No. It's dead Fr¢ystein."
Everyone (Except Fr¢ystein):"DEAD Fr¢ystein???????"
Everyone (Including Fr¢ystein):"Yuuuuppppiiiiieee!!!!!"
Gard:"Great! No more Gfa BASIC!"
Ronny:"Ha! Ha! You forgot ST Klubben and ST News!"
Karl Anders, Torbj¢rn and Gard:"Aaaaaaaagggghhh!"
"May I have your attention, please?"
"No. Does anyone want to have a look?"
Gard:"Are you Gfa BASIC as well?"
Gard, Torbj¢rn and Karl Anders:"GET HIM!!!!!!"
Stefan:"What are all those laser beams?"
Richard:"Laser what? Oh! It's just laser beams."
Ronny:"PIZZA! I found it! It was under the puke of this little
boy, but I just threw up a bit more puke on it so it is okey,
Richard:"Ehhh. I Think I have to..."
Everyone alive except Richard:"RICHARD!"
Richard:"Oops! Sorry, guys!"
Karl Anders:"Great! I must sample that fart and use it in my
Torbj¢rn:"Great! I'll hack this girl."
Gard:"Hey! You mister without no name"
Gard:"Have you seen me before?"
"Eh? Huh! Hah! Hahaha! Hahahahaha! Hahahahahahaha!"
Gard:"What's so insanely witty?"
"You just...hehehe...look so...hohohohoho!"
Stefan:"Hey! Gard! Leave that man! You'll kill him!"
"Hahahahahahahaha! I'm dyyyyiiiiinnnnnnnnggggg!!!!"
Gard:"What's so insanely witty?????"
Gard:"Great! I'm hot!"
Stefan:"You killed him!"
Gard:"It was self defence!"
Richard:"Yeah! And the man insulted Gard!"
Stefan, Ronny, Karl Anders and Torbj¢rn:"HOW???"
Richard:"He laughed at him!"
Gard:"And he used Gfa BASIC!"
Fr¢ystein:"Did anyone say Gfa?"
Everyone except Fr¢ystein:"Aaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhh!"
Fr¢ystein:"But Gfa is HOT!"
Everyone except Fr¢ystein:"Ungh!"
Fr¢ystein:"Hey! It was a joke! Look! I'm dead!!!"
(Fr¢ystein leaves the stage)
--- The End ---
Dirty story by Morten (!)
Once upon a time, Drag the Lucky Artist (or the Plucky Fartist,
as his stepmother called him) was on top of a mountain (sitting
on the peak) looking for his girlfriend Edorf the Big Boobed. He
thought to himself: "How many people are there here. I'd better
pay attention because I know I am slow of mind." He took two
crowns out of his purse and thought on. "I am one people, divide
by three and carry the fifth ... hey! Where did I get all this
money?" Deciding all this thinking was brain-stakingly he started
singing "I Will Wait" and went down the mountain on the
Down on the beach the beautiful Edorf was busy eating cheese dip
while her mind lingered on the apparition of Deacon the Dwarf
with the Tallest. Drag sneaked up on her from behind and suddenly
jumped on her and missed. Interrupted in her sweet thoughts Edorf
said: "Hello, your eloquence!"
"What!" Drag yelled. "No one calls me eloquence and lives to pay
for it!" He forced her lithe body down on the warm wet beach. "I
don't want to be called eloquence!" He tied her arms on her back
with her belt, which moments before had held her skirt round the
flat, trimmed belly. Drag stared at her belly button pulsating up
and down like her heavy breath. "I don't know what eloquence
means, but I'm sure I don't like it!" He tore her skirt off
revealing her slender tights. "I don't wanna be called
intelligent, samaritan or IQ beast either!" He ripped her blouse
asunder and found she didn't wear a bra on those lovely, stiff
tits. "I don't know what those words mean, for that matter!" Drag
started panting as he drew her pants down her long sexy legs.
"Now I'll teach you a lesson you'll never forget." He stared
intensly at her pussy, bent over and took her clothes while he
thought to himself, walking away. "This'll teach her not to fuck
with me! Say, what did I mean, slow of mind?"
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.