"Having children will turn you into your parents."
AN OPEN LETTER FROM JASON BECKER
by Jason Becker
Some time ago, an entire issue of ST NEWS was dedicated to
guitar virtuoso Jason Becker, an incredibly talented person
struck by the injustice of fate, rendering him a potential
invalid through a nerve disease called the A.L.S. Lou Gehrig
Syndrome. Abhorred by it, I spent a lot of time finding out
things about the disease and wrote to Jason - and he even wrote
back.
Some years have come and gone. Jason can now no longer feed
himself, talk properly or walk, let alone play the guitar. In the
February 1994 issue of "Guitar for the Practising Musician"
occurred an article by Jason Becker that touched me as much as
the first bad news did a few years ago. I haven't asked "GFTPM"
whether this article could be republished because A) I only got
the article pages sent to me (cheers thousandfold, Michael!) and
B) There wouldn't have been time to ask before the release of
this issue.
Anyway, below you will find the article. I hope it will give you
some insight into how the life of a guitar prodigy has
changed.suddenly and drastically. I also hope it will give each
and every one of you - also those who aren't into hard rock
particularly - a reason to send him a card on his birthday.
Address and birth date are to be found at the end.
Jason Becker is on his way to helping define just how wide in
scope a rock guitarist's vision can be. The panorama he's already
created includes his technical solo wizardry with fellow
guitarist Marty Friedman in Cacophony. Their two records together
("Speed Metal Symphony" and "Go Off!") were compositional thrash
marvels of such intricate and precise speed-picking that it is
doubtful playing of this kind will ever be duplicated. Together
they presented the future of Bach'n'roll, adding Stravinsky,
Philip Glass and Bartok to the list of not-so-obvious influences
for an electric rock guitarist. On his first solo album,
"Perpetual Burn", Jason extended his reach with the acoustic
classical piece "Air". Heralded as the next milestone after
Yngwie Malmsteen, Jason surprised the guitar community by joining
David Lee Roth. With his public visibility increased a
hundredfold, Jason did an about-face on the classical influences
and returned to his rockin' blues roots, showing off touch,
phrasing and a clear Albert King influence in his playing.
But Jason was not to enjoy the fill fruits of his collaboration
with Roth. Along the path any musician takes there are obstacles
to overcome and trials to endure. For Jason these roadblocks go
beyond the usual band or record company hassles. Sadly, Jason
Becker has ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease), a muscle-cripling
condition which now makes it impossible for him to feed himself,
much less play guitar.
While his hands may no longer answer the call, his spirit and
musical inspiration sing out as loud and strong as ever. With the
help of computer technology, Jason is finishing up his second
solo recording (tentatively titled "Perspective"), which runs the
gamut from symphonic, full orchestra pieces and a song by an a
capella girls choir to guitar-dominated tuned featuring playing
by Michael Lee Firkins and playing from past recordings of Jason
himself.
What follows is an open letter from Jason to all of those people
who wish him well.
"I have Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS, or Lou Gehrig's
Disease) and I want to tell what that has been like for me...
For a long time I debated whether to write this. A lot of it is
very personal and I'm not sure that just because I've played
guitar on a few records I want everyone to know what my life is
like. I decided to write it for a number of reasons: For one,
there are many people handicapped in one way or another, and
maybe I can inspire them in some way to feel better or to do more
than they thought they could. For another, maybe if people know
what some handicapped people go through they will feel more
comfortable with them or at least be aware of them. Also, I have
received many extremely nice letters which are very personal and
I'd like to respond in kind but I'm unable to write.
One night in May of 1989 I was lying in bed sleeping when I
awakened by an intensely painful cramp in my left calf. I'd had
cramps before but this one didn't go away for the rest of the
night. When I woke up the next morning that spot in my calf felt
very tired an lazy. I thought it would go away but it stayed. I
went on tour with Cacophony, then went to Japan to perform by
myself and then left the band to do my own music, all the while
with this lazy feeling in my left leg. In November when I moved
to L.A. to play with David Lee Roth I decided, "Oh. what the
hell, I might as well go to a doctor and check this out." so I
went to Kaiser [medical group] and they did a few tests: pushing
up on my foot to see if it would twitch, watching me walk, plus
some electrical tests. After they were done, two doctors came in
with ral sad faces and said, "Well, we're not sure but we think
you have ALS, a nerve disease." They told me some people have it
for 10 years, some for five, but that you never can tell. That
info sort of went in one ear and out the other. The possibility
of dying just wasn't even in the realm of reality. I had just
joined Dave's band and I was going to be the rock guitarist. That
night I called my parents and nonchalantly said, "They say it
might be some sort of werid disease - no big deal." They thought
it was a big deal.
During the next few months I started limping very noticeably and
my father moved to L.A. to live with me. I took test after test
after spinal tap after MRI exam. I had to change my diet from Big
Macs to healthy food, and learn a million cover songs and new
songs for Dave's band. All that time I wanted to write more songs
but didn't have the time or energy. But all that didn't matter. I
still was having the time of my life and making money playing
guitar - what could be better? It was also frustrating though,
because I couldn't be as much of a creative influence as I kenw I
could have been under other circumstances. I remember not wanting
to let people know how bad it was and I didn't believe it myself
at the time. I wanted to be a pro in every way. I remember
getting a spinal tap, being in total pain, having the worst back,
head and neck aches imaginable, with pain so unbearable it
brought tears to my eyes. I went to practice anyway. I got a
muscle biopsy on my right leg and that made me limp on both legs.
But with all this pressure I was still having great fun.
I was very lucky to have lots of support nearby. I moved across
the street from my grandfather, Wayne Heffley, who is an actor.
He played Vern Scofield on "Days of our Lives". He was a great
pal to have around and he helped me take care of my business so I
could concentrate more on music. My friend Miko was also always
there with any support I needed.
In March of 1990 we went to Vancouver to record the "A Little
Ain't Enough" album. By then I was taking 100 vitamins a day and
shooting B-12 into my leg, which I couldn't do myself. Steve
Hunter (who played some rhythm and slide guitar) did it for me
every day. My limp was getting worse. My left knee always felt
lazy and I didn't have much strength. When I walked on it it
either snapped backwards or forward. I always felt like a clumsy
geek, wobbling around all the time. Don't get me wrong - I was
having the time of my life, but I never really felt like me. I
was very happy and lucky to have Steve there. We hung out
together, ate together, went to the gym and talked and jammed. He
taught me a lot. He bandaged me up when I tripped over myself.
C.C. DeVille was there in Vancouver recording with Poison and he
was very kind, too. He thought a pair of air-pump shoes might
help me walk better so he bought me a pair of $200 Air Jordans.
It was always strange in clubs around there. If someone would
accidentally bump me a little I would stumble or fall and people
would say, "get that drunk out of here" and I couldn't say
anything. Or if we were going on stage to sit in or play at a
club I would be so worried about keeping my balance that I would
play very mediocre and people would think, "That's David Lee
Roth's new guitar player?" It was very weird in the recording
studio as well. As the weeks went along I needed lighter gauge
strings and I always wanted to play the guitars with the lowest
action, which of course always sounded the worst, and I would get
razzed (and I would raz myself, too). One day I was recording the
acoustic part to "Drop in the Bucket" and no matter how hard I
pressed, it wasn't hard enough. I barely got it after a while and
I went in the back room and noticed that opening and closing my
left hand was difficult. I cried. It also took me a long time to
record all the guitar because my creativity level was way down.
Back then I wouldn't have admitted it to anyone or even to myself
because I always like to think I could overcome anything and be a
great musician.
When I got back to L.A. there were a few months of nothing to
do. My left hand was getting weaker. I recorded lots of 4-track
tapes so I could remember the things I could play and the ideas I
thought of. On the one hand I knew I was getting worse, although
I didn't know that "worse" was because I didn't want to look up
statistics on ALS and find out what they sound was going to
happen; on the other hand, I reaslly believed that I was going to
be better, it was just a matter of time (I actually still believe
that). I started walking with a cane after much resistance. I
took an experimental drug for a while that made me walk better
for one week and then made me sicker than I;ve ever been and
worse for two months. So I had to stop taking that. I spent my
21st birthday on this drug, in pain and in bed.
When we finally went back to audition a rhythm guitar player and
a bass player, my legs would shake when i stood up and played. I
couldn't do it. I could tell my playing wouldn't last on a tour
so I had to move back home to the San Francisco Bay Area.
In those last few months guitar companies really wanted me to
play their instruments. I would have endorsed Ibanez but everyone
and his sister play Ibanez and now I see why. Peavey made me a
good guitar and they hounded me constantly to play their guitars
so I thought they would want to do something special, and they
did. I was uneasy about my guitar playing and told them I
couldn't do clinics or I might not be able to play at all and
they said they did not care. After we made a verbal agreement and
I posed in pictures with their guitars I never heard from them
again. I don't mean to bad-mouth anyone - I think they make good
equipment - but I'm just telling what it can be liked when you're
handicapped. No one wants a depressing image.
In January of 1991 I recorded the Bob Dylan song "Meet Me in the
Morning" for the Guitar Recordings label with Steve Hunter, Bret
Tuggle, and Matt and Gregg Bissonette. I was so nervous because
my hands would shake sometimes when I played and I had to rely
heavily on the bar for my vibrato instead of my fingers. My
playing was maybe at about 50 percent. It took a long time but I
am still happy with the sond. Steve Hunter's producing helped
immensely.
Around this time Steve Perry [of Journey fame] called me. We
mostly talked about my ALS. He was very kind and easy to talk to.
We were going to get together to jam one day. I brought my guitar
and had a bunch of ideas but was nervous about my weak guitar
playing. He could sense this so he just took me out to lunch and
to a movie. He made me feel very comfortable and at ease. He had
to help me in and out of the car because my legs shook so much.
We talked a lot about music. The way we feel about our music is
very similar. We are both very technically advanced musicians and
even though we both always have played from the heart, we still
are maturing musically. He now continues to be a very good friend
and inspiration.
In May of 1991 I went to the Huggins Clinic, where they take all
the mercury fillings out of your mouth. I think it was a great
place. I met many cool people and I lot of the things they gave
and taught were beneficial but I did not get rid of the symptoms.
I met a woman named Cynthia Hughes who had been diagnosed with
ALS and was pretty far along but then she got her fillings out
and was perfectly fine! So I would recommend that to anyone even
though it didn't work for me. I tried other things, too, nut they
didn't seem to help me either.
A benefit show for me was held in June of 1991. When my friend
Lori Barker thought of doing the benefit for me I didn't want her
to. I thought it was embarrassing but she got it together anyway.
I thank her much for that. it did raise money and that helped a
lot. I wish everyone with ALS or any crippling disease could be
as lucky as I am. Again I must thank everyone involved: all the
technicians, instrument companies, musicians, "GFTPM" magazine,
and everyone. It was a very sweet thing.
By that time I was walking very slowly with two canes. Around
that same time, or a little before, a friend of mine named Mike
Bemesderfer set up a computer for me and taught me how to use it
with a keyboard. Mike is a very talented musician. He plays flute
and a Yamaha windcontroller. The tones he gets on his Yamaha
sound similar to an awesome guitar tone, comparable to Allan
Holdsworth only more aggressive. His playing is nothing short of
awesome and breathtaking. Anyway, his lessons on how to use a
computer made it possible for me to still create music, because
by this time I could not play guitar without my hands shaking and
without having physical pain and strain. I had many ideas that I
couldn't do without the computer, so it truly was a lifesaver.
Around July or August I reluctantly started using a wheelchair.
Then in October of 1991 I finished writing my new album, which
will be out soon and which I'll tell more about here later. I
recorded almost all of it with my right hand because I lost use
of my left hand and arm before the right one went. That was a
very interesting time because I felt great in a way, still being
able to create music, but at the same time it was physically hard
to do. It was a strain to lift my arms so it sometimes took hours
to get a simple idea down. I would work for 10 hours a day and
then be exhausted the next day.
It also was interesting writing in a completely different way.
Almost all of the music came to me, obviously, without a guitar.
Ideas seemed to come out of nowhere. When I actually had to
figure out the notes I heard in my head I pictures them on a
guitar but they didn't come from playing guitar or thinking of
the guitar, the came from my mind of my heart or God or
somewhere, which was a really new and neat experience. Instead of
thinking of the guitar part and learning that, I heard whole
orchestral pieces in my head - already finished- that I just had
to leaern and program. When I finally finished in October my goal
was to put as many real musicians as possible on it and pay for
everything myself. I got some recording done but I started to see
that I wouldn't be able to afford to make it sound beautiful
rather than "computer-like". Also, it is very different from
anything Mike Varney has ever done before and I wanted to reach
more people. I wanted to inspire as many people as possible in
good ways so I wanted to spend lots of money on promotion. Mike
Varney is a great person who always has supported me in doing
what I felt I needed to do, musically or otherwise, and this was
no exception. I owe most of my career opportunities to him.
In January of 1992 I was talking on the phone with someone to
whom I had never talked before and my voice got really weak and
it was all I could do to pronounce syllables. I was really scared
and freaked out when I got off the phone. People with diseases
have do deal with things like this constantly getting worse. In
my case my brain is compltely normal as well as my thinking snf
my feeling, but little by little my body keeps going away. At
this point I was in a wheelchair and I couldn't feed myself
anymore because my hands weren't strong enough to hold the
silverware and my arms would shake when I raised them. Also I
couldn't bathe myself, brush my teeth, walk to the bathroom when
I needed to go, or any of those simple things that I used to take
for granted.
I am normally very good at staying positive and being happy
because I am happy and positive by nature and always have been.
Even though I have this disease I still think I'm really lucky in
many ways. But there have been times when I've wondered why this
was happening. I never took drugs or smoked cigarettes, I only
drank alcohol a handful of times, I'm a nice guy, and yet I
couldn't move or take care of myself. And now my voice was
getting weak and hard for people to understand. It made me very
nervous. I didn't want to be just inside myself having no form of
communication; that's hardly an ideal situation. It also doesn't
feel good to see the people you love give up their free time or
their lives to take care of you, even though they want to.
Fortunately for me, the money I made in Dave's band along with
support from family and friends made it possible for my father to
quit his job and take care of me full-time. My parents always
have supported me in every way. My father, Gary, is an artist. he
taught and gave me the passion for creating. He puts his life and
art second to my every need. he is my biggest inspiration and one
of the great painters of the world. My mother, Pat, inspired my
positive side. What she gives me makes it possible for me to
still enjoy life - but most importantly, she introduced me to
Jeff Beck's music. I am lucky to have my parents, brother,
girlfriend, uncle, grandparents and friends who care for me and
love me. I know of many handicapped people who are all alone and
don't even have enough money to pay strangers to take care of
them. It's really sad and it's not their fault but yet it's like
pulling teeth; they are made to feel guilty when they need to get
money from the government or insurance companies.
My physicaly feelings were forcing negative thoughts into my
head. I began to wonder if I would see my next birthday or the
next Christmas or Super Bowl. These weren't good or healthy
thoughts but, as with anyone in a difficult situation, there were
times when there seemed to be nothing to hang on to; when no
matter what I did, things kept getting worse. Then my doctor told
me about an experimental drug test that had done some healing on
a rat's nerves. He got me very psyched about it and said I could
take it in six months. For half of that time I began doing a dumb
thing: I counted each day, always looking at the calendar. After
eight months the doctor told me I was ineligible for that test,
which really made me feel like shit, as I'm sure it did many
other patients. It may not have been his fault, but it doesn't
help to have hope dangled in front of your face and then pulled
away.
Just as in any profession there are cool doctors and butthole
doctors, and I have had both. Doctors and hospitals should try
not to be so negative and depressing. Many doctors are strictly
statistic-oriented. They ask the patient, "Has this awful thing
happened to you yet? Has that horrible thing happened yet?
Because it will, you know". They don't realize that their
comments put fear in a patient's mind and actually may help make
the bad thing happen. Doctors can either bring you up or bring
you down. Many doctors have the attitude that "You're going to
die, you can't get better" when there are countless cases of
miraculous healings. When healings happen, some say, "Well, it
must have been a misdiagnosis." If they don't know what causes
ALS, how do they know what it is? I have a friend named Vahid who
is a healer and knows many people who have been healed through
meditation and faith. He believes so strongly that I can do this
that he helps me any time I want it, free of charge. he also
helps anyone elese he believes in. This automatically helps me to
believe it and stay strong. Some doctors don't realize the effect
their words have on patients. No one - unless his name is God -
can tell you that you will die. No human has the right to say
that. Warnings are necessary but they never seem to tell you
about the miracles that happen and the handful of people that do
heal and live for years.
After having ALS for about 2½ years I thought about death for
the first time and I figured out that it's not death that I'm
afraid of - everyone is going to die sometime. I'm sure something
nice or something to learn will be there. What I was afraid of
was leaving behind the people I love. I have read books about
miraculous healings and I continue to meditate, visualize and
work out. I had the idea that if you did A,B and C you got
results. It didn't seem like I was getting results - not on a
physical plane, anyway. When I remembered back to practicing
guitar it seemed that I practiced and then got better and that's
how it happened. But there's more to it. There's patience, luck
and faith. I found myself asking people, "How much should I do
this? How much should I do that? What stuff should I eat?" and
expecting a result after that. No one can really give an answer,
which I didn't realize until I remembered back to teaching
guitar. Students asked me how often they should practice to get
good. I always laughed at that at said, "However long it takes,
of course!" Some people spend an hour a day and get great and
some people spend 12 hours a day and never improve. The only
answer is "However long is takes." And I had been asking the same
questions about this. How long should I meditate? Well, however
long it takes is the answer.
After that phone call I mentioned earlier, I got nervous about
talking on the phone and I felt that no one would want to be with
me because they would have to constantly care for me. I didn't
want to give my friends chores. I did not feel that I was worth
it. I wouldn't talk to great friends. I wanted people to know me
for who I was; I didn't want them to have to work to hear me or
be with me. When I would finally see someone like Marty Friedman,
Steve Perry or Richie Kotzen, I would be so nervous and harld
talk and I wouldn't talk to them on the phone at all.
In March of 1992 I went to get some therapy called "self-healing
body work", developed by a guy called Meir Schneider. It is a
really great therapy that requires a lot of effort on the
patient's part. By doing this, many people have gained movement
they had lost. Serrana, the therapist who worked on me (and still
does), not only helped slow my condition down a little but she
became my girlfriend. Before this time I definitely did not want
a girlfriend; I did not feel I was worth anyone's pity. I did not
feel that I sdtill had anything to give - she showed me that I
did. It was nice for me to learn that some people can see past
the disability. She became and continues to be a source of fun
and a reminder that I am still a fairly normal person.
Around September of '92 my breathing and swallowing got worse.
It was very hard to suck air into my abdomen and when I swallowed
I had to be careful not to choke. Each swallow became nerve-
racking. ALS is a motor neuron disease. That means the neurons or
nerve cells that stimulate the muscles don't work, so the muscles
begin disappearing. I have lost at least 30 pounds from the neck
down, and my voice is very hard to understand.
Whatever problem you may have in life, you can choose how to
react to it. Don't listen to what the world thinks will happen to
you. What your own mind expects and wants is what you can have.
Keep the confidence, creativity, humor and faith in yourself and
in life. This helps me.
Now my record is nearly complete thanks to my friend Pat Mapps,
who is funding it, and many other wonderful friends and
musicians. In fact there are some pretty incredible musicians on
it. There are three long symphonic pieces with a full orchestra
of nearly 100 violins and cellos, brass, woodwinds, bells, harps,
and piano. One has electric guitar as the solo instrument, played
beautifully by Michael Lee Firkins. Initially, I was very bummed
out that I couldn't play on this song because it is probably the
best song I've ever written, and I wanted it played with mu feel.
He did a perfect job of blending the feel I wanted with his own
style. I'm not bummed anymore. There are two drum pieces with
foreign flavor. Matt and Gregg Bissonette play on these. Also,
Steve Perry sings/chants and plays percussion. He really added a
lot. He is extremely creative. It is a kick to hear him sound so
different. There is also a choir piece sung by the virtuosi
section of the San Francisco Girls Chorus that came out
beautiful, and at least three pieces that I recorded with guitar
on 8-track before I got this disease, which will be surrounded by
new, real musicians. Other musicians include my friend Mike
Bemesderfer, playing wind controller and flute; Steve Hunter on
guitar; a great pianist named Danny Alvarez; a tabla player; my
father and uncle on guitar; my brother Ehren (who is in a cool
Bay Area band called The Jenny Thing) on bass, and some other
orchestra musicians whom I haven't met yet. It is very
interesting and there is no question that it is the best thing
I've ever written or recorded. I have never heard an album quite
like it, with as many styles on it. It is heartfelt, unique and
aggressive, yet gentle with a huge sound like a movie score, not
"computer-like" at all. I am normally very uncomfortable talking
about my music, but I don't feel uncomfortable in this case. It
all came out of my hands and head and I feel close to it but it
came to me in such an unforced way. I am always excited as a
listener as well as the composer. I am excited for people to
experience it.
I have just started a therapy called chelation. It removes lead
and other heavy metals from the system. It's funny how fate
works, how things seem to happen when they should. My friend
Elizabeth has a computer program called Prodigy, which is hooked
up to computers all across the country and has access to lots of
information and subjects. She found a letter from a guy with ALS
who tried chelation, gained 30 pounds and got rid of his
crutches. Around that time I received a letter from a
chripracttor/fan and friend named Stewart Zwiekoft, who always
sends me information and contributions. Because of me, he ahs
turned into an expert on ALS and he suggested I try chelation. He
thinks there might be a connection between the combination of
exposure to lead and having a virus, such as chicken pox, at a
late age (which I had) and ALS. I tried it and the first
treatment made me feel really good. My muscles and joints are
normally very tight and they cramp alot but this first treatment
got rid of some of my cramps and loosened me a little bit. I
can't wait to see what the other treatments do for me.
Anyway, that is my story. I hope I didn't sound too whiny,
obnoxious or arrogant. I have been thinking about writing this
for a while now and the more ALS has taught me, the more I wanted
to share. Anyway, thanks for readin this and by all means, enjoy
life and be a good person.
Jason
=================================================================
JASON BECKER DISCOGRAPHY
Cacophony, "Speed Metal Symphony", 1987
An album where Jason plays all songs together with Marty
Friedman (who also did all bass). Most songs also feature vocals
(by Peter Marrino), with Atma Anur on drums.
Marty Friedman, "Dragon's Kiss", 1988
Marty's solo album, featuring Jason playing guest solos on two
songs.
Jason Becker, "Perpetual Burn", 1988
Jason's only solo album, featuring 7 altogether brilliant and
magical instrumentals, three of which co-feature Marty Friedman.
Jason did the production and all bass guitar and keyboards, too.
Atma Anur did the drumming.
Cacophony, "Go Off!", 1988
The second Cacophony album. Again, Jason with Marty together
with vocals by Peter Marrino, drums by Deen Castronovo and bass
by Jimmy O'Shea. Jason co-produced it.
Various artists, "Guitar Masters", 1989
This is a Shrapnel Records sampler. Jason plays on "Altitudes"
(taken off "Perpetual Burn") and "X-Ray Eyes" (taken off "Go
Off!"). Other artists on it are e.g. Marty Friedman, Racer X,
Greg Howe and Joey Tafolla. Don't bother getting this if you have
the others already.
Howe II, "High Gear", 1989
This is the second album of Greg Howe, but now with vocals and
other band members so the band was now named "Howe II". Jason
plays a guest solo on the song "Party Favors".
Kotzen, Richie, "Richie Kotzen", 1989
This album does not actually feature Jason on the guitar, but he
did co-produce it. Quite a good album, actually.
David Lee Roth, "A Little Ain't Enough", 1991
After Marty Friedman went to join Megadeth, Jason joined David
Lee Roth's band, where Steve Vai departure to Whitesnake had left
a formidable gap to be filled. Unfortunately, Jason had to
restrain himself on all tracks. Only on the last two songs, "It's
Showtime!" and "Drop in the Bucket", he really gets down (he co-
wrote these songs as well). He left the band after this
recording, and didn't even tour with them - probably due to his
disease.
Various artists, "Guitar's Practising Musicians Vol. 2", 1991
By odd coincidence I bought this CD the day before I got the
above article. Fate or what?! It featured one track by Jason, a
cover of Bob Dylan's "Meet Me in the Morning". Even though he
claims his guitar playing is below par, I still think it's one of
the best tracks on the album despite the presence of vocals.
Other tracks on this CD include contributions from Mark Wood.
Steve Morse, Nuno Bettencourt and Bruce Kulick.
=================================================================
Jason's birthday is on July 22nd. He was born in 1969. Make sure
his upcoming 24th birthday will be one he'll never forget. Send
some supportive mail and birthday cards to the following address:
Jason Becker
P.O. Box 5109
Richmond, CA 94805
United States of America
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