Fear No Man (Advertisement) from Monty Python's Brand New
FEAR NO MAN!
I'll make you a MASTER of LLAP-Goch, ...the Secret Welsh ART of
SELF DEFENCE that requires NO INTELLIGENCE, STRENGTH or PHYSICAL
courage. The FANTASTIC SECRETS of the SECRET world-famous method
of SELF DEFENCE, kept secret for centuries because of their
DEADLY POWER to MAIM, KILL, SMASH, BATTER, FRACTURE, CRUSH,
DISMEMBER, CRACK, DISEMBOWEL, CRIPPLE, SNAP and HARM are now
revealed to YOU in the English Language by a LLAP-GOCH master AT
HIS OWN RISK, PROVIDED you promise to MAIM, CRUSH, DISEMBOWEL and
so on ONLY in SELF DEFENCE. (This is just to cover ourselves, as
you will understand.)
WHY "At his own risk?"
BECAUSE if his fellow masters of LLAP-GOCH DISCOVER his
IDENTITY, they will PUNISH HIM SEVERELY for revealing the DEADLY
secrets he had promised to keep SECRET, without giving them a
piece of the ACTION, and also BECAUSE of the TERRIBLE risk of
PUNISHMENT he runs under the Trades
WHAT is LLAP-GOCH?
IT is THE most DEADLY form OF SECRET self-DEFENCE that HAS ever
been widely advertised and available to EVERYONE.
WHY ALL the CAPITALS?
Because THE most likely kind OF person TO answer THIS sort OF
advertise-ment HAS less trouble under-STANDING words if they ARE
written in BIG letters.
WHAT is LLAP-GOCH again?
It is an ANCIENT Welsh ART based on a BRILLIANTLY simple I-D-E-
A, which is a SECRET. The best form of DEFENCE is ATTACK
(Clausewitz) and the most VITAL element of ATTACK is SURPRISE
(Oscar HAMMERstein). Therefore, the BEST way to protect yourself
AGAINST any ASSAILANT is to ATTACK him before he attacks YOU...
Or BETTER... BEFORE the THOUGHT of doing so has EVEN OCCURRED TO
HIM!!! SO YOU MAY BE ABLE TO RENDER YOUR ASSAILANT UNCONSCIOUS
BEFORE he is EVEN aware of your very existence!
No longer need you feel WEAK, helpless, INDECISIVE, NOT
fascinating and ASHAMED of your genital dimensions. No more need
you be out-manoeuvred in political debate!! GOOD BYE
HUMILIATION, wisecracking bullies, Karate experts, boxing
champions, sarcastic vicars, traffic wardens; entire panzer
divisions will melt to pulp as you master every situation without
INADEQUACY. PROTECT YOUR LOVED ONES. You will no longer look
pitiful and spotty to your GIRL FRIENDS when you leave some
unsuspecting passer-by looking like four tins of cat food! They
will admire your MASTERY and DECISIVENESS and LACK OF INADEQUACY
and will almost certainly let you put your HAND inside their
BLOUSE out of sheer ADMIRATION. And after seeing more of your
expert disabling they'll almost definately go to bed with you,
although obviously we can't ABSOLUTELY guarantee this, still it's
extremely likely and would make learning LLAP-GOCH really
worthwhile although legally we can't PROMISE anything.
Why WELSH Art?
LLAP-GOCH was developed in Wales because for the average
Welshman, the best prospects of achieving a reasonable standard
of living lie with the acquisition of the most efficient
techniques of armed robbery.
HOW do I learn?
No, you mean "How do YOU Learn." I know already.
HOW do You Learn?
You receive ABSOLUTELY FREE your own special personal LLAP-GOCH
Picture Book with hundreds of PHOTOGRAPHS and just a very few
plain, clear and simple, easy to understand words. Only a FOUR-
SECOND WORK-OUT Each Day! And you will be ready to HARM people!
* DEVELOP UP TO 38" BICEPS
* GROW UP TO 12" TALLER
* LOSE UP TO 40" OF FAT IN YOUR FIRST WORK-OUT!
* PROLONG YOUR LIFE BY UP TO 1,000 YEARS
* GO TO BED WITH UP TO ANY LUDICROUS NUMBER OF GIRLS YOU CARE TO
THINK OF PROVIDING YOU REALIZE THIS STATEMENT IS QUITE
MEANINGLESS AS THE PHRASE "UP TO" CLEARLY INCLUDES THE NUMBER
WHAT Does it Cost?
This, like LLAP-GOCH, is a SECRET but you will find out sooner
or later, don't worry. MAIL DARING HAIR-RAISING MONEY-SAVING
HALF-PRICE NO-RISK FREE-TRIAL COUPON NOW!
O.K. Hounourable Master, I accept your daring, hair-raising,
mind-boggling, blood-curdling, no-risk, half-price, free-trial
offer to reveal the secrets of LLAP-GOCH in a plain wrapper at
once. Yes Master, I never again want to be 'Weak In The Knees'
and 'Chicken Out' and 'Wet My Pants' when insulted and attacked.
I agree never to abuse the principles of LLAP-GOCH or consult a
lawyer. I am over 4. I have an extra Y chromo-some. Bill me
later. I understand that if I am not completely satisfied I have
NAME _________________ AGE __ ADDRESS _____________
CITY _______________ STATE ____________ ZIP _______
Please also enroll me under your special Car Insurance Scheme.
I understand that I do not have to sign anything to make this
completely binding to me.
MICROSOFT JOKES AND THAT KIND OF THING
OK, OK, I know, I know, I've got a PC too, now, and I've even
been tempted to say at various instances that it was a pretty OK
machine (well, it should be with 16 Mb RAM and a 60 Mhz Pentium,
don't you think?!). And, yes, I've also had my first total
"Windoze '95" crash (I learned never to switch off the computer,
not even if the "your system is being switched off" message
remains on the screen for over five minutes without the hard disk
making the slightest sound).
The following are some things culled off the Internet (of
course), after they'd been located and commented on by Tjeerd
Bruinsma. Thanks, dude. Quite a large part was also taken from
a similar jokes article in "Maggie" issue 19 (compiled by our
good friend Kev "Taffy" Davis). Thanks to Chris for telling me,
quite some time ago, that I could use anything from "Maggie" I
wanted. You haven't forgotten, Chris, have you? :-)
All I've done was change the layout a bit, and correct a few
taipos where needed.
Scenario: Microsoft and Apple each have half a glass of water.
Industry and press headlines would probably run like this:
"Microsoft expected to fill needs for glass of water in near
future, dominating thirst quenching market"
"Why Apple has missed its opportunity to fill its glass"
"Microsoft leads market in half-filled-glass technology"
"Apple drops ball on customer based water delivery market"
"Microsoft announces OLE to become available for half-filled
glasses in near future"
"Apples CEO refuses to rule out half-empty glass being dropped
from product line"
"Microsoft Kitchen announced, expected to improve productivity
of household plumbing. Requires 110 cubic metres of kitchen space
to install, but offering a complete desalination plant in the
"Apple expected to lose market share, with a half-empty product
offering failing to satisfy the full-glass markets"
"Bill Gates follows his invention of water by introducing
concept of user-friendly portions of this water substance in
spill resistant transparent ceramic containers"
"Apple fails to deliver water in fully configured ceramic
"Microsoft studies show 350% advantage of ease of use over
Apple's drinking interface"
"Apple loses edge in ease of use in hydration technology"
Microsoft Lightbulb Jokes from the Microsoft / Windows 95 Humor
Section of LaughWEB
Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to
be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have?
Okay. Now exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be 4 or 5
things wrong...have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that
Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere
in the world.
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new
Top ten ways that life would be different if Microsoft built
10. New seats would require everyone to have the same size butt.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas(tm).
8. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be
replaced by a single "General Protection Car Fault" warning
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered,
twice as reliable, five times as fast, but would only run on
5% of the roads.
5. You would constantly be pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could only have one person in your car at a time, unless
you bought Car '95 or Car NT; but then you'd have to buy
3. Occasionally, your car would just die for no reason, and
you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you
would just accept this as normal.
2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have
to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the new features in Microsoft
cars, forgetting completely (actually ignoring) that they
had been available in other brands for years.
Top 10 Worst Things About Being Bill Gates
After many consecutive long days working on c-net's latest top-
secret project, our "top ten" author was ready to crack. Late one
night, his mind began to wander. "What if I was worth US$ 12
billion...boy, wouldn't life be swell then?" Fortunately, reality
set in before he had a chance to quit c-net and design a new
operating system. After all, even Bill Gates has his share of
problems. Consider the following:
10. The Redmond convenience store stopped taking Microsoft stock
in exchange for six-packs of Mountain Dew.
9. His barber just upped his rate to $6 a cut.
8. A sneaking suspicion that he'll never be Emperor of the
7. Boyish good looks worked wonders on the SEC, but the Justice
Department isn't going along.
6. Robin Leach never returns his calls.
5. The Pulitzer committee rejected all nominations for "The
4. Mick Jagger keeps offering old Rolling Stones songs for "the
3. Always getting upstaged by Larry Ellison at Billionaires'
Anonymous support groups.
2. Windows 95.
1. Still can't grow a beard like Paul Allen's.
Here are 24 reasons why windows is not a virus.
1. Viruses are free.
2. Viruses can be obtained from any good BBS.
3. If detected soon enough, most viruses can be removed from
your computer without a huge loss of data and time.
4. Viruses don't take up HUGE wads of disk space.
5. Viruses don't need 4 Mb of RAM to run.
6. Viruses do something.
7. Viruses come in flavors, not just one-size-fits-all.
8. Viruses use the "cutting edge" programming skills to make
themselves less noticable (until they are ready to be
9. Viruses don't have major bugs (if they do, then they don't
work, ergo they're no viruses).
10. Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation
that are all mixed-up and wrong.
11. Viruses don't leak things to the press about the upcoming
"Jerusalem 95", to keep people from switching to
"Michelangelo/2 Warp" or, better yet, "XJerusalem".
12. Viruses don't put out stupid two-page adverts in magazines
centered around the March 6 "activate button".
13. Viruses aren't on every computer.
14. Viruses don't have stupid wizards.
15. Who cares if a virus is 16 bit, even though it is advertised
16. Viruses don't say that they are user "friendly", when they
17. Viruses can run on PCDOS without warnings.
18. Viruses, when installing themselves, don't try to send
private info about your computer over the phone lines to
19. Viruses install themselves.
20. Viruses don't try to push out all compitition. They just try
to do their job.
21. Viruses makers don't try to buy Intuit (makers of Quicken
(wouldn't that be fun, America's biggest financial software
company owned by a virus maker?)).
22. Viruses don't invade and take over "PC Magazine", filling it
with 100% junk on "Win95".
23. Viruses don't try to copy what Apple does.
24. There are programs you can buy, or get free to remove
If Operating Systems Were Beers...
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires
you to read the directions carefully before opening the can.
Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz.
can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz.
each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be
discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking
it after it's no longer available.
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz.
can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already
own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of
them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the
Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no
reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it..
Windows 95 Beer: The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but
tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but
when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them.
Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until
their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The
ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has most of
the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the
manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it
by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and
buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1
Beer's can, but the company promises to change the can to look
just like Windows 95 Beer's can. Touted as an "industrial
strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
by Hank Vorjes
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's
Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced
that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic
Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of
MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the
first time a computer software company has acquired a major world
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software
Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples
and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals,
said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next
five to ten years, said Gates. The combined resources of
MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion
easier and more fun for a broader range of people.
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line
service, we will make the sacraments available on-line for the
first time and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation
practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. You can get
Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce
your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home.
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a
macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces
automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St
Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don
Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the
event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When
Novello chided Gates, Now I guess you get to wear one of these
pointy hats, the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the
Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes
works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics
say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit
competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.
The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy
scriptures, said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. You take
the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years
before the Catholics came on the scene.
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw
on a common Abrahamic heritage. The Catholic Church has just been
more successful in marketing it to a larger audience, notes Notre
Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000
years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased
dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of
the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive
competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to
Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements
in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with
Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today
Christianity is available from several denominations, but the
Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's
mission is to reach the four corners of the earth, echoing
MICROSOFT's vision of a computer on every desktop and in every
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a
scalable religious architecture that will support all religions
through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a
choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- One
religion, a couple of different implementations, said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and
acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S.
Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to
strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive
And now for something completely different!
o WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
o WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
o WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in
o WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
o WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
o WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
o WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on
o WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
o WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has
o WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
o WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
o WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Rame needed. More! More!
o WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
o WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
o WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this
o WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
o WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
o WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
o WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
o WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
o WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed.
Buy a new one. Old windows
licence is not valid
o WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
o WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall
all your software.
We are terribly
o WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this
error. Next time you will get a
penalty for that.
o WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.
o WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own
o WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait.
o WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
o WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors
will be lost.
o WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a
dos-box. The virus,however, requires
Windows. All tasks will automaticly
be closed and the virus will be
o WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been
installed. Please click the left
mouse button to continue.
o WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many erros encountered.
Next errors will not be
displayed or recorded.
o WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to
play another game?
o WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while
waiting for the system to
complete boot procedure.
o WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes
And now for something even more completely different!
o Windows: Just another pain in the glass
o Double your drive-space: delete Windows !
o Ever noticed how fast Windows runs ? Neither did I !
o Windows: Turn your Pentium into an XT ...
o Windows: The Gates of hell
o Windows - The colorful clown suit for DOS
o Windows'95 is out! (PC Magazine, April 2013)
o MS-Windows could use yet another liposuction
o Windows: XT emulator for an AT
o Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done
o OS/2 VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it? [Y,n]"
o Windows'95: New look, same multicrashing
o Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something
o Help! There are Windows everywhere! In my car, my house
o MicroSoft's marketing: "Windows is SEMI-shareware"
o Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN !
o Time on your hands ? Get Windows !
o "Fer sail cheep, Windows spel chekcer, wurks grate"
o Microsoft Windows ... a virus with mouse support
o Microsoft gives you Windows ... OS/2 gives you the whole house
o Newsflash: Microsoft announces Visual Edlin for Windows
o Sorry, this virus requires MicroSoft Windows 3.x
o A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle
o Are you using Windows or is that just an XT ?
o Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows
o Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows !
o Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore ...
o Bugs come in through open Windows
o Coming soon: EDLIN for Windows
o DOS 6.0 and Windows 3.1 - A turtle and its shell
o DOS is just an operating system that runs Windows 3.1
o Data to Picard: "No, Captain, I do NOT run WINDOWS !"
o Despite my car having windows, it still isn't mouse driven !
o Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail
o Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance
o Error 005: Windows loading - come back tomorrow
o Exhibitionists love Windows
o Father, forgive me, I've been caught using Windows ...
o Have you crashed your Windows today ?
o I can't wait for EDLIN to be ported for Windows
o I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
o I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm
o If I wanted Windows, I'd live in a greenhouse !
o If Windows is user-friendly, why do you need a 678-page
o If Windows sucked it would be good for something
o Masochist: Windows programmer with a smile !
o My latest screen saver: Curtains for Windows
o New Windows 4.0: programmed in Turbo Logo++
o New from McAfee: WinScan - Removes all Windows programs
o OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates
o Out of disk space - Delete Windows ? [Y]es [H]ell yes!
o Relax ... you are entering a windows free zone
o Some windows were made to be broken
o Windows - so intuitive you only need a meg of help files !
o Windows 3.1 - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy
o Windows 3.1 vs OS/2 = Michael Jackson vs Mike Tyson
o Windows95 will be released as soon as Windows 3.1 finishes
o Windows Multitasking: screwing up several things at once
o Windows NT: Nice Try
o Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to
o Windows - A solitaire game that requires 16 MB and HD
o Windows has the ability to screw up 2 things at the same time!
o Windows? We don't need no stinking Windows!
And one last ASCII code bit of food for thought...
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
W I N D O W S 9 5
The text of the articles is identical to the originals like they appeared in old ST NEWS issues. Please take into consideration that the author(s) was (were) a lot younger and less responsible back then. So bad jokes, bad English, youthful arrogance, insults, bravura, over-crediting and tastelessness should be taken with at least a grain of salt. Any contact and/or payment information, as well as deadlines/release dates of any kind should be regarded as outdated. Due to the fact that these pages are not actually contained in an Atari executable here, references to scroll texts, featured demo screens and hidden articles may also be irrelevant.